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Went to the psychiatrist today, and I am feeling a little better.  I can see that this is going to be very beneficial.

Some things I learned today have been things I have heard from family, friends, and allot on this board.  I guess it takes a doctor to tell a layman somehting before it seeps into their heads.

Anyway, I was a BIG part of the problem.  I was dependent and needed a beautiful and exotic woman on my arm for my own self-worth.  So in essence, I was doing the exact same thing she is doing with my million dollar replacement right now.  Feeding something inside me to make me feel better about myself... . a dependence.

You see, I realize that all the things she left, her abandoning my son, her friends at the playground (soccer moms), and alienating my child from me has to do with her shame.  She is almost leaving that neighborhood mom lifestyle for the hopes and dreams of the country club wife.  What does that say about her? What does that say about him?  What does that say about me that I would want to be with someone like this? 

I also learned that the male ego can be pretty complex.  Because if the new guy were NOT a successful millionaire, let's say he was an average Joe, then I would actually feel better about the situation.  But in essence I should be feeliing pretty bad becasue he may want to be a part of my son's life, be a part of her family, and may even be a good person at heart.

But the fact that she is with someone much more successful than me feeds my shattereed ego, when, in essence, it should make me happy.  I should be happy that she is with a man who has narcissistic traits, who doesn't want to ingratiate her by being involved in my son's life, who wants a quick f**k whenever he needs it, and move on to his next victim.  A man who's never been married and no kids at his age, doesn't seem like the man looking for a commitment.  I should actually be glad bc I see BOTH for who they are.  But more importantly, I see who I have become... . I need to change me, my ego, my self-worth.

So, I am right where I need to be.  Some friends and family are getting tired of me talking about it, they are even getting angry bc they have heard it for the past 14 years.  I understand.  It's like seeing a junkie go through so much turmoil and them not doing anything about it.  And you love that junkie.

I am right where I need to be.  Being sad, being depressed, being angry, and reaching out for help is a step in the right direction.  A step to letting go and leaving that life I had once and for all.

The fact that you were able to come to that self realization is a big step towards healing. Keep posting Arn. Hang in there my friend.

 Good job Arn!  And great that you realized that.  Don't be too hard on yourself though... .   the space they filed for us was an empty room in the mansion of our souls.  Their emptiness is the black hole at the center of their galaxy of orbiting solar system identities.  We can add to ours.  Theirs ends by entropy and ultimately nothingness... .

[quote author=arn131arn link=topic=218271.msg12380314#msg12380314 date

Anyway, I was a BIG part of the problem.  I was dependent and needed a beautiful and exotic woman on my arm for my own self-worth.  So in essence, I was doing the exact same thing she is doing with my million dollar replacement right now.  Feeding something inside me to make me feel better about myself... . a dependence.



I also learned that the male ego can be pretty complex.  Because if the new guy were NOT a successful millionaire, let's say he was an average Joe, then I would actually feel better about the situation. [/quote]
You would think them moving on to someone less successful would make you feel better but it doesn't my ex attached to a guy 5 years younger than me who lives with his parents still and cuts grass for a living. There is no way he can provide for my ex the way I did. Doesn't make me feel better one bit. Makes me feel that nothing about the stable, mature and responsible adult I was meant anything to my ex.

A member on here told me the gift about these relationships is that in their aftermath we have the opportunity to see some things about ourselves that are unhealthy and lowed us to ignore the red flags and jump in head first anyway. You are seeing that now. So say  "thanks" to her so that you have the chance to fix you and not let your dependency and self esteem issues sabotage a great and healthy relationship you can develops with someone else

You would think them moving on to someone less successful would make you feel better but it doesn't my ex attached to a guy 5 years younger than me who lives with his parents still and cuts grass for a living. There is no way he can provide for my ex the way I did. Doesn't make me feel better one bit. Makes me feel that nothing about the stable, mature and responsible adult I was meant anything to my ex.

A member on here told me the gift about these relationships is that in their aftermath we have the opportunity to see some things about ourselves that are unhealthy and lowed us to ignore the red flags and jump in head first anyway. You are seeing that now. So say  "thanks" to her so that you have the chance to fix you and not let your dependency and self esteem issues sabotage a great and healthy relationship you can develops with someone else [/quote]
Thanks, Ya'll.  I appreciate all the support.  I was spinning my wheels.  I bought us a home, remodeled it.  Even though she NEVER ONCE told me thank you for this, It was MY dependence on her, that she would enjoy the home, that it would be good enough for her, that she would want me more if I did that.  All of that was feeding my dependence on her and her dependence on me.  It was a vicious cycle.  One that is ending now.  One I can recognize, for sure, in the future.  I am on my way.  I learned that it is okay to be where I am at today.  That if I am sad, fearful, depressed, anxious, or happy to just feel those emotions and try and be a better man than I was yesterday.

I don't need to use people and love things, but I can use things and truly love people... .

A person's success in life is not defined by money alone... . You have to let that go or it is going to drive you crazy.  You have many things that this man may never be able to give someone.

Hey arn... Good to hear you're getting your head on straight. It's really a daily kind of thing. One day at a time. Ten months to the day for me. Reaching a point where I'm happier rather than not. You might reach a point where you feel like you have been cleansed. I'm starting to feel this. I know it takes a while. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and do what's in front of you. I'm happy for you.

 Same thing with the home,  Arn.   After the last improvement, it was " you were more concerned with painting the house than me."  Should have just stayed in an appeasement.  Silly me to work for a  stable home for us and our children.

They are needy children.  every last one of them.

You're already ahead of the game Arn. You sound a lot better than when you joined.

No amount of money or person is above BPD. What happened to you is going to happen to him. It's a disorder.

Keep working w/ P.

I'm glad your moving forward. Give yourself a break and don't be hard on yourself. Take care of you.

Arn your doing great & I'm glad you found someone who in addition to this board can give you the additional help you need to heal & become a healthier you.

I met with my new T today & now really feel OK about things. She reassured me that I was unhealthy for not heading the red flags and running away. However, when it came to how I acted while actually in the r/s I acted very healthy & my T said she would have told me if she were coaching me on what to say to my uBPDexbf exactly what I had said to him. That was very validating to here. She didn't come right out and say he is BPD but said he has strong tendancies from what I shared and could be and said he should not be dating for a good at least 6 months out from his Divorce. The biggest ah moment for me was when she explained why the r/s didn't work and would never work and it's bc for a r/s to work both people have to either be on the same level of healthiness and or the same level of messed up/illness. Despite my ex trying to flip it to paint me as the one who was unhealthy & having all the issues he is incorrect I was healthy & he couldn't bring me down to his level nor was he capable of coming up and meeting me at my level of healthyness. She said he might go on to have a lasting r/s with someone else and I shouldn't look at it as what did I do wrong but rather what is wrong with that woman to get involved with him bc for it to work she would need to be just as messed up or even more messed up for it to work long term. This made me feel 100% better. Yes I have things to work on the first learning to validate myself and not seek that from other people. The second task is in going forward in dating I am allowed to give a guy two passes with some things as I'm getting to know them and when a red flag comes up from the list of things I will not accept or tolerate in a r/s I have to kick em to the curb. She likened it to what you would do while speed dating. Anyway, I have the task of making my list for what I won't accept in a guy and then also what I will no longer accept out of myself going forward in dating r/s. I will also be working on get my life back to it's structured organized way by tackling one room at a time in my house and job.  I'm excited and ready for this journey :-)

LOL,

Great post.  I really appreciate what you shared.  I am going to use those tools as well. 

I learned a little about my expectations with my ex today.  She is completely dysregulated.  She denied what I asked for in terms of child custody that me and her dad were working on the past 6 weeks.  I was so angry, we are worlds apart, and I know it's her bitterness of me FINALLY letting go and showing her this time I mean business.  I have been strict NC for 6 weeks, and have not begged, cried, texted, called, accidentally showed up at one of her spinning classes, blah, blah, blah or even thought about going over there.

She only has my son to control me with now.  She is using my alcoholism (even though been sober) and the 2 false DV charges to gain fear over me, should we go to court.  It's okay bc I know that if I do the right thing, continue to fight to be a part of my son's life, I will eventually get what I want, and my son will hate her for it.

I explained this to my P today.  He told me there was no way she could have a good relationship with ANYONE with that much hate in her heart.  That the fact that I'm detaching is sinking into her head, that I will no longer be her security blanket, therefore, she is clinging on to the only thing left she has ANY control over me with... . my son.  It's sad to see her doing this to him, and it's sad that I see her this way, a mentally ill 5 year old girl with a little boy haircut, and it's sad to see that now, coming out of the FOG, I let myself be abused and treated this way for a long long time... . over 14 years.

There's a saying, "If I keep my expectations levels low, I can see my serenity level rise, If my expecations are high, my serenity level is lowered."  My serenity level and expectations are directly proportional, and today I have choices.

Today, I was a good employee, a good student, a good man, and I know a good father for fighting for my son... . Today, I'll keep those expectations to a minimum, find peace and maybe some sleep.

Arn

Millionaire, shmillionaire, is he going to be able to buy away her disorder? No.

You couldn't do it with everything you did for her, and neither will he.

It's very encouraging to read you're making progress, arn.

Facing who you were, what you can change, and moving forward.

NC is looking good on you, man, keep it up!

Your son is going to be proud of you, and thankful for how you handled this.