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I have only had contact, with my uBPDmother, one time since our latest conflict at Christmas.

I had both of our husbands present throughout the confrontation.

My mother cried and said she was sorry.  She then got angry and spiraled away into years of "hurt"

Now she is telling me (via fb) that she is angry about something I said over 1 1/2 years ago and that she can't move on until I apologize!

I am not responding.

My days are being spent processing, studying and growing. 

I have been reading daily, attempting to understand and come to terms with the fact that "this is who she is".

I question why this time is different than the last thousand arguments we have had.

I now know I will never be able to "fix" this.

 

There have been no tears, no anger, no feelings of guilt.

Am I at peace or am I just emotionally drained and dead?

Maybe, both. There may come a point that you realize it may not be a wise investment for you to jump into it. It may be about picking your battles.

So sorry you're going through this. 

Hi Legacymaker


Learning what peace is.


You've known her all you're life & what it's been like to endure it.

I think it's a tragic thing to have to go through. Good thing is, it's possible to feel better in time than ever before.

Really feel for you at this time Legacymaker  

NB Be kind to yourself

It's hard for us to tell you which it is.  Either can be possible.

I know for me, growing up one of my coping mechanisms was to shut down emotionally.  Once I cut off from my family, I had to start relearning how to process my emotions, so it took me awhile before I stopped internalizing and was able to cry.

The tears may come later, or you may not actually be that sad about your situation.  You may not be angry because you've accepted the situation.  And not feeling guilty is a good thing - that is one of the big things that can get you drawn back into the cycle - so that's healthy not to be feeling that.

There's no "right way" to heal from this situation.  It's going to be different for everybody.  :)on't feel like there's something you should be feeling.  However you need to process this situation is okay.  

If you can feel things about other situations in your life, you are not emotionally dead. You may be burnt-out on your mother, but accepting that it cannot change can be truly peaceful, if you're detached from the situation. Remember the Serenity Prayer? ... . "to accept the things I cannot change... . " Maybe this is your Serenity stage! Either way   thinking about you.