BPDFamily.com

After enduring a difficult and painful BPD relationship and its demise, I have done extensive research on the topic and I have read the stories of all you fine folks and feel that I am a professional in dealing with BPD. That being said, my roommate recently began dating a stripper ( red-flag ) and he recently told me about something that happened in their relationship that made me 

He told me that he recently went out with the girl and her parents and some other family members came out to meet them for drinks. Evidently, everything went fine but when the night was over and it was time for him to take her home, she SNAPPED. She went crazy and started raging about things that had never been discussed in their relationship at all - he treats her like everyone else treats her (like a stripper? ), they're two different people who shouldn't be together, etc. etc. Again, this came out of nowhere and immediately after he met her family and things went pretty well. A couple of days later, she called him apologizing, blaming the alcohol and asked that they hang out again. I told him she probably has BPD.

The one similarity that made me   was that my ex started to devalue me as soon as I started getting closer to her family. Her family was extremely accommodating and receptive to me and I loved them all for it, we actually all got along very well. However, it seems that that closeness turned a switch. Similar to what happened to my friend. The point of my story is just to say that I feel now like I'm the BPD police trying to always find the disorder in people when they act illogical. Unfortunately, I feel damaged.

Yeah DownandOut - I saw PD's everywhere for a while!  It balances out.

Reality, we are an emotionally immature culture.  One of the gifts of this experience is with work, we become emotionally mature - actions & words match our values - we know how to handle our emotions, what is real, what is a trigger - we become someone who is aware.

When this happens, it becomes quite obvious that a lot of people simple are emotionally immature and have no idea how their emotions actually work or how to experience them.  It is easy to lump into the PD family since we tended to live and breathe it a bit.  It is like when you think you want a blue car and you notice blue cars everywhere now!  Are there more blue cars, no, the brain is just focusing on that because it it top of mind.

Did his experience trigger anything in you?

Did you feel the "need" to save him or educate him?

Yes, I've actually done it twice in the past two weeks. Once with him, once with a person that I haven't spoken to in about 10 years. The person who I hadn't spoken to in a while wrote a long diatribe on facebook about a girl who he was engaged to that treated him like sht because he "was too nice." While he didn't provide many details, it sounded like BPD or something similar. I felt his pain and I felt compelled to help him heal, and I explained to him that learning about those types of disorders may help him make sense of what happened. He was extremely grateful and I felt good about it.

This is really something to pay attention to in you... . it is the same side of the coin of the "white knight syndrome" and we know where that led.

Balancing informing with "saving" is tricky.  These boards have helped me with this - people here are searching for info - people randomly posting on FB... . think about it, boundaries with intimate issues - this is honestly been a big "aha" in my own recovery and in not being drawn to the needy person as a source for me to feel better about me.  If you follow any of the 12 steps, working with others is an important part of not relapsing - as codependents, balancing boundaries is super important to be mindful of.

I understand wanting to educate others, I have learned to be mindful of not throwing out PD terms and focusing on feelings and mature emotional behaviors.   I also focus on my recovery more than the PD.  One of my best friends is going through a typical story on these boards and it has really been a mindful experience to be support without throwing the entire kitchen sink of information... . spoon feeding slowly until they are ready to get real info and real help is usually the approach that keeps a friendship in the long term.

Can you see a change in you now that you are paying it forward?

Cuff'em and stuff'em  :)