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My DD's CM called today to inform me that she was moving forward with her recommendation for out of home placement and preparing applications to send to various Dual Diagnoses RTC centers in preparation of the court order sure to ensue shortly. So the ball is rollin.

DD called me a little while ago to ask if I was still planning on pressing charges. I tried to divert the answer by saying I needed to think about it in an effort to defuse another potential situation. She said well if I don't give her an answer by tonight, she isn't going to comply any further with her probation requirements. Last night was the first night she did mind you. She came home while not by 7, by 7:30 which I over looked... .

Why do I go blank in thinking when she approaches me like this? I've never been a quick thinker but rather I need to ponder and come up with answers wherein my DH is quick on his feet and will say what he would say, which always sounds so brilliant!

So I turn to you fine people to ask how do I try and reinforce that I am proceeding in an effort to get her the help she needs, but still diffusing what I'm sure if going to be a major blow up again? I have my DS6 with me this week and do not want him exposed to this.

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Daughter was Arrested (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=214080.0)

Daughter was Arrested (Part 2) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=214992.0)

Ok I think I got it. Tell me what you think?

When she asks again I'm going to tell her that yes I am proceeding with the charges. That I know this may feel like betrayal to her but that she has to trust me when I tell her that I'm doing what I believe in my heart it for her own good.

I will validate her feelings, listen with empathy and try not to react to any negativity she may exhibit.

I've been following your story with your DD, and my heart goes out to you.  Your planned response sounds fine to me.  The real question is how to protect your DS6 from the explosion that is most likely coming.  Is there any way your husband could take him somewhere for a little while before your daughter comes home? He should not have to be around any of this, and if he is I can see that being a big problem for your ex-husband who will certainly hear about it. 

I would be prepared to call the police if DD goes completely balistic.  Again, whatever you do, keeping your young son away from his sister's chaos is the most important thing. 

I'll be praying for you.

I've asked my ex if he could keep him longer but he has to work this week. My stomach is flip flopping every time I think of it.


Heading out. Wish me luck!  :'(

good luck, raytamtay. i've been reading your story too and i haven't commented because i haven't had anything to add in the face of your amazing strength. i don't have children but i do have mother issues (in addition to a divorce from my BPDw) so i can sympathise with you to on that score.

in my very humble opinion,


it's not up to her to dictate to you, you must do what's best for her - but also for yourself. do you want to keep living in this situation? she clearly understands what consequences are, she just doesn't want to face them.

Thanks Max and thank all of you. She called me on my way home from work and asked what my decision was. I told her we will talk when i got home. Long story short police just left to go write up another property damage report because she threw a plate against the wall and left yet another gauge in our house. The damage was already done by the time i got home. She was walking out as i was walking in. I asked her to please just talk with me. She said f u and took off.with her friend who had just pulled up.  Im waiting here for cops to co,e back with this new report to sign it. Pray for my dd that she doesnt do anything stupid to harm herself tonight. Sorry for typos. Typing from my phone. Anyway police asked if i wanted them to go get her and bring her home. Uh no! Let her cool off. Ive avoided bodily injury lets keep it at that.

Ps i talked ex in to keeping ds tonight and until everything blows over. I miss my buddy but have to keep hom safe. Of course ex is making me feel guilty for this. Just two days ago he agreed this needed to be done and once again is back peddling. I believe ex also has traits.of BPD. He does.have ocd. He has always fought me on getting dd help. My first order of business when i left him was getting dd help. Its been my mission. He still gets in my head. Over twenty years we were together and old habits are hard to break. Kudos to tbose of u who got out sooner.

She came home last night around 10:00 stoned because she said she's going away anyway so she mind as well enjoy it now. I was actually surprised she came home. But I'm guessing it's because her friend has school today so I anticipate her staying out this weekend.

Spoke to her case manager this morning who informed me that the courts are not mandated to make a recommendation for RTC! I was like what? I've been getting conflicting information since the inception of this process and it's getting real old. She said that she is having DD evaluated and that the evaluator will recommend it. I asked her if she guarantees me she will? I said I can't keep pressing these charges thinking it's going to help get DD in to a RTC only to have her end up in a detention center!

When we first started this second round of services with this agency, I was told that they could recommend out of home and that given the behaviours my DD exhibited, it was pretty much a guarantee she would be placed out of home. Then I was told that that only happens when all other interventions were unsuccesful. Then I was told that now that she is 14, she can refuse to go to an out of home place! Then I was told the only way we could get her in is if she got into the judicial system! Then she gets busted and we are told by the judge now that if she saw her again with any further charges, she was having it court ordered that she be placed in a RTC. Now I'm being told that even that might not happen through the judicial system and we are back to the agency who is to make the recommendation. WTH? I'm really getting aggitated now. I'm pretty much one of the calmest people. But if I find out I'm doing this all for nothing, I think I'm going to finally blow a gasket.

Just got off the phone with her PO. She said that it's true that CMO will have to make the recommendation but feels based off of these incidences, the evalutaor will make the recommendation so not to worry. Then said that she is going to recoomend DD go to a shleter day of court until an RTC is selected. But she can't guarantee that will happen. But she will recommend it.  I'm spent.

Hi Ray,

I hear how spent you are. I'm so very sad for you. This is a very, very tough situation. I don't want to burden you more, but if you could... . research RTC's for a private placement, not court ordered. I know it will take effort to also find the funding, but it can be done and it might be better for you to work this without the judicial system. Just a thought.

Our CMO is doing the leg work; sending in applications, etc. in prepation. So once she has a listing of those wiling to accept her, that's when I plan on stepping in and choosing the best one.

DD just called me and is saying things like "do you realize if you send me away for a year I won't be able to go to high school like normal people"? She is due to start HS next year. But she is currently on homebound instruction on an IEP for emotional disturbance after being suspended last year 10 times for intimidation, harrasment, premeditated assault on a student, insubordination to staff and inappropriate language.

How can they see themselves as the victims where it's their actions that cause this? When I mentioned to her that she needed to find a better way to express her feelings rather than destroying things her response was "oh that was nothing. It could have been much worse". Wow... .

I'm suggesting it in case the system falls through and doesn't provide a placement. Then, you have a back up.

Wouldn't she have to be willing to go in that case though? That's what I've been told which is why we went this route to begin with. If DD had it her way, she'd rather go to a detention center than an RTC she's said.

my situation is hardly yours raytam, but, i've faced this too and that's the disorder. honestly, if you're rational you can't fathom it. at least i can't.

No, she wouldn't have to be willing. I have not heard of a kid that is willing or wanting to go to an RTC, not to say that it doesn't happen. A good RTC will have a plan to help your DD adjust and get her buy in to do the work she needs to do. And, your daughter is in no condition to say what she needs or what she'd rather do. Clearly, she cannot take care of herself or keep herself safe and she is hurting the family. She needs you to make these decisions for her since she can't.

Thanks Being Mindful! Will do!

raytamtay3

This stage of the process is so hard - all the waiting and uncertainty. Even if detention center is the sentence initially - it is still a 'natural consequence' to her drug use. It also will place her in a safe place out of your home and away from your ds. It is a very difficult thing when our BPDchild puts us on the blaming end of their emotional distress.

What support do you have just for you? As I have gathered support in many directions around myself, I have come to accept that my DD27 needs someone else - other than me at times - to make these decisions. And to accept that DD is not going to cooperate. And that DD will do everything within her power to transfer her distress to me. I have to find the strength to not take it on - feel guilty about doing the best thing possible for my child.

Hang in there - you are on the right track. Keep on top of everyone involved in her life with the rtc goal uppermost in everyone's mind.

qcr

ps. my dd27 entered detox by order of her PO. This is the first time. So wish we had accepted the depth of her issues when she was in high school and gone for more intensive treatments options. She was always able to talk her way out of hospitalization - got it together during the wait for mental health assessment in ER. Most often the professionals ended up accepting her blame on us as 'abusive parents'! Don't wait - it only gets harder. In our state, once DD turned 16 she could exclude us from contact with mental health staff.

raytamtay3 -- Hang in there.  You are doing the right thing and trying to help your daughter.  The mental health system is a broken system! My dd is 16 and has significant issues.  RIght now we are fighting the battle of her wanting to live with boyfriend's family as we are such horrible parents and we have ruined her life.  Anyhow, we have been through the ER and RTF placement issues.  It is very difficult to handle emotionally in all respects.  We too were in the same boat as you that our daughter was emotionally and verbally attacking us every chance she had right prior to her placement.  As hard as it was leaving her there, I can remember walking out of the building holding my husband's hand and crying.  Not crying out of sadness, but crying as a sense of relief.  A sense of relief that I knew dd was in a safe place with people who could monitor and keep her safe 24/7 and also relief that my husband and I could take a little bit of time for ourselves.  To some people that sounds selfish, but we all get lost in dealing with our children.  As hard as it is to do, we need to take care of ourselves so that we can be the advocates that our children need us to be.  Praying that you are able to get the help that your dd and your family so need.

Tonight will be the second time we meet with the PO and of course my nerves are shot again.  I have to bring in my log of her violations. I hate that I feel like a snitch on this crap. She is suppose to meet with us seperately as she is aware that certain things I say are triggers to DD. I'm about to call her to make sure she doesn't mention anything about the additional charges or what I'm disclosing to her about her curfew violations. I have to drive home with DD. She has grabbed the wheel of my car once before over something stupid, so I know for a fact she'd do something over this! Her aggressive outbursts are getting worse and worse.

If DH didn't drive us for her first meeting, I know for a fact things would have gotten ugly on the way home. But she just cursed me out.

raytamtay3

I hope your meeting goes well... . I will be thinking of you.

Thanks jellibeans. But it didn't even happen. DD blew it off! She called me asking me to reschedule it. I told she can't and to read the letter on the island in the kitchen that states when she is scheduled to go. She said "F u I'm not going". So yet another mark againt her.

I have to admit that even I am shocked at this behaviour lately. I know it's probably because in I sr mind, she's going away so what's the sense. But if it were me, I would do everything in my power to abide by it. Even after the last incident of taking more Xanax. I would do what I was suppose to do and plead with the judge to give me one more chance.

She also almost refused to have her tutoring today. Why? Because she didn't do her homework. Homework she had a week to do. Called begging me to reschedule that too. I said no. She canceled before saying she was sick. Made the poor woman stand out in the cold for 10 minutes before finally letting her in! I'm mortified!

The ODD makes things so much worse... . I have a key phrase I say to my dd16... . it is a wake up call and is one we have repeated several times... . when things are really bad and she is deregulated we tell her "she is digging a hole" the more she digs the deeper it gets... . I find now when I say that it helps bring her down a bit and she stops.

Sometimes things just have to get really bad before they start making their way out of the hole... . I hope your dd puts down her shovel soon.

That's what I always tell her. She's only digging herself deeper. And I got to admit, she's making it very easy for me when she behaves like this.   (in that I don't feel as guilty sending her away)

You'll feel even less guilt if she gets into an RTC with proper treatment and comes out regulated and stabilized with skills needed to live life.

Keep in mind that the dysregulation our BPD children suffer is their own personal hell far worse then even the stress and disorder it brings to our lives.

She might hate you initially but I assure you she will thank you down the road and no matter how dysregulated she is behind all this is your beautiful child who would love to feel "normal" as much as everyone around her wishes she could. 

Keep your chin up its a long hard battle and you're doing an amazing job!

Raytay

I agree.  The only other option is to do nothing.  That will not stop your dd's downward spiral. 

I hope she cooperates and sees the opportunity she has been given as a positive. 

We never know how they will react... . but you are doing the right thing.  The rest is up to her.

True! Thanks!

Parenting question here. As you may remember, DD is court ordered to abide by a 7:00 curfew Mon - Fri and 9:00 on the weekends. She has relentlessly tried to get me to look the other way on this. I said no. So she pushes it anyway and either comes home late, if at all, or she will call me from her friend's phone around 10:00/10:30 asking me to pick her up. I've been ignoring her calls/texts figuring if she could get to the friend's house, she can get herself home. This is usually when she ends up sleeping over the friend's house though.

How would you handle? Would you still go pick your child up? I'm not budging on the curfew thing. She thought she had it bad when I started with her having an 8:00 curfew and her still pushing it and my ending up telling her to make sure she is home by the 10:00 township curfew. Of course this was before the arrest and also she pushed past that time too.

Is there some way to report her infractions? What is the point to having a crewfew if there are no consequences for ignoring the time? Seems to be a waste of time and energy... .

Yes, she is willfully violating her probation with no consequences.  She is in control.

My opinion is the boundary is the boundary and if she is not home within 15 minutes of curfew then she may not be safe.  I've had a black and white line throughout and with her probation it gives you that line to easily use.  If not safe I call law enforcement and report her missing.

I personally would call each and every time she's more then 15 minutes late.  Nothing she can be doing is likely to be healthy when she's late in the state she's in.

Oh it's being reported dear. Her PO, therapist, lawyer and posecutors are all aware. So she WILL have a consequence.

Thanks.

Nobody seemed to have answered my question though. Would you go pick up your child if they called you past the curfew time to do so or let them fend for themsleves, and get themselves home, considering they got themselves to the location they are at?

My honest opinion: She's 14 years old.  You need to know where she is, who she's with and be responsible for taking her/picking her up or knowing how she is getting there/back home.  It isn't even about her calling you.  You need to set the rules.  I will be picking you up at 10pm.  At that age curfew is just a way of her knowing that you expect all activities to cease and that she will be in the house by that time but you still have a lot of responsibility. 

Even if she misses curfew or runs off, you need to still be responsible for getting her back home.  I would then hold her accountable for her actions by not allowing any privileges until she completes an action of my choosing (washing the car, extra chores... . whatever it is that needs doing at the moment).  Don't make it a war.  Don't tell her these things in anger or frustration.  Always show compassion and love when setting expectations.

Honey you know we love you.  You know we expect to know where you are.  We need you to agree that this is the rule and wash the car to show you understand you broke the rule.   Can you do that?  No?  Ok then we will have to turn off your phone until it's done.  Love you honey.  Bye bye.  *walk away*  She'll be angry... call you names... . scream ... . whatever.  Just ignore it (easier said than done I know... been there).  You might have to go through this scenario 100 times without yelling in order for her to understand the new household rules.  Don't engage... . ever!  Let her know that from now on this family doesn't yell at each other and then walk away.  Turn off the phone and let the ball be in her court. 

I used to turn my daughters phone off as a punishment.  Now I use it to get her to complete other punishments (cleaning etc).  That way we can all get what we want as quickly as possible and let things stabilize.  I found it to be much more effective than saying OK that's it!  You've lost your phone for 3 days!  I used to want her to know how angry I was that she did whatever it was she did.  Now I want her to know that I love her even though whatever she did was unacceptable.  Punishments are reminders not to do whatever she did.  It's not a big deal.  Just don't do it again. 

One of the things we did was every time she was out of control and physically aggressive or destructive, call the police and have them take dd to the hospital for a psych eval.  4 hours of sitting by herself in a room with nothing to do was enough to cool her down.  It was embarrassing as anything to have the police and ambulance at the house every single day! 

You'll see as time goes by that it's easier to put that validation/expectations/boundaries into play.

I know she's giving you a hard time and that's where her accountability comes into play.  If she isn't going to cooperate then there's not much you can do about it.  However, (hoping she goes to rtf to reset your relationship) I would definitely set and keep those limits when she comes home for visits. 

Sorry it's long and rambling. 

-crazed

Anyone on here that has a child with ODD on top of BPD want to chime in? Rules and consequences do not work for my DD. Period. She doesn't care. Actually I think it's pretty safe to say she's graduated to Conduct Disorder.

www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-conduct-disorder

I read that article, raytamtay3 (thanks for bringing it to our attention), and it does sound like your daughter... .


I do think that crazedncrazymom's advice seems sound, though. What would happen if you put any of this into practice? If you dropped her off and picked her up at her friends' houses, would that not work? In answer to your question as to whether you should go and get her at someone's house after she is not home by curfew, I also would get her anyway; she's 14 and needs her Mom to make sure she is home safe. But, if you followed crazed's advice, you would be picking her up anyway at 10:00 PM, so that missing curfew wouldn't be an issue. Or, is she so defiant that she wouldn't be there when you got there?

For those of us whose children didn't/don't have ODD or Conduct Disorder, can you tell us what would happen if you did what was suggested? Thanks 

She either wouldn't be there, or would not come willingly with me. I went to pick her up one morning before work from her friend's house that she stayed over night at without my permission. At first she refused to come home with me saying she'd be home later. I told her she had 5 minutes to gather her things or I would be calling the police right than and there to have them bring her home if she wasn't willing to come with me. It resulted in her coming home and cursing me out the whole way and saying it didn't make sense because she was just going to go back out anyway. She did, but later in the day.

Grounding does not work. She goes out before I get home from work. Consequences have been cell taking away, all snack food removed from the house, basic cable, etc. She could care less. She'd take it to a next level, i.e., I'd come home with her being gone and the house a mess (clothes all over the laundry room, all lights left on, cabinents open, toothpaste purposely squeezed out all over the bathroom sink, etc.).  She seeks revenge instead of trying to make things right.

She loves to argue.

That's just a little example.

Dear raytamtay

My dd16 has a pretty bad case of ODD... . it is the thing that is the hardest to deal with at times and has often caused her to meltdown pretty quickly when she doesn't get her way. Just like a two year old having a tantrum.

My dd now drives so I have the consequence of losing that priviledge. She also cares deeply for her phone so I can also take that away but I think it is important to make the consequences relate to the infraction.

She stayed out pass curfew... . then at my house she would be grounded and not have the freedom to go out where she pleases if she doesn't come home on time. If she stayed out all night I report her as a run away.

What I hvae really tried to do is to reduce the conflict by simply letting the natural consequences come into play when ever possible. Some of the main problems we had with my dd were... .

Eating with us or just her lack of eating... . meals were torture around here... unpleasant and upsetting... . I do not insist she comes to eat with us. I tell her what we are eating and when. It is up to her to come and eat. I don't have control of that and it is a waste of my energy to try.

Going to school and doing her work... . I was always running behind her reminding her of tests and work she needed to do... . the more I nagged the less she did... . now she knows if her grades are not all passing at report time she will lose the right to drive her car. She loves her car so she makes sure she is passing... . barely but she is passing... . it is her life and if she doesn't want to apply herself then she won't get into a good college etc... .

Going to sleepovers... . my dd uses these times to get into trouble by sneaking out etc... . she is grounded if anything like this happens... . not returning home on time etc...

Now your dd probably doesn't stay home while grounded... . I tell my daughter if she leave our home without premission then I will assume she is running away and I call the police. My daughter snuck out in the middle of the night to go sleep over a friends house. In the morning when I went to wake her she was not there. I was worried sick about her but I still called the police... . eventually they told her that she would go to juvie if she ran away one more time and she hasn't run again.

Until I regulary started calling the police my dd didn't even try to control herself. She was verbally and phsyically abusive to me and my husband. We had locks on our older daughter's room and our room so we could lock her out. We were living in a jail of sorts... . locking up every knife in the house... . and on and on

I think after my dd went to RTC  she really started to come around... . We were very clear with her that when she came home if she could live by the rules here then things would be good but if she returned to her old ways we would find another RTC and this time she would be gone for a long time. I know that does sound terrible but if we were unable to help her then we needed to take her to a place where they could. At that time we were very worried for her and even though she saw it as punishment we knew she was getting help.

I talked with her therapist about RTC... . she thinks that because of my dd's ODD that she would not do well at RTC. I think it would certainly take longer. In Valerie Porr's book she doesn't think that RTC is the place for these teens. I really don't know but when they are out of control and are SI then I don't know what other choice we have.

My daughter is doing better now... . she still struggles but she is less violent and abusive and able to listen and comply with requests to do things. Recently showed me great improvements when in the past her reaction would have been explosive. She has even interveiwed for a job... . I see a lot of improvements and I have hope... . don't loose that... . we all need hope for their future.

Wow!  I remember those days.  One time DD got mad at me and dh and poured body wash all over our bed.  It ruined a comforter, sheets and pillow cases. 

You may need her to go to rtf in order to start setting these boundaries.  Like I said, If she isn't going to cooperate with you then there's not a lot you can do about it.

DD has been diagnosed with intermittent explosive disorder, ODD, mood disorder, major depressive disorder and BPD.

I feel for you.  I remember the frustration and helplessness of being in your situation.  It can get better!  How are you taking care of yourself these days?  Have you heard anything back from her PO yet?  I've been keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. 

DD and her friend apparently stole $100 from another friend's brother and took a bus someplace at 2:00 Wednesday afternoon. They have been reported missing as we do not know their wherabouts... .

Talked to DD's PO this morning who is writing a report for probation violation, attaching my log I've kept since the court day and presenting it to the judge today along with a recommendation for a bench warrant.  

My goodness, raytamtay3! 

Please hang in there... . Hopefully they will find her soon, and then take care of getting her somewhere safe where she can wait out her time to be (hopefully, again) admitted to an RTC/DDx Program.

She needs help, and maybe now she will get it.

I'm sorry for all the stress and aggravation you are having to deal with 

 thinking of you and praying there is nothing worse when they're missing and you don't know if she's safe or not.  Hope they find her and the bench warrant keeps her detained so that she's not free to roam until an RTC placement is made.

Judge just signed off on the warrant. My DD officially has a warrant out for her arrest.What ever mother loves to hear! BUT, at least I'll know she's safe. That is IF they find her... .

Raytam

My thoughts and prayers are with you and dd.  She just continues to make things worse and the consequences are on her ... .  not you.  Her actions only confirm how much she needs help.

Please know we support you in your struggle.  You are doing what is best for everyone, and

I hope you can find comfort and peace once dd is located and detained.

You are a very strong person and dd is lucky to have you for a mother.   God bless.

Are you worried?  This does seem par for the course.  How are you holding up?

Thank you everyone for your help, support and understanding. I really really appreciate it! You all have given me strength and hope. 

I'm not that worried because she's done this before. But I do have the "what ifs" running around in my head. But I have to trust that things happen for reasons.

I had to hang up on my ex, her father this morning. And I have to keep him out of the loop in an effort to prevent him from sabatoging this process... .

I thought the right thing to do was inform him that she was missing. Which I did. Now remember, he relinquished rights to her by giving my full custody two years ago because he couldn't handle her anymore. Prior to that we shared 50/50 custody (one week on one week off). He tends to forget the hell she put him threw because he hasn't even had her over every other weekend like was agreed to. And as mentioned before, when I was married to him and knew something wasn't right with DD and wanted to get her help, he faught me tooth and nail saying she was fine; we just weren't consistent.

So he text'd me this morning saying the top story on the news was that a 14 year old "unidentified" girl with red hair (DD just died her blonde hair red) was found beaten, raped and dead in PA! I grabbed my phone to see if such a story was on the news and guess what... . nope! Then he called me at work to say that he knows for a fact one of my DD's friends knows her wherabouts. I asked him how he knows that. He said trust him, he knows. I said well you need to tell me how! I can't just go to the mother of the girl who I've been talking with whose DD is home and says she doesn't know where she is, unless I know for a fact. He said the girl posted on twitter that she was hanging with my DD. Then he changed it later saying it was before they apparently left on the bus! By that time I asked the mother to ask her DD again! Then ex says how it's impossible that DD purchased a bus ticket at the bus stop like I said. I never said that! I told him it was reported that they got on a bus! He said oh it doesn't matter. I said yes it does! In situations like this you have to have facts straight. He got cocky with me so I hung up on him.  Grr. Sorry, just venting. But he will do everything in his power to prevent this from happening (her goipng away). But now that I have full legal and physically custody, he has no say.

Raytam

Rely on information from the police.  If your ex has a solid  lead on dd's whereabouts, they should know.  Otherwise, he should not assume anything.

You do not need this on top of everything else! 

raytam,

UGH!  I just want to smack your ex for you.  You are stressed out enough without dealing with nonsense.  I hope the police are actively looking for her and find her.  You must be so stressed not knowing where she is and whether or not she is safe. 

  I'll be keeping you in my prayers!

-crazed

that was my thought also.

wow raytam you've lived a whole lifetime with this situation. all strength to you. you've got support here.

Hi raytamtay,

How are you today?  Any word from your daughter?

Hi. Still no word. Polkce did say they spome to nj transit and were informed the night they tool the bus from our area was to go to camden! Two beahtiful girls in camden nj!

I'm so sorry.  You must be so worried.  Are you doing anything to keep yourself distracted?

Have you called the Camden police?

She has been found. And she is now j. Detention pending a hearing tomorrow mornng. Lawyer said they will most likely keep her until next week pending another hearing. She claims she got kidnapped and raped and git away by jumping out of a car. Scrapes on her underarm. Sorry, not buying it.

Raytam

What a relief.

I am so glad your dd has been found and she is ok.  Now she needs to deal with what she has done.

Phew - I'm thrilled they found her.  I'm sure you're relieved and I'm guessing very concerned and worried still that she's in juvenile detention.  I can't believe it was only 3 months ago I was in the same situation as you.

Stay strong - the next week I remember being very tough - seeing the bright orange jumpsuit and the shackles on both ankles and wrists with our DD crying and pleading for us to let her come home and then she'd go to an RTC and us flat having to refuse and not buckle to the emotion.

Very tough time it is.  Remember you're doing the right thing right now and your DD was the one who made the choices and now must face consequences or getting the appropriate and very necessary help.

Just over 90 days since I was there and I'm now sitting in the airport for red-eye home from California.  Today we visited a sober living facility for her to transfer to in Orange County.  I took her for a drive up to LA where she wanted to see Skid Row so, in her words, "she could be humbled and reminded of how lucky she is." It's not perfect she still has a long ways to go but I want to remind you she was in Detention 92 days ago (and had a heroin addiction and detoxing which at least your DD hasn't reached).  There is MUCH hope for you and your DD.  Make sure you continue to take care of yourself and use every resource you can find to help with your own coping.  Make sure you voice your concerns for the need for an RTC - juvenile system is meant for rehabilitation not to be punitive so be sure you remind all involved of that at all turns in the process to get her help.

Good Luck and Praying for you and your DD (and yeah I wanna smack your ex too)

I'm so happy she's been found and is safe!  I'm sure the police will do a thorough investigation and let you know if they think she was really raped.  Please make sure there is closure on that issue otherwise it will haunt you for years.  My dd claims she was raped.  She wrote out the story of the attack a year after it supposedly happened.  DH and I didn't believe her but we keep hearing about it from professionals.  They claim she has PTSD because she mentions it during evaluations.  Now we're stuck in a situation where we don't even know what the truth is. 

Well now that she's been found and safe and most likely will be kept in detention until residential (Best case scenario... . I'm sitting here smiling for you!), how on earth will you and dh fill all your time? 

Thanks everyone. Getting ready to call for the hearing.  A little nervous. Ill let u knkw how it goes 

They are detaining her pending the next hearing which is scheduled for Tuesday at 11. The judge started by saying the purpose of today's hearing was for him to decide if she should b detained until next hearing or allowed to go home.  Then he asked me if i had anything to add. I said your honor, i feel my daughter should be detained, that she is a danger to herself and others at this point. She took off.for 4 days and just resurfaced yesterday so she is also a flight risk. He thanked me for my candor and ruled she remain detained pending Tuesdays hearing.

hey raytay    How are you feeling now?  It must be so hard to be in this situation.  I know you know it's the right thing to do.  How are you taking care of yourself now?

I feel inpartial. I feel relieved. I am in strictly business mode right now. And am surprised at myself for not being more sympathetic. But after everything she has done, she has lost it.  DD still contends she was raped, so there is an investigation under way. It does bother me a bit that i dont believe her. I feel she would say anything at tbis point to prevent incarceration. But at the same time, i have that what if in my mind. And then again at the same time, feel jf it did happen, its because she put herself in the position to have that happen by taking off to someones house who she didnt know, allegedly going for a drive with someone she didnt know, etc. I know thats probably taboo thinking, but at the present time, its how i feel.

There is no taboo thinking.  There is only taboo saying.  Don't say anything to her that might lead to regrets later.  You have every right to doubt her story or even think that she played  part in it.  Nobody asks to be raped, but we also don't go walking in Camden in the middle of the night.  We do what we can to protect our children. You have every right to feel angry when something happens when she has refused your protection.  It's a lot for you to take in.  I'm sure you will experience the whole gamut of emotions as this all plays out.  Please try to be ok and accept all of your thoughts and feelings about this situation.  They are all valid. The police and social workers will help sort all this out. 

Where did they find her? 

The story is her and her friend called the convict boyfriends sister to come pick them up and bring them to boyfriend's house because they didnt know where else to go. I did say to DD that sbe put herself in that position. I realize now that it was not the right thing to say but i was so angry that she did just that - put herself in thst position. Oh and apparently now it wasnt camden they went to. It was gloucester.

Raytam,

It was stressful just reading this thread - you must have been put through the wringer... .  

It's SO good to hear your dd is safe now. Time for you to exhale, and finally be able to relax a bit.

I don't blame you for doubting your dd's story. Two reasons: 1. You love her, it would be so much better if it didn't happen. 2. There is no way to know for sure, because you have experience she has lied many times before. Right now, it's too traumatic. Perhaps sometime in the future, it will become a good teaching point of why and how you are keeping her safe (regardless of whether it really happened or not)... .

I have read that toddlers will misbehave in order to find where the boundary is, and that parents provide the boundaries to keep the kids safe. The toddler learns to operate within those boundaries and feels safe.

I think that with children and adults wBPD and even with ODD, it is a similar thing, just in extreme and disordered ways. It is easy to control the environment of a toddler, and it is even easy to physically restrain them, if necessary. It is not so easy or even possible with adolescents or adults. If/when they have not been able to learn to cooperate and learn to respect boundaries, they are on a self-destructive route of constant pushing further and further, busting through boundaries, and being/feeling out of control. They have not learned that boundaries provide safety. They see boundaries as their enemy.

Some need the extreme outside control of RTC in order to learn to cooperate and respect boundaries instead of busting them... .

You are doing the right thing Raytam, I have hopes for your dd that she will get better with the help of a good RTC.

And so it begins. The guilt is setting in. I know I'm doing the right thing. It just sucks I even have to.

Raytam

Your dd has put herself in this position, and yes, she is mentally ill.  You have no control over either of those factors.  You should not feel guilty about her decisions.

As a parent, you love your dd and want to give her the opportunity to change. Do not feel guilty about that.

Thanks. I just hate that the judge asked for my input whether to keep her or release her him home. And for her to hear me say to keep her in custody because she is a threat to herself and others. Suppose it is true that she was assaulted? Am i going to make things worse?

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