BPDFamily.com

to see if she will change her mind. That's why I am posting on the staying board

I met my uBPDw in April 2011. We fell in love quickly. I know that all the stuff about “no it isn’t love because she told you all this stuff you wanted to hear” blab bla bla. I have been through everything with her and have loved her unconditionally. Her depression, her son with a stroke disability and then her son having a psychotic break with schizophrenia. I love this woman after almost 3 years together. We met and we had common wants in life that had to do with living a simple Christian life together. Things have been rough to say the least. I have been a supportive husband, loving, kind. She has been a wife who I know loves me but she thinks that I deserve better because right now in her state she hates sex. She says it isn’t me it’s her and she admits to what flipped the switch. Its all culminating to where she is leaving me. Because of the BPD traits there is basically no relationship between her and my 4 kids who are moved out. My mom cant stand her and my mom has disowned me as long as I am with her as well as my sister. But the history of my mom is another story in itself. I’m in love with my wife, even though she will not have sex with me. Her son that has the SZ is all the world to her, she admits he comes first. What has happened is that We had moved him 400 miles away to have his own place but now she cannot leave him because she needs to care for him. She says she doesn’t want me to quit my job where I am and move there because that would depress her even more. So she is leaving me in order for me to be happy, but I am not happy. She keeps telling me how sorry she is. She says her situation with her son is taking her life away like a strong current. She is trying to find a place for him to fit in. I want to live my life with her and be there for her and live this out with her. That’s what I promised to do when I married her. My love for her is no less than the day I married her. Why do they do this? Is their self worth that low?

Or do they love that strongly that they are willing to leave someone so they don’t have to drag the other down with them? Could she be in a dysregulated state? She says she is keeping with the decision she has made but she keeps saying she is sorry and how sad this is making her. She refuses to cry. I am being kind to her and being her friend. Is there something wrong with me? 

She probably is overwhelmed and panicking.

Why did she move her son 400 miles away?

Gosh, I am sorry to hear of the break-up of your marriage. I know it must hurt a lot. You seem so committed and devoted but you have not received the same treatment in return.

She sounds like she is overwhelmed by problems—both her son's and her own (I can't tell if she has one son or two). She may not have any resources left for loving her partner. She may have focused on your relationship for a while as a distraction but now she is completely preoccupied with her own and her sons' predicament.

Like elemental, I would question why she moved her son 400 miles away, then decided to move to be with him, and doesn't want you to follow. This seems to be her way of extricating herself from the marriage. She may have loved you when she was "in the moment" and telling herself she deserved to be happy. However, she cannot leave her baggage behind. The love she felt before might have evaporated without a trace. This happens to people without BPD for any number of reasons. Now that this has happened to you, you might want to find out why you were unaware that someone who was taking a vacation from their real life and/or real self was able to convince you to commit to her. Are you imposing a frame of "how things should be," and assuming the other person feels the same way?

Hi byfaith,

how are you doing? 


who knows she may come back? You can't really control her. Understanding the detachment process may relevant in many ways (more on that later). Take a look at the leaving board LESSONS (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0). Even if she has not left for good the material will help you now navigating the situation. Another workshop recommended may be the one on co-dependency and enmeshment (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0) - again for multiple reasons.


These circumstances which are certainly very tough for any person to deal with and may stretch her emotional coping capacity. What made you believe he wants and he can cope alone?


Living with a not recovered pwBPD is about as opposite to simple as it gets. She certainly wants it like you do but is she capable to live it? How important is this vision of a life compared with your relationship with her?


Is it true that she is needed or does she need the feeling to be needed? Is it true in the short term and is it true in the long term? Letting go of children is a difficult process and pwBPD struggle with detachment.


Not sure love or sex got much to do with it. This may be either a real or perceived need of the son or her struggling to letting go of her son.


Not really, probably not more than with all of us  *). It is not your lack of love or trying or anything else on your side that is causing problems here  .

In a situation like the one you are in it is tempting to run after her and beg her to come back. You do that too often and you start feeling even more hopeless and loose your self respect and her respect. A temporary break can be also a good thing as it dampens the daily drama and helps to decrease enmeshment (for which the sex issues may be an indication - she may well not have a problem with you but with herself and due to the lack of boundaries the two become too similar). Validation and boundaries continue to be as important as before - as is self care. Maybe a good idea to use the time to maintain and rebuild other relationships. Also maybe a good time to think about where you want your life to be heading. It certainly was not going where you said wanted it to go (calm etc... ) but then I also doubt she was the calmest person you could possibly meet (maybe you like actually some of her spontaneity and intensity). Whether you get together or not some course corrections are needed in any case... .

Hang in there  ,

an0ught

She just has one son. Because of his illness he sat around in a dark room depressed and she could not take it any longer. She asked him what would make him happy and he said I want to move back to (state he is from). So an opportunity presented itself. I had to suck it up because she was going to move him regardless. The other part is that the person helping was someone she was engaged to 20 years ago. So she is there with her son ( she needs to be with him for herself) and she is there "with this other guy". My wife has tried for almost 10 years to find friends for her son and nothing works out. THis is another attempt to do so. I don't know what the outcome will be. I am a human being. I am jealous of this other person, even though I want to believe the best of it all.

Thank you all for your advice.