BPDFamily.com

I'm new to this board and really to understanding BPD. As in new I mean I only learned of BPD within the past week. I believe without a doubt that my girlfriend has BPD the symptoms shout at me just as she does. I feel some relief in learning of this disorder as now I can say "Oh, it's not really me this is the reason", if that makes any sense. At the same time while I feel some sense of relief that is also replaced with other feelings of uncertainty about what to do exactly. I think my first step is to learn everything I can about this disorder. I feel I need to have an understanding of the thought pattern and the way in which she processes everything. Secondly, I feel like I need to learn the skills in which to communicate with her in a way that she can understand. Lastly, I hope to be able to approach her about the subject and hope that she will seek help.

That being said there are so many symptoms that she displays:

• Rage



• Silent Treatment



• Physical Violence (Although that has subsided since I called the cops one-time)



• Lying



• Blame Shifting



• Drug Abuse



• Cheating



• Push/Pull

I could probably go on for several more but those came to mind instantly. There are a few things that I'm having a hard time understanding that maybe someone here will have more experience with.

1. Pet - She has a rabbit that she almost seems obsessed with. She let's it do whatever it wants. It's probably the best kept rabbit in the world. She would much rather spend time with the rabbit than anyone else. It's just completely strange to me. If she can't spend time with the rabbit she will say things to me like "I feel so bad for him", "He wants to play so bad and I feel awful", He's sad", "He needs a friend" The last is an effort to get yet another rabbit, which I have put my foot down to and she hasn't really blown up over oddly. I'm not sure if she really wants another rabbit and it confuses me because typically saying no is met with a backlash or just doing it anyway.

2. Brother - She has a younger brother. She's mentioned to me that she feels bad for how she treated him when they were younger. That she was very mean to him. I'm not sure if this is physically or verbally I've never asked for clarification. There is 8 years difference between the two of them so in many ways she wouldn't be able to relate to him as a playmate. She's mentioned that when he was born his parents were financially unprepared and I think there was some resentment in that. I'm not sure if she felt she had to sacrifice certain things due to his arrival or not.

However, from everything I've experienced she's not mean to him at all. She basically let's him do whatever he wants. If he asks for something she will go above and beyond to ensure that he gets it. If I do something for him she seems genuinely appreciative of what I've done. She never talks ill of him which is a rare thing and from what I can tell she doesn't say anything mean to him directly. He's no saint though he's not a horrible kid, but he's done his share of things. The response I always get in regards to him is once again "I feel bad for him. You don't understand what it's like living in that house." Why is this the only relationship other than the rabbit that is met with good behavior and an eagerness to please?

3. Her Parents - I've been reading the BPD is believed to derive from the parental dynamics and disassociation with the parents and in a lot of cases physical or sexual abuse. Now that I've come to understand BPD a little more I'm trying to wrap my head around the parents a bit more. I know that they haven't had an ideal marriage. I believe there was some infidelity there by the father at one time. I know that they argue periodically. I know that the mother is notorious for lying to the father. I know that there is a pain killer addiction on both of their parts. I know the father before using pain killers used marijuana a lot. I know that the mother has been on some type of pills for quite some time. They were referred to as her happy pills growing up. I know that my girlfriend started using drugs at an early age and used to do drugs with her parents while in high school. They were perfectly ok with the use of cocaine just not smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol. All of these are things that I've been told keep in mind I've never witnessed any of them first hand.

I'm trying to get a better grasp on the family dynamics. She talks bad about her mother and when talking about about the father it usually involves then lumping the mother into the mix. She doesn't really talk bad about her father in the single context. She once again has mentioned how bad she feels for him. That he worked hard and loved what he did. He is pretty broken down after years of being a brick mason, coupled with a motorcycle accident. He draws disability and is unable to walk really let alone work. I've never been witness to her outbursts of rage on either of them but my time with them altogether has been limited. She has no problem talking to her mother, they actually seem to conspire together quite a bit in lies. On the other hand she does seem to have a problem talking to her father. They don't speak nearly as much and when she does talk to him you can see the anxiety and nervousness in her mannerisms and speech.

Her development of BPD may have been from the combination of the two, but I guess I'm just curious if I can learn anything more from the family dynamics?

Hi shinedog


I did something similar to what you've done here-- wrote out the info that I knew something about to see it in black and white |iiii  It's so eye-opening, yet I wanted more of the puzzle pieces to put the whole picture together.  So then I wrote out my own family dynamics.  I had a lot of thoughts about it doing loop-de-loops in my mind, but writing it down on paper and seeing it in black and white helped to make better sense of how I got into this relationship in the first place... .

Have you thought much about your own upbringing?

You don't understand about the rabbit. She is projecting onto the rabbit: she is sad. She needs a friend. She feels bad and alone. She is nuturing the rabbit/herself.

I know it sounds odd.

Thanks for your comments. The "projecting" on to the rabbit makes sense and yes like you it seems as though she cares more for the rabbit than for me.

Maybe I didn't explain the brother. At a young age she said she was mean to him. However, now she gives him anything he wants. Goes out of her way to provide even if it means guilting me into providing. Possibly projecting here as well?

Maybe this is the case.  Have you asked her if she cares more about the rabbit than she does you?

To be honest, if someone insinuated that I care more about my dog than I do them I'd probably say, "  Um... . yep! Bye bye"

Maybe your gf's looking for a boyfriend who can appreciate how much she cares about her rabbit?  And accepts her for loving it through and through.

Us animal-folk  our babies :)