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I'm 5 months out with one small long distance recycle attempt... . and am finding myself these last couple of days REALLY ruminating. 

I'm going to ask all my friends here on this board to offer me a replacement thought.  As soon as he/us/our relationship enters my brain I feel my eyes wanting to rain.  You all are the ones on this planet that know what I am talking about... . and can help me replace those damn thoughts.   

Now I need your thoughts... .

Hi UnLuckyLady

what about letting your eyes rain for a while? 

Acceptance and grieving about the loss of a rs... .

Even if we know it was unhealthy or there were red flags, a part of us is perhaps grieving - the loss of a person or a loss of a dream of being together.

Does this makes some sense?

In this relationship neither of your wants and needs are being met.   His needs are out of proportion and bizarre, you cant meet them without destroying yourself.

He doesnt give much thought to your wants and needs as his take center stage.  He can not meet your wants and needs, and more than likely, doesnt care too.

This is all about him.

Let go of this, suffer the abandonment depression, and come out on the other side having found your own value and battled your own fears.

Love yourself a bit and do this for you.  No one deserves to be abused.

I did the same thing; the longer time goes on the more real the breakup becomes, the farther the emotional distance, the more distant the memories, the more certain we become that it's over.  The loss of something that was once beautiful hurts, that letting go.

Grieving is a process that needs to be gone through, and it's most important to feel it instead of trying to stop it or fix it.  There's a line between processing and ruminating, ruminating being when you get stuck in your processing; what worked for me was to review the list I made of all the unacceptable crap that went down in the relationship to reconfirm leaving her was the right thing to do, and then consciously focused on a future without her, a bright one.  If you get stuck try that, but otherwise feel it all; that's the pain leaving.

I agree with all here. You do have to feel some of the pain to actually heal. But I've found using some kind of saying I guess has helped me. When I feel my thoughts of her coming back, I'll tell myself "get out of my head X, you are no longer allowed here" or whatever works for you. I've heard your mind can only process one thought at a time. Make that thought something other than our ex.

Hope this helps.

Hi,

The affirmations that I used were:

I am ok, this hurt is temporary, I am loving and deserve to be loved... .

This is a good time to practice meditating; meditation's entire goal is to push out thoughts - this practice was really good (hard as hell), but now days - much much easier to see thoughts and push them to the side.

Hang in there,

SB

my technique to cope (i am 2 months out only tho... . not long enough so is very limited perspective) is: i wrote down all the stuff she did to me. I like writing, so i went to detail but i also wrote how i felt. I did this as i KNOW i will get lost at some point and will want to return to the past, i am very good at "deleting" the bad memories and tend to keep the good ones, i call it my own survival technique. So i did a kind of "map" for me. I printed the nasty emails towards me, but also the ones where she contradicted herself many times within the same day... .

i re-read them when i feel weak.

Here's something you might try luckylady. It's a thought diversion technique. Put a rubber and around your wrist. Every time you have rumination snap it. Getting stuck in rumination/depression isn't healthy. There are other techniques, but you get the idea. Other techniques can be as simple as wearing a different piece of clothing and focusing on that instead of your rumination. Persistence is the key here. Gradually you can retrain yourself to not ruminate. Also setting aside time to ruminate and thereby allowing the rumination to out process. These techniques take practice and purposefulness. It can be done. It has to be consistent. We reach a point where it just is enough. I hope this helps you.

I like this idea.  :)

I may try this myself.

Thank SO much to you all and I like all of your advice.   I feel like I am moving on and WHAM!  The next day I am stuck in rumination.  I am a single mom of two girls and am a professional in my career.  I am Italian, which also adds to my strength because of my roots... . so I find myself putting on my own "masks" but when I am alone and I allow the masks to fall... . I become a blubbery pile of goo and tears.  This is NOT who I am.   I have been through hell and back in my life and have ALWAYS overcome.  But this. This hurts more than others.

I like the rubber band idea Perfidy... . as I have heard it correlates that thought of him with pain, and my brain will soon have had enough of that rubber band snap.  The ruminating IS getting better  but I just have so damn many questions that only that SOB who emotionally murdered me can answer. 

As IMF says... . I f**cking hate this disorder.

Mhh, ULL, could it be that there is a sort of inner conflict between a strong, 2girls-single-mom and professional with a affectionate, vulnerable woman? Perhaps the second needs some space too?

Just a thought... .

Lucky, it's part of your denial that he can answer anything for you. He can't. He can't do anything for you except cause more pain. Rumination and depression go hand in hand. Think of it as the same relationship with your ex. It was bad for you and it had to end. Acceptance doesn't always come easy. It will come though, and gradually become indifference. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. It will happen.

Actually the rubber band around the wrist works. It's called aversion therapy. I'm working on an invention of my own. It's called The PD Aversion Patch. You put it on in the morning and whenever you start thinking about the pwPD the patch jumps off your arm, kicks you in the crotch and calls you a pu**y! :)

This is also a skill in DBT - anything that can use your senses to change your thoughts.

Examples include putting your hand in ice water as well.

A hot frying pan works too.