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Okay,

Recyled over 40 times in 14 years.

The first time was a mistake.  A very bad one and one that could have possibly saved me allot of pain.  I wonder what my life would be like today if I had not met her?  Would I still be doing the same thing in the same city with the same people.

The second time was just plain stupidity.  Knowing and seeing the red flags, yet ignoring them because I was chasing that high of being on that damn pedestal again.  If I left this time I would not have a beautiful boy (8) who loves me dearly... . and looks just like me, just a little smaller !

The third, fourth, fifth... . 40+ other times is what raises eyebrows to me.  I am not being hard on myself, but I hang with allot of healthy guys, and well, we don't let each other play the victim.  And one of the things a friend told me today was that I needed to look at my part.  I tried telling him about the BPD, and he cut me off, and asked me again.  I really started to get frustrated bc I wanted him to know the damage this has had on my son recently, and he would have none of it.  Accountability... . that's what I need to realize. 

Yes, she did do something for me.  Just like alcohol.  I have said it before, she was an ego stroke, she was someone I could save, fix, and put on a pedestal.  But for god's sake I must make myself more accountable for me. 

37+ times of recycling... . just what choice was I making?

Absolutly correct.

I recycled so many times it makes me sick to think about it.I knew after the first few times that our rs was in a bad way, I knew that wed end up fighting again and recycling, man I knew sometimes when I was walking out the door that id be walking right back in it again... .

I was stuck, inbetween my screwed up view of love,my inability to accept that he wouldnt/ couldnt change, and my own pitiful self worth.

Im still so pissed sometimes about the years I wasted, but hey, all I can do is move on...

" life,what a fu** ed up thing we do, what a nightmare come true, on a playground if we choose,

And I choose"

The offspring- I choose.

Great insights, arn.  |iiii

What do you think is the reason you kept going back for more? 

Thanks arn, I too love the title of this post, very descriptive; I would add that it's all a choice, we're all volunteers.  I was fortunate enough to wise up after one recycle, and I agree it was a mistake getting back together, it was actually a mistake getting together in the first place, but yes, another recycle would have been stupid; even in the insanity I could see that.

H&W's question is a good one; why did you continue the dance?

I delved into a little bit of this with my P last week. It will be a main topic for next week's appt I am sure. But I know she made me feel better about me, I needed her about as much as she needed me. When added to the FOG I almost found it impossible to walk away... . what r ur thoughts? She was, indeed, beautiful. Very exotic looking, physically fit freak, so maybe she made me feel better about myself, a stroke of my ego, maybe? What about ya'll?

I agree, the right relationship helps us feel good about ourselves.  My ex, in the idealization phase when she was mirroring, gave me massive validation, compassion, empathy, attention and interest; it was a hell of a buzz, got me thinking finally, after all these years, I'm building a life with the right girl for me. 

And then she took it all away.  I blamed myself, something I should be doing better, or not doing, or being, or not being.  Insanity.  Of course I didn't know at the time that I was dealing with a personality disorder, but I eventually started sticking up for myself and giving her the same crap she gave me, and it ended quickly after that.  Borderlines don't play on a level playing field, they can't, more like a baseball team playing basketball against a football team, completely incompatible.

But the good news is I discovered what I need from other people, validation, compassion, and empathy, something I've never focused on before, and all of my relationships, romantic and otherwise, have benefited from that focus shift, the biggest gift from the experience.

I think that recycling relationships is just a bad habit- that once you're aware of it, then you stop it and replace it with a better habit. In this case, a better habit would be setting a boundary and saying to yourself in advance that you're only going to break up with someone once and after that, you walk away for good, no matter what. You can talk all day about why you kept going back... trying to analyze it... but "nothing changes if nothing changes". You have to change your behavior first and then worry about the "whys".