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ok - well its been several months now since my ex BPD gf had a break down and she broke up with me ... I still have feelings for her but im out dating again ... I have this fear she will try and hurt me some how when she finds out im dating again ... I want to know if any 1 has felt this way and have any advice for what will happen next ?

I only have one mutual friend with my exhwBPD. This friend knows I'm dating, have dated, and have moved on. But she would not mention anything about me to my x and vice versa.

Honestly, we both have moved on so there are no repercussions.

It's over.

That would be a perfectly reasonable view of a break up between two non disordered folk!

If you have a disordered ex partner anything is possible because their thoughts & perceptions aren't the same as ours!

Livetoride, from what I've read on these boards about 'nons' moving on, the BPD ex's very often don't take kindly to it at all. But there are exceptions!

Liken it to fishing! They are always fishing for that perfect fish, while the previous catches are kept in the 'keep net'. A fisherman won't take kindly to someone else taking a fish from the keep net, even though he's not satisfied with them & still after that 'perfect' fish!

Right before i let my exUBPDgf back into my life for round 2, i had asked her, "What if i was with someone else?" Her response, "I would do everything in my power to break you up. You are MY man." Doesnt surprise me now, so many months in the aftermath that very statement; it reflects the scary and sad reality, which in my case means, she never truly detached from me to say something like that.

He's disordered moonie... but he's a pwBPD that cuts people out of his life when he is done, permanently.

I agree with Moonie and Ironman.

Although I haven't dated anyone since my breakup, I have reunited with a lot of friends some which are female. We just hang out as friends nothing more. But my exgf doesn't like it one bit!

But, it's ok for her to jump to a replacement immediately,sleep with him, etc

In my case it prompted a recycle attempt.

Did you stick with the new partner & send tother one packing?

This is a real concern for me! I haven't dated & I'm far from ready if I'm honest. I too have reconnected with female friends & ex now ignores both of them if she sees them. My ex knows there'd never be romantic connection with either female friend & I, but it's a good barometer of how she hates me connecting with women. On any level!

Lord knows what'll happen when I have a new lover!

Hi moonie,

I stayed with the new woman, and she turned out to be BPD as well.

BPD No 1 was so devilish, keeping NC was a walk in the park. Not so with BPD No 2 though.

And Jesus wept

thanks guys for the reply ... upto this point there has been NC ... only attempts  to get at me by leaving her car parked at a  friends house over night even though she left early knowing I would see her car because it is at the end of my street ... which I found strange and the facebook games trying to make me jealous  and  which makes me wonder if she actually will try and keep me in the net so to speak ... even though she appears to be done with me ... its a strange illness and its great to be able to get a insight from this board ... 3 -4 months later theres allways this fear that whats going to happen next to hurt me so I have been waiting for that tap on the shoulder by a friend to say she is now dating ... im not sure if I would rather her date someone or just stay single because her friends are giving her the supply she needs at this point in time ... to hear that im dating again might set her of and im angry at myself because I still care about what she thinks ... sad is nt it

fear, obligation, GUILT!

Takes a long time to get out of the fog mate. Seems everyone struggles with this too, so don't judge yourself as sad for it. It's part of the course man.

LMAO!

When it rains it pours, dude.

  You a bad man Santa! 

Just from my experience & granted it's not much it's like what others have said they don't like the idea of you dating others (mine actually blew up at me b/c I was going to have a date when he already had one before me) Makes no sense. Why who knows.

I keep reiterating this.

Because they're the fishermen & we're the fish!

They throw us back into the sea, but into the keep net! They NEVER want us swimming totally free!

They lack confidence & self worth. They're VERY threatened by someone else offering to replace them. They will run down our new partner as a false show of superiority. Fuelled by their own inferiority fears of the replacement being better than the BPDex. You gotta let em have that worry, coz damn right the replacement is gonna be better. (Unless you're KE151)  lol

I was in contact with the BPDex and I started dating again. She tried to lay down a few "rules" about who I could dare and who I couldn't. She asked me not to dare anyone she knew so I dated her sister. Yeah, that happened. I did it just to stir the pot and that family hates each other so much, the sister went right along with it. Then when the ex found out I was dating another girl she tracked her down and gave her dagger eyes and made her feel uncomfortable, informing her that we were ex's. the girl I was seeing told me about the encounter and started to go off about it. I just told her I didn't want to talk about the crazy ex and she respected that. All this while her new host was right beside her. If I was that guy I would have RAN! Instead he spent six grand on putting her in outpatient rehab for meth and getting her rotten chops fixed. She still looks like a burn victim from digging at her face. Other than that she's a great person.

I don't know if most of them truly cut you out of their lives permanently unless they feel they have lost all control.

I have pondered long & hard about what might come my way when I eventually start dating again. And after all my thinking about her, both as a BPD sufferer, and as her own individual, I still have no idea what will happen.

The only one single thing I am satisfied will not happen, is 'nothing'!

hey waifed... .

Yea, he's done it with every woman he's had feelings for and left. At least, that's what he says. And yes, he has lost all control of me. I divorced him, I left him, I made sure he knew exactly why. His behavior was unacceptable. I won't have violence or anger in my home.

He changed his name, he changed his job, he changed his wife #3 (me) for wife #4.

I miss him sometimes, because like all of our pwBPD partners there was a side of him that was so very sweet and caring. But that man was lost to me after being married for about six months. I could not fulfill his needs, as they were tremendous and ever changing. He couldn't fulfill mine, because I refuse to live a life with drama, chaos, and anger. I could have handled the drama, but being afraid of him was just too much for me.

I hope someday to be in a relationship where I do not fear my husband.

blessings,

L

You're a classic! Good work.

freaky... mine said the same... . it is quite scary.

1 day after NC she sent threats to me (text & email)... .  

Mine just keeps trying to destroy my world

But I am with someone who lets me be myself all the time and it is so nice.

I am not afraid of him and if he is being a jerk I can tell him to f.o. ,and that is a beautiful thing.  When I was with my x I was always afraid.  I love to not be scared.

My x is still a looming threat, but I try to not give that too much influence over my life.

There are good fish

Mine said she'll flip when I date someone else. We're in no contact though and she moved 400 miles away, so I don't see how she'll ever know. I wouldn't care anyway. She can flip all she wants. She's not my problem now.

soulsisters, do you mind me asking how is he trying to destroy your world? i only ask as i think she is indeed trying to destroy mine... .

sorry if this is to deviate a bit the topic of the thread

Well,

He hired a team of hackers to torment me for 8 months and paid 98k to have that done.  My credit is ruined and there are still a bunch of after effects of that.

Once I was free of that hell he took some naked photos of me and posted them everywhere on the social sites, which I have never been involved in.

As of for right now he is skillfully alienating my 18 year old and 15 year old from me.  That has been the most evil of all the shifty things he has done.  He used all my friends and family members to hurt me as well.

He got one of my best friends arrested by calling this persons probation officer and made up a bunch of stuff, which is now dismissed after 2 weeks in jail.

My kids are the only thing that still hurts.  I know they will come back though.  Its just a battle.

They will do anything.  But that jerk doesn't get me.  Be prepared for the unimaginable.

L

You sound like a strong woman. He may fear being exposed by you. He may stay away to be safe.

WOW soulsisters, i feel for you and i send my very best wishes for this nightmare to be over for you. Sounds terrible.  thanks for sharing

Wow. That is some strong Narc Sadism right there. This kind of behavior proves that there is a spectrum to this disorder. My ex was very punishing and went to the ends of the earth trying the shame me. They are very sick, sick, sick, broken human beings.

Spell

Several people have made good suggestions.  if it were me i would not tell the ex and try to conceal it as long as i can.  these people think they have a permanent. claim on you and they cpuld try to ruin ur new realatipnship.

yup... . i agree, i have had to keep a low profile since the BU... . as i know how damaging she can be. I dont want to instigate any more violence or hatred towards me  for the moment. is like escaping! i havent responded to her many texts saying i am mentally ill, do i want to respond to her and tell her she is too? hell yeah! but i DONT do it, nothing to win and a lot to lose... .

she wont hear it from me... never. she would probably seek to destroy me more. Peace

In my own experience, they don't react very well and will see to it that they hurt you as much as humanly possible. About a week after reaching my boiling point and finally ending things with my uBPDexgf I decided to take this young lady out on a date to try and get my mind off my ex. I knew this woman for some time, she was going through her own trauma from the breakdown of a relationship with a narcissist and I figured it wouldn't do much harm to basically spend some time together in each other's company. As I walk into the restaurant to be seated, the hostess seats me directly next to my ex's BEST FRIEND and her fiancé! 

The irony of this whole thing is that my ex does not even live in my city, her best friend coincidentally moved to my city to be with her now fiancé who is actually from my city. I've know them for about 3 years and have NEVER seen them out ANYWHERE. Of course, the one night I take this woman out after my b/u I see them (life is very funny sometimes).  So, long story short, word must have gotten back to my ex and from that night forward her social media accounts were inundated with pictures of my ex and my replacement. Pictures of them together kissing, pictures of coffee that he bought her for work and her talking about how much he spoils her and how lucky she is to be with him (note that this is two weeks after we just returned from a 2 week vacation to Europe that I essentially paid for the entire thing) - how lucky she is to get coffee from the guy she cheated on me with!   She even posted pictures of them two together at HIS MOTHER'S FUNERAL! talk about sick! So, yeah, they don't take it well.

I broke up with my ex on December 13th. I was spotted last night in a pub with an attractive woman, by some friends of my ex. They made a point of making sure I was aware we'd been seen. We all know that will have been passed on to my ex immediately!


I haven't heard a peep from her!

In fact, the silence is unnerving!

its defanantly the silence that is un nerving like ever since the break up she told me countless times that I was the best bf she ever had she does know why her feelings just changed it is what it is ... like just cold as ice ay ... then cuts you out completely silence for 3-4 months have nt heard a peep out of her but the only thing she would do is try and talk to my friends hang out with my friends and leaving her car outside a friends place even though shes not even there so I can see her car ... stalk my friends and familys facebook but wont even talk to me ... it does my head in even trying to figure out what she is going to do when she realizes I was yes the best bf she had and will ever have ...   :) but until then I suppose I have to wait and see if she does contact me if she does shes going to get a big hit off don't talk to me ... then I can fully move on ...

DOwnandout... indeed waht a coincidence... . maybe that had to happen?

anyway, yeah, mine uses social media and telling people about how HAPPY she is now, etc.etc.etc, she posts photos and photos and photos with my substitute, whom is totally devoted to her (an old recycle)

the interesting part of this, is i know that she uses social media to build the image of "herself" that wants to project to the world. She always posted photos or status that indicated how happy, centered, patience, loving, etc she was, when i knew, at that very moment, she was having a rage or just coming out of it. So, i dont believe what she posts straight away.

 LMAO, thanks for the laugh! I needed that!  :)

I feel for you on this one as I did exactly the same, out of the frying pan and into the fire.

ExBPDw is pure evil, nasty and abusive and I haven't broken NC with her, despite still receiving monthly emails of bile and abuse. When exBPDgf came along, I was so focused on looking for the red flags that exBPDw displayed that I ignored the new ones being displayed. In terms of BPD, they were both very different and it wasn't until exBPDgf told me she had been diagnosed that I knew.

It caught me very much off guard, but when I look at it, although they were very different the core issues were exactly the same. They just manifested in very different ways but then again, why shouldn't they? It's not like pwBPD are identical.

One glaring similarity they both had was that they were both very jealous of the women in my life. That included my mother, my sister, my daughters, female friends and even my daughters mothers. I'm not that close to my mother and my sister lives abroad so it's not like there was any competition. My exBPDw befriended my daughters mother, I'm still convinced she did this because of her own disordered thinking. The belief that you go back to a good ex and could not comprehend that 2 people could remain friends after a relationship, especially when children are involved. I saw my exBPDgf do exactly the same to her exh's exgf. She contacted her to paint him black and for assurance that she wouldn't take him back at any point.

Don't think I want to imagine what would happen if they found out I was dating again if that was the behaviour during a relationship.

My dBPDxgf said many times in person and in emails during the last breakup/recycle cycle's that "she hopes that I find the one that will truly love me for me and that she will love me for the person that I am" (paraphrasing).  I might have to dig up the actual words because it always seemed to me to be sort of "I know that I'm messed up and can't be the one for you, but I care enough for you to let you go to go find that special person.  The person that I can't be".  Of course, I'm sure that I'm very much reading in to that.

I got the same exact BS. Except, mine told me that one day I will find someone and it will "take." Imagine that! It'll take? Sounds like a parasite attaching to its host!

My ex BIL (we married and divorced BPD sisters) got in a situation where, after he'd remarried overseas, he spent the night in a house here where his BPD ex was visiting also.  She entered his room in the middle of the night and got into bed with him, etc. etc.

Not long after that, she called his new wife gleefully shouting "I had sex with your husband . . ."

Be forwarned.

I love the fish analogy above.