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Every minute of everyday it seems I think about him.

I'm with him almost everyday, depending on his moods, of course.

But, when I'm with him, I love him when he's in a caring and sweet mood. Yet, I still have this dislike of him. An extreme dislike in which everything he does annoys me. Yet I crave his attention and company. It's like, if I'm not with him, I don't trust him. If I'm not with him, I think he's doing something bad (especially if an impulse or mood kicks in where he doesn't think logically or about my feelings).

It's kind of like a control and abandonment issue.

But, when I drop him off at home (because he's an alcoholic and needs a drink), I always have this empty feeling of misery and frustration.

I honestly think I'm in love and obsessed with him. And it's draining me in so many ways.

Why am I so obsessed? It's embarrassing, makes me feel weak and needy, makes me feel like I've lost myself. I can't even stand just being my myself anymore.

Has anyone felt this way?

I'm the same way, unfortunately. I think it is because when I think about her when I'm away from her I (regretfully) only think about the great times. I'm the fixer type, always looking to help her. Funny, my T says that my greatest strength is also my biggest weakness: I've provided too well for my BPDw and children to the point where they haven't had to struggle and learn to cope with adversity; I've protected them all for 25+ years. In the process I've become codependent, and lost myself. I'm at the point where I am beginning to believe that the only way to rescue myself is to abandon her, no matter what the personal financial cost. I find this very sad after a 28 year faithful relationship. My prayer is that both of us have the strength to do what is needed for our own self preservation and ultimate contentment.

Hopeless,

Wow, I feel for you. After putting in all of those credible and sincere years, it's sad that this disease forces us to make these kinds of choices.

And the obsessive thinking about them is extremely co-dependent... . I don't know who I am at this point anymore, either.

yeah, you summed up the final years of my relationship actually pretty succinctly.

I started going to alanon because the drinking part was really bothering me and I thought it could help, it did.

It was the first time that I heard the phrase, feelings are not facts - facts are facts.  That started me really changing my view of things.

What I finally realized (this is now years later) - I was controlling everything that I could to avoid feeling alone and having to start over.  If I did everything "right", it might work out as we talked about and the thought of being alone and not having my dream marriage work out brought out complete shame and failure in me that I wasn't wanting to look at.

My issues were not allowing me to radically accept the relationship as it was.   Those successful in a relationship do learn to keep themselves whole and allow the other person to be who they are also.

Peace,

SB

Please do it hopeless777. You like to save her and that's understandable but does she view you as her HERO? Of course not, you are her opponent, a very weak opponent because you always lose in her sick games. Her MASK is your wife.

She's never ever able to view your relationship the same way you do. I asked my psychiatrist to help me to get the hel out. He did an amazing job!

It sounds like you have made this relationship the most important thing in your life, and that is a very dangerous thing to do.  Christians believe in putting God first, and this protects them, gives them a kind of buffer for any hard blows that come their way, and many new age people believe in putting the global universe always first.  Putting something else first may not seem romantic, but it protects you from getting completely off-track at times.  If you are going to love someone with heavy, unhealthy issues, you have got to have a solid place to stand when they start rocking the boat.  I believe that if you are an obsessive person in general, that you need to find something really healthy to focus on instead.  And this is a true challenge, because people are fascinating!

Every day my goal is to find joy and fulfillment in things OTHER than my BPD partner, without being disloyal to him in any way.  Every day is a struggle to find happiness without him, so I don't become a slave to making him happy.   

I've come a long way in separating myself from his enslavement, and sometimes I wonder if I could trade it all back for the closeness we used to have, because I do miss it at times.  But my God whispers to me to be patient with myself and my life, and that I will have greater rewards and joys to come by choosing the healthy road.

Pearl55:

Very funny. About a year ago, she gave me this little clear plastic desk ornament that had a red heart in it with the words "My Hero" on the front. SO the splitting is pretty severe. Hero one minute, piece of s**t the next. I doubt any therapist can fix this.

Nobody can fix them. That's a sad reality and it's very painful hopeless777! I'm crying now while I'm writing.

beachtalks,

Yes, it is a very dangerous thing to put this relationship first, above anything else.

And I do believe in a higher power. I do believe in God. I want to have a faith that protects me from getting into these situations. The obsessions, etc.

I'm trying to find a faith that empowers me to love myself and be more understanding of others.