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I have no sense if normalcy anymore, I have no idea what that is or how I get there. This 3 year roller coaster of hurt, anger, and pain has me broken down, depressed,emotionally empty and my health is suffering.I am doing things I wouldn't normally do because I am stressed to the max. The black is seeping out of me. I have faced a hard truth: I have no control over it anymore. None. I can't fix it, repair it, save it, or heal it. I almost believe my actions are to sabotage myself to get away from it. I have never felt loss like this, anything to stop the pain.

Some normalcy would be great- if I knew what that was.

She broke it off. Blaming me for every issue in the relationship, not taking any responsibility, and reminding me of all of my faults and mistakes I made. Never mentioning once how hard I've tried and the tyraids I've put up with.

I feel really low right now. I hope I can follow through with the NC.

I am sorry that you are going through such pain.  You are right where you are supposed to be.  I know that it is little consolation for how you feel.   But everyone on this board has felt similar feelings.   Shout scream get angry but don't act on it. Your journey of healing has just begun and many here would like to help you along the way.  Take things easy and don't be hard on yourself

Thanks Irish. I've had a lot of emotion going on. It's fresh.

Jayhawk, all I can tell you is rather this pain right now than the long term pain and suffering of being with a BPD.  Congratulations on the first day of the rest of your life.  It doesn't feel like it right now, but in time you will realise that this is the best thing you could do for yourself.

Until that realization comes, we are all here for you.  Post, cry, get angry, process, learn, whatever you need to do, we are here.  Know that you will suffer setbacks.  Do not allow yourself to recycle.  As hard as it is, try to go no contact.  We know how hard it is and most of us have wavered in our resolve to do so, but we still recommend it.

Post as often as you need to.

Jayhawk21, I'm sorry for the pain that you are feeling right now, I know that it is very very painful. I can empathise with you that getting everything thrown on you for a failed r/s and no closure is hurtful and confusing.

It does eventually get better and it is hard to phantom feeling normal again, but it will come.


She will project or blame you for a failed relationship to protect her ego. It's a disorder. You will need to validate yourself.


NC will start to make you feel better. We are here for you.

Stay no contact, man. You have nothing to gain from communicating with her any if you try to contact her, there's a significant chance she'll call the police. Keep focused on looking forward. She's got nothing to offer you except more of the same.

I agree w/ santa.

I would also like to add that the FOG will start to lift, you will start to feel better and see the forest for the trees. I wish that I could go completely NC w/ex but I have kids. I have LC and the times that I don't have to communicate with her, it's bliss. But at that early stage that your at, LC really made me feel better and heal.

As santa said, when I did try to communicate with her about the r/s, I was quickly triangulated with the police.

Jayhawk,

When people first rock up on the forum, battered, bewildered & confused, it really touches me how openly & honestly the emotions flow out of them. I read your post remembering every detail of how I felt when I first got washed up on the bpdfamily shore. I had been tossed around in The Perfect Storm for three years (just like you), and finally ship wrecked here! On BPD Island!

After weathering that storm, I quickly realised I was emotionally ship wrecked with the most caring, sincere, genuine people imaginable. All broken hearted maybe! But even with broken hearts they offered me everything they had to help me recover along side them!

Don't hold back. Don't fear judgement, because you will never be judged here! Read, learn, soak up the wisdom of others. Ask for advice or help & you always get sensible & sincere suggestions back.

And in among all the tears & pain, we still find ways of making each other laugh too! And more than you'd believe you can laugh when you're hurting!  :)


The Perfect Storm really couldn't have washed you up in a better place my friend! 

+1  |iiii

Jayhawk,

NC is rough going in the beginning, but carry on. With space to think things through and the info on this site, you'll start to see the relationship in a new light. The pain will gradually pass.

I'm 3 weeks NC and I feel *so* much better. I'm starting to get my life back and keep the past in the past. I miss my ex, but I'm confident that I did the right thing. The confidence comes from learning about BPD and also learning about yourself - what aspects of your personality drew you into a relationship with a BPD... .

You'll be okay - hang in there... . |iiii

Jayhawk,

I can completely emphasize with you. When my r/s end it was my ex who did it and just like yours blamed everything on me. It hurt a whole lot. I'm a month out from the break. I had contact with him a couple weeks ago & tho I thought it would make me feel better getting closure it didn't bc again it was all blame on me. I now go through periods of being sad, angry, and every other emotion under the sun. Some days better than others. Hang in there it will get better!

please, please, please look after yourself. 

BPD's don't take responsibility.  They just don't.  My BPDexgf basically made my life hell and couldn't accept that the merry-go-round/choas was entirely of her own making.  I wasn't even around when things kicked off. 

Just breathe, find a really good therapist and remember that you are exhausted emotionally so the first thing you need is sleep, a good meal and a warm and safe environment. 

Don't contact her.  4 mths on for me, i realise that contacting her is hopeless -all she wants to do is hurt me, because it's the only way to releive her own pain... . she has no-one else who gives a rats derriere, so my contacting her would be heaven for her, hell for me. 

+1

Absolutely, looking after yourself should be your top priority. If you're just coming out of a 3 year relationship, it's going to take awhile for your head to clear. You've been drinking poison for 3 years, so it's going to take you a few months or more to totally rid your system of it and start thinking clearly. You're going to struggle for awhile and that's not unusual. We're all here whenever you want to talk about it. I promise you that if you give yourself some time, you'll start to see things a whole lot differently.

Thank you all so much for you kind words.

I'm literally crying my eyeballs out as we speak.

I did all I could, I put up with the violence, the yelling, the constant back and forth, 2 runs ins with the police, her mood swings, blaming, ultimatums, dysregulation, the bulimia, the recent drinking binges (which she blamed on me) and her using all my insecurities against me. I did it for 3 years and failed.


  I almost felt like I was becoming BPD. The last 3 days have been hell for me. 2 days of the silent treatment. Then finally when she did talk to me she talked to me like she was my mom, and told me very abruptly that is was over an that she had a date that night with a guy she met off the internet(which turned out to be a lie, she said it to hurt me). So I became despondant and made a big scene at the gym Because I knew it would embarrass her. She sent me a nasty email so I sent her an email (she blocked me from calling/texting). This morning I got a response and I was so angry I crafted a 2 hour response that was full of frustration, hate and disgust and sent it. Then she calls. We argue for hours, then she hangs up, I send her another email she calls right back. Then we continue to argue, I end up at the gym and she's is there. We ague some more then she dismisses me and our 3 years with"are you done? I have to get to my workout". I crafted everything I knew about her into a weapon and used it against her. What have I become?

      All I ever wanted to do was make her smile. She had a childhood where her dad died when she was young, she was picked on a lot and was a massive introvert. She had a failed marriage to a man who just wasn't equipped or interested in dealing with her. She had a few friends when we met, but she cut them out one by one. She's been bulimic since she was 11. I'm the only person that knew. I bought her flowers every 2 weeks because I knew no one else had. I took her on vacations, concerts, she told me once that she hadn't experienced life till she met me. I swear I tried. My life was centered around making her smile because I knew that she was always unhappy. We didn't find out she was BPD until 6 months ago.

But today I feel like I am her. Fully of anger and empty. My self esteem is destroyed. I feel alone. I have alienated my friends and family because of her. I have no interests of my own and everywhere I go is where we went.  I put all of my energy into her, and when she was nasty she got all of it directed back.

I really am asking myself, is this who I am? She told me today "How does it make you feel that the person that knows you best thinks you are a ugly, vile, disgusting person, and doesn't want to be with you?"

I miss the person I saw when I fell for her. She rubbed that in today too "I loved you from the moment I saw you".

I'm a damn mess.

[quote author=Jayhawk21 link=topic=218497.msg12382594#msg12382594 date=

She told me today "How does it make you feel that the person that knows you best thinks you are a ugly, vile, disgusting person, and doesn't want to be with you?" [/quote]
WRITE THIS DOWN! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, write that statement down mate!

That one statement alone, is proof enough that she is seriously unwell. It's abhorrent & disgusting to in its every breath!

If/when she comes round to wanting/needing you again, written reminders of the words we buried to try to lessen our pain, are VERY PRODUCTIVE TOOLS!

Don't under estimate the conflicting thoughts, hopes & memories you'll have if she rocks up later down your road to recovery!

You may feel you'll never forget those words. But please get it written down for reference later. The mind does astonishing things & you'd be amazed at what I'd forgotten, till I read back through my notes.

Let the tears flow too. If that's what your body needs today, let it do it. Don't fight it, you need to let it come out in all it's facets!

Don't beat yourself up about this. We're hear to help you mate.

Moonie

Yesterday jayhawk we've all had the same thing.  For me it was you are an ugly monster.  And your bald and ugly.  Don't understand that one because I am not bald.  And she called the cops on me.  So don't take it personal it's the illness.   Best to read and post here.  If she is through with you consider it a blessing.   Many have recycled and the situation gets worse never better.   Believe me I can speak from experience.

Moonie,

Thanks much for the support. She doesn't come back. I usually crack first. However this time I wrote a disgusting email that will keep her away, almost like I sabotaged myself.

So that's her ammo to stay away.

I just look back and I know I made mistakes. I know she was the smartest funniest sexiest woman I've ever known and she could finish my sentences and say things as I was thinking them. That's what hard to remember. I usually am the positive one. I remember the vacations and concerts and private moments. It's hard for me to remember the chaos until she is screaming at me, assassinating my character, and becoming violent. Then all I want to do is to make it stop!

Right now I really miss her. That's all. 

I know I'm a good person and strive to be better everyday. But I lost sight of that, and fell into a cycle of crisis management. So when my well was dry I turned into a major jerk.

So when the closest person to me tells me I'm vile, I question who I am.

Don't beat yourself up. Under severe emotional stress we all have done stupid things.  You are not a jerk and not vile.

Because she is used to having the control don't be surprised if she tries to contact you once you go NC. Be strong and hang in there. It gets better.

After the fight we had today and the things I said I doubt I will hear from her ever again.

I said some very out of character things, including pointing out most of her BPD characteristics and applying them to what has been happening.

Suggestions that helped me:

Try not to project too much.  Breath, stay in the moment, and try to ask yourself, "what is the best thing that I can do for MYSELF at this moment." 

Remember HALT... . don't get to hungry, angry lonely or tired.

Stay on the board.  Find some support from a friend or family member that will not judge you.

Be careful of your responses to the tension.  I lost control and then the police came.  Not really warranted, but try telling that to them. 

You are the GOOD person.  A CARING person.  A person of CHARACTER.  We know and recognize that as fact here on the board.  Don't lose yourself in the disorder.  And BE SAFE. BE SAFE.

You are not alone.

Thanks dude. I have been there done that with the coppers. Once they got me, once they got her.

I left my set of keys to her apartment under her mat so I'm not tempted. I am trying toms ray on the board and reach out to friends. Most of them are not empathetic anymore. This cycle has lasted a long time.

I am too stressed to eat, my anger turned to sadness and  I can't help feeling like I miss her. Tired: I fall asleep. Lol.

I do have to manage my response to stress sometimes I get it in my head that I'm going to try to fix things. Then it blows up in my face.

I appreciate you reminding me that I am good. I don't feel that way.

I'm as safe as I can be.

I called my therapist tonight and she said that she is afraid that I'm going to get stabbed. She saw my pwBPD for awhile and she said that she's been very good at predicting these things. That resonated with me.

Why does it hurt so bad... .

When you are little you need unconditional love to be secure enough to develop a good anxiety free personality. If your FOO doesn't provide that unconditional love... you get bye,... but crave it and don't even know it. When you meet a person with BPD... they idealize you, blow smoke, tell you that you are wonderful, hang on every word and top it off by bedding you.

After a while you idealize them, put them on a pedestal... deep down you take it as unconditional love... and start to relate to them like you are in a primary relationship with them... as in a parent/child one... . with them as the parent. It doesn't seem like that... yet it is different from normal relationships... instead of standing your ground when you argue... you find yourself accepting the abuse and internalizing it... feeling like you are at fault despite it not making sense. Sex might seem a bit creepy at times... but you feel alive, like a kid again, in touch with all your emotions... . that you normally distance yourself from. You are smitten.

Then their disorder kicks in and they become a hater or dump you abruptly... and instead of saying "oh well" and going clubbing... . you are devastated... like a parent died... only worse... like the perfect parent you never had... then had briefly... died. It is agony like you have never felt. All the pain/hurt from your FOO is back and applied to the loss. Your head can't make sense of it, you can realize it shouldn't be that bad... but it is.

You find yourself wanting to be with them despite whatever horrible stuff they did... and given a chance you jump at it, get back together... and this time its good, but not nearly as good... and the good doesn't last long, the bad starts sooner and is much worse, till you can't stand it... and you want out... and so the cycle of recycling goes on. I have done it 7-8 times... some have 20 or more times.

The relationship is need driven not love based... you have a deep need for unconditional love and the unfortunate luck to meet someone that fears abandonment and is stuck in a behavior loop that makes them repeat the trauma that caused their behavioral disorder... the arguments you have are like they don't even listen to you... your words fall on death ears because they answer the questions they ask you themselves.

So long as you see them as your dream girl, the perfect person for you, and take the things they say to heart... so long as they say "jump" and you say "how high?"... you will be pulled to the depths of despair... . by the trauma from your FOO that you largely put out of mind long ago.

I think it is easier to break the spell they have on you if you are still seeing them... explore mindfulness, learn to be present and not ruminating about the past or worrying about the future... just present and centered. Require your pwBPD... to prove their wild claims, accept nothing simply because it comes from them... when they tell you something ... like you are fantastic at your job (which they perhaps have no way to know really)... don't take it at face value... challenge it... based on what do they make the claim?

BPD is a personality disorder... which leads the pwBPD to be at times an exceptionally shrewd manipulator... and to be manipulated... you have to buy their story. When the lies don't work... and the drama does't make you jump through hoops... it is like a con man realizing they have been found out. For someone that has dated a pwBPD... staying tied to here and now... and reality, not dreams, not memories of how great it was with them at first... is what gets you headed toward normal again. Over time your view changes... you see them as the root of all your problems and have lots of anger, hate, etc... then eventually you can come to accept that they are disordered... and you were in a relationship with someone that was a psuedo-momma... with the emotional maturity of a 3 yr old. Seeing them that way makes it easier to keep away and move on.

Charred, thanks for the post.

You nailed it except 2 things which I know every situation varies; sex wasn't awkward at all, in fact she had never felt more comfortable with someone and for the first time in her life was able to consistently climax with someone. It was definitely the best sex I ever had on every level including mental and emotional. However. Her therapist and her and I have come to the conclusion that she was most Likely sexually abused as a child. Factors of sexual acts she liked, the way she zoned out during some of our more extreme escapades, and we actually stumbled across a scenario that made her feel unclean, and she tried it again to be sure. Im  not even scratching the surface of what we explored together.

Second, I was more of a parent to her in the respect that I was her caregiver, when there was even a small problem she would freak out, meltdown, breakdown and I had to fix it. I also had to come to her rescue more then once. I've picked her up off the bathroom floor more then once, and I mean that accurately. However you are correct that I backed down way too often.

You are also correct in that it is a mom issue for me. I am aware and have started focusing on that in therapy. She reminds me of my mom down to her sneeze, her perfectionist characteristics and ironically they share the same name.

At this point I we are on NC. and I want it that way, so does she. She has her walls way up, is constantly on the defense and is oppositional and defiant of any reason. She takes the "I don't have to answer sh!t, do sh!t for you"stance. I am always the one to break the NC, so I don't see us ever having contact again.

So the spell will hopefully subside with time.

The sex was great at first... if you don't recycle and keep going back... . maybe you will never get to the point of it being weird... . that is cool.

Picking them up off the floor doesn't change the dynamic... my pwBPD would rip me a new one when she was being hateful... but be pathetic at other times... she was off the wall BPD... could be the poster girl for the disorder.

Seeing things accurately, reality based... breaks the spell for you too, but it isn't easy. Mindfulness helps, my T had me get Eckart Tolle's "A New World"... which got me started with it... and gave me a clue to the disorder... he describes "egoic"  versus "authentic"... and 100% of the BPD drama is egoic... it is all ego defenses and old trauma wounds and neediness... there is not authentic/genuine relating. You have to be push/pulled and constantly tweeked to keep the weird spell going. For me the hardest thing was accepting that I had my own issues that were bad enough that the intense feelings from them... made the loss of my pwBPD devastating... . it meant a lot to work on.

I didn't think my BPDgf was anything like my mom... my mom was quiet, very emotionally reserved, didn't do crazy stuff like my BPDgf did. Then for my kids bday, my mom sent a note that was so disordered... it finally started to click... did some reading and found out about "waif BPD" types. My mom lost her mother when she was 5, and her dad shortly after dumped her on her grandparents and didn't come back for years (WW2)... the grandparents were the "kids are to be seen not heard"  type... and she is pretty traumatized from it all... great person in general... fairly horrible with kids under about 7-8. So mystery solved my BPD gal was from the same type as mom, but emotionally expressive (which I thought was great)... till the main one was hatred/anger. Gal has been bane of my existence... put me in a world of hurt... which I gather is of the magnitude you are going through.

I sympathize... . no one should have to feel that kind of pain. It is not the pwBPD's fault, and not really your fault... . while it goes back to your FOO... it may or may not really be their fault. I am over 50 now... and my mom is in her mid 70's... and isnt' going to get over her issues... she didn't choose to lose her mother or be without her father... but the losses left their imprint. Her issues have impacted me... I easily forgave her, had a harder time forgiving my pwBPD... and the hardest time of all (what I am still grappling with)... is forgiving myself for all thats transpired. I got a divorce, lost most my stuff, hurt my kid by leaving her mother... on top of the pain of the BPD r/s.

The support on this board has been so helpful... years ago when I was in my 20's... is when I first met and dated my pwBPD... and I was in love and doing great... till she dumped me with no explanation. Took up with a neighbor... devastated me. I moved 1700 miles away to keep from killing someone. Back then... had no idea why it happened... thought it was me, thought she was honest, wonderful, almost pure somehow.  Now... I know I spent over 20 yrs pining for a whack job... who when she did come back in to my life... turned it upside down a second time. My insight to how the BPD r/s is like a primary r/s... . came from life experience... I heard her voice after over 20 yrs... and was 100% back to where I had been in my 20's... which doesn't happen with normal GF's... . but does happen with parents... the feelings don't subside... but they can be recognized and rendered harmless to you.

Dude I am mate a week ahead of you. I broke NC after two months of separation and she did indeed call the cops. She always called the cops. The joke was that if we disagreed over pizza toppings she would call the cops. It's good to see how many of you experienced the same crap.

Mine was immediately whoring around. With a guy that lives near me. It has been the worst pain I've ever experienced. These boards have helped me so much. I'd hate to think where I'd be were it not for the education I've gotten about BPD.

Don't go back, man... It gets way worse and she will destroy you. That is my reality now. I never thought I'd find myself where I am and all over a crazy b!tch. I'm sorry. I'm in the angry phase now and have no sympathy.

You deserve better and in a few weeks you will be mad at yourself for not walking on this nut job a long time ago like I'm guessing everyone told you to.

You are in the right place as am I. Walk with us a day at a time and lets heal from this hell. I know how you feel. We all do. They say it gets better. I'm going to trust them on that. they haven't led me astray thus far. Peace brother.

Charred,

So on point again. My pwBPD is the poster girl for the disease. Including all the self destruction. She's  been purging since 11 and the last month has drank like a fish. I've never seen it. Scares me. And mixes it with adavan. When I did pick her up off the floor I was great, till she had twisted thinking about something I said, then all my good deeds were forgotten.

I'm reading a book called the "high conflict couple" even though there will ne NC I will still finish it to learn more, including mindfulness.

My pwBPD and mom match exactly (ironically my T thinks my mom has BPD). It's almost scary. Truth be told when I was cuddling with my pwBPD I almost thought she smelled like my mom. Weird I know.

I blame my pwBPD only in that she won't get treatment. And when she had me call around to find someone for her (caretaker) no one would take her because she has untreated co-morbidity. Especially when she came to me 3 days ago and told me she was concerned. She told me she was drinking to self destruct and to drink till she couldn't stand up. She also said that every drink makes her happier. 

All I have ever done is try to take her pain away.

I have appreciated all the support and reading so far. I haven't even read it all yet!

At this point just seeing a pic of her is making my heart flutter. Knowing I won't see her again.

And honestly I can afford for my sanity and my pocket for her to come back.

Buddy,

My T has told me to have NC for a week. Then go another week. And so on.

She won't call the cops on me. It backfired on her last time. She got removed from the house. And had to go to court for charges. I got her but off bc I refused to testify.

I don't want to know what's she doing from this point on. I'll lose it. And yes every did tell me to walk away.

I look forward to the mad angry stage. It's better then crying.

I feel blessed to have someone to walk with so I can begin to heal. And so I can cope without reaching out to her.

The cops thing backfired on mine this last time too. They took us both to jail but dropped hers later because she is a female and manipulative. She totally trumped up charges and now is going to testify after telling me she would make it right... They are sick and evil, an. Mine has now done things I never would have imagined. Sh!t you see on TV but never think it could happen to you. I'm thinking NC and these boards are the only cure. Hang in the bro.

I'm sorry you are so sad.

This will pass.  One minute at a time.  You will look back at this place some day and wonder why you were so sad.

Take things in small fragments.  One other thing that helps me when I think I can't deal with something is really loud rock music with the ear buds in.  Pick you favorite stupid loud song and rock out.  I think it scrambles the brain so it won't cry.  Just don't pick a sad song and I swear it helps.  Make sure you know all the words.

It sounds stupid but it is a must have in my pain kit.

Take care.

I think for me mornings are the worst. I always got the best sleep when I was curled up w her. Which i never have wanted to do that awith another woman. I cherished the quiet moments when we were like one person. Now I wake up and wonder what she's doing. If she replaced me already and if she misses me.

Soul- we were so tightly connected in music that all our music tastes were the same. Especially hard rock music. I'm going to try to distract myself and reconnect with friends. If I cry, I cry. It's better then keeping it in.

I do know one thing: I really put 110% into her. So if if I'm replaced he isn't going to do the things that I did and connect to her like I did.

Maybe one day she'll realize that. I hope when that day comes I'm past her.

I'm actually sitting here thinking I'd rather be over at her house, with her, and things be on eggshells than feel this pain I am feeling right now. Man I must have no self esteem left.

I have never cried so much in one day as I did yesterday.

Felt same... I feel for your pain.  Remember waking up with my pwBPD, and just feeling like the world was right... like Disney or something, the sun shined, birds chirped... not a care in the world. Can remember after breakup, dreaming she was in my arms, my alarm going off and it was like she faded away and I felt crushed.

Music, food, smells are all strong triggers... . you might want to listen to alternative for a while and try some new eats.

The pain is intense, the desire to go back strong... then you do and it is wonderful for a day or week or maybe a month... . but it gets bad quick... and worse than it was before... you want out, get out and want back. Actually did that 7-8 times ... . and each time my self esteem was more crushed, she was meaner and my stress went up. Been seeing a T since it ended... and getting treated for PTSD.

Would stay away from booze... hang out with friends that support you, do your best to keep busy, dig in to mindfulness... its best thing I found for stopping the ruminating and pain. Keep posting and talking it out. Helps more than you would think... it makes you put your thoughts together and clarify your thinking... . which is good, as it can get real fuzzy with all the emotions.  If you can see a T... they can help... though it takes time and seems like a glacier pace.

Charred,

  You again hit it on the head again. The Disney morning, and food, her smell, music, places, and worst of all, I am a photographer as a hobby, and I have 1000s of pics of her.

You said it exactly about the recycle. Each time is worse and I get more desperate and do things out of character like I actually creat situations or try to be mean... . But every time she is worse, more cruel, more defensive, and more calculating more manipulating. This time the put downs were horrible and the silent treatment was bad. Then I got the ultimatums, and she threw the fact that she doesn't trust me in my face. I was in the middle of the gym fighting back tears.

"My life is better without you in it"she said. And was as cold as she could be. She said because I "don't listen".

I'm not a big drinker and normally only drink socially or when I am happy.

After looking through another post I have realized my mental health plays a huge role in this:

1. I'm a caregiver- I never knew this about myself until I was with her, and I did just about everything, so she didn't have to. It was my way of showing love, and I realize I was trying to get her approval. A FOO issue. I Felt like w my mom I was never good enough.

2. Co-dependent- I had a desire to be needed and feel like someone loves me.

3.  Knight in shining armor- I always wanted to rescue her. And she would create situations for me to do just that. Even small issues like locking her keys in her apartment, she had a meltdown and I had to fix it.

4. Self esteem issues- I always thought highly of myself until I got into this, then I let her beat me down, telling me how horrible of a person I am, how I have violated her trust, and after she yelled herself out and returned to normal I always thought- she must love you, you were able to ride out her rage and now she is calm and doesn't want you to leave. (Even when she told me to leave she knew I wouldn't).

I'm going to continue to post and read.  It seems like I read story, after story, after story about the almost exact same situations.

I also just now thinking I need to avoid being where she is as well. We go to the same gym. Time to look elsewhere. And find some new spots to frequent. Luckily she doesn't have any friends so we don't share any.  And listen to sports talk radio. She wasn't into sports.

The morning thing- I just need to keep walking through hell.

And she made contact. Texted me to let me know that she would drop my shirt and my extra keys off  not needed , am I right? I didn't respond even though I wanted too.

    ((   )) hugs Jayhawk... .   because I could have written your posts.  I have cried at work, I have cried at the gym - from the ever excalating threatening cruel texts from my ex... .  

And yes, you are right... .   there was no need for her to reach out. 

Last week after our longest period of NC (5 days) - the ex texted me and said "hello" - that was IT.   I would up responding a day later asking why he only said that and he told me it was to let me know he unblocked me.

Necessary?  NO. 

You connected on music?  I did with my ex.  Initially... .   hard music.  When he started listening to some bizaarre techno type stuff, I instantly knew he had to be talking to someone new... .   when he started suddenly wearing designer jeans which he previously always hated, I knew he had to be talking to and/or dating someone new... .  

We should be jumping for joy that they are moving on - at least my ex is.  Yet I too wish I was in the midst of his rage or walking on eggshells than without him... .   I know this will pass.  And the more it passes, the better understanding I have of myself... .   but after each contact from them, the addiction starts over and then when they are gone again, the withdrawals set back in... .    brutal 4 year pattern... .  

And I agree with all of this - I can't listen to music right now.  I smelled someone with his cologne the other night at a bar, it killed me.  No one wears that.  And that 1.5 drinks I had that night?  TOTALLY did me in.  I went from on the edge of depression to full blown scary place... .  

What kind of treatment is there for PTSD?  my therapist doesn't get the whole trauma bond issue that I've experienced.  I live in a big city.  I can't figure out why it's so difficult to find someone who truly understands what we've been thru. 

I do you one better in regards to smell: I bought the soap that his whole flat smelled of. Gives me comfort at night. Mental, I know!

There are various PTSD treatments... my T does EMDR, the eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. Basically they find pavlovian triggers for when you were strong/confident and get you to detach from the painful PTSD stuff... using the strong/confident reactions to work through it all. Kind of weird but seems to help. Guy had a little weird light box he used to flash on feelings... . if is like NLP lite in my opinion.

The value of the T was not the PTSD stuff really, it was being pointed to mindfulness, and having a well regulated person to talk to that would listen... that has helped the most. It doesn't seem like T is making much difference, but after a while you realize it has... the progress is not as visible to you as to others.

My ex actually bought me the lotion that matched his soap at home because I loved how much itreminded me of him... .   that was long ago... .   I can't let myself smell it... .

Well now this morning it's 1 iMessage and 2 short emails. She's mad bc I took back the $1000s of dollars in jewelry got for her. Right or wrong. When she would have major meltdowns over things and not be able to emotionally interact with me, to stop her in her tracks I would get her a piece of jewelry. Most of the time it worked. I could rationalize whatever the situation was out with her. However it got mighty expensive. Keep in mind last time we caught she had one of them on.

  Here is her quote:

"Nice of you to steal my necklaces too you hiting loser. Thats ok. They weren't worth hit, and they were ugly anyways. Make sure you give them to the next chic you screw over."

"hit giving your keys back. Look for them in the dumpster in my parking lot hithead"

If they were ugly and worthless why keep them and wear them?

Now she has my number, and doesn't have an iPhone, only an itouch and iPad.

I see the level of manipulation here: I'm not going to call you or text you directly because I'm in control. Oh you didn't respond to my IMessage? Well I'm going to email you. But I won't text of call you because I'm still in control.

I'm not responding.

And ANOTHER EMAIL! This one was mean to assassinate my character and remind me that I am out of her life because she wants it that way and is in control.

Hello Jayhawk and welcome,

Most of the people who have commented on this thread brought me to the light yesterday so listen to what they have to offer you... . they know every angle. I can't really speak to you about the tremendous heartache you have with regards to the dynamics of your r/s, you see, I was the POSOM. I never had any accusations or freak outs or any negative emotional outbursts from her because in her eyes, I was the supply... . I could do know wrong. So my heartache is from my participation in the affair and is also the motivation to leave it behind.

What I can provide you is proof that the moment of clarity, when the light bulb comes on, is waiting for you and perspective will return.

The longer you go NC, the better. And then... . you're free.

You're gonna make it.

Wow it is amazing the support that is in this site. I just joined and thought i was a noobie but more and more people keep coming in with similar stories.

I just got out of a 3.5 year relationship with my MPD ex girlfriend 2 months ago.

I was 1.5 months NC but I screwed up though and broke NC. I thought things would be different but they are not, it was just another chance for her to mess with me. So do yourself a favor son't break NC. I know it sucks not talking to someone you have always talked to and shared things with, but this is to save you from them trying to get back into your life and take more.

And i know you are trying to rationalize the things they did andtry to understand why they could do such a thing. I have been doing some research and will continue to, that it is more about them then it was about you. Their reasons for leaving and hurting you were because of their issues, not your own. They can't and will never see things your way.

So stay strong, we got this. Time to pick up our balls and take back our lives.

It is like they come from the same cookie cutter. Jewelry ... . bought my exBPDgf rings and tennis bracelets and earrings. Expensive stuff. She had crappy living room furniture, tiny microwave, old tube TV... etc. Would get her nice gifts... and she would seem to like it at the time, then be campaigning for something else.

In 4 yrs of total time with her she bought me 7 shirts... which when we argued she threw a fit about and demanded the money back that she had wasted on them.

"Pearls before swine"... that is what it seems like.

charred,

amazing! I was the most thoughtful ass! I got her flowers every 2 weeks like clockwork, because no one in her life ever got her flowers consistently. I would by her thoughtful cards when she was down, and sweatshirts bc she loves lounge gear and she was always cold. I planned outings, payed for them, vacations, and would buy her jewelry when she had meltdowns to calm her down. 7 or 8 necklaces, 5 or 6 rings and we were even engaged for a bit. (which she still wears on the other hand to this day). I knew what jewelry she like so I placated her just to ger her attention. I bought her decor for her place,(we lived together for 2yrs and when we split I let her take most of the things we bought together, and I am VERY nostalgic). I made her bday as freaking special as I could. Her family is estranged, and she alienated all her friends, so holidays it became my responsibility to keep her from spiraling.

No matter what I did, it was temporary happiness. she would go back to purging and drinking. She was so Drunk on Thanksgiving she purged right in front of me.

Lessons- thats what I try to focus on, just take a step, one step