BPDFamily.com

hello,

I noticed my mUBPD was a dreadful housekeeper (I'm talking: his place was a complete mess, not just a bit dirty but really a disaster: clothes everywhere, ashtrays overloaded, he never threw his dirt in the bin, just left it everywhere on the floor, his PC dirty and dusty, even though he was hugely attached to it and noone could touch it, not to mention the state of his sheets or toilet...   )

second he was also not very hygienic to his person or his clothes, shoes,... .

it seems like nothing really mattered to him, except his hair, he had some kind of fobia on how his hair looked 

third, he couldn't handle his administration at all: he didn't open official letters, didn't read his e-mails, didn't pay his bills,... . so ofcourse in no time he got himself completely out of the system, which is why in this moment he does not have a job, or any other income, he doesn't have a house (lives with some "friends", he doesn't have an official adress, and loads of bills he doesn't pay... .

in the short time we were together, he tried to put it all on my shoulders, before I knew it I found myself cleaning his van, washing his clothes, organising his administration,... . I can tell that didn't last long 

but why exactly are these kind of basic things so difficult to them, he is after all an intelligent person, and when he's working he works really hard and fast, though always a bit unorganised

My BPDgf isn't a great housekeeper. But she is like a million times better than me in that respect.  . Some of that is a guy thing I guess. Although I am kind of a freak about personal hygiene, and I'll never go out of the house with dirty hair.

How intelligent is he? It's funny, she has a daughter who is genius level. (160 something IQ, according to Stanford-Binet) who is just like me in many respects. She will be standing next to the trash can, and drink a soda, and walk over to the counter and sit the empty bottle on the counter.

I think a lot of it is due to our minds being elsewhere.

It would be an over-generalization to say that people w/BPD are all disorganized and/or not able to keep tidy.

Actually, some of them can be obsessively clean, and/or rigidly organized.

That said, in those, who do get disorganized, and/or have a problem with cleanliness:

There could be a combination of reasons for this. People w/BPD often are depressed, their day-to-day lives are very painful, full of crises, resulting in broken relationships, high stress, shame, feelings of worthlessness, and generally feeling overwhelmed.

In that state of mind - no wonder one would not be motivated, or have the energy to organize and clean.

The problem is that the mental/emotional chaos their lives are in day-to-day, results in physical chaos in their surroundings and the problem only compounds and can feed off of itself... .

Does that make sense?

yeah, in his case I would say it's about being with his mind elsewhere and being depressed and I haven 't said that he's a heavy blower, which is ofcourse also one of the reasons  ,

but still I heard the same story of other BPD's who don't do drugs, so I'm still thinking it could be something in their minds that is not functioning as it should ?

I suppose it has something to do with not taking responsability for themselves (eg if you don't open your bills, you will get in trouble for sure, and if your home is a mess, you will feel even more hitty and worthless :could it be an unconscious way of selfpunishment ?)

about his intelligence: he's the kind of kind guy who could explain you all about quantumphysics and how the universe is expanding  |iiii, he's into mathematics and physics a lot, if he wouldn't have his disorder I would say he 'd be a great teacher (he has a twinbrother who is a mathteacher btw)

oops, a bad word slipped in my text, sorry for that 

apparently there is no way to edit your message once it's posted ?

My STBX was not only a slob and hoarder ,  I found he could never FINISH anything.  There isn't a single project in the house that he started and completed.  I was told that the reason he never completes anything is so that no one can judge the finished project.  Some of the unfinished projects simply make me band my head on the desk such as installing an electrical junction box in the air (in a horse barn) 25 feet and not putting a cover plate on it, can we say fire hazard?   I've got 4 of these in a barn.  FORGET anything being done if one of his projects failed (making walkway pads with a bad mix of cement resulting in a horrid looking pad that looks more pointy cobble stone then a cement pad) they remain looking crappy for ever. His garage took me days to organize, believe it or not I found "parts" to 9 drills and only 2 of these drills had all components necessary to use.  

When I cleaned his BR which took me 32 hours to empty, clean spackle and paint.  I found moldy dog food cans, ice cream containers and 3 inches of plain dirt under his bed.  

Yet his rant at the kids was that they were disrespectful to him if their rooms were messy and once a year would toss all their things out on the lawn. When I tried to enforce rules such as rinse your plate and load it in the Dishwasher, he would never set the example for the kids and tell them I was too lazy to do it myself giving them reason to defy my request.  

The state of your home is usually an obvious depiction of the state of your mind. When I'm down, the place goes from fairly clean and organised to topsy turvy.

My husband, who has BPD, is obsessively clean and organised, with some OCD traits but I'd not go so far as to say he has another disorder on top! He's a 'putter', and I'm a 'leaver'!

I also know a couple of women with BPD who suffer from OCD to the point of it taking over their lives. One would freak out if the kitchen wasn't clean from top to bottom. It seemed like a way of controlling something about her life when everything else in her mind was chaotic.

yeah, my ex neither, he could work on a project with full enthousiasm, and really fast, but somewhere it went wrong (usually a fight with me, not necessary about the project) and then he stopped, and went back to his usual state of sitting behind the pc and playing games for days. Also I noticed that he only could work on a project if I was somewhere around to support him (usually cleaning the mess whilst he was working and looking for tools he couldn't find   )

I didn't hear about the idea that it's about judgement, but it could be.

I realise now also that he hasn't finished school, had at least 15 jobs in 10 years, lived in I-don't-know-how-many houses, etc... . if the mess (physically or mentally) becomes too big, they just tend to leave it behind, that's understandable I guess.

My ubf with BPD is very organised and tidy, in fact it's me that is the untidy one and he who gets annoyed with my mess.

I don't think it is a symptom necessarily.  Some people are messy and some are tidy, for whatever reason, and some of them will have BPD.  In my opinion, tidiness is overrated!   

Janey xx

haha, I agree, I never said I am such a good housekeeper neither, still, his mess was beyond all ratings   *)

I have to AGREE in that it is a over-generalization to say that BPD's are untidy people. My wife (an extremely low functioning BPD) is a horrible house keeper. But her brother is a high functioning BPD (a yell-er and a bully to his wife) and extremely tidy. His house is always in a state of "show-home" cleanliness. He is obsessive about that.

absolutely true... .

Mine was extremely and obsessively clean and organized. Keeping lists for almost everything and anything. Each object in the house had its place and do not dare to move it... .

Mine was completely tidy and organized in his office.  However, his house was the complete opposite.  A total mess.  Stuff all over the place and unfinished projects galore. 

I imagine their minds as being like an MC Esher picture. Who knows what's going on up there. It's probably tough for them to sort through all that and still manage to clean.

Mine went on cleaning binges when she felt like it, but it was always spur of the moment.

This is only my opinion, but I think this may be a good description of two different reactions to the same thing.

PwBPD generally have a lot of painful and chaotic stuff going on in their lives/minds.

Some may react by giving up, some may react by obsessively trying to control their environment in order to feel better.

Normally borderlines are untidy but those ones are tidy or even extremely tidy have OCD issues or OCD. Bpd almost never exist on its own.

If my Ex was depressed he would let dishes pile up in the sink etc, wouldn't do much but watch TV and play video games, however he would play when he wasn't depressed but much more obsessive when depressed. However, he tended to clean his apartment on Sundays and do a good job at it.

He was OCD and had issues with my "messes," water on the mat after my shower, I admit I would step out of the shower and get the mat pretty wet at times, but after he told me it bothered him I was better about it. I remember him asking me if I was a neat person and I told him I could be messy, he wasn't a fan of that. I might be a little messy, well my room at home is messy but I didn't think I was that messy at his place. He got all passive aggressive about me not putting his towels in the bathroom neatly on the rack and he sent me a picture of this, I know really? Then when I was over again I put it away nicely and then he messed it up and I put it back nicely and of course he  made it a mess again and I left it... . passive aggressive much... . not sure what the big deal was really!

I would have to completely agree with this statement. exBPD/NPDw and exMIL were at the extreme end of obsessive. exMIL would clean for 10 hours plus every single weekend and everybody had to join in. exBPD/NPDw was of a very similar mindset and would rage at something as simple as towels not being folded as she would do them. She would also spend hours writing to do lists and regardless of what you were doing at the time, you had to drop everything to assist. Rages would come if you didn't complete all of your tasks within the given time frame but the same rule didn't apply to her.

exBPDgf, was very disorganised and messy though. This was mainly due to her depression and spending most of her time sleeping though she would try to clean but only do the minimum amount required. There was very little floorspace in her house, clothes everywhere, boxes, you name it.

That said, I have friends that are just as untidy and they don't have BPD, likewise I have friends that are obsessive about cleaning and they are OCD not BPD.

Would have to agree though that the key to this may lie with depression.

WOW - my uBPD/NPD ex gf was a horrible housekeeper.  I wouldn't stay over at her house much because of how much of a pit it was.  She also didn't stay organized with bills and finances.  I don't know if it was the PD or the extreme emotional immaturity that contributed to the mess and lack of organizational skills.  The entire environment of her house was like a child raising children!

hi,

I couldn't find the meaning of OCD ?

My ex's room was absolutely disgusting... . I'm pretty messy but this was incredible.  Bathroom disgusting... . really filthy.

He's got himself into a terrible mess financially too-owing tens of thousands of pounds of tax and his company is about to be struck off.  I'm getting all the letters sent to my flat (he moved out a year ago)... .

Of course I am!  That way he still hears from me when I send him final demands etc.

Not any more though... . I'm done.

agree with pearl... mine admited to having OCD (Obssesive Compulsive disorder)

It stands for obssesive compulsive disorder