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I want to know because my exBPDgf dumped me for some other guy. I know he is feeling all special now, like he found his soulmate, and like he is the man for getting someone so great.

But i know that this is just a phase and things will change. I went through it with her, she put me on a pedestal and made me feel on top of the world. But things changed.

I want to know because she dumped me 4 months before graduation. And i know it is wrong to wish this upon your enemy. But i want him to be around enough to see her change and start to drag him to hell. I want him to know that he is not fortunate to have found her but realize he was the next prey.

So how long do idealization phases usually last?

Mine lasted about a month and would come and go depending on what she needed from me. I think to that it depends on how confident our boundaries are. I had low self esteem and she knew she could bully me. I thought I was lucky to be with her. God, I'm mad at myself for taking her sh!t!

Average seems to be about three months. All but impossible to hold the mask for much longer!

Long distance relationship can be waaaaaaay longer though. Much less triggering & many pwBPD cope very well in LDR's.

I was long distance for a year. Perfect, not a single issue. I moved to be with her & stated showing cracks after about two months. At three month mark I was in the thick of it!

i think it depends on the dynamics of the relationship between the non and the BPD, but in my experience, it lasted 4 months... . but i saw some red flags during those months but i just ignored them (ha!)... . just got properly bitter after 4 months... . acidic. ouch

Hi Pino,

Will it help you to know the answer?  It sounds as if you're struggling to detach and move on, which is perfectly normal even if its painful.

Are you looking after yourself?  You might be spending a lot of time thinking about this and not enough thinking about yourself and what you can do to begin to try to heal this very deep wound.  The thing is, as natural as it is to feel this stuff, while you let yourself obsess about her and who she's with and what she's doing you're effectively keeping the wound open and raw. 

It takes as long as it takes, I know this, but try not to dwell on your loss.  If you can I'd plan to go see friends, spend time outside, do something different, give yourself a hug and try to shut her out at least for some of the time.  The healing can start once you take that step to be in control of your thoughts and feelings. 

The wicked game these people play is so powerful because they have no rules or boundaries.  In order to heal we have to rebuild our rules and boundaries to not include them. 

sending you a 

Janey xx

i am actually having a hard trying detaching. I was good right after the breakup a month ago. But things all changed when i had to spend a week in the same venue as her. I would see her randomly and it brought up memories. I accidentally broke NC. And everything felt weird especially after running into her and her new guy. Also hearing the dirty things they have been doing already. this is all getting me sick to my stomach. Yesterday i left that same venue and have not seen her since. Out of sight out of . I have been trying to get my mind off things by doing work or working out. It is going to take me some time to recover after last week.

Its amazing how fast you can go from feeling good and strong to feeling terrible again and caught up in the web... . but you're doing the right things Pino, you just have to keep telling yourself to do them.

BPD people seem to be a bit like (demonic) children, they have very little conscience.  They can make you feel so loved and special and then so bad about yourself that you want to die!  In the end it boils down to what you will let them do to you; its a hard truth to swallow and I"m only just getting it from reading what others say on here.  Of course first you have to realise what they're doing and that you're letting them, that's the hard bit.

Avoiding places she might be is a good idea.  Stay strong! 

Janey xx

janey62, yes i agree with the whole demonic children thing. my ex was a dark person and had no emotion to anybody. she was such a horrible person she would turn a straight guy gay . that is how messed i am after all this, yes the attention and sex was great but i barely think it was worth it after the way she treated me. thanks everyone for the advise

I understand how you feel though try not to get bitter, why would you wish for that guy to get into the same hell you experienced... . the guy is not to blame I suppose

in the end your bitter or revengeance thoughts are harming you more than they"ll harm them !

try to look at this relationship as a lesson that will make you wiser in your next relationship and be glad you got out of it  :)

I agree with triskina, Infact feel sorry for that guy and be glad for your loss.

It lasts until closeness/intimacy reaches the plateau level in normal relationships. That is when trigger day occurs and in direct response, the terrible stranger is summoned forth; their other side. No exact period is established for length of time, other then, rest assured that it will happen to the new person too. Why? It is a universal aspect of the disorder and you experienced it too.

Piony,

I completely understand where you are coming from.  Although I have even interacted with my replacement (now wife) and she was so nice to me, I want the mask to fall sooner.

I guess it is a combination of factors, the first few probably apply to you:

1. Confirmation it is not you, but the BPD that is faulty (hard to admit but true)

2. A desire for the ex to continue to be sick (I don't want my ex to ever get better, after the amount of pain he has caused others, let him suffer) - not sure if you're at this place but my ex behaved dispicably.  Thankfully, I am certain that this is true anyway and he will suffer.

3. Makes what they said to us less believable in our heads if we know they have behaved in a similar manner with others.

4. Replacement attacks our ego - why weren't we good enough? How could we have been left so suddenly and not cared about? What's wrong with us? What do they have that we don't?

For me, there is also:

5. She is a good hearted person and she doesn't deserve to go through what I went through.

6. The sooner he is left, the sooner the world will know the problem was with him, and not me (as I was publicly blamed by his classless family).

7. He and his family caused me and my family so much pain and moved on, as if they did nothing to us (calling off a wedding is pretty damaging) - I want them to feel the pain that was put in my heart.

Piony,  while I completely understand why you want to know how long until the next poor victim sees this, it is detrimental to you.  I know this because it is where I am stuck right now.  We cannot live our lives waiting for theirs to collapse.  They will be left, if the non has the courage and strength to leave, otherwise they will be stuck in a horrible relationship with a monster.  Pity is the right emotion. 

I remember my replacement telling me that I show character because I don't begrudge her.  I don't hold a grudge and she is marrying my ex fiance. Well, you only begrudge people who you have some ounce of envy or jealousy towards.  By this point in time, I knew my ex will enough that the only thing I felt was sympathy and pity for the girl.  We are lucky piony, we saw the truth.

The mask will fall, because it is who they are.  You simply cannot pretend to be something you are not forever.  Especially if there is also a personality disorder thrown into the mix for good measure.

Piony, take comfort from the fact that it was a close shave and this new relationship is yet another ticking time bomb.  Don't wait around for it t go off, get on with your life.  Their fate is for them to face, go out and find your own happiness, because it certainly won't come from them.

To actually answer your question, it depends on a number of factors.  How long distance they are, how severe the BPD is, how low/high functioning the BPD is, how good the non is at handing dysregulation, how much the non is willing to put up with and how many triggers are faced.  Symptoms show between 3-6 months with slight red flags before then that are generally ignored or explained away.  How long the non will stick around is a different matter though.

My BPDgf had a 10 year relationship and then straight into a 2 year marriage that she says was over from the start. Although she claims that she has been single for 5 years after her marriage, I know that not to be the case and her relationships always fall apart around the 6 month point. She classes anything less than 6 months as never happening too.

In terms of our relationship, she literally and figuratively hid behind a mask for the first couple of months. Was over there one evening when she had a major drama going on and she went into a rage. Not at me or anything I had done but ended the relationship a couple of days later. Apparently, I wasn't meant to see that side of her, she didn't want me to hate her and was afraid if I saw the anger I would leave her. I didn't and since then the cycle repeats regularly with her running away and withdrawing.

I'm pretty certain when it gets to 6 months, I will just become another "never happened"

The way I look at is that there are sicker men and there are better men. Life is dynamic, always changing. If they are both sick on the same day for a lot of days in a row, it won't last long. It couldn't, there would be too much turmoil. I lasted almost eight years tolerating absurd behavior. I knew she was sick. I was sick for accepting her behavior. I also have my own life that I pay a lot of attention to. Living my life and minding my own business instead of hers extended the relationship. In other words there were a lot of days that I didn't fall into her sickness. To sum it up, it depends on the individuals.

I agree with Perfidy Mazda and Ironman.

As I also think, it depends on the level of functioning and their history.

Been together more than 3 decades. A 10 yrs nothing at all, second 10 yrs,  some “odd” behaviour, wrinkles, contradictions gaslightning. In year 21 a total devaluation of me. Until year 25 some outbursts of which I thought What the heck what is happening. As from then an every 3 months, a 15 times total. Additional a 6 times when she threatened to stop the r/s. In her Grandiosity, the 6th time it was over in a blink of an eye.

The last 2 yrs. (as I learned about it) I managed to reduce the outbursts to once a year.

So I truly believe it has to do with their level of functioning, stress they experience in the r/s and/or work. And looking to myself too, I always was strong, but faced a difficult period too. So she took that with both hands.

Pino,

 My idealization was about a month until she started to rage at me. The first time, I actually got pissed. She called me an a-hole over something so insignificant it threw me and I told her to leave my house. She cried like a baby and I felt so bad I took her back.

Three months in she dumped me. Seems like every three months I got canned and she would dissapear for an amount of time that was strange.

Exactly 37 days. And our last contact would always be 13 days into it.

How nuts is that?

I started marking stuff in my day planner, I still do. That is how I saw patterns and started piecing BPD together.

I know it is hard but don't wish this hell on the other person. She is not going to change and it might be different with the other guy (because he is not you) but don't think for one moment it will "work out". It will drive you crazy if they stay together longer than you and her did.

Best thing to do is mentally wish her well. Send her off with "love". As crappy as you felt you need to re-emerge back into your life happy and moving forward. I know how hard this is. Read my posts. This past year was the worst year of my life.

By far.

It will get easier as you emerge from the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt). After awhile you will feel for the other person... . they have no idea what they are getting into.

idealisation lasted 8-10 weeks.  Then minor weird statements.  First full blown rage about 4months in, then the rage episodes were every 2 mths and the nasty statements/actions, almost every week.  Got to the point where she avoided me because she couldn't help herself... . even invited me to church with her on Sundays because that was one of the few places where she could control herself. 

Bit like the sex in a negative correlation way.  lots to start, nothing by end, although lots of statements that she 'loved me'... .   (to compensate)  The more angrier she got, the more lonely I became. 

hell

Mine dumped me after a week of us being together, then again a week later.  He put it down to nerves after a nasty divorce.  It happened like that for about 10 weeks, by which time I was thoroughly confused and I ended it with him.  We had NC for 3 months, but he must have planted a chip in my head, or, I'm a complete lunatic, because one morning around 5.30am I texted him saying, I miss you, and he came right back with, I miss you too.  That was a mistake 

We also lived apart for 16 months and the meltdowns were 4 to 6 weeks apart.  He would stay with me for a a few days and then need his space and go home, often then sending me weird texts and sometimes they became abusive, especially if he was drinking.  When I moved in with him recently it lasted one day and he kicked me out!  Since then its been every 3 days, with one or two longer bursts of calm.

Sigh!

Well if you want the idealization phase to be super fast then follow the same course/path that mine did. Go on first date, next night go over & hang out at his house spend the night (with out being intimate), next day go running together after work then go do own thing, next day spend entire day & night together stay over at his place, hang out next morning for a little bit, spend the next night together and proceed until you have basically spent the first 10 days together non-stop with maybe a few hours apart due to work or for me taking care of my dogs. Add in non-stop texting, phone call etc. It got close & intimate really quickly tho it was a false sense but 10 days right away triggered him bad. He took the 10 days and how deep it was to fast fwd our r/s to what it might be between two people at 5, 6, or maybe 7 months. Criticism, devaluing, etc came by day 11 I believe that was the first time he got mad at me for something innocuous. From then on we would go about a week or until every Sunday then it got shorter and shorter to about every 48 hours. He was aware of this I even said one time you know we are fine & you are fine with me when we are actually physically together the rage/him getting mad I told him only happens when I leave and am at my own house (isn't that telling) he brought up at the end it didn't work bc we couldn't get along for more than 48 hours and why that is he didn't know (him BS cause I was getting along fine he'd just create something to get upset with me about and say I was then not getting along with him)

If you want the idealization to last longer I would imagine do a LDR or make them follow the same dating rules as most normal people, you go out on a first date, then go out the next week and during the first month maybe see each other once week, 2nd month 2x a week, 3rd month 3x a week, 4th month 4x a week so on and so forth... . Following that pacing I would imagine by 4 or 5 months you'll see it start unraveling.

My ex was high functioning and performed well at work, but in his personal life, he was a mess.  He had the ability to compartmentalize his life pretty well, so only his significant others were at the receiving end of the madness. 

We'd known each other for years and were initially long distance living in different states.  We visited when we could and kept in touch via phone and skype.  I experienced push-pull the first time he visited.  It struck me as odd, but I didn't realize what it was until later.  I started seeing cracks in the mask within the first month (even long distance) but during that first month he was receptive to my questions about his inconsistent behavior and had reasonable explanations.

By the second month I caught him in a rather large lie, and that was when I experienced his first rage.  Over the phone.  I'd never had anyone yell at me in that way.  That was when the idealization seemed to shift to a mixture of idealization and devaluation.

Five months later, I moved to his community.  I was giving it a 6-month trial period.  As the end of my lease approached, he went further downhill, and during the last two months there was a lot of acting out at his end.  It went from bad to worse. 

Before I moved home, I spoke with his ex-wife who validated my experience and that helped me make the decision to move.   

Sorry for taking the scenic route to answer your question about how long idealization lasts.  The answer is 2 months in my relationship. 

Idealization lasted about five months... .

We met on July 26, 2011, his first paranoid delusional behavior started a week before we got married on January 4, 2013.

So that is aproximately 5 months, 2 days. Give or take.

L

A New York minute, or so it seems.

Love, how long were you married for, if you don't mind me asking?

January 4, 2012 to September 9, 2013.

1 year, eight months. Things rapidly deteriorated after our one year anniversary. Rapidly.

and no problem! :)

sorry, just noticed my typo in my earlier post... . We married in January 2012, not January 2013.

It's funny... . with voldy I noticed that he would dysregulate considerably on "occasions" - our 6 months, my birthday, valentines day... . almost as if the stress of the expectation triggered him.  Do you think that could have come into play?

This is a very good response.  I know how much it hurts.  At times I still want my cheating ex and her new object to suffer.  But even when was happening, I knew that he, my replacement,  really didn't have the self awareness and self esteem to fight of the mirroring.   But it is still a big hit to my ego and false self.

I try and remember that what I let go wasn't a great prize but in fact a great burden.  And my replacement helped me dodge a bullet by taking it himself.  

And if I will be happy if terrible things to happen to my replacement... . does that mean that the guy who was in line before me is not really happy that I am suffering?  

Being stuck in the anger phase is a dangerous place, because it is not sustainable for a long period of time and can lead to impulsive and destructive responses.    Please be careful and be safe.  Take hope and strength in knowing that your feeling are identical to ones that I have had and probably the vast majority of people on this board have had.  The same topics come up over and over and over.  This one is not new.

In support,

T

So my ex left me and moved across the country and has been living with my replacement ever since. its been almost 2 months now.  So the bomb should go off pretty soon? :)  

It could, or maybe your replacement doesn't trigger your ex quite as much.  It's not that the replacement will be treated any better, but some people react differently.  I new that my replacement would be better for my ex because he didn't have any kind of temper.  He was totally able to suppress his needs.  I learned that his mother was a piece of work and he had to survive that.

But I also knew that he was a better fit for me ex.  He would get triggered like me.  And I don't think that he wants what I wanted in a relationship.  Many people are able to stay with a partner with BPD or NPD is they are simply willing to accept that cheating will be a part of the relationship.  I set that boundary, and that triggered my ex.

A few things happened at our one year, I started a huge project at work, I was becoming disenchanted with him, the drama just never seemed to end Mazda. In the first year we were married, he had 3 people in his family die, his son (only 17) was in trouble with the law, his son got his 16 year old girlfriend pregnant, the bills for his son's juvenile incarceration... . The constant drama of HIM.

His pain (he had intense shoulder, back, neck pain), his family, his son, the deaths in his family... if I didn't drop everything and attend to his needs I was resented. The project I had at work was one of those projects that is once in a career. It was my time to shine, it had a definite end date, and he did not help me at all. I was working horrible hours, taking care of the house, him, my kids... . and he couldn't even go to the dang grocery store alone. When he started raging at me I just couldn't take it any more. It was one thing to deal with all that drama and be a strong couple, but another when your husband is taking pot shots at you every single day. He literally made my life hell. An emotional vampire, I was completely drained.

I could not fulfill his needs, they changed all the time, and he was seriously the most vindictive person I have ever met.

So was the anniversary a trigger... nope. He had been building up resentments against me from day one. Eventually they leaked out of him... all over me. He couldn't keep them in any longer.

L

Well from what Ive heard about this guy is that hes a real a-hole.  Was always sleeping with multiple girls, referred to them as B&*ches and what not.  All of her friends and old co-workers cant believe that she has moved out there to be with him.  She even told me after we got back together that he was a real piece of s^%t.  I guess thats what she wants?

So very true and it was a literal mask at that. She wore heavy makeup because she was afraid if I saw her, I wouldn't like her. She mirrored me as much as possible but was anxious I wouldn't like her otherwise. No matter how many times I told her to just be herself.

At the 3 month point, she had a major crisis one night and I rushed round to help out. She ended things a couple of days later "because I was not supposed to see that side of her" No amount of telling her that I accepted her for all of her was enough, it felt like I was being kept at arms length. That was definitely the start of the decline.


Found out tonight about replacement, it was 4 days short of 6 months so that prediction was definitely correct. Time to set the watch and by March/April the decline will begin. By June I have no doubt the next replacement will be on the scene.

The worst part is the lengths she has gone to to keep it secret, while still keeping me on text for validation. I suspect she thought I might keep for later if all else fails. I'm not that stupid.

Mazda, in my experience stress affects a lot. social events, important deadlines at work,  celebrations (bdays, valentines, xmas), someone else getting a promotion or a graduation... . all of them threw her over board.

Love,

In a way it's a blessing in disguise.  If those things didn't happen to dysregulate your ex, you may still be together.  It was a quick marriage and a lucky escape.

Voldy's grandmother passed away a few days after his wedding and I hope it helps reveal his true colours sooner.  At the end of last year I heard that his family member said it had been the best year of their lives.  Nice to know that I cried every single day and that was he case for them.  I hope the ables are turned this year.

For me, if I found out that uBPDex was living happily and successfully, it would be a sort of nightmare not because I directly want him to suffer (I don't THINK I do... .  although get the odd impotently vengeful thought) but because it would feel like a kind of 'proof' that I am the crazy useless piece of hit he said I was... . he said many times that I was aging, would not get another man like him, was lucky to have him (LOL! yeah dead lucky, to be dumped pregnant and lied to for months... . ) was crazy,  a nightmare, impossible, destined to be alone etc etc.

And a lot of narcissistic self praise about how sought after he was, so many offers from  young pretty women. Ugh.

To see him happily moved on and also successful at his work would make me feel that perhaps he was right, the problem was me... even though I know he behaved vilely all the way through and particularly at the end with his affair and abandonment combined with the most vicious projections and lies.

I can relate so much.  My ex married the guy she cheated on me with.  And there are times when I can find peace and pray for their happiness in earnest, and there are times when I just want them to end in a murder/suicide to validate my feelings and experiences. 

But usually the latter of the two feelings are when I am lost in self-pity and fear.    And I also realize that the latter state once again places my self-worth in terms of the actions of my ex. 

When she was happy I felt worthy; when she was angry, I felt deficient.

I don't want to live with the above statement or with the opposite:

If she fails I was worthy; If she is successful, I am deficient.

Both statements are just opposite sides of the same coin.

Instead, I try and detach and say, it doesn't matter what she says, does, or is... . I am me. 

I don't have a temper either. I listen, observe, then engage. No boundary was set this time around as we didn't even have an episode yet. She just dipped out, blamed me for everything. Out of no where... .

1-1/2 years

It lasted for about 2 month for me... . 3 month if you take long distance into account.

After the idealization she barely felt like having sex, we fought like every 2 weeks and her whole personality started to change. However, once in a while after our fights she would show off her idealization behavior, but no longer than a couple of days.

As long as there are NO problems... .  

So... . when she and I were cheating on her husband for a year everything was perfect... . then as soon as we moved in problems started up.  She broke into my facebook and phone, accused me of cheating on her, networking to find a job was my excuse to hook up with chicks. 

She became extremely paranoid.  Rages started.  I would end up being flip flopped between Godhood and Crap on a Shoe.  It was brutal on my self esteem.  I'd break up with her.  We'd start up again.  Everything fine for a while then bam!  Rage and Adoration. 

For me the idealization phase was over when she was raging at me every two weeks.  It was brutal.  Usually when drunk and would last for hours. 

When she could tell I'd had enough and was ready to split she would ALWAYS try to be on her best behavior.  This last go around she found the new guy when she could see I had given up.  There was just no fixing it and she moved on FAST. 

It always happens... . they have such INTENSE anger at their childhood that rage and entitlement are RULES.  If this new guy gives her the world... . she'll want more.  This is what they do. 

What's with the 2 weeks mark? :D

I think mine was the waif type. She didn't rage like some the exBPDs of you guys... . but she became extremely bhity some days and was rather passiv aggressiv up to the point where I got pissed and later she would accuse me for being aggressive or argumentative. Or she would break up with me or move out for minor things. Once she packed her stuff and left because we couldn't agree on what to have for dinner.

I noticed that thinks were fine between us up the point where things got serious in terms of our relationship and our studies. When we started dating it was at the end of the semester after all exams were done. However, later on when we were stressed out by the uni because we were about to graduate things got nasty. We had a feedback session for our bachelor thesis every second week. I know that her thesis didn't go well, as she was one of the only ones to fail later on... anyway every time shortly after the feedback session we would have a fight. I am pretty sure that there was a correlation there.

There is a scientific study that states that the honeymoon phase in any relationship dies around 18 months.  That's when you really get to know the person and have most likely seen every emotion.

A person diagnosed with BPD cannot HOPE to have a honeymoon phase last this long.  They simply can't keep a cap on their emotions or behaviors for that long.  It requires FAR TOO much energy for them to not be what they are. 

Yeah. That's far too long. My ex kept it in honeymoon for a few weeks and that was a roller coaster. I knew something was very off in the first two weeks. She told me al I needed to know, actually.

mine lasted about 6 months but im hoping it starts sooner for my replacement