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last night. shes like its our one year anniversary. etc. well

after much reluctance i allow her to visit. its supposed to be for just closure.

anyhow. we are watching a movie. and she wants to get intimate. she tries. and gets close.

but i knew, it was just going to repeat the cycle. i think thats what sex is for her. its a way in to anchor herself in my life.

its weird.

i had a stomach ache. maybe God gave me that so i wouldn't be very tempted and my head would work better.

i don't know. i explained to her. "lets get the closure we planned, and talk later."

after a bit of reluctance, she did it. i was  a bit impressed. i hugged her good bye and said drive safe.

she drove off peacefully. i threw up around 5:30 am this morning. but we are broken up... . and yes we still plan to talk in a civil manner. but definitely let this relationship not be romantic, exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend until she gets better. or just remain friends.

we've been through so much. i really for the first time feel peace about this. do i miss her affection. a little. but I'm talking maybe 20% - 50% it carries. to where it used to be 90-100%

she lives like 25 miles away and its difficult for us to see each other during the week.

i don't mind face timing with her. its not her i hate. its the incidents. its the mistakes. and we both need to heal, and gain perspective,... . and just get a grasp on our life.

to be more productive, more centered in God.


i know people with BPD can say vile things, hurtful things, just the worst, this girl called the cops on me.

i am not defending or enabling. ... . for me its like this is the Super Bowl, and I'm just trying to salvage the friendship for what it is on its purest form. i know this may prove to be a fools errand. trust me i know.

at the same time. like i said. i am not avoiding her, we aren't avoiding each other. we understand that we are not working. we understand that we are not "together."

she accepts it. i do to. and if i wanted to right now i could talk to her. but i choose not to. i do not have enough desire to do so. its just... . not that time.

and if and when i do... . ill reach out to her. ill see how shes doing. yes. i know she could meet someone else. she could be with someone else.

for me at this point in my life, it just takes less energy to do it this way than to create and act on hate and avoid her.

I've been through break ups where i avoid someone. and i usually have done it to prove a point. i don't want to do that.

it didn't work between us. and perhaps she needs time, counseling. something. God.

maybe she needs to own up.

but i don't feel adding my hate to her will help the situation.

sex, i think thats the main thing here. i think thats what has added all the chaos. if i can remove that from this relationship. i think we can gain a new perspective.

as for me... . yeah i see sexy women everywhere. but i just don't want to feel love and affection for a  while.

just a detox from that addiction of lust, sex, escape. i just want to work on my life as sober as i can.

so... .

my thoughts.

-the sculptor.