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Have any of you gotten to the point after a breakup with an exBPD where you hit a super low and needed professional help? Like a shrink

Do any of you recommend it? And did it help?

If not what are some better alternatives.

I have been feeling really depressed lately. It has only been 1.5 months since the breakup and I'm still finding it hard to move on. She is already with some new guy and I just feel pressured to have a rebound already.

It is messing with my everyday work, I can't focus. I want to talk to people around me but they have no idea what I went through or why it is making me so depressed. The best alternative has been this site. And even though I will continue to be on this site I feel like I need to take to a professional. Someone who is suppose to listen and actually has things to say about my situation.

A hitman.

yes - a T is a very good gift to give yourself after all of this.

Most of the folks who truly recover and not bounce to another relationship quickly tend to do quite a bit of self-reflection... . it is the silver lining of the chaos.

I tend to think of a T as a trainer for our emotions, like if you wanted to get really physically fit - you would hire a trainer for your body... . why not one for the emotions?

Oh gosh yes...

I started seeing a therapist the first time my ex husband raged at me for over 13 hours. It absolutely destroyed me, I had no idea what I was dealing with. He scared me so much.

She told me to leave him.

I instead went to marriage counseling.

The marriage counselor told me to leave him.

I asked him to leave, he left, I filed for divorce. This was in May 2013.

I then started seeing a different counselor, that's been since July of 2013. I recently checked myself into an intensive outpatient program for depression. Got out of that a couple of weeks ago.

I intend to keep seeing my therapist until I'm on the other side of this, I expect to see her until May of 2014. That would be one year after it all went down.

I have two boys, and a great job that keeps me really busy, but regardless it was very tough to divorce someone you love.

Had no choice. I was afraid of him.

L

Classic!  I was thinking the same thing! :)

I started T about a year into my 3+ year r/s with my unBPD/NPD ex gf.  During the last six months of the r/s, my T worked with me to understand why I was in the r/s and that it was unhealthy and abusive.  With her help, I began to visualize and plan my final exit. After the r/s was over, she is helping me really dig into my own part in the "dance".  I can't recommend doing T enough.  You can make the decision to heal and empower yourself to move forward with a healthy life and r/s's.

I did... . 23 years later. I broke up with him in 1990 , never spoke to him again until June 2012. He friended me on FB of course I accepted.  He had just gotten married in March of 2012 , told me he was miserable didn't want to marry , thought of runnning away before the wedding.  

He told me that I destroyed him when I broke up with , that he started he drinking and doing drugs.

I had so much guilt for destroying his life. I cried every day from Sept 24, 2012 until May of 2013. His wife caught him sending me inappropriate messages through FB. She told me everytime he is unfaithful she catches him.

It has taken me along time to come to grips with the fact his choices he made long ago were not my responsibility.

Thank goodness for my T. I still wonder why it was so easy to rope me in, guilt I guess.

Been in therapy for over two years. Therapy was the best investment I made... . I didn't do it for her, I did it for me. 

I highly recommend it. I have been in therapy once a week for the past year. Yes, it has helped me a lot (with anxiety, depression, PTSD), especially when the T understands personality disorders, which you can/should request. You have been traumatized by this individual.

Will it be helpful for you? You won't know unless you go. It should help clear the FOG, which it sounds like you are in now.

Then regain your life.

In my state we have an Intentional Warm Line for peer support, which is the next best thing. You may want to see if you have something similar where you are.

Good luck, my friend.

I am not and was not married to mine but the current break up has me in as bad shape as any ever have.

And I've been incredibly afraid of him in the past year multiple times.  I was in therapy thru end of August but my 5 year old and my job take up a tremendous amount of time so its really hard to get into therapy but making another appt this week... . need to get my head to stop spinning from this latest round that has flat out knocked my on my ass and has me back to square one and missing him.  Missing the guy that has threatened to destroy my life so many times that I would shake while reading his texts.  Yeah, therapy needed... .  

Huggs PPride18, i know its hard... .

I was in T for a few short stints throughout my r/ s with the ex, court appointed usually after being assaulted by the pwBPD, I had no idea what BPD was back then, I thought it was purely a matter of DV, the stints were short, maybe 6 wks or so, the ex and I were ordered into NC, which we took no notice of bc we were so in love... .

I would start to feel a little better, I read a book called women who love to much, as I look back now, that book was the beginning of my questioning myself about me,why/ how did I get to such a place in my life where I was crying everyday, wearing jeans in summer to hide bruises... .

Of course after every incident we recycled back into the r/ s... about 6 mnths after reading that book I was trawling the internet for help with DV, and I found an article by shari shreiber, it hit me like a tonne of bricks and here I am... .

I too went through a terrible period of depression, I was angry, felt hurt and betrayed,I felt guilty for still loving and wanting a man who saw me as nothing more than an object, I couldnt concentrate and looked like arse.

Anyway, we broke up in August 2013, I have just started T, been to 2 sessions so far, it has really opened my eyes to my role in all of this, my FOO iasues, my lack of self confidence, my codependant tendancies, Im not going to lie, it hurts, its hard to examine things I thought were long buried, but it is also extremly helpful, ive had many aha! Moments, and have left my T feeling hopeful and wanting to go back... .

I know how hard it is to detatch pp, we all do, I think the most helpful thing in my recovery is simply time, best of luck friend

As in  Leon:  The  Professional.  that's the first thing I  thought when I  saw the subject line.

I agree with seekingbalance. A guide and a teacher. A trainer... That's a good way to look at it. Getting with a counsellor was very helpful for me in treating the symptoms of my PTSD. I was a little extreme and it was getting worse. I had to do something. I wasn't happy with the first one so I fired him after the third visit. Seemed to have a bit of emotional problems that I couldn't help him with. He actually seemed shocked by some of the stuff I told him. What turned me off the most was the fact that he wanted to put me on meds almost immediately without suggesting any real type of therapy first. He was just not for me. I ended up with a great counsellor who is certified in treatment of pd's. she treats borderline personality disorder. She understands the seriousness and we click. She taught me how to lessen the depression. The technique she uses is effective for me and I see myself getting better. Not stuff I ever wanted to know but what I need to. I highly recommend seeking professional help if you are suffering from depression, especially if it has been prolonged.

Perfidy... . how did you find one certified in treatment of PD's?  I've tried and feel like they all claim to have experience with them but have not felt like either I found did I click with.  And I can usually click with lots of people, but it's frustrating when they have significantly less experience with it and clearly understand way less of it... .    I made a new appt with my therapist who I was using all last year but while I do truly like her, I don't know, I don't totally click with her.  She doesn't get the true extent of the damage that I've gone thru and am going thru emotionally.  I think because I am able to articulate all of it so well, she seems to think I should be able to get over it and seems surprised when I'm not... .  

Do you have a PD?  If not, you don't need one certified in that... . CBT is good; somebody who deals with ptsd or codependency also will work.

IF you do have a PD - I would suggest DBT.

No, I don't have a PD... .   although I feel quite insane at the moment.  But my current therapist and I have discussed it at length as I felt pretty insane when I first started going to her.  Intense pain caused by these r/s seem to have that affect... .  

Therapy is deeply personal, if you don't click with one - don't be afraid to talk to a few, you do need to feel comfortable.

Take2... It's all related. Disorder is disorder no matter how you look at it. PTSD is disorder. The woman that counsels me is the head of a drug and alcohol program. She has held this position for thirty years. I ask her a lot of questions and she doesn't hesitate on her answers. She has a very clear mind and is well balanced. I found her by asking around. She is very well known in her field. One of the things about recovering from relationships is the brain is stimulated in the same regions as heroin and other drugs. This I did not know. Another fact is that drug addiction is often a symptom of personality disorder and the addictions are treated first, then the pd. she is certified in a few different types of therapy. The certifications are graded on levels. She told me that she is certified for level 6 DBT. She is certified for CBT. She told me about rational emotive therapy. She told me that much of the therapy is founded in Buddhist teaching. I am learning.

Take2, if you're not entirely clicking with your T after a year, it may be worth trying out somebody else too. I had a limited number of free visits with a T through my employer but also saw another T that a friend who was familiar with BPD suggested to me. When I ran out of free sessions with the T at my employer's, I was given a referral to a third T who I saw a couple of times.

I found it was worth it to see the different perspectives and approaches of the different T's. I learned something from each one but stuck with the one I felt the most comfortable with and felt was giving me the most tools to deal effectively with my issues.

Hi Pinyopride18,

I started seeing a therapist when my ex partner's behaviour toward me first shifted (she's undiagnosed) and I started to feel like I couldn't make sense of anything that was going on. I saw one therapist a few times, effectively for 'one-sided' relationship counselling, so I could be the best partner to her and we could work it out. His advice wasn't at all helpful, so I stopped seeing him. A few weeks after that I started seeing a new therapist around the time that I decided I couldn't accept my ex partner's behaviour and I would have to separate from her. I then saw that therapist weekly throughout what became an intensely painful and protracted break-up (it took about 2 months before I physically left our home).

I can't recommend it highly enough. Particularly because my ex partner's behaviour was so disordered, my very loving and supportive friends thought it was a cut and dry issue and that I should just 'get out of there'. There was a sense of 'why are we even still talking about this? case closed', you know? And I can totally understand that - when you explain these behaviours to someone outside your relationship, it's clear that it's a situation you shouldn't be in. Having a therapist to talk to meant that there was someone who would really help me look at my side of what was going on - why was I staying? why was I excusing these behaviours? etc. And she was an objective voice who could say, 'no, that behaviour is not normal. it is not reasonable for her to expect you to accept that' - whereas sometimes when my friends said that, I thought perhaps they were too biased in support of me. The therapist provided a level of objectivity about the situation that allowed me to keep the tiny shred of perspective that eventually allowed me to leave. She also had the skill to help me look at my side of things, and the clinical knowledge to assess (my descriptions of) my ex partner's behaviour and gently suggest to me that my partner may have BPD, and that may explain what was going on. The moment that I realised my ex partner's behaviours fit the diagnostic criteria for BPD very neatly was worth every cent i spent on seeing that therapist. Without that information, I was making myself crazy trying to understand her behaviour through a non-disordered lens - it never would have worked.

I've found that most people don't understand what I'm talking about - even now (I left 3 months ago), if I tell people little bits of why I left or what happened, they react with things like 'that's appalling! of course you left, good for you. you'll meet someone better', etc. It doesn't help at all, really, because that's not how I feel. How I feel is that I had to leave my love, my beautiful life partner who I had intended to be with indefinitely, because she is hurting really deeply on the inside and because of that, she behaves in ways that I just couldn't accept. But I love her, I care for her deeply and I wish I could help her or even just support her by being an active loving presence in her life - and I can't, because she is so, so angry at me for 'abandoning' her that she won't have anything to do with me. So i have no idea if she's ok, I can't reach her to love her or help  her, and it breaks my heart. And I'm trying to move on with my life while still, realistically, not wanting to let go of her. And it's hard. It's hard every single day. I can't tell most people that, but you can tell a therapist that. And having that heard, and acknowledged, face to face in real time, can be incredibly healing. I really can't recommend it enough.

I hope you find all the support and assistance you need, you're in a really tough time. 

Went to a P for a few months, a counselor and an outpatient mental health clinic is coming up.

She left February 2013 and I've been going through therapy/counselling to get me through divorce. The toughest thing I've gone through and incredibly difficult with an ex uBPD. I plan on doing it until the divorce is over and a little beyond. I put a profile up on a dating site a couple of times and decide to take them down twice. Self reflection and healing and it's really a drop in the bucket for time compared to the big picture.

The work I did with the P was great, probably because I really wanted her help.

I was seeing a therapist.

I saw one for the last ten years of my 20 year marriage.  It made things worse for me.  I know I just had the wrong one, and I believe that therapy is essential to deal with all of these issues. 

I would go and tell her my horror stories about my x and she just taught me to ignore him.  Eventually I could but I ignored everything that went on in the home and i became detached.  And he got more mad.  I could still hear everything but it just wasn't registering, then one day I couldn't breathe anymore. 

She should have taught me to stand up for myself.  She also would tell me that I could never leave because he would take all the money, and that made me more afraid of everything.  It was done all wrong and hurt me more and my children.

I see a good one now and things improve daily. 

Be very careful who you choose to help you, they could hurt you.