BPDFamily.com

I had court today for my temp RO to determine if it should be made perm -- this is against the father of my 3 children, UexBPDbf. The temp order denied him visitation, so I wasn't sure how that would work once it is perm.

At court, the judge took a statement from each of us and then just said that she'd take the information under advisement and would let us know the final decision via mail, but in the meantime, the temp order would remain in effect. I called my advising attn after the hearing and he says that is good news, because if the judge were planning on dropping the order she would do so at the time of the hearing. FX that he's right.

The judge also suggested that one of us should file for a parenting plan -- which I had on my list of to do's. But I don't understand how that works when there is an RO that restricts his access to me and the kids. I need to enlist an atty that is more immersed in family matters for better advice as the guy I generally use for other matters seems to be a bit overloaded lately and not always available.

My SO had a visitation plan built into her RO against her ex-.  It was all supervised at a local DV shelter.  Or was supposed to be, he was supposed to register and pay an admin. fee but he never did, so he didn't see his kids for the whole year long length of the order.  Come to think of it, he hasn't seen them since it expired 8 or 9 months ago either.

Anyway, perhaps your L can advise as to how to file for a parenting plan to be attached to the RO or otherwise let you know what the judge meant and what to do?

I think it might help if you would write down what you think would be the best long-term arrangement.

For example, you could start with regular weeks.  If the kids are school age, think about weeks when they are in school.  You could say, "All the kids with me during the school week, and with their father from noon Saturday to noon Sunday, with exchanges made at the McDonalds on Main Street." for example.

Then go to summer and say how you think that should be:  "Summer the same as the school year, except each parent should have the kids for 7 straight days some time during the summer, for a vacation.  Each parent can e-mail the other to name that period, at least 30 days in advance." or something like that.  As clear and specific as possible.

Then talk about holidays and other special days:  "Even-numbered years, kids with father from 9:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. on Easter, Fathers Day and Thanksgiving, and with Mother from 9:00 to 6:00 on July 4th, Mothers Day and Christmas.  Odd-numbered years, kids with father Fathers Day, July 4th and Christmas, and with Mother on Mothers Day, Easter and Thanksgiving."

Then talk about modifying the RO to allow for this schedule:  "Restraining order modified to allow for this schedule, but Father is still prevented from coming to Mother's home or place of work, or contacting her in any way except e-mail, or for any purpose other than cooperating on parenting issues."

A lawyer can help you more.  I'm just suggesting that you're at the point where you can say what you think would be best, and file that as a motion, and it can modify the RO, if that is needed to get to what you believe is best long-term.

Whichever parent puts forward a good, well-thought-out plan, is likely to be in the drivers seat.  The court may not adopt your proposal exactly but you will look like the responsible, balanced party.

The RO effectively blocks him from parent-child contact.  That's why it should include a parenting plan, blocking contact should be done with a purpose and not merely as a consequence of other actions.  I hope that makes sense.  So specify what you feel is appropriate.  If you want it supervised, mention with whom, family, just certain ones from his family or a professional/government agency to supervise.  Where would exchanges occur, at the doorsteps, from a car on the street, at daycare or school, at local police station or sheriff's office?  What about reasonable telephone contact, when and how often?  What is the holiday schedule?  What about vacations, will they be allowed, how short should they be and how far can he travel?

You can also get advice by posting at avvo.com for free - just in case you want to try that.

Remember holidays are whatever you consider a holiday. If you have special days you celebrate that is a holiday. Days off of school are holidays. Our kids have MLK day off every year, they have off for teacher inservice days, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter holidays are not just one day. You need to look at their school calendar to make sure you don't miss anything. The more detailed the better so as to minimize future conflict. The first schedule that was made up had all kinds of things missing and the majority of them led to some kind of disagreement.

Another thing I have come to realize is that no matter how structured the order is xBPDw will find ways to try to cause chaos. Example, last Easter holiday was for the boys to be with me on Easter Day. The week is split 50/50. Since it was not an even number of days (I had already figured this out and it was written in our order) the extra day switches from year to year. So if there are 7 days, one year it is 4/3 and the next year it is 3/4. Ex's proposed schedule had a lot of exchanges. Ex actually pointed it out and wanted to fix it. This went back and forth through email. I finally decided enough was enough and suggested that the boys be with her on Easter since it fell on her normal weekend and that next year it fell on my normal weekend. I offered to change that specific day so exchanges would be minimized which is what she wanted. She turned around and insisted her original schedule be the one we follow. The lesson I keep learning is negative engagement is still engagement.