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I think that I've come one realization as to why I have been having a difficult time through separation and divorce and it is my ego. I didn't feel emancipation and a sense of relief and wanting to go out and meet new woman etc... . from separation / divorce, I have found it to be an extremely difficult ordeal in my life.

It was my role as a husband / father, my place in the family unit as provider / protector that brought purpose and validity to my life. When that was taken away, I felt like it shattered my sense of self. I have the kids part of the time now and I find it extremely difficult when they are away.

I'm less than a month away until I can get divorced and I sense that there is going to be another level to this that I'm going to have to deal with. I'm also going to sense that it's a going to take sometime to adjust / accept my current role as a single father and the dynamics have changed.

I get it Mutt.  We all have identities, and the identity of husband/father/provider/protector is a noble and fulfilling one for a man; you at least get to be father/provider/protector for your kids when they are with you, and you will always be their father.

I'm also sorry your soon-to-be ex wife is borderline, making a happy home impossible.  There's an opportunity for you to reinvent yourself, and be grateful that you've mostly removed your ex from your life; for a family man a divorce is a big deal, even though she's been gone for a while, the finality of the divorce represents the official end of that union, and that may take some processing time once it's done.

And think about this: with the identity of family man being very important to you, the best thing you can do is structure your life as a single father such that you attract a healthy gal who wants to integrate into that, and then you can resume your role in a much happier way.  I'm in that place too, focusing on a happy future with someone much healthier, and taking steps every day to move in that direction.  We get what we focus on, and a gift of my relationship with my ex was that I got very clear on what I do want, motivated by pain, and after the detachment I got a sense of urgency to create it.

What do you want your future to look like?

I have given it much thought about what I want the future to look like. At one point I was thinking that I'm done w/ r/s with women because of my FOO issues / co-depency and falling into this rabbit hole. One of many lessons in grieving / detaching is that I became self-aware.

Having said that, saying that being done w / r/s is all or nothing thinking and it's confining myself to solitary confinement. I have the right to be happy and that would be a disservice to myself, and there's no need to punish myself. I have good qualities and I'll find someone again.

My short term goal is to focus solely on the kids, create a calm / comfortable home for them ( I got a really small place after she left) regain my footing financially. I want to find something to keep myself occupied for the week that I do not have the kids because I feel like it's a void, exercise as my doctor suggested to release endorphins.

In the long term, I want to be a family man again. I want to detach, work on my core issues and find someone that is loving and positive and has values that align with mine. I can get there, I can see that the future is positive, it's this current pre-divorce void without having the kids that I find hard, but I need to find something to occupy the mind.

Yes, exercise is good and the endorphin buzz after a good workout and shower is beneficial feel-good.

As we break up, grow, heal and detach from these relationships there's a whole lot of focusing on the past.  I've realized that and consciously focus on the future; I like to ride bicycles, and I've been going on long rides and setting a goal of focusing on the future for the entire ride.  Very meditative riding a bike, and when I mix that future-focus with endorphins, it puts me in a very positive forward-looking place.  Take care a you!

Worthiness is something most of us struggle with once a marriage ends - we tend to have a predefined set of criteria and when life looks different it can shake our very core.

Creating a new normal takes some time to establish and new routines which add value to our self worth will be created as well.  For me, I have a spiritual take on this that has helped, but I do think it is a deeply personal journey for what works for you.

Exercise, community, service, learning something new - these are all things to "Fill up" our tanks as we process the reality of the relationship end, FOO triggers and emotions.

You are digging deep Mutt - good stuff!

FOO triggers and emotions, that's good.

Art and creativity.

It's a hobby and talent that I have that I have left in the back-burner for a long-time. I love the creative process, there's nothing quite like it for me.

Thank you both.

hi Mutt, i think it's great that you have a sense of what is coming.  that 'sensing', that intuition, that self-knowing, is key.  remember all those red flags you probably ignored abt your ex?  you're not ignoring your inner voice anymore, Mutt!  a HUGE benefit is that you won't be blind-sided by it... . and you can minimize it's impact if/when it does occur.  good work!

reading your post i can really see the hard work, introspection, examination that you've been doing.  it's inspiring to me!

icu2

Thank you icu2 and thank you for sharing that perspective, I think your right