BPDFamily.com

hu guys,

I have read a lot about BPD ... . almost anything that is available in the net.

I am handling being "substituted" (I will not use the word replaced anymore)  and with help of T, i am learning to welcome acceptance on all of this. Working hard at this while feeling the loss of my "best friend" and the ego pain that comes with it.

1 month Post BU, i have noticed how she is working hard at making sure i know she has moved on, she tells everyone she is happy etc.etc. I know she is expert at giving the outside world the impression she is confident and happy, especially when things are bad inside her... .

a question that is haunting me a bit: Do they feel? if so, do they feel pain?  or are they too shut down to feel?

Congratulations in your healing so far growing_pains, the loss you are feeling right now is difficult and normal and it sounds like you have the right attitude to come through it 

The advice my T gave me if/when she reappears, is to remember the pain you felt at the very end, remember the feelings and emotions you have at this point right now.

In answer to your question, yes in a sense they do feel pain and feel it on a constant basis but quite different to us. Where we felt love and happiness during the relationship, they felt pain and fear. My exBPDgf would often talk about not being able to control her negative thoughts and feelings and how she couldn't supress them either to the point they manifested in anger. To them, getting too close means more of a chance of getting hurt or abandoned and that eats away at them.

At the end of the relationship, that is them running from their pain. My ex explained a couple of weeks ago that she just felt really numb inside and then instead of working through that, found a substitute. That feeling of intense euphoria you get at the start of a relationship is what they are looking for and what they perceive to be love. Sooner or later, that will diminish something will trigger and then there will be a decline.

They are really good at putting on a mask, to fool the outside world that everything is ok and they usually do that through mirroring. It's just survival to them, nothing more and nothing less.

I agree with Murbay... .

I do believe they feel pain but it is stored somewhere inside them while they flee to a place of relief, their new found euphoria,which is what they crave constantly

I gave up trying to make sense of someone trying to live in such a disordered life... . but they certainly aren't capable of thinking like you or i

I think the pain must be truly unbelievable for them... .

Not saying you should focus on the ex. And yes, they show poor empathy. But, truly they suffer like almost no other. It's their torment and thin skin that causes them to do so many crappy things. I read somewhere that BPD is like the human condition to a million degrees and I kind of agree to an extent. We all deflect blame, we all do crappy things, we all disassociate. It's just they are insanely delusional about reality from it all.

Agree with Superior, and I have to add they do feel. They feel so intensely it is painful to them.

I truly believe it is a living hell for them.

But it does not have to be that way for us and no matter what... .

we are NOT responsible for making them happy. Plus, it is impossible.

But you do need to focus on you and not the ex. It is hard, I know but critical in your detox from this. Keep reading on here, and if you are not in therapy please... . it is the best investment... . in you.

Marsha Linehan (if you are reading, she is the guru on DBT and she suffered from BPD, so she is truly the authority here)

She describes the emotional skin of a pwBPD like a 3rd degree sunburn... . meaning every single thing feels deeply to them.  Happiness is as intense as sadness - extreme ends of an emotional pendulum with little middle ground.

The things most folks on leaving vent about are actually the maladaptive coping behavior to these "sunburns".  Cheating, projection, rages - for a pwBPD, this is like putting aloe on a sunburn (not the greatest analogy, but you get the point).

So, as we heal - the best thing we can do for ourselves is to really understand our presence was the trigger and maybe even our communication style triggered - but we (our core) was not the issue; however, our "core" was likely attacked as a means of survival for them.

Rebuilding our own self at the core is a key to healing... . the silver lining.

Peace,

SB

all thank you so much for your perspective.

Prettywoman, i am in therapy and working on my own stuff. I am grateful to have this chance indeed, she was the biggest and clearest mirror i could ever have. therapy is going well and i have uncovered patterns acquired in childhood that governed my adult life. so yeah, therapy is definitely worth it, agree with you.

SB, very good explanation. At the moment i cant allow myself to feel empathy for her pain, if i do, i want to rush and "rescue" her again, be there for her, soothe the pain. I need to work indeed in my core self before i can feel empathy for her, it is the latter that kept me going enduring the rollercoaster... .   is good perspective tho. very good one thanks for sharing it.