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So I just bought a Valentine's Day gift for the person I am dating.

We met when my ex ceremoniously dumped me in May and ran off to her ex for a month.  The day we met it was pouring rain and she almost turned around (the new girl) and went home. My ex assaulted me and I almost called a friend to host the event.

The fact we both showed up has us thinking we were meant to meet each other.

After the event was rained out (baseball game) we stayed out for hours talking and quickly became friends. For the month my ex was gone we did all the things I had tickets for together. Ironically, my ex came back the day of the make-up baseball game and I was with the new girl.

I went back to my ex.

This person stuck around. She became friends with my social circle who immediately valued her more than my ex. After getting to know my friends, the new girl was pretty much instructed to wait because knowing the pattern with me and my ex I would eventually be single.

She was kind and not pressuring but she said she liked me tremendously and would wait.

She waited 8mo.

So now we are dating and there is a strong connection, but I cannot fully let go of this person who clearly does not love me. The new girls birthday was last week and I bought us each fitness trackers.  

Ironically, that was going to be my ex's Christmas present.

Today, I bought her Valentine's gift. It is a mens leather bracelet with latitude and longitude coordinates. I am going to let her figure out where that is at.

It is the ballpark where we met.

I am eternally a romantic. I love romance and surprising people. Sadly, as much as I should be happy, I wish I was doing this for someone else (the ex) and it makes me sad because this person treats me like gold and loves all the stuff about me my ex didn't.

I wish my mind was stronger than my heart. I am working very hard to move forward with my actions... . I wish my mind would follow... .

I'm not looking forward to it. I've told the guy I'm now seeing not to do anything special for it. I'd rather have other days as special and ignore the day exists altogether.

Valentines day was the day me and my BPDex got together. So it'd doubly painful.

So I guess I'm not really over him.

Try to look at it as "liberation day"

V-day is supposed to be about celebrating the deep connection with that special person in your life. While what we felt for them was special to us. We were just an attachment for them, we were just survival.

Is that what v-day is about?  Celebrating their life or death need, to be attached to fix all their problems and to be crutches up from their emotional baggage?

I don't want to celebrate being used. I'm glad this v-day I'm no longer in that position. It's liberation from it. To make my self a healthier person to find someone to share what v-day truly should mean between two emotionally healthy adults who share a deep intimate bond. Not a host parasite situation.