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After I walked out mid December, my ex immediately recycled a former replacement of mine. I figured, as they've already been through the cycle before (3 months start to finish), it will go round quicker this time! How long was anybody's guess but certainly quicker. That's when the contacting, fishing trips will start, recycle attempts etc.

If I'm honest I was worried I wouldn't be detached enough to weather it well, with strength.

I need not have worried. The recycled former replacement it seems, was merely used as a 'host' while she found a shiny brand new one!

So after me worrying about how far I'd be into recovery when the current recycle failed, she actually moved right on without so much as a hiccup towards me! I had expected I'd get 4-8 weeks.

But now, 7 weeks since I walked, she's worshiping the shiny new attachment. Perfect!

Based on her history (past predicting future), that buys me about an extra 3 months before I might start dealing with here trying to breach my walls!

I'm happy! I feel I can let my soldiers stand down & rest a while!  :)

They will continue to move on to a new source of attachment aslong as one is available. If they are attractive which my ex is/was. A new attachment will always be easy to find. They will only turn to past attachments when a new one isn't avail. The more failed attachments between us and where they are now will only mean they will try to recycle with one of them before trying with is. Assuming all those attempts fail they may eventually get back to us. I wouldn't say never but I don't plan on hearing from my ex for a long time. Hopefully you won't either, and by that point we will be fully healed and have no desire to ride that roller coaster or any other one again.

Moonie - do you have a strategy besides hoping she stays away and keeps attaching to someone else for your own healing?

Yes SB.

I'm reconnecting with friends & seeing more of people I became isolated from. Rebuilding my social circle (and loving it). I'm gigging even more after joining a 3rd band. As another hobby, I've taken up air brush art (early days on steep learning curve still) because I've always been artistic, and am qualified car body paint sprayer.

I'm reading a lot, like I always used to, wildlife topics mainly & ecology. Even considering doing a degree in ecology & changing my career path.

I'm spending time alone too which I wouldn't have ever done pre BPD relationship. I'm learning how I tick when there's only me there.

I'm going to a T once a week & we're working through FOO stuff, and two specific horrifying incidents from my young adult years.

All in all, I'm busy being Moonie & learning who he is.

"Host".  "Shinny new attachment".

Moonie, these are words of significant emotional attachment.

It's great that you feel safer - but are you?

You say you are happy that she is unavailable so that you won't be tempted to recycle again because you would really like too.

Step 2 ----------->

talks about getting past the surface emotions which are often ego covering emotions" and get down to the real stuff.

If you're too weak to resist her, then you still want her.  How happy can you really be that she is seeing someone new.  How sincere is that?  And I don't mean to us - I mean to you.

I know you don't want to touch those feelings of hurt and its safer to hold onto contempt. We all do that to some extent.  But be careful, man, don't go overboard with it,  we don't want to loose connection to our real emotions.  If you do, you'll be hollow and cynical and even more vulnerable in the end.

We all (and I include myself) have some emotional maturity issues.  We showed it in the relationship.  The challenge now is to step  the game and not do more of the same in the break-up.  

We need to change.

Stay balanced as best you can.  Slowly let the feelings in... . as much as you can take... . so you can grieve this and learn from it. Its natures way - these things hurt so we will learn and grow and not repeat.  In this way, its not much different than burning you hand in a campfire.

I'm sorry you're going through this.  You know its for the best - but the loss is real.  That's humbling and hard.

good stuff Moonie

How about trying this on for size because you have been here a while and you are progressing - when you want to focus on what she is doing, try focusing on letting it go - honestly, monitoring her dating patterns even when it starts out as a survival strategy can keep us hooked and attached unconsciously.  Are you past basic survival now?

cross-posted w/skip

I love airbrush art

Get going

Skip,

At times I'm strong & feeling optimistic & together. Other times I'm conscious that I'm feeling considerably weaker, vulnerable. I forgive myself for feeling the weak moments because I'm aware that I'm still detaching, and not finished yet. As time goes by I do feel the weak moments are less intense, and just recently starting to be less often too.

Yes at times I'm not happy that she's with someone else. But those times are lessening. I do genuinely feel it is a positive in my detachment, that she is occupied elsewhere. It affords me the time I need, without the added emotional spikes of hearing from her. I see her involvement with a new guy as, upsetting to a degree, but a reality I must face. And while I face it I'm being gifted uninterrupted healing time.

Am I making any sense, or contradicting myself?

I understand the reasoning.  Logical.  And, you are contradicting yourself, too.

This may be too frank and too fasr, but trust that it is from someone who wants the best for you and that there are no alternate agendas.

This is what I think I see.  You're demonizing her (all SO here, actually) to break away from her.  Your also marginalizing all the courters. Hers, everyones. You are bonding with others in the same mindset.  All of this safely takes the spot light away from you.

It's a classic house of cards.  Some men come here and do this and they are often the ones that go right back or find another emotionally immature relationship.  The cards all fall again.

Here's why.  All these SOs are not monsters.  All the courters are not losers.  And we are not all victims of a con.  And even to the staunchest believers, sooner or later that becomes apparent... . often after the next multi-year relationship falls and we are facing a double whammy of reality and pain (from both fails).

I hate to see you or anyone go there.

I'd dial down the rhetoric and focus more on the clinical aspects of the disorder than the sensationalism sold by some of the Internet life coach sites - they're trying to earn a living - not heal anyone.

For example, this quote was a stunner for me.  And every day that I think about it with respect to myself or many members here, I am blown away with its accuracy and simplicity.  

An individual’s overall life functioning is linked closely to his level of emotional maturity or differentiation. People select ... .   partners who have the same level of emotional maturity. Emotional immaturity manifests in unrealistic needs and expectations. ~ Murray Bowen, M.D



The theory was developed by Murray Bowen, M.D. in the late 1940’s and early 1950’s, when he was a psychiatrist at the Menninger Clinic. After his time at Menninger’s, he moved to the National Institute of Mental Health, to Georgetown University Medical Center and finally established the Georgetown Family Center in Washington, D.

Bowen is superstar in psychology - his work is considered by thr experts to be some of the very best of all time.

I don't have a dysfunctional PD, but there are clearly things I didn't get.  My EQ needed some significant improvement.  

I can spot high EQ and low EQ a mile away. So can you.  When confronted with decisions, it might help to ask - how would the most emotionally mature man (or member) that I know approach this situation.

Step up the game.

Food for thought.

Damn, that's good Skip.

Uh, oh.  I think this means I have to grow up.  Darn!

Emotional immaturity manifests in unrealistic needs and expectations. \

I can make a list of these for my ex... . and for me.  It has been work for me to see the "facts" of her, me and our relationship.  This has been the key for me... . to think and reflect on what happened, the whole thing, and then to feel it... . so much insight and change follows this simple process.

But, growing up?  Was going to make a joke, but after what I went through in this last relationship, it isn't funny any more!

I have an idea now why the sick relationship actually failed. I was more mature. She was seeking her level. I won't revert to an emotional infant for many years.

Your post gave me food for thought Skip.

Stung a bit in places! But all of us here know, that the truth tends to do that.




Thank you,  Moonie

what SB wrote is what my T said. Focus on letting her go... .

hard to do at times, but that is my focus right now. Try that alongside your wonderful activities.

I am glad you are doing all that Moonie, re-building your social circle etc. I am in teh same... i like it, but the emptiness feeling does not go away by getting busy in my case. I just let my emotions go... if i need to cry i do (i dont see that as a sign of weakness anymore, as i try to practise self compassion... )