BPDFamily.com

UBPDh is under pressure to pay off some of our debts (mainly his), so we needed to increase our income. One of the ways to do that is through my job. When it was suggested over the summer, I knew what would likely happen. I would start working and bringing in money that would be spent by dh on non-essentials. At the beginning of December, I told him that we needed to plan to pay one of my payments with the money that I was earning that month. I was working a lot of hours over Christmastime, so I wasn't at home as much. Well, dh spent almost all of the money on a gift for me (that couldn't be returned) and fast food/quick dinners.

This month we were not able to pay my bill until after its due date. So, he says, "well, you just need to work more" (I have just been laid off). Until yesterday, I was able to keep my thoughts about the situation to myself. I had expressed frustration about not being able to make the payment that I had earned the money for, but I didn't really expand on my further thoughts about our situation.

Over the past couple of days, dh has been upset/angry/frustrated because he feels like he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. The pressure to pay off our debt means that his two favorite ways to deal with stress are no longer available -- either he quits his job because it has changed or he spends money. On Monday, he came close to being in an automobile accident, which sent his imagination into overdrive with potential scenarios, all of which he believes would mean we would have large expenses without the ability to pay for them. Then he came up with the alternative, and said, "or you could just earn more money." I said, "I'm not so sure that's going to help because we end up spending everything I make." (I was very careful to say 'we', not 'you'. The reality is that I have now have a gift card for a store in close to 50% of what I earned last month; it is in my wallet. He spent the money on the gift which was 6 times what we had budgeted.

Then he went out to do the grocery shopping, and he bought me some chocolate.

One of our challenges is that talking about money and finances is very difficult for him because he feels incompetent and irresponsible in that area. So, when we talk about it, he 'hears' that he is incompetent and irresponsible and becomes defensive. He blames his lack of steady long-term employment on a 'volatile industry' (by which he means that his job changed and he was unwilling to change with it) and 'life circumstances'. I suppose, admitting ownership would be admitting responsibility (and irresponsibility), but until he can do that, we are going to be stuck.

I have recently escalated my program to quietly seize control of all finances, to prevent uBPDw from ruining us further with impulse buys.

My tactic has been to make a spreadsheet with simple budget formula:

Paycheck subtract Bills = XXX, then XXX subtract Purchases = XX or X... .

... . and then I talk about it EVERY DAY. So it's a current thing, always knowing that today there is 0.XX left.

Stage 2 is cutting up the credit card, coming soon... .


So anyway I recommend a Serious Budget plus Keeping BPD Informed.

We have been doing a Serious Budget for at least 6 months now -- complete with spreadsheets and debt totals. He looks at it everyday; it is always up on his computer. It just seems like he has a problem making the connection between current purchases (based on how he might feel that day) and future financial problems.

This morning, he was asking if we could spend a night in a hotel this weekend.