BPDFamily.com

Two years ago this forum was so helpful to me, as a lifelong long distance friend decided to cut me out of her life and gave the silent treatment, due to her misconceptions about an event (totally irrational in anyone else's judgment). We worked through that time, and even vacationed together for several days. We continued with ongoing phone and text conversations, until the other day. It was my birthday, and she sent an e mail saying she would call me later I asked to call on a house number, since the cell was in for repair; she blasted me because she "did not know the cell was not functioning" and "did not know I was not feeling better yet" (have been recovering from an extensive illness/surgery). I had left her two messages on her phone regarding update on my condition, as well as asking her to call my other number. She sent an e mail saying "I do not want to talk. Silence is golden. We are different, not bad, just different, since I didn't know about your phone or back that's different, and I have changed,so I'm looking at us another way". I tried again to call her, expressed my love for her, and that I hoped we could talk, and three days later no return call - she often gives people in her life the silent treatment when she deems they have wronged or hurt her. I have known her for most of my life, and realize she has an issue, but have chosen to try to maintain the good in the friendship... . should I reach out again, or let this ride. Please help me, I am a heartfelt person who always feels like I should give people a chance, especially when they are suffering from an ailment such as this. I truly appreciate your guidance and experience... . it seems this is cycling again from years ago... .

Hi, sorry there hasn't been any response so far. I don't have an answer for you but can say I'm in a similar situation with a friend of over 20 years. There are phases where communication works well, and then situations just like you described that leave my head spinning. Usually I wait a while, then send a message asking how he is, etc. Sometimes he answers, mostly he doesn't. Eventually, he will get back in touch, though, often many months later (at least), and does not want to talk about it and goes on as though nothing has ever happened.

I wish I knew how to deal with this better. The long silences leave me feeling saddened and helpless. Once contact is reestablished, I am just relieved and let it go.

Her last e mail contact was a "this has gotten too difficult for me. You don't share things so I don't either what kind of friendship is that" (this is after I sent a loving set message validating her feelings as important and professing my love for her as a lifelong friend... she will not return or pick up my phone calls and I fear engaging in an email bait or battle... . two weeks ago she was professing love and planning a trip to meet together (we have been long distance friends/plane ride away for several years). Ironically I did reach out to her several times, as I was recovering from a painful and life altering surgery - interesting that she chosemthismtime to cut me out of her life and not answer any calls... . do you think because it wasn't about her and her needs, but that I actually needed some support... she also was never emotionallymavailablemduringnother tragic times (suicide in  family, terminal illness of relative)... . any insights appreciated I am thinking the NC mat be the best way since she does ot seem capable of empathy or wanting a real, loving friendship and is able to turn off decades of a relationship through an E MAIL! Is that "normal" at all? Thanks for any insight... .

I wish I had an answer for you…

I had a similar conversation about "not sharing things". I feel I have been very honest and open about my life and would answer any question asked, but my friend still accuses me of hiding things. I just don't know what.

Maybe your friend has romantic feelings for you, is afraid to admit it and is waiting for you to tell her the same? Maybe that is what she is referring to?

I've had NC with my friend for about a month. I wish this were not the case. He asked me to leave him alone though, and I told him I would do so, and will wait for him to contact me. I'm just not sure that's going to happen.

I think you need to ask yourself how you'd be responding if you didn't think (or know?) she has BPD or how you would like someone to respond if you had sent them that message.  It is sad when long lasting friendships change or end and it is apparent that you value friendship and care about her, but sometimes long friendships especially where there is distance involved can ebb and flow. You sound like you have had a lot to deal with, but for whatever reasons, she does not see your relationship the same way and can't reciprocate the level of friendship/support that you do.  It is sad and I hope you can work it out one way or another.