BPDFamily.com

My staff retreat is coming up on Friday. I have repeatedly talked to him about it. Tonight he said let's go to your parents this weekend. I said... . honey what is this weekend? He swears he doesn't remember a thing about it and I never told him.

To add wonderful salt to it it is a mandatory staff retreat. We leave Friday morning at 9am and return Saturday about 2pm. Of course he says if I go then our marriage is over and it's up to me.

I asked him what he thinks I am going to do. He said it didn't matter what I did or didn't do it's what I had the opportunity to do.

I have to go to this retreat and frankly I want to go. I need a break.

Will someone please walk me through the steps of how to handle this right. It's a very pivotal event in the boundary setting.

Just to share my own experience, I have not gone to my company events for the same reasons.

I decided not to go, but it did not make me feel good about it. But if you choose not to, don't bring it up later because he will likely say that it was your own decision and he never forced you to choose it. If you do go, guess you should let him know the reasons why it's important, and let him tell you why he is against it or not. The underlying reason is likely the fear of abandonment kicking in. If you choose to enforce this boundary then my suggestion is to do it from the start, follow through with it and prepare mentally for the follow up events. From my experience, they will expect this behavior as norm and changing it in future may trigger outbursts.

He's still going on about how he doesn't trust me and I have no idea what the repercussions of me going will be. I feel like if I give into him and stay home then I will just be rewarding his controlling behavior. On the flip side I know it is going to be a huge battle.

But it was ok for him to disappear last night all night and not tell me where he was. yes that was just fine. 

Do I stay... . Do I go?

He just called and once again said if I go it's over. He will be gone when I get back. Will SOMEONE please tell me what to do here!

Go.   

You have to be, above all, respectful to yourself.

He will be there when you get back, for sure.

How about something like this (roughly SET format):  "Our marriage is so important to me, and I care deeply how you feel about these things.  It sounds like you are upset at the prospect of me going to the work retreat, and I can see how anyone would feel upset if they perceived they were being abandoned.  At the same time, this is a REQUIRED event and I need to keep my job, so I'll be attending the retreat and returning by 3 PM on Saturday - and I'll be sure to text you updates during our breaks so that you know I'm okay."

Then when his response turns abusive: "This conversation has turned in a direction that is hurting our relationship, which I don't want to do, so I'm going to take a break until things are calmer - we can discuss this later if you want, just let me know.  I'll be back in an hour." Then head out the door, hang up the phone, etc.

Thats a great response.