BPDFamily.com

So the last text that I received from my dBPDxgf was how I "hurt" her by saying that she was 'helpless'.  The story behind that exchange is not important but this list that I started to work on today is.  It is a list of the things that she did to hurt me and I will refer back to it every time that I have an urge to contact her in any way.  See if any of these are things that you can relate to.  Some are quite personal, but I think that sharing this will not only help me but may help others.  Add to the list with some of your personal items if you wish; I'm sure that I may discover that I missed a few dozen or so... .

I was hurt when... .

... . you betrayed my loyalty to you and the trust that I had in you.

... . you said for the very first time that my performance during sex wasn't up to par.

... . you said that you shouldn't be held accountable for what you did or said those first few months of dating because of the "drug you were on" that the guy that I replaced had apparently forced you to take against your will.

... . you said that I didn't know how to speak properly to you because my tone was too calm when trying to have a rational discussion with you.

... . you suggested out of the blue that we shouldn't live together so that we could "date" after we had been living together for over a year at that point.

... . you pushed me out of the bedroom because I snore or the fan bothered you.

... . you "moved" me to the 2nd bedroom to bunk with my son because we couldn't stay in the same room; pushing me away further and further from you.

... . you resented the time that I spent with my sons.

... . you chose not to partake in any activities that weren't ones that you liked.

... . you chose to walk out on jobs which caused us more financial troubles.

... . you constantly pushed me away in all aspects if your emotional needs weren't being met.

... . you always pointed out all of my "flaws" and never took responsibility for any of your actions.

... . you chose to not have me live with you any more because the house was "too crowded" instead of renewing our current lease with me on it in order to have more time to find a larger place. (The final push away).

... . you walked out on our relationship with total disregard for how it would affect both of our lives.

... . you would seek out past relationships to see if you could rekindle something; even as we had just started dating.

... . you used MY car and MY money that I had given you to look for a job and to also look for these old boyfriends.

... . you took no time to grieve us and instead continued to get hot and heavy with my "replacement".

... . you gave false hope that you might be coming back to me in order to keep me as your "backup plan".

... . you lied about wanting to go back to therapy and led me to believe that you would be doing that.

... . you cut off all intercourse with me and blamed it on UTC's, lack of desire, etc., and not the secret that you were keeping.

... . you had sex with me after having had it with someone else, unbeknownst to me at the time.

... . you tell me that you love me and then promptly cut off all contact - the "silent treatment".

... . you asked for 6 months to "heal" alone and "fix" yet run right back to your new relationship.

... . you blocked me on facebook for the very first time to hide from me your online activities.

... . you kept me blocked on facebook even after we had gotten back together to further hide your activities.

... . you expected me to place my own children 2nd to you.

... . you let me know during a walk in which we were holding hands that one of the reasons that you can't come back to me is because my replacement is taking you on a cruise in April.

... . you painted me "black" in order to begin to separate emotionally, making being around you so difficult.

... . you failed to see the importance of bringing up the issue of BPD and what you had learned about yourself from the years prior to us even meeting.

... . you failed to fight for the love that you said that you had for me and for us.

(Because just walking out on a 3+ year relationship, CHEATING and lying to cover it up isn't enough, right?)

Now, tell me what it was that I *said* to you that hurt YOU so much? Perhaps it hurt so much because of the guilt that you felt for hurting me and then having to hear about it.

Hello In_n_Out:

I understand exactly how you feel. While I admit that my ex didn't do all this, she did do a lot of what you had mentioned. I can imagine just how hurt you must be feeling. My ex just left me for the fourth time, because in her words " it just didn't feel the same as previous times, and she felt as if I was controlling her life. Keep your head up. I know its easier to say to someone than to do it ourselves, but I know that we are going to make it through... .

MGL

Thanks mgl.  Going on my 4th day of NC.  Her birthday was on the 26th and after her having just showed up at my door two nights prior saying that "I was right and she's going to take the time to go back to a T and resume the CBT's" I was hopeful for that false miracle.  So silly me wastes the time, money and effort to send a bouquet of flowers to her to wish her a happy birthday.  That was met without any acknowledgment and I also find out that she instead intensified her r/s with my replacement.  That led to the outburst of texts that landed me on the "black ___ list".  So, in fighting the urge to contact her to apologize for MY outburst (conceding), I instead started typing away the list that I presented here tonight as a reminder of just WHY contacting her would not be in my best interests (put very kindly).

My ex and I --a History

I dumped her the first time bc I thought she was too bossy and too controlling ... . Its hard to explain... just felt as if she was taking advantage of me

Second time- She and I brokeup, because she slipped and self harmed and then had me falsely arrested

Third time- because I couldn't face up to my mom and tell her about her

Fourth time- In her words " I lost the engagement ring" and I was soo scared of what you would say

Fifth time(most current)- In her words again " I just feel as if the magic isn't as strong as it was before." " I will talk to you later"

Do you think there will be more times of her coming into my life again? i think so

I was hurt when... .

... . you betrayed my loyalty to you and the trust that I had in you.

... . Said her performance wasn't up to par because it had been that long  red-flag

... . you said that I didn't know how to speak properly to you because my tone was too calm when trying to have a rational discussion with you.

... . you resented the time that I spent with my daughter. Would text me with a crisis when she knew I was out with my daughter. I would offer to go round after, only to be told not to bother.

... . you chose to walk out on jobs.

... . you chose to not have me live with you because the house was "too crowded" wanted to move together but would not go looking at houses.

... . you walked out on our relationship with total disregard for how it would affect both of our lives or that of the children.

... . Highly critical because I had daughters mother as a friend on Facebook but had a long line of exes on her own. They would be blocked and unblocked when suited.

... . Highly critical that me and my daughters mother could behave like adults. Convinced there was something going on despite the fact she is in a stable 7 year relationship and all communication is transparent. I'm even friends with her bf because we share a common interest in our daughter. Felt judged by your own standards.

... . you took no time to grieve us and instead continued to get hot and heavy with my "replacement".

... . Ran away the second you found out I may have a life threatening illness.

... . you gave false hope that you might be coming back to me in order to keep me as your "backup plan". Used the words "Friends for now until I have had some time on my own to clear my head"

... . you cut off all intercourse with me and blamed it on medication, and not the secret that you were keeping.

... . you tell me that you love me and then promptly cut off all contact - the "silent treatment".

... . you asked for alone time to clear head and then jump into new relationship within the week.

... . you blocked me on facebook several times to hide from me your online activities forgetting we have mutual friends who were just as confused.

... . you expected me to place my own children 2nd to you.

... . you thought a BPD diagnosis and meds were enough of a cure.

... . you failed to fight for the love that you said that you had for me and for us.

... . Constant hint dropping about marriage more after sister got engaged, yet pushed away when I said that we should work towards stability before making doing that.

... . Accused me of many things I hadn't done but now I realise it's because you did them instead.

... . Ran from every other relationship you had ever been in. Confused me when you painted everybody black, more confused when you told me an ex turned up at a bar and poured a drink over you for no reason. Maybe he felt cheated too and just wanted answers. Maybe he caught you with his replacement.

... . Listening to your son on the first night I met him telling you not to screw this relationship up like all the others.

... . Telling me you had been single for 5 years, only to find out it was a different guy every 6 months then telling me anything 6 months or less doesn't count as a relationship.

... . Raging at me for taking a night out to myself after getting bad news because that's what partners do, after spending the last week giving me silent treatment, not answering text messages or the door and doing your own thing after getting bad news.

... . Telling me your ex called you a whore but you didn't know why.

... . Being critical me for only being out of a relationship for 18 months before we got together when you jump between them within a week.

... . Blaming a certain drug crisis on your son when you got caught out and almost lost the house. Would rather have had him go to jail than admit fault, despite his innocence. Called me to come over and then dropped the crisis on me and your son to sort out. Against my better judgement, I did it so the kids didn't suffer. Consoled your daughter as she sat weeping whilst you blamed everyone you could think of for "grassing you up" turned out all the people you thought it was were innocent.

... . Drink driving after a fight despite the offer of a taxi. Said it would be better for everyone if you ended up dead but had no thought to ruining someone elses life.

... . Driving around with no insurance and a cracked windscreen. I sorted the windscreen on the promise you would sort the insurance but you never did. No consideration for what happens to other drivers if you are involved in an accident. Very selfish.

The list is endless but very therapeutic In_n_Out  |iiii

I'm glad that it was of some help for you Murbay.  Yeah, the list can grow to be endless but that's ok, I'll just keep adding to it as things come up and if I'm not thinking about her at all, the list can sit quietly for when she does begin to fill my head again.