BPDFamily.com

hi guys,

Although i know i need to concentrate in me, and my emotions, i wanted to post a question to you all of the recent events.

I knew this was going to happen, and i am actually reacting (so far) better than i thought i would. Common friends are starting to avoid me, or not talking to me. I assume is due to her telling them "something". I have not spoken badly about her at all, not a word to the world.

I also assume ,folks here have experienced this too. What have you done? let go of those friends is what comes to my head... do you fight for those friends? or let them go?

thanks

G_W

Yes this happened to me (with some, not all).

I left those people to exercise their right to think/believe what they wanted.

With a time, most came around again, almost all apologised & I accepted the apologies with grace.


Ever heard the saying?

"What other people think of you is none of your business. What you think of them, is none of theirs!"

HI Moonie, thanks, i like above. indeed, what they think of me, is none of my business anymore. :) |iiii

Yes and my expierience was similiar to moonies.  many of them don't know what to ghink so they are backing off. 

Oh yes... some tall tales were told. Was supposed to go on a trip to the lake with my pwBPD and a few of her friends. The friends backed out saying they wouldn't go "with someone like that"... . referring to me. I know I bought her a house full of furniture, took her to the Caribbean, got a divorce for her... . guess that is what they meant?  Anyway, when mad she would make up horrible stories and tell everyone we knew lies. I tried to keep her from the people I worked with, she met a few and worried me for sometime.

Being painted black happens. She also dominated every second of my time for about 4 yrs... and quite a few people got tired of it... so lost some friends that way.

I had to let go for my own sanity - and I cried over it... . one person I used to call my big sis - we had known each other 20+ years. When she invited me, ex(after she wiped out the accounts) and new one (group friend) to one of the kids' bday parties and I was offended told her - she said, people do this all the time in our group and she doesn't judge or pick sides... . it was a huge reality check.  I didn't go.  I didn't go to the Thanksgiving or Easter as we had done those past several years' either - this loss was hard on me, but necessary for my own sanity.

The friend thing led me into looking at my patterns and who I choose as friends.  Being gay, I settled on friends who were the "same" and "accepted" me rather than truly healthy people. I was never a fan of, "this is just what lesbians do"  (u-haul, stay bff after a breakup, etc).

Today, I have healthier friends - gay and straight - but healthy values trump simply being "gay" for me... . this is probably a much bigger topic in another thread actually.

Some friends I let fade, but run into randomly and it is fine - superficial, but fine - I can do superficial and not feel like I am lying.

No right or wrong - just pay attention to your own feelings and your own values and act accordingly for your best interest is my 2 cents.

i'm not one for flinging judgement too much, but "people do this all the time in our group" is a sorry excuse for countenancing vicious behavior (and draining the account is vicious behavior by itself, whatever else was involved).

as for me, we didn't have too many common friends, but we did have some, and she had prepped them and not one contacted me. that's part of the horror i've lived with, that it was quite planned.

People will show you who they are if you let them - it is up to me to choose whether to set myself up for hurt. 

The truth was, people in that friend group did breakup and stay friends - I didn't understand it, but it didn't effect me directly, so I never really thought about it.

Many people accept subpar friends without even realizing it.  Especially when you just want to be accepted for who you are... .

Recently a couple of people we have in common (my friends she latched onto) have told me she's saying bad things about me on Facebook. Portraying herself as victim. It hurt to hear but it wasn't unexpected. They both told me they sympathize with me, know I cared for her, and were sorry for what I'm going through. It hasn't made them want to get to know her any better. But my friends and I got closer.

This exact same thing happened to me!

And when struggling to deal with the hurt someone has caused us, realising we've smart, empathic, caring friends, is a welcome injection of reality, that there are many great people out there!

Thanks for opening this topic!  I am struggeling at the moment with friends that back off,  and a good friend that is forming a close relationship with my ex, now the relationship is over. Altough she is the only one that wittnessed everything that happend during the r/s, and had a clear opninion about it, is now saying that she doesnt want to pick sides, and is suddenly my ex"s friend too.

So i feel like I have to let go of our friendship, and it hurts and angers me.

I cant understand her lack of support, it comes somewhat as a shock to me.

I get invited to BPDartys, but my ex gets also invited to most of the same partys, I dont want to be near him, so i dont go to those party"s. It is increasing my isolation.

These situations make me feel very powerless and frustrated. It feels like i am the one that has to back off most of the time, out of selfprotection. sometimes I wonder if im not to passive in this situation, and should just go to the party to see what would happen.

My ex doesn't have any friends. She's up her family's rear because they're the only ones that can stand her, but they only put with her because they're family.

Yeah, I hated feeling like that especially when I felt like I needed the support.

The thing is, the people who did end up as friends - the loyal ones who didn't need to pick sides, simply saw the situation and gravitated to their values - are amazing and I probably would not have the level of depth in those relationships if I didn't have this happen.

You really won't feel this way forever - I know it hurts in the moment though 

Well, I guess this thread really doesn't resonate with you then - it isn't a thread bashing our exes - it is about friends... . I am sorry you are still so hurt Santa - honestly, I do hope you can channel some of that anger.

The thread title is "common friends" meaning friends of both the BPD and the non. I commented that my BPD ex doesn't have any friends. How is that not relevant?