BPDFamily.com

I love my wife more than anything in the world.  I would do anything for her even if it is against my better judgment.  She has BPD and alot goes against my better judgment.  I have been physically and mentally and emotionally abused.  I have been in therapy, my wife has been in therapy, and things are still horrible.

Each day I never know what will set her off.  I really am trying.  She keeps saying it is me, that I am controlling.  I have no friends, she hates my family and i avoid them (maybe my mom is BPD), she hates my job because it requires long hours.  I make decent money ($80k or so) and am the sole income.  She does some house cleaning a couple of times a week, but she also spends a ton of money.  I have nothing.  She hates the house I bought and says a new one will make her happy, she hates the car I bought her, and everything I do.  Then other times she says I am the greatest person ever.  Our debt is crushing cause she wanting to remodel home claiming it was not good enough.  I want to make things better, but I cannot afford to.  I am extremely frugal on myself and willing to miss meals to save money for us.  I just cannot do it alone. 

She just finished college.  She was an english major, but she prefered art so my mother and I encouraged her to do what she liked even though i knew it would be hard to get a job.  Now that she graduated she hates my mother for missing her last major show and claims its a dead end degree and its my fault.  That we are stuck in this life of misery and she wants to die, but does not plan on killing herself at the moment.  She has tried in the past and I had to get her to hospital.  I do not care about the past that we have gone through and she had done to me.  In the past there were some aweful things but she never actually hated me like she does now. 

The anger at me is so extreme.  She accidentally got pregnant at a time when our marriage was really on the rocks.  I didnt know if she would stay with me.  I said I would support anything she decided, but going on with pregnancy under circumstances I would not recommend, but I will love her and the baby no matter what.  She took that as me saying she was an unfit mother and not good enough...

She blames me for it.  I have ruined her life, she has nothing.  I have to watch her each day sink deeper into depression over the life she does not have that I thought and promised I could provide.  She says I have not protected her, I have not shown enough love, but I really do try.  I really do.  I have given up all hobbies and everything to try and be what she wants.  I know I never will be that

The options are staying and she possibly leaving and watching her slowly basically die.  Trying to keep kids and job while doing this and being blamed by her for it all.  She says I do not know what real pain is.  I feel that her pain she puts on me and I feel it on top of my own pain that I cannot share.  The other option is to leave and feel guilt and lost love over abandoning her and losing her.  I do not want to live with that.

I do not want to live period.  It is selfish...   I know.  I used to not understand suicide and thought it was selfish, but I understand pain now and why people do it.  I would rather live in my nightmares than in my daily life.  She doesnt sleep and keeps me up and rages on me so not like that works well.  I know I should be strong, but I just cant do it.  I know I should seperate what she is going through from reality, but I do not know.  I cannot.

If I could die from an accident, she would have some life insurance and some to start a new life at least for a couple of years, but I wouldnt have to suffer this anymore.

I want to die so badly.  She wants to die, but I actually think of doing it every single day, multiple times a day to stop the pain and guilt I feel over seeing her.  I love her and her kids so much.  there is nothing I can do.  Maybe I am only making things worse.

Why cant I just kill myself?

hurthusband,

Life can be so hard sometimes and it feels like you can't do anything right.  I'm so sorry you're feeling this way right now.  Have you been in counseling?  You have so much to deal with and I can imagine how overwhelming it can be.  This feeling will pass. 

It's good that you are posting here and reaching out for help! 

Hi Hurthusband

and welcome here also from my side.

I am really sorry what you have to go through. All this is so tough and hurting!

We care about you, we really do. 

How long are you married?

Please stay tuned, Hurthusband!

 *welcome*

It is crucial that you recognize that your pain, anxiety and virtual hopelessness is situational.  By that I mean that if you were not in this situation, this marriage to a misbehaving and even abusive spouse, then you would not feel as you do.  This is important to recognize.  What you need to do is determine the various ways to improve your life, regardless how much (or how little) she improves herself.  Some or all of these methods, strategies or options - some of which you have already done or are in the process of doing - can turn your life around:

• Support - Seek support from (1) trusted family and friends, (2) professionals such as counselors or therapists and (3) meaningful peer support such as here.



• Communication - Gain insight and skills here for more effective and hopefully less triggering communication with your spouse.



• Coping - Gain insight and skills here for more effective coping with your spouse's behaviors.



• Boundaries - Gain insight and skills here for more effective and stronger boundaries with your spouse.



• Legal Options - Seek legal options from a family law attorney, it's possible that if your spouse does not improve behaviors then divorce may be your option of last resort.

If you have a child then most certainly dying, even accidentally, is definitely not an option.  You may feel that way but we know you won't let that happen.  Why?  Your child needs YOU!  In the years to come who will provide an example for your child to contrast with your spouse's example if you're not here?  Who will provide stability, calm and support for your child if you're not here?  Who will truly show healthy love for your child if you're not here?

Edit:  So you do or don't have a child with her?

If her children are not yours and you haven't legally adopted them, then in the law's eyes you have no official connect or obligation with them.  When you divorce you can try to keep some connection with the children to help them as the innocents but it would have to be outside the obligations of family court.

I wrote "when you divorce" since the current situation is intolerable based on what you've written thus far, it sounds like she's resisting any improvement or the application of any therapy.  Remember the old parable, you can drag a horse to water but you can't force it to drink.  If she continues to refuse to improve her thinking, perceptions and behaviors - time will tell - then you have no other choice but to choose another path besides marriage to her, for your mental, emotional and physical health.  If she won't change significantly to a reasonably normal range of behaviors, then you have to change your circumstances.

Meanwhile, protect yourself, okay?  We have a Family Law (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0) board here too, since you could be facing a divorce sooner rather than later, it would be wise to browse that board too.

We have been together for 11 years.  Married 3.  we have been to counseling, but she feels that counselor and i are teaming up on her.  She still sees a psychologist who she complains about.  I see a psychiatrist, but its hard to accept i do not play in a larger role in messing up my wife's life.  It is hard not to believe what she says and seperate things.  Maybe cause its so out of my control and that means that I have to just sit and witness it.

I cannot think of anything beneficial to myself from staying with her cept she is the love of my life and I love her kids.  I cannot explain why, but I do love her.  I would do anything for her.  I obviously entered in with co-dependent issues, and now things are to a point of hopelessness on both ends.  I cannot be happy without her happy and she cannot be happy, and even the things she says would make her happy, such as new house, new car, new everything, I cannot provide.  Certainly not just a single income while she is going to DBT sessions and insurance etc.  She takes stimulants for ADD and those come out to $800 a month AFTER insurance.  Never mind that therapy isnt covered.  I am spending $28k a year on health alone.  

I think about having myself commited to be protected from her yelling and abuse, but then no income and kids and her need that.  I feel hopeless.  I want to stop feeling guilty and her telling me its my fault we are failing and her life is miserable.  Even if I leave it will still be in my head, and most likely she will still find me and keep reminding me.  Its not fair to the kids neither.  

as far as the feeling being transient.  I have felt this way for 9 months.  if 3 days go together where she does not spend whole day crashing or blaming me for everything, yelling at me, and making me feel worthless it is VERY rare.  its daily... .

I know even when things are good now that at any moment and soon it will go badly, she will flip.  I will pay.  It will always been how I didnt want a baby with her, she has a home she hates and its my fault.  She has a car she hates.  She has a degree she cant do anything with cause I encouraged her.  She is miserable 24/7.  She makes sure I pay for it too.  She is very big on making sure people pay for their transgressions and she feels its my fault and/or my mothers.  I work with my mother in family business, but we literally only spend time or talk outside of family business at holidays.

Hi Hurthusband. I know that feeling of desperation to remove yourself from this earth to rid yourself of the pain and anguish you have over those you love, but who have a problem that you simply cannot fix. I was like that when I was married to my ex, and I am like it now having a DD14 with BPD, ODD, ADHD, etc. I thought it better to just do away with myself thinking it would do everyone better if I weren't here, and to release my own pain from intense guilty feelings.

What keeps me going is my DS and the thought of what taking my own life would not only do to him, but to others who love me. And my luck I'd go to hell and my hell would be watching those I love suffer because of an act I did to myself... . hence more guilt!

Talk to your phychatrist. Maybe go on some meds to help you cope. Post on here often. The folks on here are literally life saviors. They provide support, patience, non-judgement and great advice.

Hang in there. I'm sorry you are going through this. But what gets me through is HOPE. Hope that some day it will get better.

You know what... . you love who you love.  Unfortunately the head has no control over the heart.  I think you need to take some time and focus on you and your needs.  You're hurting so much.  We aren't built to run on non-stop pain.  Is there anything you can do to take care of yourself right now?  You see a psychiatrist.  Are you on medications?  Can you call your drs office and let them know how you feel?  

I think the idea that you are thinking of having yourself committed is very telling.  Sometimes we need to step out of our problems for a short time and get some help and focus on ourselves before we can figure things out.  If you took the money aspect out of it, would that be something you wanted for yourself?  

I do not have any of my own children with her.  when I met her she had two kids.  One was 3 and one was 1.  The 1 year old never knew his father.  11 years later, he knows I am not his biological father, but looks at me as his father.  I look at them both as my children.

I do not care so much what happens to me, I just want them to be happy.  The kids are in trouble no matter what.  I am so tired.  I do not know if I am at fault here.  I know I mean well and am truly giving it my all

Hurt husband, Listen to what Foreverdad says. Often times the thing that kept me going was reading about what kids went through when the non BPD spouse left the BPD because they just could not take it any more. As adults they would ask the non BPD, "if you could not take it, how could you have left me a kids to deal with it without you". Her kids need you, desperately. After thirteen years or so of misery, I finally found some answers. Keep sharing on this board. It helped me tremendously, especially when I was able to go back and read my own shared thoughts. Believe it or not, my own despair gave me hope when I looked at it from a reader of my own words. I saw that I had to keep trying, even though it seemed hopeless. Try al-anon and NAMI. They both provided me awesome local support. It is HARD. I know. I do not recall the protocol about responses,, but I tried to leave a previous post and am not sure it went through.

Hi, hurthusband.

I'm sorry to hear things are hard for you right now. I know what it is like want the overwhelming emotional pain and conflict to end. It is exhausting. As ForeverDad said, depression is temporary--it does not last forever, even when it seems like it will. Nine months is a long time to be carrying around those feelings on your own. It sounds like you  need some professional help to come out of it. It is ok to ask for help. Things do get better.

We have many tools here and can help you find solutions to the problems you are facing at home, but before we can do that we need to make sure you are ok. Your safety comes first, hurthusband. Can you take a look at this link? Safety First (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf)

We have sent you a private message with a number that may be local to you. Would you be willing to call them, just to chat?

We care about you hurthusband. Please keep talking with us.

PF

I see my doc every month.  We have talked about this for a long time.  Saw him yesterday and talked about this.  Been on meds to help.  Things have been hard and depressing for years, but the past 9 months have turned into a personal torture version of hell.  I literally have nightmare of being chased and attempted to be murdered.  When I wake up, and realize it was just a dream and the reality I have to face, the nightmare is not as depressing as the reality.

I deal with alot of people on MHMR, people with mental health problems, I have never encountered somebody bipolar or otherwise as angry as my wife is.  I have never... . I know what is real and what is not, but I cannot feel and accept it. 

You are all kind and I think you for your words.  there maybe a future, she maybe better in the future, but its hard to even making it through another day. 

Something I wanted for myself?  Peace... I just do not want to be demanded to do things, or told I am not providing.  Its literally all I want at this point.  monetary things just do not matter much.  I have no time, and I am in a constant state of fear, crying... its not just daily, its something that is constant throughout days and weeks and months.  The past 9 months, there has been no peace.  Its like the BPD stepped up 10 notches.  I am thinking it is cause she does not know what to do with her life and feels responsible to a degree where we are... but its being taken out on me.  

Just throwing this out there. Have you talked to her about how you are feeling? If so, how does she respond? Have you discussed marriage counseling?

Hi again hurthusband,

It's great that you are talking to your dr about these feelings.  What does he recommend?

I want to say that your wife's issues with her mental health are not your fault.  You have no control over how she behaves or reacts.  You can only work on yourself.  When you are feeling stronger I would love for you to take a look at your boundaries.  Boundaries are about you and what you allow/don't allow to happen to you.  For instance, when your wife is yelling at you, tell her it's not acceptable and walk away, run away, drive away.  When you remove yourself from a situation it gives you power.  She will continue yelling at you for as long as she thinks it's ok to yell at you.  You are a worthwhile human being.  You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.  If you don't demand that for yourself, who will?

Have you gotten the pms I sent you?

-crazed

Hurthusband

I am so very sorry for your situation.  You need help and you need it now.  Please stop thinking about dying, because that is NOT the answer.  :)O NOT GIVE UP.

If your severe depression has persisted for 9 months and your psychiatrist is not helping, I suggest you look for another. Being seen once a month in an on-going crisis is not enough, and it does not sound like you have family support or friends to turn to.  Is your wife aware of your feelings?  If she is and appears not to care, a break from the relationship may be necessary for you to stabilize.  

Is your BPDw able to care for the children properly?  Children are very observant and undoubtedly are being affected by what they hear and see.  Have they had any therapy such as family counseling?  

Yes, she is mentally ill ... . and she is making you sick as well.  Please consider what you need to do to improve your life and the lives of the children.  Find someone trained in BPD.  I am sure there is help available.  

You cannot carry this burden alone.

Dear Hurthusband:

I have not yet read all of the replies to your post; but, I will for sure.  I can tell you I absolutely read EVERY word of your post.

I'm sure you've heard the words, "I completely understand" before; but, let me tell you.  I COULD HAVE WRITTEN THE IDENTICAL LETTER!  I truly understand becuase I AM WHERE YOU ARE and your life is virtually identical to mine.

Only difference, I have been married to an undiagnosed wife with BPD for over 37 years and I have raised two boys who are now men.

Apart from this forum, that I just found about a week ago, I have NO friends or support group.  Some of the wonderful people on here "talked me off the ledge."  For I too was ready to end it all.

Right now my wife has not spoken a single word to me for over two-weeks.  She occassionally will glance my way with an evil stare of hatred.  Just before this episode where I have been accused of being the worst father/husband in the world, I was the best... . The ups and downs are too many to count over the years and the roller coaster ride never ends.  In the past couple of years the episodes of anger are much more frequent and last much longer than ever before.  I came on here with a similar story and said, "I really would like to just go to sleep and never wakeup!"  I felt like I could no longer do this--I miss having a life.

I am still very depressed and literally take refuge in my job; but, each day I dread going home.  But, by the grace of God I do it--I go home every day and make the choice to love my wife and give myself up for her.  You have done the same all of your married life and I believe God will bless us for it.  I don't know you; but, I want to say thank-you for caring for you wife and loving her.  You love for her is unconditionally--you don't love her "only if" you love her "no matter what"  I commend you for that and pray tha God will pour out his grace upon you and give you strength and encouragement to go on.

We can do this--let's stay in touch--our stories are remarkably similar

Clearly, she will not grant you peace.  Therefore peace is something only you can GIFT yourself.  Spend a weekend with your parents - or longer - or go somewhere on an outing with the kids, leaving her home.  Many have noted that Distance reduces the Impact.

Frankly, it's up to you to pull yourself up out of this chaos.  Some things only you can do.  What we and others can do is guide you and support you.   It sounds like she may never improve enough.  Maybe she will, no one can truly say "never" but the point is that unless you set firm boundaries for yourself, the things you won't stick around for as her personal Whipping Boy, she will keep stomping them.  Your choice... . Muddy Appeasing Doormat or... . Strong Rock with a lighthouse on top relatively impervious to the the relentless waves of the sea crashing against it.

BPD is a disorder affecting most those in close relationships.  The closer you are, the worse it gets.  It may be abandonment issues, but her own twisted remedy is more and more Control, Domination and Belittling.  The more you allow, the more she demands.  And over time if it changes, it's usually for the worse.  After 11 years, you know in your heart she won't behave better on her own.  Maybe therapy will help, but that's HER responsibility.  You've done what you can, there's barely enough left for you to regroup and do more than survive.

But when you do start standing up for yourself, expect pushback, she won't take you establishing boundaries for good behavior lying down.  It's called an "extinction burst".  But if you hold on to your new-found boundaries she may eventually relent (a little).

Sadly, there are some things that even love can't fix, and it is destroying you to keep trying.


So true.  Ponder all these posts.  You didn't get into this situation in one day, you can't resolve it in one day either.  So while you can't do everything today or even tomorrow, start formulating a strategy for recovery and digging yourself out of this mess she's caused.  Similarly, recovery is a process, not an event.

Hi hurthusband

How are you doing today?

I'm replying once again to "bump" this thread up... .

Hurthusband, please let us know how you're doing today.  We understand and WE CARE!

yea, I do try and talk to her.  I am very much about feeling better when I talk about my stress.  It irritates her.  She says things like "I am tired of your self pity party.  What do you know about pain?"

or

"If you do not like this then leave"

just escalates things

outside of my doctor she DOES NOT want anyone else to know what goes on.  One night a few weeks ago when she asked that we both kill ourselves and was high on booz, xanax, her add meds (adderal and vyvanz), etc she also went crazy throwing things at our cars, including an urn for her friend, I finally left as she was hitting me and kicking me too.  I went to her sisters to ask for help since she lives down street.  Told her situation.  Then when I got back home, she kicked me out and I talked to mother about it all.  This basically set into motion a nightmare of events still taking place. 

It is hard.  She is no doubt making me sick... Her parents do not even care.  I tell them she is talking about killing herself and they never even talk to her about how she is feeling.  My wife and my family are extremely strained.  I am not sure if we can even have family events anymore.  The children I try my best to shield, but its impossible to fully shield them.  I do what I can. 

I know alot is that my wife is in her 30s, she just graduated college and has no clue what do with her life and she is taking it out on me now.  On top of an abortion that went terribly wrong when the doctor, and elderly gentleman, suddently stopped mid operation and went balistic on her.  She basically still has ptsd from that.  She blames me for not stopping that.  I NEVER pushed for an abortion.  I did not think it was the best idea based on how we were getting along, but I always said I would support any decision and love her and the child regardless of the decision.  Unfortunately, coupled with the trauma from the doctor, the stress of graduation, her realizing that I finally gave in and let her run our debt up, she is feeling stuck in a life she hates with no purpose, no friends, and nothing cause she has alienated everyone and is scared. 

Being self employed as i am is horrible because it means the best coverage out there insurance wise still is expensive and covers very little.  I had hoped the Obamacare would help, but it only covers 40% of therapy, and premiums for the same thing we had before which was the best available for individuals (nothing compared to company insurance) DOUBLES with med coverage decreasing.

Its a multi pronged problem... hard to find the proper care, hard to afford the care, hard to get her to do what she needs to do, and then who knows if anything works for her

Thank you, I understand entirely what you are saying.  It is hard also because while I am religious and have believe in the power of prayer and devotion, my wife HATES religion.  She constantly belittles me as being stupid for believing in God.  It has gotten to the point that I cannot even go to Church anymore, or practice anything religious around her.  For the first time, my faith is weakening, I still beg for God to help her and myself multiple times a day. 

I go to work, but unfortunately, that is not a refuge.  She will call, text, and even show up angry at me.  Angry over my job alot of times that i do not make more or cannot take more time off.  It is causing trouble between my customers and me, and since I work two jobs my employer and me.  Its even worse cause my second job is in my family business and so thats problems with mother. 

I can honestly say that if she said to me "I love you, and you are a good man, but I am leaving you for somebody else that makes me happier" I would be happy for her.  I do not want her to be miserable.  I want her approval too.  That is not healthy I know.  I just cannot seperate what is real from fiction since she say so many things and recants them later

The more I read from you the more I find we have in common... .

The only places we're different is in the finances and the "job refuge."  That is a big help to me--I pray that will change for you.

I was an adult Sunday School teacher at my church... . My wife turned that against me... . She said I spent way too much time in Bible Study and that I shouldn't be a teacher unless I'm sinless.  When she was in her rages, she would say, "Your such a #*$@) husband, and YOU TEACH THE BIBLE!"  She has also stopped going to church; but, I still go--I urge you to return.  Since you don't have your job as a refuge, you can at least have a few days a week to be in fellowship and worship with a body of believers.  What is the worst that could happen?  Your wife will go into a rage?  That happens anyway.  Like I said, I too had stopped going to church; but, have since returned.  Even now when I get a letter from the church, my wife will open it and write nasty comments on it.  She writes in big letters in RED how religion is a scam and how could anyone believe such nonsense!  So, I'm with you; but, I am also with Him.

My advice right now is get back in church--tomorrow!

I'll be praying for you my brother!

Hurthusband... . stay with us buddy. Let this board be your rock and your source of total support. We get it. All of us are in the same boat, some better and some worse. Let me tell you this... . I have not been on this site very long and already I feel stronger. There are a lot of tools to use and lots to learn. You know how you throw yourself into your job? Thow yourself into this board. Take your laptop and go to Starbucks with it and come back here on this site with us. Frequently. Do it as something you do for you. You can find support here night and day with people who really are living all this with you.

I know how you feel about wanting to kill yourself. On a recent visit with my wife ( we live in different countries waiting for a visa for her) she got mad at me on the way to the airport over something benign as usual. She stayed mad at me to the ticket counter, mad at me to the bag drop and didn't bother to wait with me before I had to get on my plane. She gave me a quick hug, a kiss on the cheek and walked away. I said " just like that?". She said " I can't even talk to you now". And she left. I was getting on a 10 hour flight. Anything could have happened and that would have been the last interaction she had with me. No remorse. No apologies from her. When I confronted her later with the " what if the plane crashed" dialog, she said " well, it didn't did it?"... ok back to the flight... . terrible turbulence... . big Boeing 777 bucking like a bronco. I actually thought about it and my panic was replaced with some delusion that I would be better off if the plane went down because I wouldn't have to deal with her hite anymore!

And then she would be REALLY SORRY for how she treated me and feel so guilty I died that she would never forgive herself. Then I thought about all the other poor innocents who would perish with me and I let go of that idea.

I also have fantasies that she will walk out on me and make the choice for me, or have an affair and I can bonafidely leave her. Sometimes I even think (and this is terrible) that if she got cancer and died or something, I would be relieved of this misery.

I think we all go through this thinking and it is perfectly normal.

Now as for suicide, I am in agreement with the other posters in terms of this: those kids need you. They really do. You are the only sane one. You have to protect them. Also my personal religious beliefs align suicide with a direct root to hell (sorry). I don't know if you believe in a higher power but my view of things is that God challenges us to LIVE, which is the hardest thing to do at times on this earth.

My friend, I think some meds are in order here. Find a doctor that will give them to you. They will help FOR SURE. I am on some anti anxiety/anti-depressants and I dare to think what I would be like without them. Trust me, I still feel the anguish but I am surviving and able to use coping skills with a rather clear brain. Don't be afraid of them. You don't space out and become somebody different. You become a stronger ( and yes more confident, clearer, YOU).

Align yourself with a CODA group or even an AL ANON group. There are online chats as well. Immerse yourself in everything that you can for support. You need to rally the troops... . all of them. If you have trusted friends, surround yourself with their support.

You sound like a very capable and successful man. Use your skills now to YOUR advantage. You can do it!

We are here for you. Don't leave us, o.k.?

Sorry I missed your reply about the church thing. Guess you do believe in a higher power! Praying is key.

So much of what you write about is right out of the BPD Handbook 101.  In the quote above, this is ISOLATION.  She wants you to hide her misbehaviors and will do anything to pressure you to keep it secrect that only her inner family - you and presumably her children- are suffering at her abusive hand.

I wrote earlier about EXTINCTION BURSTS.  You just experienced one.  You did stood up to her by reaching out to someone, her sister, for help.  So she retaliated and kicked you out.  But in a while it will be back to the usual normal of recent days, weeks and months with lots of ups and downs.

Someone in such a state of mind is not on the path to recovery, as I see it.  If she's not making substantive progress toward recovery or at least at the beginning trying to make a REAL effort at therapy and improvement, then you have to look out for yourself.

Me?  I had one child and my then-spouse was going increasingly abusive with rants, rages, threats, etc.  I too thought I was married for life.  I could not picture anything else.  But I finally realized it wasn't getting better, the lulls between rages were getting shorter and shorter.  I actually feared she'd manage to work herself up into a state to get me arrested somehow with false allegations.  THAT woke me up to reality.  That was when I accepted that while "making sacrifices" in life were okay but "sacrificing myself" was not.

It was at that point I also realized that if I didn't want to end up wearing an orange jumpsuit for the next couple decades on trumped up false (but emotionally convincing) allegations, then I had to document what was really happening.  I didn't have a phone that could record, so I bought a digital voice recorder and quietly started recording her rages - in self defense.  One time she found out, I had used the video camera.  I came home and the tape case was broken and the tape ripped into little shreds.  I was surprised the camcorder wasn't destroyed too.  If only she had put that much energy into being nice.

Dear Hurt:

You have more courage than me, because when I found this site I was afraid to post in my newbie post some things I had been privately thinking about and privately feeling.  I understand about the peace you seek. The answer, my friend, I believe, is found as you explore these boards and messages.   There are many people here ahead of us in the healing, some right at the same point, and unbelievably, some who are way behind us and haven't gotten here yet.

I have asked myself and my therapist "how much pain can a person endure?"  I was referred to a book by Harold Kushner , "Why do bad things happen to good people?"  I was so afraid to have a purchase on kindle or amazon  traced by my wife that I checked it out of the local library along with "stop walking on eggshells." 

The message I got from the Kushner book was to try and rethink some of the past:  now that this has happened, what can I do with it?  Pain , for me, is in the past and my present.  But I try to think of what can I do to deal, what can I do to make a tiny step forward?  Often I find it very hard. 

But every once in a while I see a sunbeam, and I feel a little better.

Peace to you.  I understand it really stinks right now.  I'm there with ya.

hh, you see that others here have been at the same place you have. i have too. p.f.change sent you a phone number, i can also suggest an email service called samaritansDOTorg. i used it alot last summer. you see how much support and concern you have. please keep posting, please let us know how you're doing.


mine did the very same. she demanded to know why i told her parents what had happened and "what are you doing talking to my friends", 'her' friends being our mutual friends.

Hurthusband

I am so glad to hear from you and sorry things are not improving with your BPDw.  Sounds like you have had a really hard week.

As you can tell, you are definitely not alone in BPD Hell.  We are all here for you and want to help.  Some of us have other family members with BPD, I have a dBPDs.  He can be such a jerk, but the relationship between nons and BPD spouses HAS to be the most difficult.  Since your w may or may not be capable of recognizing how her behavior affects others, like the rest of us, you need to begin the process of protecting yourself and the children.

I do not know if you have had the opportunity to read up on BPD.  This site offers so many good suggestions on how to self-protect, and they DO work.  PwBPD come from all kinds of different backgrounds and circumstances, but the interesting fact is that regardless of their upbringing, the symptoms of this horrible disorder are pretty much identical for everyone.  So is the havoc they can create for others.

The first step in self-protection is knowing as much as possible about the disorder.  The educational tools here are outstanding.  Once we better understand what we are dealing with, the process of boundaries and communication skills can be put into place.  There are specific ways to deal with pwBPD to try to defuse the rages and improve the over-all situation by reducing their "triggers".  To do this takes courage and strength.  We sometimes fondly call ourselves BPD Warriors... . and we are a force to be reckoned with!

In order to stay strong, you need to take care of yourself.  I know you are seeing a psychiatrist and that is excellent.  We all need someone to confide in, and hopefully, he/she can help you maneuver the BPD maze with us.  I am glad also that you have confided in family.  Bpd is not an easy disorder to hide and it should not be feared or stigmatized.  The number of new people on this site never ceases to amaze me.  BPD is far more common than I ever believed it was.  We have banded together as a family to fight this mental illness and to save each other from the ramifications.  We never give up.  Nothing is hopeless.

Welcome to our family. There is comfort and safety in numbers, and we are a force of many.  Please keep us posted, and thank you so much for joining us.




The educational tools here are outstanding.

You know what?  There are some really great folks on here.  The replies to Hurthusband are very compassionate, full of empathy, and filled with love and advice.

As a husband of a wife with BPD for over 37 years, I have very little social engagement outside of the office--no real friends to speak of; but, I sure feel like I now have a lot of cyber friends.

Your replies to hurthusband hit home for me too... . I needed to hear all of those things also!

I hereby declare that us "nons" AMAZING!  Hooray for us!  Hooray for hurthusband!

Now let's all go and do something good for ourselves!  Wohoo.  Nons-unite!

yes this site was a great solace when i was in the wreckage - and i still am but maybe my head is above the wreckage now. i admire the posters who have been here longterm, that shows dedication to helping others.

Thanks for all your help.

Saturday night went quite well.  We had dinner and talked, and went to bed.  No real incidences.  She didnt feel well so we skipped doing movie or anything, but that was fine.

Yesterday though...

  We woke up and everything was fine.  We were talking and getting along, then she asked me ":)o you want to have a child with me.  I know you have my two kids and they love you like a father, but I am 33 and we are running out of time"

What came to mind is that I do not know if each day one of us might kill ourselves, or if we can make it another day together, and she wants to know if we should have a child?  Our finances are in shambles right now on top of it all.

I tell her I love her more than anything, and I tell her "If things were in a better place sure, but I feel we need to work on our relationship first and get things in a better place.  I do not want to bring another child into this world and then us fall apart or it be too much on top of everything else.  I worry about the father I can be too. It has nothing to do with the type of parent I think you can be"

She says that she can only do one thing and parent, and I do not even believe in her to do that.  That I am constantly putting her down and making her feel low and incompetent.  Now that I should move out.

I do not feel that at all.  I feel she has so many good qualities, she just talks like I am a horrible person and our relationship is shot.  I do not want to put a child into that and make things harder between us.

Am I wrong?

Should I have a child so she feels worthwhile?  I will love the child no doubt, but I cannot say if either of us can make it alive another month much less stay together another month. 

I know a child isnt going to fix things, but she seems convinced.

What do i do?

This is a very personal decision that none of us can make for you, hurthusband. It sounds like you are under immense stress right now, and it can be very difficult to make a quality decision under that much pressure. You have time to sort out what you want to do. There is nothing that has to be decided right away.

Since you seem to be wanting to work through some of the challenges you are facing in your relationship with your wife, I would encourage you to post on the [L4] Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0) board. There are specific tools (communication, validation, boundaries, timeout) that everyone in a relationship with a person suffering from borderline personality disorder needs to master. Our senior members on that board are very good at helping apply these principles to everyday life problems. I think you will find the support you are looking for there.

I am glad you seem to be feeling a little better. Please do look out for yourself and keep in touch with your doctor. You have the hotline number we have given you as well. Your safety must come first.

PF

she just told me i ruined her life, and she wish she never married me.  That I forced her to do things that ruined her life... .


I want to work things out, but I do not think it is even possible anymore. 

p.f. change is right, hh, nobody here can make that decision, but at the least you should wait until you see better where your marriage and your own emotions are. however, having a child "so she feels worthwhile" isn't imho the right motivation. if she has BPD, nothing will leave her feeling worthwhile. speaking for myself, as the time approached to start a family i got colder and colder feet until i decided not to go through with it. my heart is broken and i know my stbxw is still very hurt, but i've been told by everyone to whom i mentioned it that that was the right decision. some have said that quite emphatically. please take time to take stock before going into something as life-changing as childrearing.

in my heart, I know it is not the right time to do it.  everything rational says so, but she hates me so much for not having one... maybe I am being overly cautious.  My mind quesions everything now

Hi hurthusband,

The answer to that is no, you should not have a child so she feels worthwhile.  That's a lot of responsibility and a lot to saddle on a baby.  Babies are HARD work.  I would say to her that you want to work on yourselves and your relationship before you bring a baby into the picture.  Children make even good relationships complicated and often times destroy bad relationships. 

How are you feeling today?  Any better?  Have you had a chance to look at our Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0) board yet?

-crazed

As PF wrote, There is nothing that has to be decided right away.  I would add, especially having a child.  That is a Forever connection yet the legal issues during the first two decades to adulthood would probably be daunting and even more exhausting than you've already experienced.

I've been there, done that.  I had been married for over a decade.  When we finally figured it was time to allow a pregnancy, she never got pregnant.  So,thinking if she had a child she would be happier, seeing life though a child's eyes, I worked with her though a fertility clinic.  She quickly got pregnant soon after an HSG procedure.

After his birth my ex seemed not to be able to love us both, over the next couple years she pushed more and more out of her life and when no more family and friends were left I was the last to be shoved out.  In a way, she saw it as her and her child against the world.

This may not be your exact future if you have a child or children, but it is a likely pattern before you.

My conclusion, shared by many, is that Having Children does not solve problems, it only complicates them (due to many concerns not the least of which are the legal custody/parenting issues).  And it risks bringing an innocent new life into a potential world of high conflict.  And it risks still not fixing the current problems in the relationship.

So my suggestion is that while you're trying to decide whether the marriage even has a future, admittedly very iffy at the moment, put off any decision whether to have a child or children.  Now simply is not a good time.  Now is the time to get educated about these topics, learn skills and determine what your options are, not reducing your options.


Are you sure she would love you if you do have children?  Or isn't it far more likely she would just proceed to find a myriad other things to still hate you for?

Been there, done that.  My ex too was so emotionally overwhelming and illogically convincing that I was in a constant state of confusion and inaction.  I found it so very hard to be objective and see my situation as others did.  Can you do that?  Can you imagine you're talking to a friend who has your exact same situation?  And he asks you what he should do?  What advice would you give him?  Hmm?  Ponder that.

She has other children, right?  How are their lives around her?  Bliss or chaotic?  Full of peace and calm or conflict and stress?  Do you really want to add more children into that situation?

Hurt:

You have your answer, as many of us have learned the hard way , but find solace on this board.  Your weekend was so-so, and then it went to awful again, through no fault of your own.

Your need a therapist to help you see that you are not the disordered one.  In general, you can't call these folks "crazy," because no one would believe the impossible suffering they can cause a person like you, like me, like us to endure and absorb.

I got started late in life with kids, and I don't know what I would do without them.  They are all in elementary school.  My spouse has had this condition her whole life, I have only been along for the last decade or so, and my focus has been to save the kids.  Can't change the fact she is their Mom, ever.  Now it is time for me to save me.

In my opinion, and you need to think carefully in terms of your beliefs, her thinking that "having a child would solve all the problems between us" is a mistake.  I love my kids dearly, but I have  paid a price after the first child was born that only can be understood here by people like us. 

Keep posting, believe me, it's therapeutic.

Am I insane?

She says everything I do is crap?  I know I try my hardest...

She seems to believe it so whole heartedly.  She hates me.  I do not know what to believe?  What if I am the problem?

Why cant I just take her verbal abuse and not try and defend my actions or make things work, or do better?

Am I really doing all i can?  I think I am, but what if I am not?

I cannot even work, not just from depression, but because she constantly calls and is angry with me

Please Dear Lord help me... this is emotional torture

Hurthusband

You are forgetting one very important fact... . your wife is mentally ill.  She is looking for a reason to demean you and anything will do.  If you had said "yes", the result may have been exactly the same.

You need face-to-face, one-on-one support.  

Please get in touch with your therapist and see if he/she can help resolve these issues for you.  You keep saying you want to work things out with your dBPDw but it does not appear that she is cooperating.  It is her way or the highway.  Her vitriol towards you is a weapon meant to hurt and it is working.

Do not let her wear you down.  Can you take a break from the situation?  Even a day or two may help.

  hurthusband,


No, insane is harsh, black and white. But then you are not really feeling healthy either by your own account. A lot of our members are struggling with depression and stress related issues like anxiety or even PTSD.

Dealing with this continuous drama takes a toll  . But there are ways to cope more efficiently and get better. Check out the LESSONS on the staying board. They are a good starting point.


You certainly try and go to your limits. And no, you are not doing all you can. You are doing more!

Which is not really something to be proud off (but puts in good company to us co-dependents on this board  ) - overextending ourselves backfires as it burns us out.

Establishing what we can do and then sticking to our limits is key to stabilizing ourselves and the relationship. The staying board which you have already found can help you figuring out where to draw a line, how to hold it and how to deal with the inevitable fallout. It is tough to make these changes but then you know there need to be changes.

Hang in there  

*welcome*,

a0

If your boss said that, yet never fired you, how soon would you be looking for another job?

If your friend(s) said that, how long would you hang out with them?

The point?  You have perspective and objectivity with at-arms-length relationships, but the relationship that is the closest to you is so much harder to deal with.


Hmm... . Do you have ANY issues or conflict with other people?  Any?  Yes she does, right.  Well, that's your answer.  You both have issues, no one is perfect, but her

You've been in communication with a large number of members here, we've by necessity become very informed and perceptive due to our past or current relationships with disordered spouses or relatives.  Collectively we're no dummies.  We're not very gullible either.  Notice that no one, not one here, has pointed fingers at you as the one predominately at fault.  (To the contrary, your 'fault' seems to be that you enable her to cause more pain and suffering.)  So... . though we are remote, trust us, stop questioning your own reality, that's playing into her hands, that's keeping you off balance.


You'd have to be like her in order to withstand unfazed what's she's done and is doing.  And you really don't want to be like an abuser, right?

And eventually you'll realize that defending yourself to someone who isn't listening doesn't make a difference to her.  Sadly, a person with BPD or some other acting-out PD seems drawn to the conflict, even feeds on it.  Did you stop to think that she prefers it this way, her dictating and setting ever-changing terms and conditions and you in effect appeasing while trying to comply with the ever-changing rules and demands?


Yes it is, isn't it?  Sometimes we use a phrase here - Emotional Terrorist.  Fits, doesn't it?  Distance and time will help.  Besides support, distance and time.

hurthusband, I have been there. You would be amazed how many of us have been there. Husbands are being impacted by spouses with BPD to a much greater degree in the past ten years than they ever were before. I know what it feels like- you work hard, earn good money, support someone who can't process things in a logical way, she hates herself and lashes out at you and God forbid children see this or, worse, are impacted. I've had to deal with five suicide attempts in two years where my ex has said it's my fault.

It's easy to feel worthless and unloved. But that is only the opinion of a person who has serious issues that aren't being dealt with. You must remember that you are a good person- if you don't already know this, just think about all the times you were there for her and others. There is a core of solid goodness in you that can't be dissolved, no matter what she might say. Believe in yourself- it is possible. Avoid toxic encounters- instead, get together with people who appreciate you for who you are. And there are plenty out there.

You are not, I repeat not, to blame for her condition or for getting together with her in the first place. You just didn't know how bad it could be. This is where you come to find out that there are people who can help, whether through providing information or emotional support. You can always reach out- it's not bad or silly to ask for help- that's what they told us all those years ago in school. You can't do it alone- that's a fallacy. So you need some emotional support. You got it, hurthusband. Just keep the faith- it will get better. This comes from someone who hasn't seen his son in three years due to my ex's gameplaying with custody. And I pay every month and don't get to see my son. But I know things will turn around. Believe in karma- it will come around.

Everyone on this page supports you, hurthusband. You have a big extended family to fall back on.

sydneybob1