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I have two phones. One I never use only a backup. It has a different number than the one I use daily, and the one that I have the BPDex blocked on. I went to update the iOS version so I could download the audio book app because I just purchased The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck in audio book format. So there has been a strange number on the caller id that appears several times. So I just called it back and it was her. She has been trying to contact me several times and I wasn't even aware. I don't have the voicemail setup so she couldn't leave a message. When I heard her voice it produced no reaction in me. I said nothing and hung up. My self respect is in tact. I retain my integrity. I have no feelings left for her good or bad. I love myself.

Huzzah! Good for you!

I'm glad you're upbeat about it. She may see this as an invitation to try to reengage with you though.

For real? You must have felt something. Were you pushing against it?

+1

I'm not sure if I'm buying that either, myself. It had to have stirred up some emotions.

Wow, just hung up? Didn't she call back then?

I wouldn't have that strength yet.

Zero. I'm seriously not feeling anything. My feelings are in alignment. I shouldn't feel anything for someone who has demonstrated that they feel nothing for me. This is the correct emotion.

Just hearing a tape of my exes voice triggered me into the shakes.  Seeing her in her car forced me to pull over and remember to breathe.  Seeing a glimpse of her with her new beau caused me nightmares.

Not saying what you did or did not feel.  Just perhaps a reminder that if you were triggered, it could manifest itself in a different ways.  Short temper, nightmares, irritability... . Self awareness if part of our recovery.

But over all, congrats on your recovery and courage, and thanks for sharing.  We on the board know how hard and emotional it can be.  

It's that misalignment of emotion that causes our discomfort. We aren't born knowing this. Borderlines just flip a switch and its over. Move to the next. I'm not built that way.

Indifference is bliss!  Good for you man.

Perfidy, zero exists. It is something. It's hard to believe you're really that cool with it. If I'm wrong, I apologize, maybe I'm just questioning things too much tonight. If you ever feel to kick me in the a$$ about something, please use both feet, I might need it. Your emotions are aligned so you don't feel anything? Or is it that you feel everything and are accepting of it? Did you flip your own switch, or turn over a new leaf? Believe me, I want to get where you say you are. There is at times a bravado in saying we're already there that helps us get there. Like kicking ourselves in the a$$. How did you get there?

Is it indifference if the thread title is in the form of a joke?

That shows there are still feelings at play here.

What's underneath the surface?

You're right, there is a bravado in saying we're indifferent that helps us get there; fake it until you make it.  That stance its part of taking our power back.

I'm going to take Perfidy at his word for now, and good for him, and then maybe with some processing more will be revealed.

It works like this. Focus on the self. I do what I do for my own reasons. All of those tears that I cried were for me. All of my thoughts, feelings, and behavior belong to me. I own them and nobody else is responsible for them. I didn't flip a switch I worked hard at it. It was hard and it took time and dedication. I'm still healing. The joke was on me. I really didn't think I would hear from her again. I made a decision and stood by it.

Myself, my emotions are aligned with reality. Feeling nothing is the correct way to feel. Anything else would not be reality because there is nothing there. Nothing.

Faking it seems brittle, while being real is solid.

|iiii   for Perfidy, no disrespect intended.


Thanks for your reply, Perfidy. Made my decisions too. We're getting there.

I don't know... . I understand what you're saying, but still think something's there. Just in my case? Maybe you're way past that point and I still have quite a ways to go. I'm going to think it over some more. Thanks for what you're talking about, it's important.

Myself, what is there is a certain amount of depression, not much but still some. I still have a ways to go. I still ruminate, not bad but often. I know what to do about it so I'm not perpetually suffering. It will eventually cease entirely. I can shorten my suffering by being proactive with mindfulness and all of the other things that I've learned about treating depression. Without the knowledge that I have gained I possibly could have suffered like that for the rest of my life. It may have shortened my life by suffering as much as I have. I have dedicated myself to a year of grieving and during this year learning about my self as much as possible. In knowing my self I know others. What works for me will work for you. I didn't make this crap up I learned it from people just like you and me.

I'm on the same kind of ladder going up up and away, man. I was this close to getting married. I gave it my all. Thought I'd found my co-pilot. Found out the hard way I can be that for myself. No joke, I'm still flying. There is wind resistance on these scars but the more we keep to it the smoother that will be. It's already happening.

Perfidy, I'm glad for you!

Did you have any physical reaction to hearing her voice?  Or did your body stay calm?

I'll know I'm on the way to being well when I don't get any adrenalin or panic feelings around him.  We can micro analyse your reactions and feelings about this, but the fact is you hung up and didn't speak, which you probably couldn't have done before... .

Mindfulness is a great tool, I've been taught to do it, though often forget to put it into practice when I really need it.  I've got a couple of CDs given to me by a lecturer at Uni who taught us, so I might give them a listen. 

You are healing and growing. The fact that you're thinking about what the correct emotion is is good also I think.  We can and should learn to be in control of our emotions; the alternative is that they control us! Learning to feel fearlessly but not act out on our emotions in time allows us to manage them so we lose the fear of engulfment by them, if you get what I mean  :) 

Don't think about whether this experience has shortened your life, think about how having to learn and grow has enhanced it, albeit through a very painful process.  If you'd not been through this hell would you have come this far forward?  I really think that this is the secret of life, how much we are able to grow and learn in the time allowed and the way in which we do this. 

Janey xx

Janey, my physical reaction was to drop my thumb on the red button and hang up. Then I posted her and went to sleep. I slept well, all night.

Mindfulness is a useful tool in replacing rumination. I was conscious of the breath going in and out of my body as I fell asleep. This is after months of waking up in the dark alone and in anxiety.

Other tools shortcut the suffering. All of the ones we discussed before. Gratitude at the top of the list. Exercise... Move your body around. Good nutrition, hydration... You know the drill. I am proactive in my healing. It takes dedication to shorten the suffering. Dedication to my self.

Very nice!  And we notice the benefits in all areas of our life, not just the elimination of our exes, yes?

It's a new way of life H2h. I've always been strong and disciplined. Something happened. I'm not even really sure what, but it is a life changer.

Yep, me too, the ultimate gift of these relationships.

That is so awesome! I hope Ill be able to get to that same place on day. Proud of you!

Sad... It really is with you now. It's part of you to be happy. We need to do specific things to bring happiness to the top. Make your self number one and don't put anybody's happiness or well being in front of your own. That is what I did and sacrificed my own happiness. I might even do that again some day, if I stop focusing on my self.

I see the gift too, shimmering in the near distance... . *)

It's kind of exciting and scary all at the same time.

What is it good news day? This sounds amazing Perfidy, I believe in the power to change... .

The famous quote

Know thyself

Just got it's full wisdom

This is indeed a life changing time for me, however I come out of it.

I have blocked all roads and rivers back to me even cutting out former friend because of her enabling.

Breath it in, real emotion tempered in fire

Will concentrate on Mindfulness

Noted Perfidy

Thanks

Nice!   |iiii

good for you!

|iiii

Perfidy you sound like you are making huge strides.  |iiii

Not really greenmango, just a lot of really tiny ones. A lot of them. I have come a long way and I'm still learning. I've put a lot into this and it is paying off. Thank you and I hope you are well also.   

Lol lots of small ones! That's good too.

you sound. ... dare I say it optimistic!   

It's great to read when people turn a corner.  :)

Well, I've always been a strong person. I'm getting back on track. I needed help. I got it. A lot of would haves and could haves later, my strength is coming back. It was something that I sacrificed on a lost cause. Huge sufferance between character disorder and character defect.

Do borderlines really just flip a switch and that's that?  Relationship over no grieving. process?

Pretty much Irish. Pain avoidance is survival. They bury it, drugs, relationships, anything except go through it. Even suicide.