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I was contacted(unsolicited) on Facebook by a mutual friend of my exUBPDgf(more my friend then hers, under a new account) and this friend started asking me what had happened to me. At this point, I was like, you know what, you really want to know, so I opened the flood gates. The friend was mortified. As soon as I started telling her, the friend proceeds to tell me, "she has been posting these things on fb/IG of how she is such a nice person". And I told her, what a contradiction given her behavior towards me. Now since so much time has passed has returned to a normal emotional baseline. That same friend proceeded to also tell me, without me asking, " she comes across as very insecure and is always looking for praise and attention"... . A bad combination. Victim mode. This is the first time I hear of any news related to her besides seeing a glimpse of her pic days ago. Am I irked at this? Yes and no. This whole portraying herself as a nice person just reflects the shame based aspect of her disorder. Saddens me as well. She knows on some level, but admitting to it fully will most likely never occur.

They post all that stuff not to convince others but to really attempt to convince themselves. The put it on social media so that when people reply with affirming comments or " like" it. They are getting the vidation that "see they agree with me, I must be normal." The whole premise and purpose of Facebook is validation for one life. Sorta pathetic if you think about it.

And the scary thing is, she was posting similar things... . Right before I was re engaged for round 2. I noticed it when I had let her back in(I had scrolled through her pics and saw the time period). Her dysregulation must have returned to a more normal baseline given I am no longer around(6+ months NC). Same friend asked me if she cheated on me, I told her " I think so." She replied, " I wouldn't be surprised." I almost puked.

I dread returning to social media because I know this awaits me... . how do you feel about it Ironman? Does it stirr up the hurt or is it a valadation to go ahead in your proces?

Was it a wise move to tell this mutual friend what really happened? No. But it felt good letting it out. It took 6 months for me to return to social media in the direct aftermath of 2 rounds with my exUBPDgf. And I was a daily active user of such prior. I feel hurt and validated at the same time. I really want the validation coming from my ex, but realistically it never will. So hearing things like what I heard just gave me another nail in the coffin that she really is disordered(undiagnosed). It saddened me to know that this will continue on and on. I honestly tried to help her when I was with her in round 2(when I already knew of BPD), and it made no difference. If anything, it almost feels like my efforts only produced increased contempt and horrendous behavior from her. And that really still hurts me. This whole ordeal is such a sad and twisted spectacle.

I just reactivated mine the other day and within the 5 seconds it was up again my ex Unfriended me. It fired me up for a minute but I realized it's just proof they HAVE to paint us black and cut us off, lest they be forced to alnowledge their responsibility and the consequences of their choice. They can't play fair, or be logical or mature. It's easier to be the victim.

That same friend told me " I knew there was something off about her."

But think about it... . Do we really need the outward expression from mutual friends or their family to validate what we all know about this person. The friend affirmed your feelings on the matter, but had they not contacted you , those were there feelings anyway. People around someone with BPD know they truth, their friends knew it was less us and more them, although they may not say it. My ex's family knows how he is and his friends know how he is. They aren't going to take sides or get in the middle or openly affirm it wasn't me. We should know, BPD affects all interpersonal relationships they've been victim to the same push/pull disordered dysregulated stuff too. If anything it's a lessor scale and as it's not in a romantic relationship, just a friendship it's easier for them to not let it affect them as much as it effects is. Right after my ex split he moved in with friends who let him crash for awhile, wasn't long before he over stayed his welcome and they asked him to leave. But was he appreciative for what the time they had given him in their home? Of course not he was the victim and they kicked him out arbitrarily (on his mind) guarantee those friends know exactly how I feel now, try to do something good, get taken advantage of, and you're the bad guy in it all. I don't need them to call me and say "man that's what you had to deal with?" Because I know that's what they are thinking, and it helps me realize it wasn't just me... . It's not my fault he doesn't take responsibility for his life, and refuses to grow up.

When a pwBPD isolates you and emotionally abuses just you while showing the direct opposite to everyone else, the validation is needed from such people. At least for me. I need to know that others see what I saw. Those very people around my exUBPDgf who don't tell her anything in regards to her behavior contribute to her disorder which affects the closest person to the pwBPD, which was me. In my eyes, their silence felt like a deafening "ok" to her to continue hurting me with such behavior.

Most people these days have loose obligations to "friends" more than not they are only friends because they enable each other. I.e. Party, drink, act stupid. If we have people around us who are like us, it makes us feel less wrong about what we do because, "see I'm not the only one" I asked some of my ex's friends why they didn't warn me about the way he was and they all said "he seemed to really like you , we thought it would be different this time". When in all reality his end game behavior was quite typical to them they weren't surprised.

Well f'me thanks for that... .

You think we get frustrated talking to them and trying to get through their defenses, try to think how their parents and friends feel. On the sidelines watching the same game being played over and over the exact same way, just with a new visiting opponent every year.

You thought we got tired of talking in circles and beating our head against the wall? That's prolly why they are more apt to stay quiet they know nothing they say will matter to them, they are prolly tired of trying.

I totally get that. Yet at the same time, those very people not saying anything further continues the destructive behavior by the pwBPD. Further cements the denial. Further validates to the pwBPD that they do not need to seek help. All of that affects us. It is why we for the most part, end up here. How can an alcoholic for example, ever admit there is a problem if the very people around him/her continue giving that person liquor?

What went down could be considered indirect contact Ironman, and it seems you're handling it well.  My experience is that hearing things like you did once you've got your feet on the ground a little can actually help with your detachment.  Feeling any of that?

You are right. Will that conversation get back to my ex? A scary possibility. Yet, it might even keep her away from me, i honestly dont know as i am in uncharted waters. I cannot heal if she constantly returns. My ruminations have been decreasing. Reconnecting with my friends is also helping. Not fully detached yet. Not as attached as i once was when i first got here months ago. So at least that is some progress. Just that whole portraying herself as a good/nice person thing, that saddened me. A reflection of her condition. I know what is behind that image.

She can only constantly return if you let her. 

I got direct contact from my ex months after I left her, and had learned about BPD and healed a little by then, and her whole shtick was transparent and disgusting, pathetic really, because like you I knew what was behind it too.  The good news was it really helped in reconfirming my decision to completely remove her from my life; see if that's true for you.

I will only be able to say that if i am presented by her reappearance again, and if i successfully repel such a scenario. And i really do not want that scenario to occur. Its better for me if she stays away.

every word of this.

I asked one of his friends how she could condone his behavior and she said she doesn't condone it she tells him truths but at the end of the day he's her friend and she loves him for who he is. I said how can you have a friend who treats people this way? Who uses people for their own benefit and does to people exactly what your ex did to you. ( she recently went through a bad breakup ) I received no answer to these questions.

Thank you Maxen. It is no wonder why the disorder has so many casualities. It cant just be the SO telling the pwBPD "you need to get help", it needs to come from the others too, that is the friends/family.

It won't matter, they won't change a bit until they themselves have had enough of it. Only when they are willing to see and care how their behavior effects themselves and others and then become disgusted and ashamed with themselves, will they be ready to make a change.

That is a cruel contradiction from the friend. She loves who that person appears to be to her.  Her non answer is a refusal to admit to such a contradiction.

If 20 people(friends/family) were all telling her, "your behavior is outrageous, etc", it isnt a stretch to think that something would spark a desire to do something about. But when only 1 person(us) is telling the pwBPD that, it is much easier to cast us away and continue on with a trail of mangled relationships.

Ironman, social networking in combination with outsiders (friends or so-calleds) of either us, the BPD or both is a tricky game because FB and all that is all a facade anyway.Get this: I was deleted in succession over a period of 7 days by four of the mutual friends - in Facebook terms - of me and the dexBPD - I knew she had roused them to do so recently in a period of NC wrath - I contacted the ones I felt I had bonded with/enjoyed the company of and who have known my ex for years anyway and explained simply that she has Borderline Personality Disorder and that the whole basis of the breakup and the relationship can be contextualized by the characteristics. I felt that it would be too bad if they didn't know such a thing, which is possible. And also, I felt they had to hear the second side of the story, because God knows what they'd been told by the Borderline bhit. And although I'll never see any of them again at least, in one sense, for their scant curiosity, it is closure, and they know - "Allweare did his best, she was ill" etc

The best possible position for you to be in is to heal fully.

We all have that dread and those doubts about what will happen when our ex gets back in contact, in the world of BPD, it is highly likely it is a WHEN and not an IF. To that extend, we are still under their control as we fight to strengthen our walls on their time and before their alarm clock goes off.

The perfect state to be in is one of indifference because that is when you know you have truly won and conquered yourself.

We worry about what will happen if they contact us and we aren't ready, worry about whether we will concede, question ourselves internally, am I strong enough? We drive some of those feelings in ways similar to our pwBPD, we look to paint them black so that if they do contact us before we have time to heal, we can just ignore them. In a state of indifference, you don't really care whether or not they make contact because you know in yourself that you are strong enough to see past everything, see them for who they are, have compassion and sympathy but also remind yourself of the abuse and be at peace with the whole picture.

It allows us to view them in the same way we would do a stranger, because essentially that is all they are. We fell for the mirroring or we got too enmeshed in the drama and strived to make their lives happier based on events and not the person themselves. It was only when we started to see the real them that they left and found the next target.

So instead of not wanting the scenario to occur, have acceptance that it is highly likely that it will occur and focus all your energies on healing so when it does, you can see them as just another face in the crowd. Remember the happy memories and the good times because that was a reflection of you and what a great person you are. The person making contact is a very different person entirely to the one you have those memories about.

Didn't mean to hijack the thread (I've noticed I'm bad at that) I just wanted to illustrate to add to your original thread. That's awesome the friend reached out to you. But she may also had just been telling you what you wanted to hear. My ex's friend did, and still stood by him despite their throwing him under the bus. They place double agent and both sides. You should take comfort in knowing the truth is out there whether people verbalized it or not. That truth sets us free from the Guilt and shame they made us feel, and despite their smeere campaigns about us. Most people know better, and trust me they do. And prolly gets yanked around by this person too, why they put up with it and still keeps them as friends is their issue.

At the end it's not the words of your enemy you remember but the silence of your friends

How can they validate what you saw if they didn't see it?

You saw, because you were there. You were close.

How much do or did they know? Isolated and abused. I was too.

She told me, and is telling others, I did that to her.

It's like being in the Twilight Zone.

No one besides the participants knows what really happened. They weren't there.

I agree with that myself, although quite a few people told me something was 'off' with her, people didn't feel comfortable around her after the initial dose of bluster she always put on, the facade, and other women pretty much hated her.  I saw all of that too, and ignored it, until it got so painful I left, and then what other folks had said started to make sense, and helped me with my own sanity.

^^  |iiii That's validating for you, and has helped speed up your detachment. Many of us didn't have that. So many extra questions and pains when you don't. Sometimes friends don't want to interfere. If they even see what's really going on.

I was referring to her close friends/family. People that were around her enough to notice erratic behavior. I don't want to be naive and assume that none of those very people saw absolutely nothing to not warrant a question, a remark, anything. Some of those very people I met.

+1 people will stay out of it, but usually if they were there friends before they will be their friends after the rs.

Yeah that's true, not everyone has third party feedback to use.  Ironman did get some from people who know her, and I'm trying to encourage his detachment by suggesting he use it.

And by doing that, they condemn us in the process. Basically as if to tell the pwBPD, "Sure, You and him/her broke up again? Treat that person like sh¥t... . no worries, you and I are still best friends. I got you." That is what that feels like. I just feel like my exUBPDgf closest friend has witnessed this f¥cking behavior before and is literally telling her "it doesn't matter, we are still friends in the end." Apologies for my vulgarity. I'm really ticked off at envisioning my ex painting this picture of herself as Miss wonderful and wholesome. How dare she?

People wearing masks to deal with/avoid other people wearing masks.

ironman i share your anger entirely. i can scarcely bring myself to give the details of how these people facilitated (not too strong a word) the explosion of my marriage, because my fingers will slam through the keyboard. i can certainly identify two with whom she discussed her plans, one of them a friend of hers and acquaintance of mine of decades' standing - the maid of honor at our wedding - who has seen my w's entire adult life and knows her patterns. i will never cease to be enraged by this.

Ironmanfalls, why not look at this from another direction. You can't polish a turd (though according to mythbusters you can).

She can paint all she wants, but you know the truth, she knows the truth and because of her condition she cannot hide behind the mask for very long. Take a look at these boards, whether it's people like us who are detaching, people who are unsure whether to stay or even those who are in a r/s with their pwBPD. Look at the family members, not just relationship partners, who have suffered as a result of parents, grandparents and children suffering the same condition.

The sad truth is they cannot hide from it.

When I split from exBPDw, I was really concerned at the picture she painted of me and how she made herself look out of this. It did hurt, I was angry and upset but then it dawned on me. To everybody that she was spreading her BS to that I knew, I had always been myself and had no reason to be anybody different. She was the one wearing the mask and it would only be a matter of time before they saw through it.

I even got emails from her friends and acquaintances to say they were sorry how things turned out and hoped that I was ok. These were people who knew her more than they knew me. They just seemed to tolerate her but knew what she was like. I do feel your anger and frustration when these people have seen it so many times before and stand by them.

I've seen the same thing recently with exBPDgf and her kids. I can't imagine what it is like for them not to be able to have a bit of normality and stability in their lives. Each time a new guy comes in and they start to attached, their world gets turned upside down too. Her son begged her "not to screw things up again" her daughter pleaded with her from the start "to try and make things work this time" and yet the same pattern occurs. It has to affect them too watching their mother self destruct every 6 or so months but at the end of the day, it is their mother and she has more of an attachment to them than anybody else who comes along. It's the same with friends too, they tolerate the behaviour but it doesn't mean they don't like it or agree with it. However, that issue is theirs to deal with.

The whole disconnect that is still present in hearing how she is portraying herself means I really need to further have radical acceptance. Of course I want to know the "why" she is trying so hard to present such a good/nice person image of herself, and me trying to decipher that is leading back into the blast zone I have tried to distance myself from all these months. My brain hurts from all of this.

A better focus might be it doesn't matter what she does or why; its about you and only you.

Just rereading what I wrote shows my chaotic thoughts. Thanks Fromheel. I've been doing better overall, a bump in the road is what this is.

Yeah I figured.  First new info you've had on her in a while.  Hang in there man.

Ironman, someone that truly is a good person doesn't tell the world that. The world would already know. Social media creates a whole new level to mess with minds. Wasn't too long ago breakups weren't complicated by technology. As a matter of fact, I've been using that technology to better my self. I guess for every silver lining there is a dark cloud.

She was portraying similar things on her social media right before she re engaged me for round 2. I saw it after I had let her back in. Same "good/nice person" image. Now that I heard that from someone else(unsolicited), it shows a pattern. A loop.

That's because that's exactly what they live, "a pattern. A loop"!

A re-engagement could/may/possibly/very well be in the works since this has happened before. I don't want to stick my head in the sand and think, "Since its been so many months of NC that I am clear of this." It is always deadly quiet before the storm hits. And she has brought that hurricane into my garden as is.