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I just go numb these days. As soon as I feel the tension increasing I can barely speak. Especially that he tends to start arguments before bed when I'm exhausted and I truly can't think of any answers that won't make him angrier.

He gets mad because he "can't even get advice" from me.

But how do I validate him when it's about a situation that he believes I created?

There was a post about this but I can't seem to find it ... . how do I validate him when the problem is me?

What recommended to us is, "Honey I can see that you are upset and I want to give you my full attention.  Since I am tired, I am not at my best and won't be able to address this giving you my full attention.  Can we set a time tomorrow to talk about this?"   Then if he comes up with a time, great.  If not, I say "How about at lunch tomorrow?  Would you prefer to meet and chat or chat on the phone?"  This way, they are being heard and not just shut down.  The thing is, I have to practice this speech to myself because I tend to forget when I am feeling triggered by his emotions.

Hi PacifistMom,


do you need to solve a problem or do you need to validate him?

My understanding of your situation is: He is having a problem and he wants you to take care of it. You are not able or willing to do so. He gets angry with you.

Validate: Frustration, being left hanging dry by you, can't get help when needed, desperate, hopeless, not knowing how to solve the problem, got to do everything himself, in a corner, unfair, injust... .

He wants both, I guess.

It seems like whenever I validate his feelings, he just throws it back at me!

Like, "You said you can understand that I'm frustrated, so why won't you fix it?"

"How can you say you care about me when you say you get why I'm angry and you're not even willing to talk?"

And as for talking tomorrow ... . well he will just be like "So? What have you got to say for yourself? I waited now how are you going to fix this?"

I am not really clear on what you mean by a situation you created?  It sounds like he is upset and wants you to fix his feelings.  That isn't possible. 

Putting it off till the morning may not bring a magic fix, but you will be in a better place to deal with. That way if the demands turn to abusive, or at least unacceptable behavior, you can go find somewhere else to be and you are not facing a disturbed nights sleep.

To answer the title, if you can't defuse you need to disengage. If that doesn't work you remove the trigger, in this case you.

These issues are his and if he wont appropriately accept you help to resolve them then he will have to deal with it himself. You are not obliged to do anything, you can choose to do something. Your involvement needs to come with the price of respect

My pwBPD is far worse in the evening and trying to solve anything is much harder.

What I have learned with pdW is that she uses me as a trigger.  For example, work right now for her is very stressful and upsets her on a daily basis.  However, although she admits to this, it's ok, but MY behaviors are what sets her of, projection.  She can project onto me and dysregulate around me because she feels safe, but she could not dysregulate around her boss and co-workers for fear of getting fired.  Could you imagine what would happen if she acted the she does around others that"mattered"?

Yes, usually they take it out on those they are safe with... . the more safe you are, the more you get.

It's sounds and feel crazy, which makes me sometimes wanting to stop being the safe spot for her and let her take it out somewhere else, or no where.