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Got out of the house with kid after 4 years of marriage. The first time i did it as he screamed and woke us up at 1 in the morning. We already had a big fight ( over small things) and I refused to soothe him.

This gave me the final nudge to move.

Stupidity I rang him after a few hours of the move to ask him what's next, giving him another chance at this, when he already told me to go to lawyers to end it. ( this is the countless time he asked me to end it, but he wouldn't want to end it)

He said that its my choice that I'm suffering now, squeezing with my son on a small piece of floor at my mom's.

The conclusion was that I'm not going to act till 1 week from now. And we can call each other if there's a need.

I have the house keys and will need to call to inform him if I want to enter to get my things. ( I have a full-time job, as he does)

My co-dependence definitely is acting up now. I'm so used to him being around and being on my toes when around him. Now that I have total freedom, the freedom that I crave, I'm not used to it.

I got weak when he broke me down so many times, but this time round when I showed that I mean it by moving out, he went to a quiet room to weep. ( first time in the last 4 years, after realizing that I wasn't his perfect princess. he used to weep alot in the beginning)

My son hates him, tells me that he wants mom but doesn't want dad. The reason why I left is because there was no control over shouting and fights when son is around. I'm guilty of that myself. By the time I stop to go further, it;ll be too late. He will not back down.

What to do now? He gave me a time frame of 1.5 weeks to decide. ( hes not a citizen here and that's the time he can decide to return to his home country)

1)He has rejected seeking help. Saying that he dont trust that person and his own therapy is better. ( talking through things and me giving up everything)

2)I dont want him to have control over me again. I want him to respect me.

3)Even if he backs down, he will revert to his old self again.

The last drastic change of niceness lasted 3 months.

4) I do have feelings for him, although it sounds really stupid to be saying this now.

Hugs to you and I am pleased to hear you are safe. Kids do need to come first so pat yourself on the back for protecting your child.

What would need to happen for a reconciliation? What are your boundaries?

There sounds like there are quite a few hurdles to overcome - times are tough Not Normal!

Thanks Clearmind, I do need a hug~

Reconciliation checklist:

1)NO more screaming and fights infront of child

2)More time with family instead of drinking at the pub

3)No more insults that I am a bad mother/ bad wife/ selfish/ can't be wrong/ manipulative/ conditional person /impossible to talk to

4)No more 5 second temper, being angry and the world falls apart after not feeling validated/ not the centre of attention.

This should be called the miracle list. Why do I feel that it is close to impossible? After 3 years ++ of hatred towards me, he miraculously changed and gave in to me and hold his temper for the past 3 months.

Now he is worst than normal, although I can hear it in his voice that he wants me back home but is refusing to admit it.

Close friends are glad that I finally left, and I'm afraid to let them know that I may wish to give this marriage another try, yet again...

I also had a BPD ex and my father is also likely to be BPD. I do know all too well what it is like to live with a BPD parent and while a child cannot speak for themselves at a young age the impact on them as adults can be immense.

This is not to scare you into leaving - its to help you decide what limits and boundaries need to be set in order to give it another go. I would imagine, and correct me if I am wrong, that considering he is in your country you may feel some obligation to "make it work". Also consider the thought that if you do relocate to the UK you may well not be able to return to your home country.

These are all practical factors to consider Not Normal and its so hard.

The emotional factors are not as easy to process and your list of 4 things are more than understandable. In order for these things to change it does take enormous effort on your part to uphold boundaries, it may also take him to voluntarily seek out therapy. Is he capable of seeking it out himself - maybe not!

BPD is a pervasive pattern of relating and in almost all cases behaviour will wax and wane. Your number 1 on the list will be hard to uphold - unless you set a boundary that the very moment he raises his voice you and your baby are out the door to stay with your Mum and Dad for the night.

Boundaries are important and consequences for bad behaviour must the set.

Is it impossible? No! Is it tough? It is. And it won't change overnight. Going back home before strong boundaries are established will continue the cycle.

Any ideas how you may contribute to the conflict cycle? Do you react? Do you firmly and calmly walk away and return to the conversation when he has calmed down?

Take a look at the lessons at the top of this board: Putting all the lessons together (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106134.0)

Thanks Clearmind, I wished that my mind is in a better state than it is now.

My greatest fear is creating the conditions to bringing up a child in an unsafe environment.

He's already responding to his father with anger and hatred. Even if I have a quiet word with him that he needs to love his father, as his father loves him very much. He still ends the conversation that he can't promise me that he will love his father.

I do wish to make it work, although I did side-track the past 6 months and gave up putting in any effort at all.

He wants me(made me promise) to move to the UK, although I told him numerous times that it would be a bad move considering recent events.

I wonder if therapy will help me? He would never go. I gave him the ultimatum that we need to attend 'couples therapy' if he wants to continue, but he refused. I should have persisted to enforce this boundary but I didnt.

The weird thing is that I felt at times that he was the one setting boundaries on me. " If he doesnt get it his way to practice as a father, I have to leave the house. If I accept his ways, which I already told him that I don't, then I can stay in his house".

I had to leave the house today, to show to him that I do not accept being told instead of discussing and reaching an agreement on parenting.

Now that I've left, I will stick by it for at least a week, and I thought of having a talk with him on those 4 points. Somehow, maybe a week is too short of a time for him to feel that this is serious.

The last we spoke on the phone, we agreed that both of us do not want a cycle of conflict to exist or happen again. Even if we are together or not.

I wrote down a few pointers on how he treated me over the years that lead to today's events. Just in case I forget and forgive too easily.

Looking at the tools, I realized that I didn't use any of them. And I totally lost my calm and reacted to his maddness...

Thanks for your time and hope you have a great weekend!

Still unsure of what to do... . I'm so used to his madness that I'm feeling uneasy with the peace now...

We have not communicated and I'm afraid if I go back and cant use the tools on him, then everything will be the same as before?

It took me 4 years to have the courage to move out, now that I'm away from his emotional torture, I'm so afraid that forgiving him and trying to work things out will just be a huge mess.

How should i create a boundary to protect my son and myself that he needs to seek therapy, or that both of us need to see someone?

The last time i suggested therapy, he said i was the crazy one.

An update on things... .

I said its counselling or nothing. At first he didnt agree and wanted to start conflict cycles and naming all the past events and how I've failed him in everytime. So I firmly repeated my request of a counsellor or nothing, and he said ,"ok, we can try, but it is mainly for your anger issues!"

I've found a therapist that does couple counselling and familiar with bipolar issues. Can't find a BPD practitioner in my neck of woods. Told her briefly about us, and waiting for our appointment now.

Yesterday, he rang me at dinner time and told me not to enter his house when he was away for work for a few days,.I agreed and asked him the reason why and he became EMO and sounded like he was sobbing.

He said he was not doing well... . and he will tell me another time, and a horrible day he had at work... .

I gave him support over the phone and asked him to take care of himself.

This push pull making me go on a guilt trip once again. That's how they got us sucked in isnt it... .