BPDFamily.com

Damn... . I never realized how long winded I am until joing this forum. But you all have been so invaluable to me in this process, I feel the need to keep going. I love you all. I sincerly do.  I even told my husband today if it werent for him and this forum, I honestly dont think I'd have the strength to have gotten this far. And I thank you for that.  In the next few weeks I'm going to need you all more than ever. I almost.caved tonight when.DD.called me.this evening crying about what she's been through and just wanting to come.home.  :'( This is soo hard.

---

Daughter was Arrested (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=214080.0)

Daughter was Arrested (Part 2) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=214992.0)

Continuation of Daughter was Arrested (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=218358.0)

Raytam

We will all be here when you need us.  You can count on us.  Take care.

Thank you Mamma. She gave more details of the incident that occurred. Apparerntly now two guys were involved... . She asked why I told the judge she needed to stay. I told her I said it in an effort to protect her. She said she knows. I told her the incident was not her fault and that I'm sorry it happened to her. Told her how much I love her and that everything I've ever done was to try and protect her, i.e., curfews, wanting to know where she is, etc. She said.she knows. She was crying hard. It hurts me when she is hurting. And I so want to believe her. But its so hard when she has lied so much

Hi Ray,

In your last post on the closed thread, you asked:

Thanks. I just hate that the judge asked for my input whether to keep her or release her him home. And for her to hear me say to keep her in custody because she is a threat to herself and others. Suppose it is true that she was assaulted? Am i going to make things worse?

Even if it is true, your daughter is ill and cannot keep herself safe or abide by the most simple rules. She needs you as her voice even though it is difficult and horrible to tell the judge to keep her. YOU Ray, are not making things worse, she is because she is so sick and needs the help that typical mothering/parenting does not cure.

Keep strong!

Raytam

When they found her, did your dd tell the police she was raped, and did they have her examined at a hospital to confirm it?  That is the usual procedure, I believe.  Might be something to check into.

My heart goes out to you.  It is good you spoke with her and she is aware that you were trying to protect her.  That is a big step.

Good luck at the hearing.  We will all be thinking of you.

Hi raytam,

Your heartbreaking story has touched us all so much.  You and your husband have been through the wringer and we understand and support you both.  I am so looking forward to watching your family's recovery from such a tragic illness.  I have so much hope for you all.

I remember getting those calls from my dd crying and begging me to bring her home.  You are doing what's best for her.  She will come to see that someday and be grateful that you worked so hard to get help for her. 

Take some time and enjoy yourself today!  DD is taken care of and safe.

-crazed

Thank you all so very much.  

DD called me to tonight and she actually was accepting of the fact she is gonna be.away for a while. Another girl in detention is.in fkr 20 months for the same infraction. So DD said.she doubts she'll be getting oiut.tomorroe. She didnt make a fuss or anything.

Raytam - I agree with Mammamia - your dd is starting to understand and accept (that is great progress!) even if she might be upset about it or hurting... . You are a loving mom.   

Just got to work from the hearing.  :)D is being detained at the detention center pending the next hearing of February 25 during which time, she will undergo evalations (phyc and drug and alchol) and at the same time, CMO will give a listing of RTCs. At first I was neverous because the judge was different this time in that she wasn't as harsh as last time. I thought for sure she'd realize that DD was just there not even three weeks ago and would have been a little harder on her verbally. And that she wouldn't wait on evaluations to have her sent to an RTC.

Talked to DD's CM today who is still saying that if DD refuses to comply with the RTC services, they won't accept her? I still don't understand that.

DD was brought out shackled, as I was forwarned about. But she had on a gray hoodie and sweatpants. I'm guessing the facility provided these clothes. Our lawyer was whispering to her about her continued defiance with the kicking in the doors, throwing plates against walls, etc., at which point DD turned around to me and gave me a dirty look. Does she honestly think she would get away with that and I wouldn't tell him about it?

What really did DD in emotionally is when the lawyer said to the judge that DD claims to have been assaulted and that if she had followed the curfew and been home under my care like she was suppose to, that it probably would have never happened. DD told him he was fired after breaking down.

I talked to the investigator assigned to her alledged assault. He said he has been doing this for years and basically said he isn't buying it; that many things just don't add up. That he feels it's a ploy to get out of incarceration.  I told him that while part of me thinks so too, in the event it did happen that I want it thouroughly investigated. He assured me that it was his job to do so and will be doing so.

It was hard seeing DD shackled and crying. I wish it never would have gotten to this point.

raytamtay

Know that this is the best for your dd... . and hopefully a real eyeopener too. She needs consequences to her actions. The nights she didn't come home and did what she wanted regardless of curfew are catching up with her now... . don't try and cushion the blow or protect her... . she needs to feel the full weight of what she has done.

How old is your dd again? I am not sure how she can refuse RTC?

I know sometimes things get worse before they get better... . I feel this is what is going on for your family... . at least she is safe... I do hope things get better for you all but until then you are doing the right thing

She turned 14 September 7th.

I know this is for the best. But it's just a natural instinct to want to protect her... .

raytamtay

How she can refuse help at the age of 14?

jellibeans,

In a lot of states children at age 14 are considered to be in charge of their mental health.  We cannot hospitalize them (unless they are committed against their will and that requires a judge and it's really hard to do without suicidal intent) or put them in rtf unless they are willing to sign themselves in.

From my understanding here in PA there was recently a clarification made in this law.  The intent of the law was that 14 and old could seek mental health treatment without parental consent.  The interpretation originally was that parents cannot consent for them.  I believe the new interpretation is now that either the parent or the child can consent.

Raytam, please check that out.  That has only happened within the past year.  DD tried to sign herself out of rtf and just as we were all readying ourselves for a hearing, the rtf legal person told us about the clarification and that dd could not sign herself out without my consent.

I hope you are right Crazed... . that doesn't seem to be very helpful for parents if they can't get the help for their child... . please let us know!

As if our story couldn’t get more interesting! I hope you all are sitting down for this one. I’m glad I was when I heard the news!

So, Tuesday night I get a knock at the door. It turns out to be child protective services. I’m thinking oh great. What now?   They proceed to tell me that they are investing a situation that occurred over the weekend that involved DD.  

Child protective services were investigating a home in Pennsauken, NJ and the adult whom resides there (the mother) and a juvenile.  As a result, the juvinile was removed.  

When they went in to the home, they found two females hiding in a closet (DD and her friend).  Because they did not appear to be from the area, DD having substances on her and because they appeared to be under the influence, and in addition, the environment appeared to be an ORGY setting, the Pennsauken PD was called.  DD and her friend gave fictitious names. Why DD was not arrested if she had “substances” on her is beyond me!

CPS said that they had two cases going on for DD. The alleged sexual assault and the incident that occurred in Pennsauken.  And the only reason they even tied the two cases together (because remember, DD used a fictitious name for the Pennsauken incident) was because when they were discussing our address in Gloucester County, someone recognized our address and said there was someone  who lives there with the same first name (DD’s) but the last names didn’t match!

CPS said not only did DD14 give her wrong last name, but she also said she was 17.

So her credibility at this point is beyond questionable stated the investigator assigned to her for the assault allegation.  In addition, the investigator told me he spoke to her friend last night, and friend said how they do know the girl whose house they went to. DD said she never met her before…

My DH and I just looked at each other Wednesday night and were like WOW! I literally feel like I am in the twilight zone!

DD called me last night demanding I drop off shampoo and conditioner to her between the hours of 8:00 am – 4:00 pm.  I told her I can’t. I have to work.  Apparently she has only been using water to wash her hair because they don’t supply it. I did say I would try (but I can’t get there due to work and getting DS to and from school).  She said there is no trying. That she needs it. Then she asked if I got her partner in crime’s address so she can write her. At this point, I’m not going to give it to her so they can collaborate their stories. I said no, that I asked her friend for it via text and she never responded. She TOLD me to drive past her house and get. She was very agitated and barking orders at me. Nope, sorry…



PS: CPS told me if I would have gotten them involved with DD, they would have had her placed in an RTC within a week! Dammit!

raytamtay

Will CPS now get involved? Your dd14 is totally our of control... . it is scary to say the least... .

When my dd16 was in RTC she would call and bark orders to me too... . i really saw this as her need to have some control over something since she was locked up and really had no say in anything. Be careful not to let the guilt pull you into this trap. I really have a hard time believing they don't have shampoo.

What is your next step?

CPS said that they don't think that they would be able to come in to the process now because there are so many layers going on (Case management, therapists, court system, detention).

So I just wait until Feb. 25 at this point.

You poor thing!  Wow I'm so amazed your head is still on straight. 

Just a FYI, they are legally required to provide soap, shampoo and toothpaste.  Your dd may not like the brand but she does have shampoo.

-crazed

Raytam

Holy Moly. 

Even tho they cannot intercede at this point, I trust the report from CPS would and should be available to the judge on Feb 25.  That is the least they can do, and that information is vital.

Since she is 14, can you get a copy of their case report if they do not provide one to the court?

I am sorry for all you are going through.  This really "seals the deal" that your dd is in need of a major intervention.

I asked DD's father to bring her the shampoo and conditioner since he is off today, which he just did. I did confirm the the facility that they provide shampoo, but that it's of a low quality.

raytam,

Yikes! It only gets better, doesn't it... .  

I would also try to get in touch with the CPS again and inform myself on what they can do for you as a parent and what they can do for dd in general - so you are informed for the future, if you ever need their help in the future.

And if you decide to do that - would you let us know what they say?

I feel horrible today, but last night I didn't.  I blew off her calls... . I actually thought she'd call her father considering he brough her the toiletries. I know why she is calling me. It's to get the partner in crimes' address to write her. Honestly I was going to take her call if she called back the 5th time and just tell her straight out that until the investigation is concluded, I will not be giving her the friend's address. I know it is going to result in her cursing me out and/or hanging up on me. The beauty of it is, I can get away from it now.

I gotta tell you. The mood in the house is so calm and "normal". It's so nice leaving our bedroom door open instead of deadbolted, my handbag laying out, etc. I forgot how great peace feels!  

I'll tell you one thing though. I'm stress eating like crazy! And I haven't been to the gym in over a month! Not a good combo! I got to get myself back into it now that things are calm. Plus it makes me feel better all around.

raytamtay

Take some time for yourself... . do what you want and don't put any pressure on yourself that is unneccessary. Enjoy the peace and quiet. I can remember those times so well and how nice it is not to have to lock up everything sharp in my house or just be on edge waiting. thinking of you and hoping to can truly enjoy this time.

DD14 called me again last night asking for addresses again. I told her until the investigation is done. I didnt think it a good idea. She said she wants to drop the investigation. She started crying asking why i want to make her suffer. I said im not trying to make her suffer. (DH said I should have said its her whose making herself suffer). I asked her if there was anything she wanted to tell me. I told her how child welfare stopped by and whats this about her giving her last name as smalls. She said she didnt know what i was talking about. Then said how she doesnteven want to call me mom. I said then stop calling me. She cried asking if thats what i want. I saidno, but sounds lime its what she wants. My mom talked to her some too. DD said some girl there  got jumped, how awful the food is, etc. Question do they read mail? Should i give her the partner in crime's address? Typung from my phobe without reading classes so forgive any typos.

Also, today is.visitation. i asked her if she wanted meto come. She said no but she qants to see her brother. If im.allowed to, do u think i shoukd.bring a six.year old.there? And if not, shoukd i still go? Anyone know if u are allowed to brung anyrhing

Hi Raytam,

I don't think a 6 year old would be allowed.  Even if he were I don't think I'd bring him at this time.  No, do not go anyway.  Take some advice from a hard earned lesson.  DD did not want me to visit her in the hospital.  I wanted to be supportive and show her that I was there and that I cared.  I went to 3 visits and sat across the room from her not talking to me.  I was so sad sitting there crying by myself.  Let her be.  She's safe and looked after.  She's mad.  Take this time to take care of yourself and the rest of the family.

raytam

I do not think your six year old needs to visit his sister in jail. I think I would just stay home as well if she has stated she doesn't want you to come. No use forcing something... . she will come around.

Raytam

Please do not take your son to jail.  It could be traumatic for him.  One of the consequences of misbehaving is not getting everything you want, and this is a lesson dd must learn.

How about taking your son to the LEGO movie and having some fun?  I hear it is "Awesome".  Spend some quality time with him.  My 35 year old nephew cannot wait to take his 7 year old stepson... . I am not sure who wants to see the movie more.  Hahaha.  it would certainly lighten your mood.

Raytam, step back and focus your love an attention on others in your immediate family.  :)D is safe and there is nothing you can do to change her circumstances.  She did this to herself.

raytamtay,

I agree with others, do not bring your 6 year old there.  And, stay home and take care of yourself.  She will be fine. 

I am sorry about CPS not being able to help you with getting her into rtc now.  Hopefully, the report from CPS  going to the judge will help land her into rtc, soon!

Hang in there!

peace  

Raytam,

I just wanted to answer the address question.  This is the time that you can finally be completely in charge of what is and what isn't good for your dd.  Is her having that address good for her?  Is this person a positive or even semi-positive force in her life?  The answer to that question will give you the answer about the address.

No six-year old should be taken for a jail visit.  Even telling your son his sister is in jail could be traumatic for him.  I don't believe your DD wants to see her brother anyway; she just wants to manipulate you by saying she doesn't want YOU but wants her little brother instead. 

I would also let her know that if she rages at you from jail or tries to manipulate you, insult you, or lie to you that you will not tolerate it and that you will hang up.  And then hang up when she won't respect those boundaries.  Your daughter has to learn that there are consequences.  ODD/BPD or not, she can't keep getting away with her behavior.  Hopefully, she is beginning to see the truth in that.   

I didnt go. I already had planned to take DS6 to The Lego Movie in 3D. That doesnt have anything to do with not going tbough. We had fun. Its all aboht him now. He's missed out long.enough. we had fun DH, DS and me.

Raytam

Was the movie as awesome as they say?  I bet your son enjoyed it and the undivided attention.  Sounds like a good time was had by all.

I also agree with not giving her addresses - last thing she needs is contact with those bad influences.  My dd did same thing when initially incarcerated then again when she went to RTC - she actually had names of jails that 3 of her friends were in and handed me letters to send them and asked me to look up the street address of the jails and send them for her when I transported her from juve to rtc.

They went in the trash, she asked me once if I sent them and I feel bad I did lie about saying I did but that was back in November and she's never asked again.  She now, 3 months later, couldn't care less about those friends or those letters so it's water under the bridge.

It's going to be a rollercoaster of emotions between now and her discharge to an RTC and I suspect that will continue.

On a visit to my DD this weekend she spoke to all the families visiting kids at a multi-family process group to explain she'd never thanked me or her mom for placing her in RTC and for all I had done to save her life and how grateful she was she had the opportunity to get where she is.  On a pass she told me how she used to try to rotate between being nice to me, guilt and anger to try to get her away and when one didn't work she conscientiously would try to get her way moving to the next. She asked if I realized she would do that and I said yes I did but your mother often got confused and wrapped up in it. So figured I'd pass on that tidbit to you that she will try playing nice, playing mean, playing guilt, and you name it.  She will do everything in her power to try to talk you out of continuing this process.  Stay strong you're doing a wonderful job.  My DD is nowehere near being "recovered" and still has a long road but recovery does happen and she may very well thank you down the road no matter what she says now.

She called me last night, but I was in the shower. She only tried twice this time.  If she calls tonight I will ask her if she wants me to visit her tomorrow (DS is with his dad this week).

Been following your story also and know how helpless you must feel in all of this.  I live in PA and it has always been my understanding that dd (who is now age 16) had total control of her mental health services once she turned 14 (therapy and medications).  Regardless of age, she did NOT have control when we took her to the ER and had her placed for psych eval.  Then because it was a medical recommendation that she be placed in the RTF, she was unable to sign herself out.  I asked our family therapist at the RTF if any of the kids were able to sign themselves out and was told no because they would have no clients if that were the case    When DD was in placement, she would play the same games with the phone calls and our visits.  We got to a point that dd knew if she started yelling or being demanding with us, we hung up the phone.  At her facility, phone calls were monitored by staff so if there was a heated conversation, the staff usually called and followed up with us.  Also, DD had a tendency to try and control family therapy sessions.  She always wanted us to take her on an outing after a session. We did sometimes, but it was usually just a walk around campus or a trip to the local dollar store for personal items.  I remember prior to one session, she was set on us taking her for ice cream after therapy.  Well, during therapy, she got angry and stormed out of the room.  After giving her an opportunity for a cool down, therapist tried to get her to come back to our session.  NOT happening she said, but she still wanted to be taken out for ice cream.  She was told no and husband and I walked away listening to her screaming the whole time.  It wa hard to do but we also knew that we were not the ones dealing with the fallout of being told no.  Hang in there.

DD didn't call her dad nor me last night. We are wondering if she moved up a level to be able to reach out to friends (only has the number of one whom we approve of, although she may give DD the ones we don't approve of). Or she was dropped down a level for misbehaviour. I tend to think the former. I may call today to see what's up.  I have to call anyway as I do plan on making a visit tonight. We'll see how that goes.

I also left a message for the detective to see if there have been any new developments. He is very forthcoming with information. He even said in the event CPS calls me, to tell them to call him because I've been more than cooperative.

For some reason, I am really nervous to see DD tonight! I really miss her. It's starting to hit me now.  :'(

That is understandable... . for me I was afraid of the raging... . just keep it light and if she starts to rage then end it... . put that boundary in place and walk away. You will be fine... . she misses you too!

I just wrote her a letter. I haven't been able to bring myself to write until today. I just found out I have to mail it though. They won't let me give it to her tonight.

Raytam

Just breathe... . deep breaths.  Are you expecting trouble tonight because she has not called? 

Do not look for negatives, be positive.

Good advice from jellibeans.  If things get nasty, just leave. 

I don't like conflict. Period.

Getting the letter in the mail will make more of an impact I am sure. Stay positive and validate like crazy! Walk away without anger if she begins to rage. She will be testing you but I also think she misses you and will be glad to see you.  

So I walked into the center last night and when my DD saw me, she mumbled something and had a look of disgust on her face. She told me she thought it was her father visiting.

After about 5 minute of warm up, she lightened up and we starting talking about random things and it was a nice visit. The only time she got loud was when I told her I had to sell the Miley Cyrus tickets I had won off of a radio station to help pay for the cost of the lawyer. She banged her fist on the table and then looked over at the guard who was watching and immediately changed the subject.

She said that she is trying to "be good" there because after so many days of it, she would move up to a different level and be able to make phone calls to friends, have friends visit and order out food.

She looked great! The redness under her eyes is gone. Her complexion is clear. And even her hair looked great. I made sure to tell her this.

She said that she wanted to tell me something that I'm probably not going to want to hear. I said go on. She said that one of the girls there mentioned how she was at a transitional living place and how she would like to go there. I told her that it was actually one of the goals of her CM. She really perked up after that. I told her that first she will have to go to a residential treatment center and we can try to get her transitioned to such a place. She was very receptive to the idea. And even agreed that a RTC is a step she needed to take in this process.

Only one other time did she get aggigated. And that was when she brought up her lawyer. She said she does not want him anymore. Said that she fired him. And that she has that right because she is his client. I gently told her that he s now part of the process and that I pay for him, not her. Again she changed the subject when she realized she was getting aggigated again.

So it wasn't a bad visit at all. I did ask her if she wants me to come again Saturday and she said only if her dad doesn' come. I suspect it's because he is going to give her her friend's addressses. I'm willing to bet money on it!

good signs! baby steps... . this seems to be just what she needed. Isn't it amazing how they can control their emotions when they want something. My dd was always planning and plotting while in RTC... . she ran away too once she reached a level of freedom there... . oh those were the days! I think that is was a very positive visit... . I hope you are feeling more confident in your decision... . |iiii

That's awesome news!

It's amazing how quickly they realize they want the help.  I found with my DD she wanted it the real fear tended to be her fear of failing at recovery and she has always said she feels she is  "crazy" and fears that feeling will never change.  The result is she has always resisted treatment because she feared failing at recovery.

So like jellibeans said, "baby steps" there will be many good and tough days ahead for the process but remind yourself along the way of progress.  This is the time to make some time for yourself in this process now that you have a break - take some of that break for yourself and enjoy some of it.

 I found this time in process I went through with my DD headed to RTC was when I really put my head into some invaluable books and resources on how I could effectively communicate with her, validation skills and understanding dbt skills.  Even if she doesn't learn them anytime soon being able to learn little tidbits on communication and validation is priceless during the process.

Here's a link to some good info that has a little audio presentation worth listening to:

The basic principles behind Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2011/04/untangling-internal-struggles-of.html)

And if I haven't suggested it I always highly recommend reading:

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder by Valerie Porr (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128777.0)

I dropped of more shampoo and conditioner to DD this morning on my way to work. I don't get to see her or anything. I left it with the front desk.  :)H wasn't too thrilled I did this. He feels she should have to ruff it in there. Well it made me feel good so. I wrote a note on a sticky "Happy Valentine's Day dd. I love you"!

Anyway Happy Valentine's Day to you all!    

Happy Valentines Day to you too!  

DD called me Saturday night highly aggitated. She told me how she is having problems with some of the other girls in the center. My DD has brass balls let me tell you! . I honestly don't know where she gets it from as I have never had them! Her father is Italian and while he is all bark and no bite, his side of the family are tough. Anyway, she doesn't care how big you are, how old you are or how tough you are. She will never back down. I'm a bit afraid of this being where she is. I know some other girl recently got jumped. It's all stemming from her hair. She has hair down to the middle of her back and she sheds. So some of the girls have been making comments about it. I told my DD to just put it in a ponytail but she refuses saying their just going to have to deal. While her attitude can be very detrimental at this age, I do believe that it will serve her well in the future so long as you curves it a bit. I admire her for it. I was always a push over. And let me tell you, I'd probably roll over if I were in the position! !

Anyway, so she was very snippy with me and it got to one point where I reinforced that she needs some help and that I will do whatever it takes to get her that help. She went off about what type of mother I am for sending her DD there and how "EVERYONE" says they would never do that to their child blah-blah-blah. So I asked then why does she keep calling me? She said because she wants me to drop stuff off for her. I said so let me get this straight. You are going to sit here on the phone and be disrespectful to me and still expect me to drop stuff off for you? Well it doesn't work that way. She was talking over me so I said I was hanging up and did so.

Sunday night she called me again. Only this time she appologized!   My DD hardly ever appologizes. Now while I'm sure it's because she wants me to drop off the stuff to her, I still appreciate it. And I told her I did. She told me that she was very aggigated and I was the only one she could take it out on. I told her I get that and I do understand, but to please try and refrain from doing that. I told her I know she is frusterated. But that things can and will improve.

Then she started talking about RTC again. Again seeming very accepting of it. However she sdaid she's just going for three months. Hey, it's a start right? Even my DH was very impressed with her attitude last nighht. I had her on speaker. Baby steps.  The only thing that bothers me some is when I tellher I love her, she doesn't reciprocate. But I understand that too. She's angry. And that's ok. She's allowed to be.

I would say that was pretty good on both your parts. I am glad you stood your ground and hung the phone. 

haha let her sign those papers.  It's funny how the kids HAVE to sign themselves in but once they get there it's a whole other game getting out

Sounds like there are definite baby steps and any progress is good progress - it's a roller coaster ride and can be so painful - truly admire all the effort you've put into getting her help and hopefully the right help and treatment is around the corner for your DD and for your family.

So I apologize in advance because I don't want to derail the thread and I'm about to be long winded on one sentence of your post…. 

The reciprocating was something I really struggled with myself.  Our DD had an aversion to showing love and affection from about age 8 (theres a long story tied into it but I'll save some of my long windedness).  She literally refused to give me a hug from age 8 and about 4 weeks ago I got the first hug I've gotten from her since she was 8 (and had to hold back tears to avoid making a spectacle of it so I keep getting them). Likewise, sometime between 8 and 10 she also stopped saying I love you back to us.  It was sometime last fall when she was able to say "I love you too" to me.  Even after that it's few and far between.

What I've come to learn though is I think the reality of it had nothing to do with us, it had to do with loving herself.  I believe now that she was feeling so much shame and so much guilt and self loathing that if she gives those emotions she feels a stronger connection and believes she will inevitably screw it up and lose us.  So for all these years I perceived her snubbing me by not giving me a hug or saying I love you when in fact she was trying to protect herself from showing her love. I believe In her mind avoiding emotion is easier then feeling it and if she doesn't say it or show it perhaps she won't have to feel it.  There's a whole lot of self-loathing going on with BPD and often we think actions are directed at us when they are truly directing those actions at themselves rather then us.

Just something that caught my eye as it was always something that hurt for me and I always was bothered yet knew if I made a big deal of it she'd never come around.  Good news is they are now limited hugs and not like she comes jumping into the air declaring her love and excitement to show affection but she does occasionally say I love you and she now kinda sheepishly allows me to give her a hug when I see her.  So keep the faith and hopefully having a different perspective on a possible reason why she might not be reciprocating might make one piece of this stressful and trying time in your life a little more tolerable.

 

Very insightful crumbling dad.  I had not looked at it that way. Something to really ponder

I'm a very affectionate mother. Up until about 3 months ago, my DD was too. She use to crave affection in that she'd come up randomly and hug me or have to sit real close to me on the couch. That's definetly decreased signficantly. While I do miss it, I understand.

I went to the library last night and took out a book she asked for. I had planned on going to the center this morning and dropping off the stuff she requested but because of the snow (3" and considering it's all back roads to get there and are unplowed, I never made it. I expect her to be irritated when she calls asking where here stuff is.

My DD is going to get her butt kicked at this center! She is fighting with all the other inmates. She yelled to them while I was on the phone with her just now to "shut up! Can't you see I'm on the phone". Then one got up like she was going to hit her and the girl got a time out.

She told me the evaluator came today also and that they said she doesn't need to go to an RTC. That she is going to fight it and have her do outpatient. Do you think that's true?

Is the evaluator from insurance? or where? If it is from insurance then yes I beleive her... . I think it is very hard to get insurance compamies to pay for RTC... .

Sound like your daughter is at the same place as mine was... . I remember the yelling to shut up... . oh the memories. I think she is learning some valueable lessons where she is and one might me to keep her mouth shut! 

Is there a way you can talk to someone to find out the real story?

I don't know that this would be true - depends on who this "evaluator" is.

If it's insurance it's possible but be sure you are prepared to appeal such a decision (most insurance plans allow you to appeal) if any such thing occurs.

No, the judge had ordered a drug and alchol (sp?) Eval. I had one set up for Feb. 25, but considering she got incarcerated beforehand, the judge said she'd get.it in the detention center. And, in addition, undergo the phyc eval there as well. So I believe.it was the.former she.had done. She said.she wanted to tell me in person so she coukd see my face... . also asked if I'm going to fight it... . Anyway, there was an accident on the main road I take home from work which had.me stuck in traffic for a half hour longer than shoukd have, so I never made the visir tonight. Which of course.caused much anxiousness on my part, She.still effects me like that. And I kmow its not right to compare, but I still feel like I'm with her father in that I have.so muxh anxiety when it.comes.to her and her anticipated wrath. Its horrible how I allow a 14 year old child toc affect me like.this! She.still barks comands, and I still jump! Whats wrong with me! Im even considering making my son late for school to drop off her requested.supplies! Talk me down people... . Im on my.third.glass of wine, which is unlike me during the week, just.to cope!

Congratulations Raytam,

You stood your ground and dd is learning better behaviors!


I am not sure what the truth is here, but I would definitely NOT let her know I was worried about it, or discuss it in depth... . It could change the course of her behavior even now if she thinks she will 'get off easy' and be out soon... .

Raytam

You need to speak to someone who really knows what is happening with your dd.  Until you hear from someone in authority, take what she says with a grain of salt.  She may be toying with you or she may be telling you what she WANTS to happen, and that does not make it so.  As the parents of a minor, I would think you would be informed about any changes in her treatment plan, especially anything done as an outpatient.

Third glass of wine?  OK... . take a deep breath and see what you can find out for certain tomorrow. Be persistent until you get some factual answers.  In the meantime, stop letting your dd14 control your emotions. She has to learn that she cannot snap her fingers and demand you respond, and you cannot control the weather or traffic accidents.  Stop feeling guilty.

It sounds as if you are doing all you can and she is manipulating. Remember wBPD nothing is ever enough.  Get some facts and go from there.  In the meantime, calm down before you make yourself sick.  She is safe and being cared for.  

Try to get some rest.

I can sit here and try to justify my actions by saying that she got herself up to honors at the place and so deserves some extra treatment on my part, but the truth is, I'm still a pushover when it comes to her! I ended up taking the supplies to her this morning. And it caused my son to be an hour late for school and me an hour late for work. We would have made it if once again we weren't stuck behind another bad accident. I was cursing myself out the whole ride there - of course under my breath as DS was present. Grrr... . I hate myself sometimes.

Your daughter is a master manipulator.  So she doesn't like the shampoo in the dentention facility?  She made the choice to end up there.  So she can't get along with the other girls there?  Again, she's where she is because of her own behavior.  So she demands that you give her addresses of her friends or bring her little brother there to visit?  She's locked up for her own safety and the safety of others.  She is not in a position to call the shots.  I would bet there are people at that facility that she wouldn't dream of trying to manipulate because she knows they won't tolerate it.  She continues to manipulate you, though, because experience tells her she can get away with it.   

Why jump to conclusions over her comment about the evaluator?  Why get upset over her comment that "everyone" thinks you are in the wrong for putting her in dentention?  You have said yourself that your DD lies constantly. 

You are your daughter's number one advocate.  You love her and know that she is very ill.  You have fought hard to get her the help she needs. You can't stop her from lying to you, but you can stop allowing her to manipulate you. 

Your daughter is half the age of mine.  I admire you for doing all you've done to get her some help for her issues.  I wish I had fought harder to get my daughter into therapy.  But I see a very long road in front of you if you don't change your own part in this dynamic very soon. 

I know. And you are 100% right. The cylce has got to end. And it begins with me.

Raytam

You can do this!

Tough love IS love, and you are much stronger than you think. Beating yourself up serves absolutely NO purpose and helps no one.  Let it go. 

Fortunately, every day is a chance to begin anew.  Today is the day.

Good for you Ray! Yes, the change can begin with you. That is how it worked for us. When I changed my behaviors, actions etc. that is when my d. started to change. It was hard work, but so very worth it.

*mod*

We've reached the four-page limit on this topic, so it is locked.  Feel free to start another thread.