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... . and she will be out of the house. I know she was doing stuff for the move all weekend, but she's hardly spent any time with the kids the past day since she's been back from out of state. She ctriticised me this morning for nit doing D1's hair fr church, whipped out a quick pony tail and said, "good thing you have a mommy," I was, of course, standing right there. I witheld commentary. The pony tail came out anyway by the time we got there. D1 is a very pretty girl with a sparkling personality (on the X chromosome she got from me, probably). She does look cuter with her hair done up, but no one really cares. If they do, then I don't.

T-24x came back later, then left again for two hours. Months to plan this and all of a sudden, forgot she had no sheets for the new beds. Reminded me about something I was supposed to get notarized last week, an affidavit saying we're sharing joint custody... I looked, but everyone was closed Sunday. I called a mobile one to come over. T-24x was annoyed, like we needed to clean the house. Criticized me for spending $20 to have them come, as if the $10-12K I have lost over her big BPD tantrum/extinction burst these past months was nothing. I could do it in the morning, but with kids in tow, and her needing it before noon to go sign papers, I know how that script would go. Got a little pissy when the [young, hot] notary arrived, as she had her laundry scattered sorting on the floor. Could have started it this morning. Could have done the bulk before she left on her trip. No. Everything last minute, and who gets the heat for such things, and always did? Again, I witheld any editorializing.

Read a bit by myself, almost fell asleep. She dud interact with D1 a bit, but our daughter went to her. I broke up a sibling fight, then played with S4. No toys, just us and our irreverence. My kids are hilarious. D1 even got involved and was doing sneak attacks on us (I taught her to be an attack baby). Started crying a little as I wrote that... . why?

I read to the kids, got S4 ready for bed. T-24x bathed D1 and put her down. I sang to S4 and said our prayers, even for his mommy, as someone at church reminded me to do today. Ok, it was sincere. Kissed D1 goodnight after she finished her milk. She was falling asleep, but was happy I came to kiss her goodnight.

The day after tomorrow, I have to present to a suit from headquarters. My grace period over this has run out. Lucky I whipped a presentation together a few hours before I took off for the week looked at it today, but I usually just wing it. I need to refocus. I loved this week. I could certainly be a stay at home dad (sugar mamas, ping me, I'm all into validation and being codependent!).

Tomorrow may be drama, but I hope not. No exit speeches. I hate the anger in my heart. Its not who I am. To a certain extent, I changed who I was for this r/s... . and I didn't as well. I'll leave both of those things behind me. No Turkish 2.0, just a reboot to clean out those floating point errors. I'm disgusted at myself for a lot of what I did over the past six years, and I've found what she has done disgusting (she thinks hidden from me, but never mess with a guy who has 30 IQ points and more significantly isn't emotionally disordered, little was hidden from me). No recycles, and I only give it a 10% chance she might try, but I will see it for what it is: fake, and just a need for validation.

Now, to deal with the coming reality of she having to deal with the kids without me physically present for support. I can't fight the future, nor can anyone. I hope for the best, but will be planning for the worst. Valuing one's self is possible without devaluing others. Demonstrate love, not fear, and things will get better, they surely will.

Aw Turkish,

Tough times, but your humor remains. :) It's a must. Keep your children and your irreverence close, and keep hoping for that sugar mama  

You're gonna be great. And I'm glad you took the high road on all the ex's sniping at you. Doesn't matter what she says, people who know you already know what sort of person you are and that's what they love, right? You're the one making the relationships with your kids and with others, let the petty remarks roll off.

Thinking of you tomorrow.

Hey Turkish - Just wanted to tell you that I said a prayer for you and the kids this morning.

You are very strong.

Hugs,

L

It reads as if you have come to accept the situation! You come accros as calm and steady. You manage wel Turkish! 

Childeren are the best when it comes down to pure and sincere emotions.

Wishing you wisdom and peace for the days to come.

 Thank you ladies,  and thanks for the prayer.  every one helps... .

she is almost manically happy this morning.  good for her.  saw some video she had up yesterday,  about forgetting about a relationship.  very healthy!  yes,  detach from me please.  and go.

I know that stings a bit and you also realize that mood can change on a dime.

Sending you good thoughts today... . you will get through it and there will be waves of new emotions for you... . but this really is the beginning of your new normal - and you will have some calm.

Peace,

SB

She was watching motivational videos last night,  some scenes from  Rocky also.  She's so unstable,  but I'll give her credit for trying in her own way.  it's in my best interest and that of the kids to let her leave as gracefully as possible.

Mine was the same before he left Turkish.

So unstable, that I spoke not one word to him. Made sure that kids did not come home that night... . As soon as he cleared out the locksmith was there, and the locks were changed immediately.

I felt peace for the first time in 3 months.

L

she said last week she wanted to keep a  key.  . I  anyway rekeyed the locks last year,  don't want to pay again.  luckily the alarm system trumps that.  well drop in a  keypad lock this weekend all the same... . soo  much stuff she is leaving. I  guess it will be theraputic to get rid of it soon.

Turkish, it will be hard at times, but you're strong. Being there for your kids is the best thing you can do. You've expressed worries about if she'll be there for them as much, when not with you, and for all of you I hope so. You just do the best you can, ok? There will be peace in your home after she's gone. Please find some comfort in that, and use the time to continue moving forward. Grieve and let it go.

She's putting on a costume right now, turning herself into someone else so she doesn't have to face the person she really is. You are taking yours off to be who you really are. Who benefits most?

Deep breaths. Look for what is good. Believe in yourself. You can do this.

Thank you.  costume,  yes... .   covers everything,  but just a mask.  she left 5  hours ago and not even one text to see if the kids are ok,  unlike the last two days. I  bet she is really stressed out.  my boss called,  thought I'd be in today. I  have a stack of jobs waiting for me.  took kids to park,  store.  good day so far.  not looking forward to when she returns. I  don't she will be able to get eveything out today. i guess I may have to trust her with the keys one more day.

"She's putting on a costume right now, turning herself into someone else so she doesn't have to face the person she really is. You are taking yours off to be who you really are. Who benefits most?"


Turkish - What "myself" wrote above is so, so true.

My ex husband changed his name, changed jobs, and is changing wife #3 (me) for wife #4. It's just another act. Another one of his personas because he does not have a self.

Your wife is doing the same. Putting on an "act" so she can get through this. She can't face herself, just like my ex can't face himself.

You are the strong one here.

bless you today... .

L

lol Mine too, not two nights ago. The day she was leaving our home for the "trial" separation, I asked her for her set of keys as she was leaving in the evening. She got pretty upset at that... tried to give me reasons why she should have a key including something along the lines of "As their mother, I have the right to... . ". I almost wanted to say As their mother, you had the right to be faithful to their father! Arghh!

Hang in their Turkish. Your posts have been inspiring to many of us including me (I am in a very similar situation). It gets better. This is my day three without the stbxw in the house and it already feels so much better. Now if only my hurt back fixes itself and I can start going to gym again, the rest of the month should be a breeze.

The key game - I remember those fun times... . my ex and her replacement had a key to my house... . I rekeyed it.

A couple legal aspects to be aware of - if your stbex is on any legal document - they are entitled to a key unless it is spelled out in a separation agreement.

However, if your keys were to get lost and you had to have it rekeyed, you might forget to tell her... .

nope.  except for a  joint account,  we have no legal ties.  one of her friends did get into her head admit went she was never on the house. I  never trusted her fully and if we were married, a  moot point anyway. I  transferred her off the  utilities  two weeks ago and put them in my name. i   just need to tread carefully until the custody stipulation is signed. as long as shes busy with boy toy, she wont pull anything. i think she knows i know everything anyway, and it probably afraid of it getting out. she does respect me after a fashion, but that waxes and wanes.

I was thinking about you today Turkish and when the time was coming and it looks like it has arrived.

You are the epitome of grace under pressure.

sounds like you've managed everything really well while keeping even emotionally. brilliant work.

Thanks, M and m. She came back to get more stuff. She won't finsh tonight, so she'll do it tomorrow after she comes by to get the kids... . or watch them here while she finishes. I have no choice. I absolutely cant.miss another day of work... One of her brothers is here to help, though I did load one table. He gave me a sympathetic look and asked how I was doing. I shrugged and said ok. I'll have a chance to talk to hm later about keeping an eye on the emotional state of S4. I hinted at it a few months ago, probably not necessary to repeat it.  Almost like she doesn't want my help, though she is friendly. Whatever. I'm watchng the kids anyway. Things are, of course, more cluttered now. She may clean tomorrow like she said, not necessary. Told her to take her large mirror in the living room. She said she wanted to leave t to watch over the kids (some cultural superstition thing), and one more little control. I told her I was going to take it down no matter what (she brought it with her into the r/s, don't want it), so she said she'd take it...

She left 5 hours ago. I know she is busy setting things up, and will be eatching the kids tomorrow, but its almost 9pm, and she never called to wish them good night. Not even a text checking if they are ok (of course they are, but  she's been doing the check in texts as of late. She rushed out the door earlier, barely said bye to them. In her mind, she's a good mom if she spends some quality time with them (which it is when she does), and now it will be half time in between when she is medicating to her little borderline hearts desires. S4 asked more questions tonight when he noticed a lot of her stuff gone. I explained his "new house" he wants to go there. I hope he doesn't like it so much he doesn't want to come back. I'm not crying, I'm not even sad right now, just resigned to this fate I chose. Why, after a major rage and devaluation, did I pop the question to her almost 5 years ago when I should have just showed her the ring, then tossed it into the nearby pond and pronounced us done? When I have time, I'll post the whole anatomy of this r/s to the PI board. Id rather be a monk for the last 30-40 years of my life than to ever do something so foolish like this again.

She cleared all of her stuff off of the bathroom hutch... . except for one of her journals. I guess she did and does want me to read it. Or she is leaving that part behind. Or is so disordered that it slipped her mind. Who knows? I'm certainly not going to ask. We'll see if she leaves her other journal on the couch after she cleans out tomorrow... .

Congratulations, Turk.

Your true healing can now begin.

I have followed your journey on these boards for the last 7 weeks.

I am happy for you and your kids.  I don't know how you did it, man.

You are a better man than me.

Arn

Arn, you have it WAY tougher than me, with the family Triangulation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0) and enabling, and them keeping your kid. I honestly don't know what I would do in that situation. Keep focused on your son and it will get better. The empty person on the other side of the equation never will,. Count on it.

It's a tragic event Turk. Your going to be feeling a lot of things. Your going to cry, miss her, feel angry, feel the loss. Don't be hard on yourself Turk about the ring. You did it for your reasons then. I have followed your posts for some time. You are an intelligent, compassionate, caring man and father. I'm sorry this happened Turk.

Turkish, how you doing my friend? I'm embarking on another adventure. Travelling across these good ol United States of America. Heading slowly south. Going to go jump on my hog. Going to stick it in the wind and stay on it for days or weeks, I don't care. Freedom brother. Ill stop in and have a beer with ya, thinking about you. Just drove through Yellowstone. Got a lady friend with me. Fricking blizzard so bad couldn't see $hit. Good times. The wilder the better. Be in warmer climates in a day or two. Love this new freedom. This is what you have in front of you... . Peace and happiness.

That's awesome. If you make it to somewhere near SFO, ping me. I have room all of a sudden... . I have a Ninja, but its a ride all the same.

Frisco just happens to be on my list

Cool, I'm a little south (Silicon Valley), but let me know. I installed a Li-ion battery on the bike I hardly ever ride, but its good to go, unless I have the kids that time, but they are pretty entertaining... .

Got a bro in sac. I think a plan is coming together

Cool. My kids come first, but with suficient warning, I could deal. If a no kid weekend, no problem. Or even weekdays. Still got tons of vacation time.

How are you holding on Turkish?

Journals?

'The trouble with trouble is it starts out as fun'

Ugh, bin it

More torture lays within

You seem on point about your situation. It's a struggle!

You've got guts

Changing

Hi Turkish

I am late here - what a special moment in your life! 

I am very impressed the way you handled it. You will find more peace now.

And more time for swimming and biking... .

why, after i'd seen quite clear signs, did i not call the minister and tell him to postpone the wedding, as i had the inkling to do? there are may reasons we went into marriage turkish. when we were on the altar i looked straight into her eyes and gave my vow without a millisecond's hesitation. people came up to me afterwards and said they'd never seen a man so composed on the altar. yet i had worries then, and look at my situation now. who knows all the things that go into it?

in other words, examine your decision (later) but don't berate yourself for it.

Turkish - good job man, seriously.  I've followed you for quite some time now and you have just done an amazing job!

As for your marriage considerations... . dude, I get it.  I remember driving home from the rehearsal dinner with my son in the back seat, thinking to myself, "this is a horrible idea".  I just had this nagging feeling that I was getting ready to mess both of our lives up by bringing her in... .

Turns out I was right.


I have a few more weeks here until the final hearing; hopefully she will be clearing out soon.

Your posts are so important to a lot of us - I'll be thinking of you!

Oh my, this is the question isn't it. The moment we realize things are going to go bad but we still make the wrong decision against our own better judgment. I also had a couple of chances to escape and knew that would have been the best decision, and instead I asked her to move in with me or something equally morbid. I still really cannot grasp what was going on in my head then. Logic, intuition and feelings were misaligned by the FOG.

Keep up the good work Turkish.

T plus 24 hours and her stuff is still not out! Can't really tell if she did much at all today,.but she had the kids... the reality of a day as a single mom. She has to work the next two days,.I have the kids Friday,.and then she all weekend, where my buddy is coingb to help.paint and do other stuff. This could go on another week.

Never listen to Turkish, no, who could see this coming and gently suggested she start packing three weeks ago. Do I exist just to ,make life convenient for her? Feel the anger .again... . must. Lower. Expectations... I want my key and alarm control back.

Felt good going into work earlier, but when she called and said she didn't get much done, I left early. Then I get home to an unchanged house, even with kid food residue left, and my stereo not powered down. Just resigned now that this woman will always demand I meet her needs, and couched in a nice voice, I need to keep seeing it for what it is. *sigh* no kids tonighgt for the first time since she took them for a weekend trip in early October. I've always been a loner, but got used to having my family around. Just weird tonight... .

Hang in there Turkish. The loneliness can be debilitating for a while. Try to stay busy as much as possible. This has probably been the most difficult thing for me to deal with, especially when the ruminations start kicking in. Good luck and congratulations.   

Hang in there my friend. Your journey has been long and perilous. The beginning of your healing can commence. 

Turkish,

you didn't toss the ring, and now you have 2 precious little ones... . little peeps I'm sure you would never be able to do without now. :)

Great job hangin' in and stayin' calm. Not all of us could do it.

We do what we have to do. Crying a bit tonight.not for her, her actions disgust me. For my family... . first night w/out the kids in months. I'll see my little angel monsters tomorrow night though... . not hate, not that, but anger over this all. I knew for at least a year I could not stay with her... . I definitely triggered this. Need to own that. Maybe she was right in the Y1 break up/recycle, I wasn't man enough to end it actively, so I did it passively like now. Lingering FOG... .

I've been there, it's an adjustment. It's not ideal but you'll get more used to it. Feel your feelings and keep focused on what's positive. What's best for you and your kids. Family's what you make of it.

I have been following your story Turkish, and just wanted you to know that my thoughts are with you.

After four days of "trial" separation, I had a talk with my stbxw and made it final, and I am feeling so much better. I realized that being with her, talking to her was causing me distress. So glad that I don't have to do that anywhere.

Hang in there mate, you are going to bring up two awesome kids and all of this won't even matter in a few years time.

Turkish,

how has the week gone for you?

Hi Elpis, I've had the kids for 14/15 days, 7 of them without her around at all. Though I got used to it, it still feels weird. She is still super friendly, and would have no problem with us being like best buds. I almost wish she hated me (not really, but maybe you know what I mean). She's taking them for the whole weekend so I and a friend who is coming to visit can work on the house. I don;t want her back in here, but it will be obvious gaslighting, in a way, for her to come back and see things changed. I really don't want her coming back in.

Still bothered that she left so much crap here. Kind of figured this would happen. Even some of her dirty clothes in a hamper, like she was so happy to take just enough to have her new pad and be free. I have to stop trying to figure out how she thinks, or why. Not my business anymore unless it concerns the kids, though she did call today and started talking about her work day, I deflected that convo (posted something about it on the co-parenting board). I don't care! Still looking to me for validation, pretty sad. Since I felt all she did through most of our r/s was INvalidate me, I need nothing from her in the way of conversation.

Kids going stir crazy being inside today due to rain, though we did go out earlier on a few errands. I hate malls now (since my Ex loved them), don't feel like going there. S4 just wants to spend $ anyway.

All in all, I guess I'm all right. Thinking about a new r/s to medicate the space. Sick on my part. She already had hers for months and months, so unfair.

Had a nice long late night conversation with my mom last night. She actually was listening to a lot of what I was saying. I realized today that I am the same age she was when I started junior high (early 40s). I guess I'm old enough now to offer her advice :^)

it is so painful that they have a r/s where we have none. i know that i'm in no position yet to start anything. i have to keep reminding myself that her new r/s is founded on deceit and what could the content of such a r/s be? despite that, it hurts very deeply. ultimately i won't think about it.

the kiddies will keep you in contact with her, turkish, but, y'know, kiddies, they're fabulous!

I agree with maxen.

She's had it for months and months but at what cost? From what I recall this guy sounded like a real tool.

It's her loss, but I know it hurts.

i gotta say, i think being in the WRONG r/s is worse than being in no r/s at all... .

i'm really happy Turkish, that you're painting and rearranging and giving yourself a fresh start. How would you feel about shoving all her leftovers into boxes and leaving them on her doorstep?  In the rain?

What's going to get through this initial time is just what you would tell anybody on here to do: concentrate on the important things and people. There's where the value will be. Sit with the feelings or write them out and tell them goodbye and burn 'em. Something to mark this momentous occasion.

i'm so glad you're open enough to share what you're going through, it does really help, right? i haven't been as brave myself.

Doorstep, rain... . hmmm. I know it isn't about being brave or not with you, as you've been in a very long marriage, and raised a big family, gone through many challenges and come out on top for you and your children. We all here have a lot in common, but our struggles are still our own. I think you are doing well.

Very kind of you to say, Turkish.  |iiii