BPDFamily.com

Well, I think I have been officially recycled.  Too long a story to go into in detail.  But I broke no contact, we started texting back and forth, agreed to meet and talk, and I ended up staying at his place over night.

He has been positively diagnosed Bi Polar.  We discussed BPD and he said after I accused him of having it he researched it ad said he does see SOME of the traits describe him.  Said he has NOT been with anyone since we split, regardless of what my gut says.  Said he can prove he got on Match after we split, first week of December and has been on one date.  Said he checks it everyday because he feels bad about himself and having messages from a woman saying he is cute or something made him feel good.  He has gained weight since I saw him months ago and his apartment DOES look like he has been doing what he says, completing projects through work and working on outside interests... didn't look like a babe magnet pad at all.  Says all he does is work sleep eat, repeat.

Said he loves me, misses me and did what he did for my own good.  That he is not right.  That the therapist is working on his inability to express emotions correctly and anxiety/panic episodes.  Says he didn't want to drag me through this anymore, he had hurt me enough.  Said he has had meds adjusted a couple of times during the break up and some of the ill effects were things no one needed to see or be around.

Wants to start dating again SLOWLY.  Said we can't jump back into the way things were, but he wants to date and build a solid foundation instead of trying to grow something in toxic soil.  Mentioned maybe I would go to his therapy sessions on occasion.  Also said he will cancel the Match account.  I said I need proof with the email that states he has indeed cancelled it and he said he understood completely and would do it by end of today.  That he has no desire to see anyone else.

I want to be hopeful, but I am scared to death.  I don't want to get crushed again.  And my radar is going off but I am moving forward to see where it leads.  Atleast if it happens after all of this, there will no doubt I tried everything.

I love him so very much.  When we hugged; I just melted all over again.  That was all I have needed or wanted in the last few months.  

Prayers, please... .

best wishes to you.

Use the tools in the other forums to help you set boundaries and protect yourself.

I am sure you have learnt a lot about yourself and BPD in the months you were separated... dont let that learning go to waste! set boundaries, live the life you deserve, not the one that is just there... .

Hi siren song, sounds like he has sung the song for you. I wish you well, I hope things work for the both of you. Could you remember to look back on this post in a month to see if the promises he made are being kept.

Is he staying on his meds and keeping up therapy?

Has his match account been deleted? Check yourself and make sure.

Is he treating you like a loved partner without raging?

Is the relationship developing slowly? Is he taking his time as he said he would.

I so hope the answers are yes and you are happy together.

The staying board has very wise people - keep working on you ... . boundaries and new communication styles along with radical acceptance will go a long way for you both.

Good luck!

SB

Best wishes on trying to work it out.  Just do the best you can, and make sure you use the tools!

I'm happy for you (and, I'll confess, a little bit envious). I will definitely keep you in my prayers.   

I hope you find your 'happy ending', sirensong65. Good luck to you!

UPDATE:

Well, I would love to say it was a happy ending... but why do we EVER expect these Aholes to be normal, loving human beings with feelings like ours.

Lasted all of two days.  He was dragging his feet deleting the Match profile and when I confronted him on it, he admitted what he REALLY thought would be best is for me to invest my time in the relationship again while we still dated other people.  Now, realize I had already told him I wasn't interested in dating other people, and why the hell would I be if I wanted to focus on strengthening our relationship and agreed to attend therapy with him from time-to-time so I would be able to handle his mood swings in the best possible way for the benefit of the relationship.

The bottom line is he is a BOTTOM FEEDER.  I was used, slept with for the sport of it.  I am seeing it clearly.  Like a serial killer, using every trick in the book to get you to walk to the back of their van. 

HE wants to have his cake and eat it too.  Their WAS no benefit for me with the scenario and I told him so in less than pleasant terms and I am back to NO CONTACT.

I have told all my close friends of my fall from grace, though, embarrassing to do so, I know if I lose my freaking mind and self respect again, they will do everything in their power to keep me away from him. 

  Best wishes to you. He is lucky to have you. Don't forget that this time... . you are stronger and you know more.

Sorry Siren

Maybe this is what you needed to have happen for you to finally begin detaching from him.  They can be such cold, awful people.  It is so hard for a sane, caring person to comprehend how another human being can be so self centered and inhumane. 

Hang in there

After enduring many years of hell with a mother I suspect is either B/NPD, I recently started seeing a man who ultimately was exactly the same. Full of false promises, seemingly crazy about me, only to essentially being to devalue me overnight, Triangulation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0) with many other women as some form of sick torture. He sucked me out of a relationship, to use your words, 'for the sport of it'. Then he chewed me up and spat me out. The, 'seemingly crazy about me' probably should have been a giant red flag, amongst all the others he fired my way.

Regardless of diagnosis, these people are toxic and NC really is the only way to properly heal. You deserve better. No one on earth deserves to be anyone's second best, or to wait around for someone to treat you right. Get rid - ADIOS!

SS65: 

I'm so sorry for your pain. It sucks to have our hopes dashed and dashed and dashed.

I went back for more and more and more, even why my ex was cultivating her back-up to me.

But it's not her fault.  She just wanted, and I was willing to provide.

I'd like a girlfriend who was just like me.  One who I can cheat on, lie to, manipulate, guilt, and still have support me and have sex with me when I'm lonely. 

Take it easy. I had to forgive myself. And first of all get out of the FOG and look at FOO issues.

Glad you're here.  Thanks for your courage.

Tausk

Hi ss65, Be grateful that it only lasted two days.  Some of us (read: me) were sucked back in for years and nearly drowned in the BPD tsunami.  It generally doesn't get better, believe me, and in fact can get a whole lot worse.  So chalk this one up to experience and start movin' forward, away from the toxic BPD swamp.  Lucky Jim

Hi ss65... .

detachment is a process (a rather long one i think)... . dont feel embarrased or anything about your behaviour. It happens to a lot of us.

Now, that you are ready to move on, work hard on yourself, to understand why you are attracted to this pattern of behaviour pwBPD display. Working in ourselves is the only way we can really move forward and move on.

you have more reasons now than before. Stay strong and keep moving forward... . it will get tough again, and you will feel like wanting to go back for his crumbs & instability many times during the detachment process, when this happens, remeber the feeling you have now (of betrayal) and use it to fuel your self esteeem to get away from this vicious cycle.

Embarrassed?  I was for a long time embarrassed at my stupidity. How easily I had believed the lies. How much I gave to the relationship while receiving so little in return. How I stood up for him to my family and friends insisting he really was a good man underneath. How I gave in to most of his wishes to make him happy. How I willingly gave the most productive years of my life to create comfort for him. I was tremendously embarrassed at my stupidity, how could I have allowed myself to be so used. I stopped being embarrassed when I realized the reasons I gave so much. I gave because I am able to love deeply and forgive easily. I am persistent, unwilling to easily give up.  I want to make this world a better place for others. Those are the qualities that kept me in the relationship and I like those qualities in myself and in others. What I needed to learn, and still need to learn are personal boundaries. I need to learn how to effectively  help others, not assume responsibility for the outcomes in their life. I needed to learn to trust what I see, hear and feel, not to believe what I am told when it is contradictory to the information I have. All the best siren.