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Title: How to validate when they shutdown Post by: kft on February 03, 2014, 08:58:46 AM So I've been on Limited Contact with my BPD business partner since Christmas. For the most part the break has been really good for me, but now it's starting to effect the future of the business. I'm having trouble getting pwBPD to communicate with me, leaving me feeling like I have to make decisions without his input, which in turn makes him feel like he provides no value to the company (not true) and it just becomes a hellish cycle.
Obviously we need some serious validating here, but my problem is that pwBPD handles his strong emotions by suppressing them, internalizing them as much as possible, and completely denying that anything is wrong or upsetting. How does one validate in this situation? I'd like to maintain LC in the personal space, meaning that I'd like to keep our relationship professional, open up the channels to easy communication but not let him triangulate me with his probably-NPD gf as he has been. How do you approach topics they don't want to talk about without JADE-ing? Title: Re: How to validate when they shutdown Post by: coworkerfriend on February 03, 2014, 05:28:33 PM KFT - I own a business with my pwBPD. I have had some of the struggles you are facing right now. I felt I had to make decisions without him and that spiraled quickly into him feeling like he has no value and no worth. We lived like that for a long time before I finally stopped making it worse. We went through a horrible time about a year ago that I couldn't imagine moving past when I simply refused to continue the cycle.
I started making lists of things we needed to discuss. I refused to make the decisions without him. I tried to define our roles in the business in a way that works for both of us. I was petrified that we would lose business and that our business would implode. I would stick to S.E.T. and when he would begin to go off topic, I would leave his office until he was in a better place to discuss. I bit my tongue when he would try to provoke a fight. My natural instinct was to JADE and I have worked hard at avoiding that. I don't know if what I wrote helps at all but I wanted you to know that I understand the difficulty of working with someone with BPD. Title: Re: How to validate when they shutdown Post by: kft on February 03, 2014, 06:05:51 PM No that's super helpful. I think I will start writing up agendas for meetings and sending them around. Although that's not my natural style, it may prevent any unintended dysregulation by giving him thinking/prep time.
Title: Re: How to validate when they shutdown Post by: coworkerfriend on February 03, 2014, 06:24:58 PM That is exactly how it helped us. He used to accuse me of "springing" things on him and that he wasn't ready for.
Now I keep a weekly list and he picks and chooses when he wants to do when he is ready. It isn't ideal but it helps us manage and we are able to get stuff done. He accuses me of "controlling" him with my list and I just smile and walk away. Title: Re: How to validate when they shutdown Post by: mgl210 on February 03, 2014, 06:28:46 PM How to validate?
I've learned so far that its virtually impossible to validate someone with BPD... I have tried being the supportive partner, but then I get accused of smothering, and then when I would rather be neutral between her and her parents. I get accused of not caring. When asked for my advice, I get accused of telling her what to do. When I keep my opinion to myself, I get accused of not caring. When I tell her each and every single day that I love her and that she means the world to me. I get told that she is getting sick of hearing it. When I stop, I get accused of not sharing my feelings... . So that brings us back to the original question... . How do you validate? I sure as heck would love to know the mystery answer behind this one. <MGL |