BPDFamily.com

Hi, Everyone:   

In the last month I internally disintegrated knowing xBPD's marriage was upcoming. A part of me felt devastated knowing she had apparently "healed," moved on, gone through a nice, slow courtship/engagement period, and then married a good catch. It would seem logical that someone of socioeconomic stature would only commit to and marry her if he had a nice, slow period of time to get to know her, and if she had emotionally and psychologically stabilized. Why else would somebody legally commit to her, right?

Well, shockingly I found out this past weekend that she got married in the middle of LAST SUMMER, after an approximate two month engagement. I also found out what circumstance drove events -- she became pregnant ("accidentally," no doubt!) early last spring. (She had a baby this past holiday season.)

How coincidental!

I know that more than anything in the world, she wanted to be married before the summer was over. She was "competing" against her younger sister who was getting married around Labor Day, and it would have been a personal humiliation if her younger sister was the first to be married.

Beyond the fact that I so completely accepted information from a third party that ultimately proved to be incorrect, I am soo embarrassed and humiliated that I allowed myself to "follow" her situation and internally disintegrate.   

A question in ending: How common is it for BPD females (who desperately desire marriage!) to "accidentally" become pregnant and/or use some kind of emotional leverage to rush a marriage?

I would really appreciate feedback on that question.   

I know what you are going through.  It took my exBPDgf 3 1/2 months after we split in August for her to get married.  It feels terrible for a while but slowly I'm realizing that in the end it is a blessing.  Lessens the likelihood of recycle attempts, particularly as I am still healing and detaching.  She is most likely still in the idealization phase of her relationship which gives me time to heal myself for any future attempts of her's.  The marriage of your ex to another man really is a blessing.  She is his problem now.  You get to grow and heal.  She still has BPD.

While I can't speak for how common it is, I can say that I'm fairly confident that my ex did attempt to do this to me.  Told me she couldn't get pregnant and was on birth control, just to be safe.  Found out both were lies.  She pushed pretty hard for us to stop using condoms.

At this point I honestly wouldn't put anything past someone with BPD doing whatever it takes to get their "needs" met.  Getting pregnant is a very powerful way to make sure that someone will be linked to you in some way or another for a long time.

Marriages are end of games for borderlines. Pregnancy entrapment is very common as well.

The primary drive for a borderline is to seek and keep attachments; having a kid with someone and marrying them are ways to cement an attachment.  That behavior isn't limited to borderlines BTW, but the thing that jumps out at me is the speed; new relationship, pregnant, married, new baby all in less than a year.  Maybe it's a blissful union based on healthy love, but you know her.

It doesn't serve you to feel embarrassed and humiliated unless you use those emotions as fuel to recommit to your detachment.  What are you going to do differently now, moving forward?

I've noticed that every time my ex and I recycle that she reminds me that she wants kids and that she doesn't know how much longer she can wait till she has them. According to her, she has PCOS, which makes it more and more difficult to have kids, as the older you get.

I don't know the answer to your question, but you never know... .

MGL

FromHeeltoHeal: I know this may sound cliched but I am going to try to move on and no longer in any way follow information related to her.

Pearl55 said: "marriages are end of games for borderlines." I've read that phrase a few times on these boards. What exactly does that mean? Could somebody please explain that phrase?

MrFox: Yes, I know she still has BPD but there is a part of me that thinks that in the right nurturing, secure environment she (or any high-functioning BPD) can control their dysfunctionality enough to keep a marriage viable. Maybe I am naive and mistaken in that respect. Maybe a part of me believes that, deep-down, a BPD can control their BPD.

Cool!  And how about instead of trying to move on, just move on.

It's good that you're going to stop keeping tabs on her, and what can you also do for you, to shift your focus to your future?

Now that I'm in a healthy relationship, I have a hard time understanding why I ever thought my marriage was going to work out.

My relationship changed IMMEDIATELY after we were married, I was no longer his love, his sweetheart, I was his posession.

The true relationship that I wanted, a meeting of the minds of two equally valued participants did not happen. It isn't possible in a BPD relationship. It just can't be, they do not have the depth. And I'm sorry to say that, but it is so true.

Not once did my xhwBPD ever truly value me as a person. As his wife, yes, but not as a person. To this day I do not know why he married me. My current boyfriend treats me like a rare jewel... . values my opinions and my heart. Why I was so easily fooled by my exhwBPD still confounds me.

All I can hope now is that I am wiser and better from this horror. Please don't think that things could have ever been different with a pwBPD. They just can't have stable relationships. So entrapment... manipulating... . whatever it takes to fill their needs at that moment.

L

Wannamoveon

"A chameleon's coloring will change according to its surrounding environment; this reptile's protective camouflage helps it capture its prey, and hide from natural predators. Borderline personalities are chameleon-like--they'll quickly discern what's important to you, and become that, in the early phase of your relationship. Most of us have been seeking this sort of romantic congruency our entire life. To even get close to finding it, can seem like a miracle! The trouble is, as soon as this guy or gal senses that they've captured you, their normal colors return--and you're dealing with a different sort of creature."

Shari scheiber