BPDFamily.com

My mom used to weigh with me with money. Tell me how much I was worth or that I spent too much money because I got holes in my clothes or how dare I grow because now she has to spend more money. Every time we had to get new shoes she'd frown at me. At the same time she would expect us to be adults. Act like adults, but don't grow.

My co-Dad used to mitigate that and was aware of it but growing up it was like watching him die little by little. First he stopped defending us and then he started to sound more and more like her. When I left the house he would smoke MJ--I don't mean a little, I mean a whole ton as if to forget the pain of his wife.

He now talks to me in matters like "how much is that?" "How much does it cost" rather than "I'm sorry to hear that." and "I'm sorry about that." He no longer really cares for me as a living being and even treats me worse than he would treat a stranger. I say I need to take my pets to the vet, his response: "How much will that cost?"

He's so codependent he sounds like a carbon copy of my mom and it breaks my heart because I knew him before he became that way. He used to assert himself. He used to not blame me for my mom's troubles. I kinda feel like the person I knew and loved died--he doesn't even remember any of my childhood memories because he's smoked that much pot. He's erased all the bad and good together.

Living Dead... . I know what it looks like. It looks like my Dad. I'm angry, sad, grieving and trying hard not to slip into codependent habits over this such as blaming myself. But it kinda has retraumatized me as a flood of negative memories threaten at the gates.