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What do you do when you have this person in you life who you love more then anything and then in one day it's over?

                                                How do you cope with this? How do you cope when one day they love you and they are blowing you kisses and then the next day they hate you living guts?  The next day you are the "bad" person they just cant tolerate anymore.  You are the bad person who has some kind of un redeemable problem where they wont even consider for a second of allowing you back.  What do you do when their reasoning for it all just doesnt make any sense? And here you were the both of you making plans together and sharing everything about your selves , getting soo close and being such good friends. and then out of no where BAM!    its over.  Hes even telling his mother lies about you and being untruthful about what really happened,,  and you were friends with his mother.   What do you do if you have no one to tell this to. And it feels like no one believes you  either.  He was my only freind you know. I have no family here,Im out in the country, Im on my own,  For 6 months we never missed a day,  and now, now what? I really thought he loved me. and then all of a sudden he changed into this horrible person, hurting me and hurting me, saying nasty things to me.  Silent treatments,  blaming me for everything while he played the victim who has done no wrong. I trusted him.     I really did.   I thought he loved me.  How do I cope with this?

Dear goingtostopthis

Have you rad any of the articles I posted for you? Have you visited the board I suggested?

i think so, im not sure,  im sorry, ive been such a mess,  could you repost them?

Hello goingtostopthis, I am sorry you are in so much pain right now. A r/s with a pwBPD is nothing short of disorienting.

One of the articles scallops posted was this: How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves (https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles.htm)

In your comment earlier, you said you realized he was Projecting  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0)his illness onto you. Yes, probably. Mine sent me to therapy in year 1 (because I was obviously the problem), and in Year 6 as well. The same as my mother did to me 28 years ago... . imagine that. We become unknowing "triggers" for their core fears and pain (where the anger comes from, the explosions of their core trauma that has ultimately nothing to do with us).

Have you read up on Splitting (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0)? This sounds like what he has done, split you black. Do you sense that it could change back and he will come around again? If so, what are your feelings on what you might do at that point, considering the damage he has done thus far (like lying about you)?

Take care, goingtostopthis, and let us know your thoughts. We are here to support you.

Turkish

I felt a lot like you, only was in a relationship for years and had children with a BP.  I love them dearly, but am in a different state now, because was trying to support and save our marriage.  The silent treatment in your article is what caught my eye.  THis is an evil behavior in my opinion.  It is close to saying "you do not exist." - but don't let it hurt you.  You do exist.  The BP is the one who has this problem of feeling like they do not exist.  THey must learn this behavior as a way of making others feel somehow like they do.  Rest assured you have rights - borders, boundaries,  whatever you want to call them.  You deserve your own person-hood.

Going to stop... .

It takes time to heal from something like, especially when it's a 180 from the person you thought you knew.  But you can get better and be much stronger and even though it's hard, it could have been worse.  6months, some people on the boards took years to see that BAMMMM effect.  It was inevitable unfortunately, what triggered it? who knows, something triggered it though, most likely fear, insecurity, uncertainty etc... . One day at a time... . goodluck

I'm so sorry   I understand the pain and desolation you're experiencing all too well.

The first time I posted here was after a really bad splitting incident, although I just felt numb.  It was awful.  I got a lot of comfort and peace from reading 'Get me out of here' (although it was also emotionally hard to read) and 'Walking on Eggshells' and the period after that really changed a lot about my outlook.  I also found reading the posts and FAQs about BPD very helpful?

I really feel for you.  How are you coping today?

The main thing I learned in my relationship is when he splits and I am suddenly crap, it's time for me to go do something else and stop being present to get kicked in the teeth.

The first time the splitting really happened, I could not believe my hero turned into this POS lying cheating jackhole who was running around telling people how worthless I was and what a big mistake I was. It took me 2 YEARS to accept that reality. Once I did, it took another year for me to begin to react in a direction that took me out of the shock.

It hurt so much, it altered my view of reality. So that is where you seem, it that first state of real shock that has understanding at the core of it.

If I were you, I would hold my head high, and get really really busy doing some interesting things for yourself. Like finding friends, building a support group outside of his antics. It's almost a guarantee with BPD that once you stop chasing after them, they start looking for you.

He's probably not really going to go very far from you, just far enough to upset you. Set him aside for now, work on the lessons here and focus on your own stuff. He will probably be back for round 2, 3, 4... . and when he comes back, you really will fare better if you have some effective tools to help handle things.

Boy it's tough, sorry you ended up here. 

Who ever relocated this post.   THANK YOU.   


     I dont have time now to answer everyone, but I will later on this afternoon.    Thank YOu 

Thank You Turkish,

I read the section about splitting and it looks like this is what's happened. Im feeling better today but I keep getting these bouts of anxiety.   They come and go. Im keeping myself busy though. 

                       Ive been doing  alot of thinking, though I wish I didnt have to.  I dont want to give what this guy has done anymore credit then its due. I also dont want to start obsessing about it, but now in the early stages its so hard not to.   I have journal about, it comforts me, so I do.   

                                One thing I need to express that in my thinking about this I have asked myself to listen to my body,  like what am I feeling that going on.  I keep getting this gut reaction that what hes really doing is using me as a kind of scapegoat.  Right before all of this happened he was havin I think you get te g problems with debt collectors coming to his door, and to be frank,  this guys life has been a mess. He was telling me he was afraid they were going to come in and start taking his belongings. He owes money up to his ears and wont get a job, is living off the state taxes, trying to live and pay for internet connection and phone service at the same time. Al lways under stress, all ways complaining about something, all ways the victim. If my foot hurts ,well his foot hurts more sort of thing. You know I could never have a sore foot to myself. With the focus just on MY foot.      I think you get the picture. 

                      What Im trying to say is when this debt collector thing started to happen, he got all paranoid and kept on thinking someone was knocking on his door all the time. He said he sat up all night not able to sleep on night because of this. Whether there truely was anyone there? well thats another thing with him.

           My point is that he all ways sets himself up to be in these states of helplessness.  No control,  no power,    and I have to say the main theme to our fights and ending of this relationship has been him excerting his power and control over me.  He wants to end the realtionship but he still wants to remain freinds, I end the relationship, unfriend him,  yet he doesnt unfriend me and still leaves the channel open for us to communicate though of course since he has all the power,  he wont answer me.   Whats the point?      thanks I had to get that off my chest.

I think what Im trying to say is,   that he must feel so powerless himself as a person in his own environment that the only way he can deal with this is to scape goat this onto me and in a sense has been using me as someone or thing... . he can feel he has control over.  He's been talking down to me like a child, hes been punishing to me, will not budge an inch in apologizing for anything and it goes on.   Ya. I feel like hes using me for this in order to compensate for his own sense of emotional impotence in his own life.    Does he know hes doing it?  Probably not,  but who cares,  abuse is abuse.