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Tonight I hate myself. I take responsibility for my own demise. I accept my  part and failure in this disaster of a relationship. I don’t want to hate anybody. I want to hold on to the good memories of her, the person who brought me out of my shell and made me feel alive. God do I miss that feeling. I miss the insanity and madness she brought to my life. Every night I go to bed and hope and pray I’ll wake up and she’ll be there. Please god she will leave my brain soon and let me waste away in peace. More than anything I just want to be free of her to pick of the pieces and move on. Sorry, just ranting.

Hey Coastalfog1,

I feel the same way at times.  I was talking to a friend and she asked me, "do you think she even thinks about you?"  Then reality kind of sunk in.  When I was with her she didn't think about her ex she had me.  Now that she has recycled him I am positive she isn't thinking about me.  Kind of unfair to myself to think about her when she isn't doing the same thing on the other end. 

Coastalfog, you alright? How are you feeling now that some time has passed?

Having been out of your shell and alive, what can you do to stay that way?

Feel your feelings. Don't give up on yourself.

It's darkest before the dawn. Letting go is really hard.

This kind of change is an adjustment like no other.

Acceptance will come. Your coast will be clear.

I kind of get what you're saying... . but you do know that this was doomed from the start right?  All these relationships are?  No offense to the people on the Staying board, but the VAST majority struggle with PAIN and SUFFERING on a daily basis. 

Don't put too much of this on you.  Don't do that.  It's like trying to damn a river with a pebble.  It's like trying to fill a bottomless pit with pieces of you. 

Do not blame yourself.  It was the same with the guy before and will be, sooner or later, with the guy after you. 

Coastalfog, Johnny Alias is right.  Please do not blame yourself.  You are probably a really good person who got completely shattered.  I know what that's like, we all do.  She will eventually leave your brain. 

When I was going through the trauma  of how abruptly my exBPDbf left me, I was right in the beginning of starting my own business and working from home.  I struggled everyday with just getting out of bed and getting SOMETHING done, besides being in my head, crying, etc. etc.  My sister talked to me of getting through just one day at a time.  I had been going to Al-Anon for years and you would've thought I would've had that skill down pat, but I didn't.  She had me focus on just one day.  And then the next, when the next day came.  My days gradually formed patterns where I did some research in the morning, had lunch with a friend who was totally willing to be there for me emotionally (I'm extremely lucky in this regard, several friends took turns being there for me), and in the afternoon I would run an errand.  Just one, if that's all I could do.

An amazing thing happened.  Eventually I woke up one morning and realized HE wasn't the first thing on my mind!  And I had (pretty much) taught myself how to ride motorcycle!  (I had a few hours of instruction but practiced a helluva lot on my own, in the wee hours of the early morning w/no traffic.)

Taking up something I had never done before and enjoyed immensely definitely helped me to detach.  It also helped rebuild some of my damaged self-esteem.  It literally gave me new life, gave me back some of my spunk (plus I'm the first person in my family to ride, petite lil ole me ). 

Is there something, an activity perhaps, that you have always been interested in?  Now may be a good time to give it a whirl. 

Hang in there!   

I feel your pain my friend. I want the old me back too. The one that felt confident to be around people. Now all I feel is how are people going to hurt me too. I think its possible to overcome feelings of abandonment, If I remember right, I used to sabatoge all of my rs too. I just wish I could feel more comfy in my own skin. Instead, I feel lost like a lost puppy. Crying, but not so it shows, but on the inside where I feel all alone with no one to help...

MGL