BPDFamily.com

First time on this side of the forum, but i really should be here more. I am trying to build a new life after a breakup with my uBPDexgf. The thing that is getting me by is the fact that I can date again. I  get to meet new women who if im lucky will not be BPD. But im still trying to recover, the breakup was only 2 months ago. I am not ready to jump into a relationship unlike my uBPDexgf. But i have more respect for myself to take care of myself first.

Do any of you have any stories of ending a relationship with a BPD to find real love or someone special later on? Someone that made you realize why it never worked with the BPD and why it was worth the hard breakup for something better. I want to believe since i went through the worse relationship in my life so far that anyone next would be a step up, and i am excited about that.

But until then please help me be hopeful of the future by telling your tales of true love. Tell me how much greener the grass has been for you. And how it was all worth it in the end.

P.P.

After leaving my exBPD, it took me a while to learn about BPD, but the real work began when I stopped with all that and learned more about myself.

I currently in a healthy happy relationship with a new partner, 1 year strong.  It made a stronger person, more cautious but smarter in the words I use to express myself and when I use them.  Love is something that takes time to develop, it's not something (rarely) that happens in a few weeks.  I have not forgotten my past relationship, I have been no-contact with my exBPDgf for almost 8 months now, and I see it her at work almost everyday.  I am on this forum, because it just reminds of what I walked away from and how lucky I was to catch things when I did and actually start paying attention to the redflags.

Even now in my new relationship, I strong with boundaries, expressing my needs and early I made clear of what I want and didn't, and I wasn't willing to deal with.  It was a little harder for me because of the work situation having to see her all the time, but I ignore her.  Others are lucky because their no-contact is controlled in a sense that they don't have to see the person.  I see them but will not communicate, it is too toxic, I do it for my own health not to be mean.

Buidling a new life, you have to learn from this instead of seeing her faults ask yourself questions why you stayed for the time you did? Why did you put up with the things you and why you thought that that meant love?

New Life, I wouldn't say I have a new life... . I am back to being me. Going to the gym, communicating with friends and family more, better output at work etc... . I was in a slump that I got out of.  If anything I have more insight and clearer perspective on many things.  Though I am not happy that the relationship went through the process it did, it was a great learning experience.

@Tolou i am glad to hear it is getting better for you, it makes my hopeful that i may be okay one day also. also i am glad it is something you are glad you experienced even though it was tough. i im not there yet, it has barely been 2 months. and even though i dont see her everyday we do go to the same school and i do run into her once in a while. i just cant wait till im fully recovered and ready to date again, so many other fish out there, and i should stop thinking about the one that was an easy catch.

It is not easy to completely block someone out as if they never existed? I don't know how healthy that is.  But in terms of moving forward, you just have to realize that in the long-run no matter what you did or said, it wouldn't change who she is nd that things would not have worked out for the both you.  There are plenty of people out, healthy people, not perfect, but healthy.  But when someone maladaptive behaviors have an effect on the people around them, that's what a personality disorder is!

Learn from this, change your way of thinking... . try replacing with positive thinking.  For example, why didn't I do this or that? with, I did the best I could, it didn't work out, that's okay.

etc... . replace the negative thoughts, build yourself up, real love takes real work, it's something obtained so easily or by simply saying "I love you", their definition and yours, two diff things.

Take time to seriously heal and learn about your own behaviors. Then, yes, you can find a good relationship. I'm pretty sure I've found the man I'm going to spend my life with, and it's still work.

Best wishes on your journey forward.

Hell yes! I've been dating a great woman for 8 months. I really can't ask for anything better. Things are completely different than the RS with the exW was. Completely!

We share our lives together. We cuddle on the couch with a movie. We go out to eat togther. We take road trips :) We have sex... . No really,we have SEX :) She cooks for me. I cook for her. We help each other. She likes my kids and they like her. I like her kids and they like me.

She is always asking if I need something and is so attentive. We can disagree,and it's ok. She shares her thoughts,disappointments, and fears with me,as well her dreams.

We're the couple you see walking hand in hand everywhere they go. It's great! :)

marblelose, i am glad you are doing great now, i hope to be where you are one day. meet a girl who does't play these stupid mind games, someone that really does care for me, willing to give me a chance, can put her ego aside for the relationship, a healthy relationship. thanks for sharing

My grass is green  :)

It took a lot of hurt and pain and serious work to get here tho. I was married for 10 years, then out of the marriage for 22 months before I could date again. But custody and court kept some parts of the grieving process more alive than if we just parted ways.

What helped me was to focus entirely on what was going on for me when we got together. Why did I ignore the red flags, why did I stay, what attracted me to him, what's the deal with my own family of origin (FOO) and what does it mean to have boundaries, to be assertive, to be emotionally healthy. I had to learn that stuff from scratch.

To get to the green grass, you have to go through you.

But it's worth it. I met a great guy who I've been dating for over a year. It's still work, like Contradancer said, but it's so deeply satisfying and fulfilling to be with someone who isn't emotionally disordered. Had to really open myself to dating a different kind of person than I had dated before.

I've never been this happy. I can honestly say that it took n/BPDx for me to get here, painful as it was. I was stubborn and well-guarded, so I guess it took someone like him for me to wake up and pay attention to myself.

livednlearned, thanks i guess this was a good wake up call and something to learn from. I hope to be where you are now, but it seems like most people need at least 2 years to recover. But to be with someone who is emotionally stable would be worth it and a step up.

I found someone I trust and love, and vise versa. 

But the damage my x has done to me hurts every day.  He effectively has alienated my teenage sons from me and as full of love as I can have for a man does not heal that broken heart I have for my sons.

I just pray every day that one of these days I could just have calm.  There are wonderful men out there and I am lucky. 

I hurt too

Hi PinoyPride,

I am dating again.   Several months ago,some one I knew was diagnosed with cancer and  I volunteered to help with chores and doctor visits.  We gradually have grown closer and have begun to date.   

I will say that the old BPD r/s has intruded (in my head) several times.  Like Tolou I see my ex pwBPD quite frequently in a public setting and we are some what LC.   Sometimes that stirs my emotions up but it has gotten better over time.

I will also say that the old BPD r/s has really enabled me to have a better dating experience this time around.  I am more honest,  more in touch with my own feelings, 1,000 times better at radical acceptance, and about a zillion times better at identifying what is going on in the relationship.

This is probably an odd story to tell but we had our first 'fight' about 2 weeks ago.   It was the greatest thing.   We had a disagreement.  We both got emotional.   Neither one of us walked out the door.   We talked it through.  We BOTH said we were sorry.  We communicated.   There was no blame, shame or problem shifting.   At one point she stood there, literally toe to toe with me and said "I am in listening mode I want to hear what you have to say."   Yeah.   Some one who cares about what I think, feel and want to say.   It was the most amazing experience.

I don't know where this new r/s is going.   and I am fine with that.   It is unfolding naturally and not being driven by anyone's out of control emotions.

babyducks

Post BPD was a time to make the changes in myself to get different results in my life.  2 months out my focus was protection and recovery for DD and I.

I met someone 6 months out and rode his WOW roller coaster for over two years.  I fainted the first time he kissed me.   But he would swing from passion to anger to despair.  I kept dating others to keep from being consumed.   Whenever he was hurtful a mutual friend, a wonderful gentleman who loved me as a sister was always there.   When he died, the wow relationship couldn't be maintained.   I said goodbye.

I enjoyed superficially meeting and dating.  I never mistook dating for relationship.  I learned a lot about myself and I learned a lot about what I want in an intimate relationship.  I made friends, I got to practice skills, I have fun.  I learned to focus.  I made mistakes, I moved on.

3 months ago I met a man 8 months post BPD NC.   He and I share mutual good references, and our compatibility is off the charts.   We recognize each other's flags and fleas and fears, and we know each other's xBPDs.   We choose  compassionate love to create a place of safety for ourselves.  We're moving as slow as we can, we want this to be permanent.   This is the most wonderful thing I've ever experienced.  He feels the same.

3 1/2 years post BPD which left DD and I physically, psychologically and financially devastated.  It was tough, but it was STILL better than being IN the BPD Vortex.