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My wife has gone into a kind of denial about her illness. It's been on and off for a long time, so it's nothing new. But it's so difficult to deal with. She's been getting slightly better from her meds (lithium), but it's only mariginal. But she's gone into a phase where she refuses to acknowledge her illness att all or refer to it in any away, and she won't discuss the effects the medication has had on her. Bringing this up will only upset her.

The thing is she's started to plan her future (i e  our future!) as if she didn't have an illness at all, which is kind of bizarre considering how much I adapt my everyday life to her illness. I take the majority of the care of our daughter and never leave my wife alone with her except for a few hours (including weekends), in case my wife has a meltdown. I love my daughter, but these are major sacrifices on my part.

Now my wife is planning to have a few weeks on her own with our daughter this summer. She just said it yesterday. With no comment.

I don't know how to react. I don't know if this is meant to "challenge" me, because if I would point out the obvious ("Is that really going to work out?" than that would turn into a big fight. And it's exactly those kind of fights that leads to the big dysfunctional episodes, so I hesitate to go there. And I need my good night's sleep.

I can't for my life imagine that she doesn't understand that she's bringing up something controversial. When I go away for a weekend on errands, she takes her daughter and visits her parents because she's afraid to be alone with her daughter.

Four months ago we had a "crisis plan". If she's dysregulating I would refer to the crisis plan and she would leave the house, for our daughter's sake. That's the kind of self-awareness she had then. Now you can't mention her mental health. She only brings up important issues over the dinner table when our three year old is present as a strategy to avoid the unpleasant discussions. And difficult questions are met with "Not now... . ", and then after the daughter's bedtime she's too tired to talk.

I have no contact with health professionals that treats her, so I have no update on her health status (apart from the BPD diagnosis), but I can't just let her decided that's she's OK. I feel that she's not taking the responsibility for her mental health that she should be as a parent or partner. If we would be to separate I would sure like to consult one of her doctors on the issue of custody, so I'm thinking that perhaps it's time to consult one of them now, on the issue of parenting?

Any thoughts or input on the situation? Any similiar experiences?

Hi hergestridge,


insight into illness for a pwBPD is hard to have as ability of self reflection typically is less developed. Right now you carry all the burden. Might be even a factor in her having to acknowledge that she is not so well - because all is well - thanks to hergestrige. Actually not all is well, you are feeling overwhelmed  . Maybe it is time to reconsider boundaries.


Validate. It is a valid desire of her after all. It might not really be a valid course of action as you describe it. But then summer is far away so do you need to take action on that front? Once you validate her desire and that is tuned down there is enough space into which her fear can creep back in and likely will. She may well stop herself as the next step.


Validate that she is afraid to bring up difficult questions in f2f discussions. Sounds like she is having a few difficult issues on her mind and is in a semi dysregulated state for a prolonged period of time.

Thanks for the input, An0ught!

The reason I take so much responsibilty is that she has showed pretty clearly where her capacity ends when it comes to dealing with stress. Getting the daughter dressed, fed and ready for daycare ended up in fighting, crying and late arrival (to work and daycare). We agreed I'd do it instead and it worked much better - for our daughter.

We've also agreed that my wife can be along with our daughter when she's OK and it's working fine. But that's just not very often. Everytime I need to go and do something on my own my wife seems to be on the verge of losing control of the situation. When I go (into another room or into my shed in the backyard) I can often hear yelling and screaming escalating when I've left. Our daughter is number one right now. I can't let our daughter pay for her mom's illness when I have something left to give. To me that's just natural.

Setting boundaries is easier with no kids in the euqation.

As for the validation... .

I really hesitate to break the silence at all this time. Last spring she had a similiar period when she decided we would just be happy and not talk about problems while she was still having all the BPD symtoms. When I finally said "Hey, we need to talk about this!" she ended up in hospital (for the first time BTW).

That time I had an intense feeling of unease for months before that built up to that particular incident, and I feel exactly the same kind of unease now. However methodologically I go ahead, I'm a afraid I set a ball rolling just by validating.

What she fears the most of straightforward communication, because right now she's hiding behind her rock.

But do I have a choice? I don't know... .

The summer vacation thing has to do with vacation planning. Most workplaces here have to have the planning set ready in the early spring, so that's why the issue is being brought up now. It's just so hugely frustrating the she brings up HALF of the issue, but not the obvious problems that comes with it. Last year we took the same four weeks because she couldn't be alone with the kid. What's changed now?

Actually, a lot of this is about my wife changing her mind without telling me that she's changed her mind. Or the thinking behind her changing her mind. She just goes silent for months then she comes up with something that we really should have discussed. This I feel is something that has come much more in the last few years.