BPDFamily.com

 :)

I thought it would be nice to hear of everyone's reasons for staying in their r/s w/pwBPD. I know everyone on this board goes through quite a bit, and that everyone must have a strong reason for staying. I'll start out:

I am staying because I love my uBPDw and I believe that she loves me. We have a nearly 2 yo S together, a great dog and a house together. I stay because despite her uBPD issues, we have a lot of fun together and have a lot in common. I believe she is learning from her past relationship mistakes. She has made strides to apologize to people she has wronged before. Our relationships and more specifically hers have been rocky but again I feel she is improving in this area. The situation with my family and her is another story, but I have recently discovered I may have a narcissistic family which explains some of why she does not tend to like them very well.

What are your reasons for staying?

Because I have no idea what would happen to my 3 year old daughter and my wife if I would leave. At this point there is no reason to assume things would work out OK after a separation.

My wife is a grown woman and responsible for herself, but the kid... .

My wife doesn't have a proper insight in the magnitude of her problems, and neither have the authorities I'm afraid. When a T or a doctor gets to close to the core problem she makes sure to switch doctors or therapists.

If we were to split up I'm sure we'll find ourselves in a situation where she's downtalked her problem to a slight anxiety problem, although her previous therapists set a BPD diagnosis and threatened to call the authorities on her for child abuse.

So for the safety of the child I'm along for the ride. Sometime it's workable, as long as her expectations are realististic.

After our daughter was born her BPD symtoms got worse and after we've been together for 18 years she began cheating and various other really dysregulative behaviors, which led to renewed contact with psychiatry and eventually a BPD diagnosis and even hospitalization. If it wasn't for our child I would have left her at that point for sure, because with the diagnosis it became obvious to me what an abusive relationship I've been living in for many, many years. It didn't become any easier.

I guess you can understand that I can't be outspoken with my wife about why I'm staying, even though I think she understands.

That's a good of reason as any for staying. So your daughter can have one "normal" parent. I thought that even if I wanted to get divorced, it would be very tough to get full custody since courts always lean in the way of the mother, and my wife doesn't show many outward signs like violence or abuse that would show her as an unfit mother. There are plenty of emails where she has gone on a rant against my family, but I don't think those would be enough by themselves.

Sorry to hear about your situation.

There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that if we didn't have a 6-year-old daughter, I would be divorcing. However, I am deeply concerned that the best I could hope for in a custody battle (and I'm sure it would be an ugly battle) would be 50-50 shared custody, with my daughter becoming the battleground for my wife's anger at me. I tell myself that if things aren't better, I will divorce her the day after our daughter turns 18. Sometimes, that gives me something to look forward to, but most of the time, it seems very far away, and I'm sad that I'll have to wait until I'm 61 years old to get out of the life that I am forced to leave. I feel myself eroding as months and years go by, and I wonder how much of me will be left after twelve more years.

The thing that worries me even more now is that our daughter clearly understands that mommy and daddy fight too much, and that most of the yelling is mommy yelling at daddy. She even tries to split us up, tries to send us to different parts of the house, to get us to calm down. I tell her not to get in the middle, but sometimes she does it anyway. She can see how sad I am so much of the time, and comes to hug me after things have been quiet for a while.

I know that my wife grew up watching her father physically, verbally, and emotionally abusing her mother. My wife tells me that he beat her more than once for calling the cops on him when he was beating their mother. this situation ended only when her father died of diabetes-related strokes in his late 40s (I never knew him myself, but I've heard a lot of stories about him). My wife has told me more than once that while the EMS technician was trying to revive him on the living room couch, and her mother, brother and sister were crying hysterically, my wife was hiding in her bedroom, hoping that he would go ahead and die. He did just that. My wife was 14 at the time of her father's death. She hasn't ever had even 5 minutes of therapy or counselling about what she endured as a child.

My point is, I am concerned that my daughter is going to grow up to see her own mother - my wife - the way my wife remembers her own father, as an abusive, raging bully. I wish my wife could see that this is exactly what she's doing, but since the abuse I take is just verbal and emotional, not physical, my wife sees no parallel whatsoever. That being said, I am convinced that if our genders were reversed, I would be being beaten, too.

I will stay for my daughter as long as I can, because I fear that if I am out of the house, especially as our daughter grows older, she will become the brunt of my wife's anger. But my daughter is becoming increasingly aware that our family is not like other families... . she will eventually realize that most kids' fathers don't sleep on the living room sofa every night. I'm not sure how I'll handle it when that happens... . she will eventually ask questions that will deserve honest answers... . answers that I know will provoke my wife to even greater heights.

I'm sorry to have gone on so long. I feel that I'm very alone, and I only have one reason for staying... . to protect my daughter as best I can. Which isn't very much at all, in the long run.

This should have read, "... . the life that I am forced to lead." The error changes the meaning pretty profoundly, actually.

I stay with my BPDgf because she is good in bed  |iiii

DO NOT get her pregnant, and be ready to run.

There are some sharp teeth attached, down there.

This is exactly how I feel at the moment "... . the life I am forced to lead"

But is this just me being selfish?

I stay because I believe she is who God gave me. I want things to be different. There are so many obstacles to overcome and some days they seem to be so overwhelming but at the end of the day I know she is the love of my life, and in spite of the adversities, I want to be there for her and show her unconditional love. Believe me that is easier said than done. It is a spiritual battle. For anyone reading this that believes God and His word read Ephesians chapter 5 (what its says concerning the husband) The husband has the greater commandment. That's why I stay, and that's why I love her. They two shall become one flesh. 

SleepsOnSofa - Be careful, because sometimes it can actually be worse to stay together if your wife yells at you all the time. I heard from my therapist a while back that it is actually worse for a child who is old enough to understand to see their parents have a really dysfunctional relationship. And it is better to divorce for that reason. But obviously you have to decide how much is too much.

I know this is true, but does it apply to those in our situation? I think this assumes that you have two mostly "normal" people who are no longer getting along and behaving badly. It is situational only and they will return to a functional state when they are no longer with the person that they are upset with. But we all know that will not happen with our BPDso. With you gone, they will either rage at the children or find a replacement to rage at. So where does that leave us? Trapped. Some of us trapped on the sofa.

I think the average social worker would see it differently compared to the child psychologist. The alternative is often having a defenseless child being screamed at instead.

That's a good point. It is a thin red line for sure. I agree with that. I guess it's more for finding a place where you can live with the situation and be (hopefully) happy most of the time. It would be hard for my therapist to know exactly what it's like because I don't think he has been through it himself.

So glad to read everyone's answers. I feel like I'm floundering between the staying and leaving boards. My one reason to stay is my daughter and the baby I'm pregnant with. I always wanted my daughter to have a father in her life, something I never had. And with the baby coming, it makes me ache at the thought of putting him/her in the care of someone else so I can work. But I also feel like if I stay, my kids still won't have the father I want for them. He can't see past his own needs and even though it will be a struggle for me financially on my own, we currently live like we're poor because of his spending habits. It seems like it can't get much worse.

OH GOD, wouldn't that be something. I'm 52 and she is 48.

Actually she was a lot better when her kids were little. She seems to think that since they are in their late teens, they don't need her anymore.

You actually raise an excellent point that I wasn't even thinking of, Love Is. If what my wife tells me of her past is accurate (and I think in this respect it probably mostly is), she's never been without a boyfriend for more than a couple of months since she was a freshman in high school. Now that I think about it, I am quite sure that if I were to divorce her, my daughter would have a stepfather within the year. I would have less than no influence in my wife's choice of replacement partner; I actually expect that spiting me might be a factor affecting her choice. But I do expect that her pattern of rage would continue, and even if it is aimed only at the next husband and not at my daughter at all, I certainly don't expect that the stepfather would feel much obligation to worry about the welfare of my daughter.

While we were dating, my wife led me to believe that her previous boyfriend had been abusive to her. During the two times I actually encountered him, he certainly behaved in a way that seemed consistent with that perception, and that he was stalking her to some degree while we were first dating. That, added to my knowledge that her own father had been abusive to her mother and herself, really fooled me as we were dating. I knew that I would never abuse her, and certainly never hit her, so I figured we going to be fine. I did not realize that sometimes, the daughters of abusive fathers inherit the personalities of their abusive fathers, not those of their victimized mothers.

Years later, my wife finally fessed up that the prior boyfriend that I had been led to believe had physically abused her, had not been the only one doing the hitting. She told me in a moment of unusual honesty that the only times he hit her were times when their arguments became physical, and that she was hitting him just as much as he was hitting her. She was trying to make was that she could take care of herself, and that no man could beat her up.

So, bottom line, now I have one more reason to stay - to keep that sofa occupied so that it doesn't get taken over by someone who has no commitment to my daughter's safety and sanity. But you're right, it certainly  is a trap, and it doesn't make me happy.

My advice... . use condoms, even if she says she is on the pill or past menopause. My daughter was conceived while my wife was supposed to be on the pill. She assures me that she took it reliably and that the conception happened because we were part of the lucky .5% for whom the pill fails. Officially, I accept that assertion, but privately, I have my doubts. In any case, if I'd used condoms as a "back-up" to the pill, I might be having a very different life today, and I might not need to be a part of this online community... .

Once there's a baby involved, they own you for 18 years. Even a divorce won't get you free.

I am staying with my BPDh because I love him. The more I begin to understand him, the easier it's been for me to communicate with him in a way to not set the triggers off. My husband is very smart, funny, witty, and we love a lot of the same things. We just have a great time together. 

From reading everyone's comments, it seems like the success rate of a healthy BPD and non-BPD relationship is mostly based on if the BPD can 1. admit their issues and 2. if they are actively working on them.  I am very lucky in the fact that he is self-aware, and has been working with me on his BPD issues. (It took me a few years to 1. figure out if I was crazy or not and 2. for him to admit it, but we got there)

If it weren't for the kids I think we'd have separated already. We moved into a very nice house a few years back, which I would lose. We've also made some new friends (couples) the last years since after moving that would be more difficult to keep in touch with. Before this we've mostly socialized with old friends of my wife, so it's been a step in the right direction for me. Of course my wife has already commented many things about these new friends that she considers flaws.

We both have agreed that the r/s is not good, but she pretty much ignores the option of separating as she "can't stand the thought of only seeing the kids half the time".

Hate being in this limbo though. Like when leaving the kids to play at above mentioned friends a Saturday, they told me "so now you and your wife can get some alone time" (wink wink). If they just knew that I actually dreaded going back to our house.

ColdEthyl,

This is really lovely and exactly how I feel about my dBPDh. I too am lucky that he is self aware. When he reacts in a BPD way, he calls himself being a "BPDfish". I know it sounds stupid, but it's a way of acknowledging that it's not him being that way it's just the illness and allows us to talk about it if we need to.

I feel veyr lucky to be married to a wonderful man, who just has an illness that seriously effects his life and mine too as a consequence.

Absolutely. Mine does too. We have really good friends (thank God) that we made this last summer. A guy I know from work and his wife. We get along great and his wife has a lot in common with mine. They complain about each other's families (my wife about mine). Lately she has criticized them for buying too expensive of a car. I think I successfully explained to her why that shouldn't really matter and she's not holding it against them. 

You make some really good points. I agree about the triggers. I have definitely gotten to know my wife's. We know each other better than anyone else. We like the same movies, she even likes the bloody ones I like to watch.  :)

I'm not sure if she's really working on her issues at the moment or just waiting for another trigger to happen.

Yes, mine is rather competitive (secretly so for the outside... . ) so the car comment could have happened here as well. She compares herself a lot to others. The scary thing is that her friends/acquaintances share a lot of characteristics. If they're a couple the guy is often rather "weak". A new couple we've met now the guy is opinionated and competitive, and this does not go well with my wife.

Thank you, GreenMeadow. I started to think maybe I was hoodwinking myself, or that I am a super enabler because I wasn't experiencing some of the same problems other people are unfortunately having to go through  I think him being self aware is a HUGE factor in it. The first few years, it wasn't like that. But now that we talk about it, and he sees that I'm not judging him, or thinking he is just crazy has really helped him to talk more. I get bits and pieces about how he feels, and what he goes through. Everyday he gets more and more willing to share.

I want to stay with her because I love her and made promises to her I married knowing she has serious issues from a car accident that could put in wheelchair at anytime. I wanted her anyway now she is the One that's planning on leaving for reasons that I don't feel are true. She says that I don't love or want her or need her anymore. stay

First off, I stayed with my wife because I loved her. Now I'll say she's cured of BPD, so it is much easier than it was when I showed up here :) :) :)

Second, as far as the fighting/abuse in the house around kids, and what kids see... . there is another option, and many of us here on the Staying board, have done it... . most of them not having a cured partner:

If you (the non) set solid boundaries about being verbally abused, and refuse to accept it, the abuse will stop. In a few cases, the extinction burst was so severe that the result was police involvement in a DV situation or a separation... . but for many, the result was simply that the pwBPD learned that they wouldn't get the release they wanted by trying to abuse their spouse, and they learned other techniques of self-soothing.

I can imagine how that would be. My wife is very nitpicky when it comes to people. I think she is as hard on others and she is on herself. 

Thank you for your responses.

ColdEthyl - That's very good that he is starting to see that you want to work with him on it. I wish I could say the same for my wife. She just thinks that I think she's crazy and don't want to be with her forever (though I reassure her otherwise).

itsnotme567 - That is a very touching thing to do for her, I'm sorry she is the one that is thinking of leaving though. How I wish pwBPD could take things at face value.

Grey Kitty - it's wonderful to hear that your wife is now cured of BPD. That must be a great deal of relief having gotten that far. The boundaries is something I will be working on soon with my wife. It's definitely an important thing to establish.

I am with my BPD because after a very long courtship I moved to Sweden not knowing that he had BPD. I don't think he knew about his anger issues either until I moved in with him. He has always been a bachelor (Hello... . red flag!). And now here I am, stuck in Sweden on a roller-coaster ride.

"Come to Sweden", he said to me. "I promise you, we will have a wonderful life."

If this relationship were based back in the States, I am 95% sure I would have ended it ... . or at the least we would live separately. I would need somewhere to escape to.

Do I love him? Well, I really really did. Do I now? Sometimes. But mostly I'm just afraid him and really sick of the BS. I can't love someone I can't trust. While I can trust that he'd never cheat on me ... . I can't trust that he'll ever be able to maintain his composure. It's just never going to stop.

1. It stared with physical attraction

2. Next, she's a quality person-well educated, great work habits, excellent social skills, generous (gives great gifts... . I sometimes think its to compensate for her horrible behavior when she disregulates.)

3.  I've grown to love her except when she triggers and acts out. Then I think about leaving and feel like I hate her behavior and can't do it anymore.

4. But like the weather it changes and she enters an ideation phase where she say she loves me and will forecver. I'm the best thing in her life.

5. She fears abandonment and in our lowest moments when I'm leaving, she pulls out the stops and will do anything to keep me. This includes laying on the hood of my car. Hiding my car keys, threatening suicide and threatening to ruin my reputation.

Bottom line: there are lots of pluses in the relationship to balance off the negatives, but also, she won't let me go and I have not had the strength of will to do what I would have to do to leave. Also, we've been married forever and have grown children ( a strong family history together. Theo

I really love this post. Thank you. Positive aspects are always good to be remembered.

I Stay with my bf for many good reasons:

He is one of the most polite people I know.

He talks in the most sweet way to children and elderly people, their favorite companion.

He leaves me romantic drawings when he goes back home so I can find them later when I arrive from work.

He is gorgeous... . (shallow I know but hey!)

I feel the need to support him all the time, I have great hopes for him. His BPD came heavily after a relationship with a very depressed girl who is the mother of his beautiful boy. Getting better with time. It left him with severe self esteem wounds.

He drives me crazy sometimes and hurts me emotionally but I know its not towards me.

No need to focus on the bad side in all posts. So this is it :)

I stay because I love him, and I know that he loves me. I stay because in reality, our dymnamic is all I have ever known. My parents have strong BPD tendencies and my role with him feels safe. The unpredictability is predictable. I have dated other people, it never feels as safe as it does when I am with him.

How did you get there? Did your husband acknowledge that he had BPD before you met him or during the relationship? Is there anything you did that helped him acknowledge it?

I'm on the verge of divorce from my uBPDh and go back and forth between "I have to give up," and  "we can get there."

I know that confrontation will not work and have never even considered that. I know that I'm the only one who can change. I'm reading "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" and asking myself if I'm capable of changing myself with the knowledge that he might never be able to see his part in the struggles in our relationship. To me that's a one way street and goes against my belief that marriage needs to be a two way street. So my answer is "probably not."

But it's hard to give up hope and the only hope I have is that some day he might be able to acknowledge it.

Reason for staying.

I just copied my response to a similar thread awhile back.

Hi everyone,

It's good to read that people are staying because their partner is in treatment and it works.

For me that was the only reason to begin in the first place. He mentioned it on the third date and has been in therapy since he found out. He's working on it every week - even when he feels like rubbish I don't have to push him there - which for me is all the hope I need.

I'm in this for six months now and not sure if I'll stay forever. But I'm staying now because he:

1) was honest about his condition from the start

2) actively seeks help even in times of distress

3) has a group of friends and family to fall back on.

I love him.  I admit that there are probably some codependency issues that I'm working on that may contribute to me staying, and there are days when I think of a ton of reasons to leave.  When it comes down to it, I love him.

Because I love him and he loves me.

I stay because in all honesty he is my better half. When things are good... . they are really good and in the past year I have seen some changes in him, proof that he is willing to work on himself or to at least see how his behavior affects me. I love my husband like crazy... . even when he drives me crazy 

cm, sorry I haven't been on the board in a while, but I can tell you that at first, he said he had depression. Then, I just thought maybe I was crazy... . his outbursts, threatening to hurt himself, the vile hatred and actions he would do (dumping drinks on my head, calling me stupid, etc) then, the next day, doing a complete turn around. What happened is I started doing my own research, bringing up things. He admitted to having a problem, and later to what that problem was. From what I understand, some BPD will just never admit an issue ever, because hey... . there CAN'T be a flaw with them. That's why I say I think I got lucky.

However, that doesn't mean he doesn't still have his down days, because he does. He still has outbursts, and he still has days where he doesn't talk to me at all. (not that he's mad, but he submerges himself into something else)  The thing that helps me the most is 1. The book. God love that book! (You don't have to walk on eggshells) 2. He does. not. mean. it. For them, feeling=fact, and when he does get that wound up, I don't bother trying to talk sense to him until he is calm. He won't hear it. I just validate his feelings, and after the storm is when I can actually get some work done. It's not an ideal relationship, and you will constantly have to put your own feelings on the back burner. For some people, this is unacceptable. For me, I married him, and I meant my vows. I will fight to keep us.

Well, the love component is very real, and often I feel like she is a close friend, a part of me, and a soul mate.  I really do have tender feelings for her. That keeps me trying.  I'm not sure if I have an expectation for changes in her, or expectation for changes in me, but it keep me thinking better days could be ahead.

On the other hand, her living with me in my house makes it hard to walk away.  Had we not lived together last summer when things were really rough, I would have just ended it quickly and gone NC.  But, the two times I tired to end it, I got FOGed bigtime, and we wound up staying together.

And I hate to admit it, another reason I stay is because I am her only source of support in the world.  I think it is 90% likely she would attempt suicide if we broke up.  And no, I don't consider it just manipulation by her.  She's attempted before, and she talks about it constantly.  I just feel I can't make relationship decisions right now when she is in such an unstable place.  Right now my focus is encouraging her to find other means of support.  My feelings for her aside, and BPD aside, I sometimes think her and I are a mismatch as a couple.  But, there's just no way to explore that now with her being completely dependent on me and having so much personal baggage to let go of.  How do you really know who a pwBPD is inside if their behavior is a constant dysregulation and all over the place?  How do I even know what she likes to do for fun if she is so depressed and doesn't ever feel like doing anything?

very well put, and I recognise this, except that my recognising does not come from my parents (my dad maybe a little bit) but from various similar experiences in my life.

for some reason these kind of people and these type of dynamics speak to me, and the emotions that come with it I didn't find in "normal" r/ships (yet)

but I'm learning, allready I am better at keeping distance, at analysing my own feelings and motivations and his, and we're both working at the level of commitment that we both can handle in order to remain two individuals living their own life

That is totally alien to me - how the BPD dynamics can become "home". I waited 17 years for the torture to the end. When it dawned on me that it wouldn't it became unbearable, but then I was stuck with a small child and a wife who keeps her family hostage with threats of suicide.

All my time spent with my BPDw was time spent in hope that she would somehow develop, grow, mature, be cured or get better (depending on the current theory about her medical status). I know it says something about me that I did not give up during all that time. 

I'm actually on the Undecided board but if I were to stay, it would be only if his acknowledgement of his condition would lead him to get help and stop hurting me emotionally.  At this point, we're living apart.  I have been taking care of our daughter alone since she was born 8 mo ago.  He spends time with her but up until a few weeks ago (if he can be believed) he continued cheating on me and abusing alcohol. 

If I were to stay and not go through with divorce (which I have discussed with my lawyer) it would be because a) I truly do love him and b) I believe a child needs both parents.  But b) can only be achieved if he is willing to get better and NOT hurt me emotionally, which in the end would start to affect our daughter were we to stay together (if he continues with his behavior).  And even though I am hurting and suffering along with him, its our daughter who must be put first. 

I understand that his behavior is not meant against me personally.  But hurt is hurt.  And I feel that pain and cannot easily put it aside.

I too know the dynamics from r/s with other people (i.e. my parents) and so it didn't dawn on me earlier into our marriage that things were not ok, and in fact rather toxic for both of us.  I don't want my baby girl to know how it is like growing up in a toxic household!

4) I notice and feel improvement  |iiii.

Early on in the relationship, I was never sure which "husband" I was coming home to. Was he manic? (sometimes that can be as bad... he will talk for hours on end, repeating the same subject matter several times) Was he depressed? (The worst for me, either shutting me all the way out, or breaking down into tears, and crying about one thing, and ending up going on hours long rants about all sort of things... . even thing not warranting this amount of anger or tears) Or is he ok?

I understand your fear. My husband has been hospitalized in the past for threatening suicide (the police actually had to talk the gun out of his mouth) and he talks about suicide often, and if I ever left... . I think he would. Or, he would at least say he will and possible try. I'm never sure how far the suicide thing goes with him, if he says it to make people feel bad, or if he means it, but doesn't mean it enough to follow through... . I just don't know.

But, here's what I do know. I have a brother who is paranoid schizophrenic. He has lived with me 14 years, and he is 28. In the next few weeks, he is moving out for the first time. Let me tell you something... . schizophrenic and BPD is two types of crazy I do not recommend mixing. The dynamic between my husband and him is piss poor. They are similar in a lot of ways... . and I think that's what kind of screws them up.

Anyways, I worry about my brother hurting himself. He's never lived alone, and I get afraid that he might not be able to handle it. But, he says he is ready, he says he can. And he wants to try. The thing I've had to realize is... . I have no control over what he does or decides to do.

If you don't feel that you are compatible when she's "even", then I think you are right about your feelings on the relationship. Their personal tastes and personalities should still be evident, even when their emotions are going buckwild. The part that's dysfunctional is the HOW their emotions make them feel.

Byfaith... I believe you hit the nail on the head... . we are part of three and even with the BPD we are yoked together... . and yes through each day I live my life and marriage through the word of God... . but its hard quite a few times but I find my strength in Christ,this site and studies... . along with Ephesians 5 I go to and try my best to live by 1 Corinthians 13... . many times I have written on here how these were part of my wedding vows and I have them on my wall at home in the living room... . with Prayer... Christ... educating myself like on these boards and of course venting... . that's why I stay... I truly love her... .

That's a great way of looking at it. I too am a Christian, though I admit more than just sometimes it's hard to keep the faith with everything going on. Part of it is how my family has reacted to my uBPDw. They are all Christians but at the same time not very forgiving or understanding... . which I think are pretty core traits for a healthy family.

Education has always been my mecca :) The more I know, the more I am able to understand, to find solutions, to work the kinks out... . with his help. I am not religious, but a solid belief system based on faith is certainly a benefit for people and relationships, and I respect that :)

I'm currently staying in the relationship because I married her forever, we have three children, and I need to know I've given it my absolute best. The "in sickness and in health" commitment means alot to me, and I hope that she would stay with me if I was sick. I see BPD as a sickness, not that pwBPD are monsters as some others do here.

She has threatened divorce 17 times in the last 6 months, so maybe I get off the hook LOL :-)

I'm staying in part because of a 20+ year marriage that has had good times. In part because my wife has done some really wonderful things for me. But, also because I'm concerned what would happen to my kids and wife if I left. My wife has had a particularly difficult and year and I hope she'll pull herself together somewhat with my support--I don't if she could make it on her own. Also, divorce is really messy and expensive. That "in sickness and in health" thing really speaks to me, I view her as sick and in need of health.

So, I'm gonna try my darn-dest to make this thing work. At the same time, I'm thinking of the boundaries that would cause me to choose to leave.

I stay because:

1.  my marriage vows... .I promised to.

2.  he is in therapy and I see progress, so that adds hope.

3.  he needs me, he needs someone on his side, in his corner... .like a child needing a parent.  This probably isn't a good reason, but it seems like it's the only type of love that doesn't 'de-regulate' him.  The only type of love he seems to recognize.

4.  he has given up booze recently, and is doing well at staying away from it (it's been a several months).  It would be counterproductive if I left now, because this has been a big step for him, and he's succeeding - for now.

5.  I would need to walk away from my home, my dogs and cats, my community.  It's not just the person you leave... .it's everything.  Did that twice already.  Not doing it a third.  And besides, third times a charm, right  lol

6.  Our grandbaby.  She's never had her father in her life, and so grampy fills that role.  I could never risk breaking that bond.  EVER.  She needs to know that not all men go away.

7.  I love him.  I truly ache inside when he is hurting.  I feel a physical attraction to him that I've never felt before, even now after everything.  The true him is handsome and wise and inventive and creative and gentle and fun... .I mourn for this man a LOT!  But I try to never forget that he is in there, somewhere.

This was good for me.  Thanks for the topic.