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So my ex broke NC last week and she came over and ended up spending the night. We have a CDV case coming up where she made false charges and I recorded us that night without her knowing. There is but a two minute segment of the three hour recording where she admits the charges are false. The rest is us laughing, having sex, crying and her telling me about some new guy she met and has been hanging out with.

I had to listen to it today to hear what I had before getting it to my lawyer. It was weird listening to us. We were not us or at least not us as I remember. I was a complete dork honestly. I talked way too much and was giddy that she was here. My thing was always that I babied her and adored her and it was way overkill here. Especially for someone who represents the devil himself in my life. I have to justify to my friends that I only had her here to get the recording but we all know that's BS.

Of course hearing this set me back. The thing with the guy. She described them doing all the things I liked and wanted us to do like cooking and eating dinner, watching movies like normal couples. Things we were never able to do because she was jacked on adderall and walking around the house with her beer being a total c*** bag. It hurts like hell to think that's what's going on. Honestly I don't buy it either. I think she made most of it up.

We have recycled many times and these first meetings are usually great. This one was not. She was cold and hurtful. This was prompted by her calling from a restricted number crying, drunk and telling me she loved and missed me. Her tune changed when she got here and she said the one good thing about her coming here is that she sees it's not there anymore. Of course this hurts too because I think she can talk herself into believing that. She was very different. It was hard to muster up affection or her.

I should have played her cooler like any normal man would have. Instead I was a puppy dog and she was aloof and cool. I guess the girl I adored is gone forever. I wonder is she comes back for the new guy.

Doesn't love entail respect? I don't respect her. I despise her and everything she is about and I did when I was with her. So why do these things hurt? Shouldn't I be thanking God she is gone?

She owns me it seems. This has become my life to the exclusion of everything else. Even when I am NC talking about her keeps the connection alive. Yes I know, I need to get back in the gym, fix up my place and focus on work but it just doesn't seem as meaningful without her. I don't feel like dating. I just don't right now. The thought of going through the motions on a date with someone I could give two sh!ts about while I'm really longing for my ex seems like a miserable experience.

It's as if being with her and tolerating the BS is better than being without her.

This sounds crazy, I know and it's a step backwards from my "Get Real" post yesterday. Someone said that progress often comes in two steps forward and one step backwards... or something like that. I'll snap out of it and tomorrow is a new day... I miss her though. I'd be lying if I said I didn't.