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I had a strange thing that happened the other day:

I had to write her name on some mail... . her actual name NOT Mom.

I felt a reaction in my gut for it.

Thinking about her as an individual, your natural repelling instincts would seem to kick in more, to the appropriate level/response.

What's in the word MOM?... . a lot and they hide behind that extra blanket of confidence of the reputation of what a MOM is supposed to be and therefore gain sustenance from it... whilst carrying on regardless. They are thinking special measures.

I will not think of my MOM in any other way now other than her NAME.

Peace.

I actually understand. It's easier, unless I'm talking directly to my mother, to refer to her by her first name. It gives a kind if mental or emotional distance.

So pleased you get it!

For last dozen years or so referred to mine only by her first name. One sweet lady, like my mother in every way except actuality, first time she heard me do it asked why... .

She had parents she loved and was their beloved daughter in turn - it was foreign and strange for me to call my mother this for her.

I told her, It leaves lots of space between me and her.

She is just a name again.

NOT "mom" or even "mother."

Hi lucyhoneychurch - you're words make complete sense to me thanku - weird how thinking about a name is making an impact more than it ever did before. Some sort of healing thing I think.

You know, I find it interesting that you mention this. My mom is BPD and my grandmother has some kind of personality disorder, probably NPD or similar. I don't always agree well with my mom but we both happen to call my grandmother by her name rather than her title, simply because for both of us, she has not fulfilled her title of "mom" or "grandma."

Shadowcat that's really interesting, I get what you mean here, totally. Her not being deserving of everything that comes of that word, I feel exactly the same. Also feel it's given mine a lot of chances she shouldn't have, me being more compassionate just because my unconditional love as child hooked on to that word, sort of like given her a get out of jail free card; she was questioned less, free to reign. Mad isn't it, just a word but what that word represents in regard to them is NOT what they're offering, it being a lie

Hi SS, I totally agree!
I also think this is why the rest of the world gives NC peeps of "moms" such a hard time. We are just SUPPOSED TO love them unconditionally right? It's kinda like doing something "because I said so" as my mom used to demand.

I'm just now trying hard to use mine's first name in all conversations "about her" and hope to up that to "with her." I already started in emails to her.

I wish there was another name people like us could use. Whenever I refer to my Grams, I usually say, "my grandmother and the woman who raised me," so the dynamics are immediately understood.  I guess I could say, "'Ruth, [her pseudo name for board] the abusive mother I grew up with," or something like that... .

I've been thinking on this since you posted it, and while I don't use her formal name, I typically talk about her as "my mom," meaning that person I grew up with and birthed me instead of "Mom," official name and title.

Interesting Sitara , I didn't realize before but I did the same !

PleaseValidate - Totally with you on all of that - also can be helpful thinking with the name to distance, definitely. If it gives you space you need why not!


Hey I can think of one ... 'B*TCH' :/  (... . sorry! in grumpy mood today)

How about void?

Haha! Yes, StarStruck, I'm totally with you on those names!

 :)!

The word mother stings, it feels like a claw, that is masked in a beautiful hand... .

Its so terrible because my mom is attractive, she has hair of gold and eyes like the sea... she looks like an angel, but so many times shes used her hands to hurt me.

I can't take the word mother, its supposed to soothe, but it feels like a soothing hand that suddenly digs into my skin and I can't tell where the blood comes from, could it come from somebody called mother? maybe its me, I must have caused it... . certainly not "mother".

Mom is so confusing.