BPDFamily.com

Since the divorce 7 weeks ago, I have been NC with my exBPDh.

However, there are still some financial issues to sort out and he should have returned paperwork to the lawyer a month ago.  As he hasn't done so, and I really need this matter to be ended, I sent a text to him from my father's phone, asking him to deal with the matter asap.  I used my father's phone so that it wouldn't look like it came from me because I thought he would use this as an excuse to talk to me if I text him.

The next evening, he called my mobile.  I went into a panic when I saw his number and rejected the call.

Since then, my father has text him again asking if he has returned the paperwork but has had no reply.

I knew this would happen.  I am sure that my ex uses any excuse to talk to me.  In the past 7 weeks, this has been the only reason I would have had to contact him and I am certain he is using this as a way of keeping a connection.

I just want it to be over because since he tried to phone me I have felt really sad and low.  It has set me back because until then I was doing quite well.  I am really starting to miss him now.  I feel so stupid because I know I am better off without him.  I had a lovely evening out last night, to an event that I wouldn't have gone to if he'd been with me.  I have had a peaceful day today.  I really wish I could stop seeing the past through a rosy glow, because I know it was awful really!

Just in need of some reassurance tonight I suppose!  :'(

I can relate; we have mixed feelings towards our exes, because in the beginning it was good, and being optimistic and trying to get back there through all the crap hurts.  I get it.

What helps is to make a list of all the unacceptable crap he pulled and read it at times like this.  We have a lot of strong emotion tied up in these relationships, but as you say you know leaving him is the right thing to do, it just takes a while for the heart to catch up.  Reading the crap list can keep you focused as you process the emotions and heal.

Yes, keeping the money thing in the air could be a tact to keep a connection to you, and I hope you find a way to resolve it so you can cut that last tie.  Take care of you!

Thanks for your reply.  I did do a list of 'bad points'  a while ago.  I think I'll have another look at it and update it with some other stuff I have thought of.  If that doesn't make me feel better, nothing will!

Good!  And remember it's not necessarily about feeling better, it's about feeling everything as you process the end of the relationship, while keeping your resolve to stay out of it and away.

Popcorn, I had an appointment w my P on Friday. I asked him why would she leave ALL of her belongings in my home after such a long time? Why would she NOT finalize a custody agreement with my son? His answer was that yes, in his experience, this is a way for them to keep us around, and as unhealthy as it is for us, in their mind they still have a some tye of control over us.

I agree with that opinion. 

My ex took most of his things, and some items that were mine and he knew it would upset me that he took them.  But he has left some odd bits and pieces and has asked for them several times.  I told him he can have them when I get my stuff back.  I really think this is a weird way of him having that little excuse of always being able to call me on the pretence of wanting his things.  I am considering cutting my losses and just dumping the rest of his stuff at his workplace and forgetting about ever getting my things back.  I just want to be able to forget him completely and with him holding on in this way, it's difficult to do that. 

He wanted out and I gave in without a fight.  Now why won't he get lost once and for all?

What he wants most, he makes sure he doesn't have. Intimacy. Constantly frustrated.

Hi Popcorn,

I don't think I can offer you reassurance because I'm a few weeks behind you in my process, but I can identify with what you're feeling. 

I'm in that place where I miss him and want to cry a lot of the time, feeling as if I've been beaten up emotionally.  I'm also resolved not to go back under any circumstances.

My exBPDbf is quite fragile and hasn't tried to cause me any trouble, he's just accepted my leaving.  He grabs at any opportunity to tell me he misses me and wants me back, while whitewashing over the terrible things he said and did to me when we were together, but is just sad and lost.  He shares out the responsibility most generously!

What fromheeltoheal said I think is most helpful, we have to just go through the pain, not avoid it, while remembering that there is no going back.  That understanding gives me strength.  Even when I feel the urge to contact him or see him I remember that I can't because I won't let him hurt me any more, even if he can't really help it.

So I'm crying right there with you  :'(

There are better days ahead for us. 

Janey xx

Thanks for your replies. I got a text during the night. Sent immediately after he would have left her for his long journey home. Answered my dads question and asked 'r u ok?' I did not reply.

I still have a detailed log of many horrible things he did and ways he acted.

Whenever I would start missing him, all I had to do is read some of it and poof... . any craving instantly dissolved.   :)

Good job, pop.  Keep it up and it WILL get better.

Are there any mutual friends that can bring his belongings to him?

Just an avenue to take instead of risking seeing him at his work?

Just curious, homemade or microwavable?  :)

Popcorn:

It's very difficult. Your feelings are understood on this board.  Even after all this time for me, and with all the betrayal, I still miss my ex, her beauty, and the times we shared.  And often I can't remember the pain. And yes, it's very natural to forget the horrible trauma that we endured and cling to the good times.  It's called being human and having a coping mechanism. 

We repress and forget trauma because that's how we survive.

And also, it's a trauma bond, so it's even worse.  Stockholm Syndrome is a very real process.  It takes time to deprogram.  But gratefully, we don't have to do it alone.

Thanks for your support.  Today has been hard.  He's been on my mind a lot.  I keep wanting to reply to the text and tell him that 'no I am far from Ok.  He blew my world apart 6 months ago and I haven't been ok since!'  But I know this would be a stupid thing to do.  He doesn't care - he never did.

Popcorn that's really crap.  The advice on here has been great and I nothing really to add to it.  I just wanted to let you know I know how you feel.  My ex still has his business registered at my address, over a year since we broke up... . it's annoying as I have to send him stuff.

Not anymore though.

I hope you get it sorted xx

He is in survival mode - as are you.  Not responding is WISE - nothing positive will come from it at all and you know this.

Write out your feelings response here if you want - get it all out, so you can let it go.

I know it is hard, this part - the end and paperwork, it really tests us.  You will be ok, honestly.

Peace,

SB