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And I cried. Not for her. For me. I had the courage and strength to love a very sick person.

well done Perfidy.

Takes COURAGE to admit vulnerability and feel pain.

I cried for me too, for the very same reason (a few weeks ago) and that felt good. a step in the right direction for healing.

how do you feel now?

 

You're a strong man with a good heart Perfidy... .

Hang in there buddy.  Lick this tiny fresh wound and keep rolling.  I hope she doesn't start bombarding you but I can tell you will handle it just fine.

You had the courage and strength to love!

The very sick person part is sad and painfull in itself... .

Hugs to you Perfidy 

Perf,

I cried a lot yesterday buddy.

I've come to realize it's healthy & nothing to feel 'less manly' about. In fact, I'd go as far as to say it's a real man that lets the tears flow. And an even bigger man that has no problem admitting it like you.

You take care mate,  Moonie

Growing_wings, I am feeling ok. I'm a little confused. I am struggling right now about trying to figure her out. I know it's a waste of energy and am trying to focus on figuring my self out. I start to think about her and her reasons but I know that this is wrong. I haven't set eyes on her for many months. Since May of last year. Last night when she showed up I knew she was there but when she tried to talk with me I ignored her and wouldn't even look at her. I cannot dignify anything that she says with remarks to her. To tell the truth, she seemed more obsessed than me. After all, I didn't take time out of my life to track her down. I have been focusing entirely on my self this whole time. For me to go after her and attempt a resolution to anything would show an unhealthy compulsion in my self. I don't do that. I have to conclude that she is suffering. She is carrying her guilt heavily and thinks that I can lessen it for her. Layer upon layer of guilt. Layer upon layer of grief that hasn't been resolved. Yes, I wish I could help her. I know that I can't. I might have a chance to help my self, but I can't help her.

It weighs on us. We spent a lot of time with a particular type of woman. The type who lives on a razors edge.  If she was using meth when with you, that just takes it to off the chart levels of ecstatic dysfunctionality. Nothing in a relationship can compete with the meth rush, and how it turns them on in the kraziest (almost inhuman) of ways. BPD + meth is perhaps the most deranged cocktail imaginable conceived by some lunatic deity. I'm sure you did your best, but that combo is beyond the powers of any functioning man to handle. Her addictions weren't your responsibility--that's on her. They're alluring, but so friggin broken, and we tried. That has to be good enough. Tread easy.

Perfidy I had a weak moment today.

I spend a whole year getting over my last BPD ex... . I think half the reason it was so painful was because she actually came along at the time the girl before herself left (I think she has BPD too definitely ill anyway). This girl before her I was very much in love with. We were seeing each other for about a year. She would have such a sweet side but would snap from jeckyl to hyde with just a click of the fingers. Anyway without going into such a long story I was very much in love with her and It didn't work out. It ended for good in July 2012 and the last time I had any contact or visual of her was this time last year.

Anyway... .

Thanks to damn social media I by accident saw a photo of her with a girl I know. She hasn't changed a bit very much the same girl i was at least physically attracted too. I've been dealing with these painful emotions now all day I guess that were surpressed for a long time. I remember what pain she caused me with the cheating and lying about it but then I also remember the love i once had for her as well... . It almost got me tempted to contact her to be honest... .

I don't handle abandonment well and I'm not afraid to admit it. Compared to me Perfidy I think you are very strong hang in there my friend.

Thank you everyone for your input and support. Some thoughts are occurring to me. Like conundrum mentioned, she is very broken. My resolve to recognize this and put this relationship behind me has been propelled by facing this fact. I'm not numb. I feel. I believe my feelings are aligned with reality. I can feel good about my self. I cried last night for the first time in many months. I let the sadness out and today I'm feeling fairly good. It wasn't at all validating to hear her say that she thinks about me every day and that I haunt her dreams. I already know she's screwed up and I don't need or want any further validation of that. Kind of creepy though, to think she knows my moves and just pops in from nowhere. I want no contact. How did she know I was even here? I didn't expect it.

No truer words were spoken on the subject of meth and PD's. We were dancing with the partially resurrected dead.

For the people who are really hurting ask how do you heal - this is it in a nutshell... . rinse and repeat

No matter what else happened, at the core is we are deeply sad that something we thought was "forever" is over and we are powerless in it.

You were tested and you passed. You felt your feelings and continue moving on. There will be more to feel. Other tests. Seeing it for what it is, you know you'll make it. Thanks for being so honest.

Thought there was a little too much bravado perfidy luv... . thinkin of you today perf 

Perfidy, i relate to what you wrote above. When the sadness is let out, we feel lighter, better... is a different type of crying (I know it sounds crazy) but is a like a deep cry for an emotion that was sitting deep in us (me)... that was liberating.

as for the second question, is true, is like they follow our steps... . this makes it a bit harder for us to move on and detach... . a true test of strength  |iiii