BPDFamily.com

A straight forward, short and direct question

What could  a Non do that would trigger a pwBPD the most? Would it be words, actions or both?

I know you are looking for easy, but triggering is not a "one size fits all answer"

what makes you ask this question?

1. If she feels you might abandon her, 2. if you tell her she is wrong. 3. if she feels invalidated (i am using the female 'her' because of my ex)

I think if you tell them they are wrong its the biggest one.

BPD persons look for those they can manipulate. Not because they are evil but they need to keep control. In the case of my last 2 ex's (both suspected BPD) I called them out on their BS and that was when it was all over and eventually never heard from them again. I was no longer of use.

Intimacy. A pwBPD craves what you and I crave, emotional closeness/intimacy. Once that is achieved, that is what triggers the pwBPD into that other side of their fragmented personality. In their mind, it triggers the abandonment issues that are linked to the closeness/intimacy they crave. So that other side to them pushes you away because in their mind, the fear of abandonment whether real or imagined... . is real to them. It is why that other side that appears, is such a god awful entity.

They scare themselves. That's who they're always running from.

The biggest fears of mine:

1. Being abandoned

2. Being cheated upon (which is a form of #1)

3. Not being loved (#1 again)

4. Being alone

She's verbalized all three to me over the years, so it's interesting that convincing herself that I did #1 (in a sense this is true from a feelings standpoint), she became the physical manifestation of #s 1 and 2, and did #3 to me as well, leaving me #4.

Another thing that may or may not have anything to do with the disorder: being controlled... . while she seeks to control those around her, not succeeding in either one.

Willingtolearn

That is a very complex question.

PwBPD lack a sense of self.  They are constantly shifting who they are and what triggers them.  The constants in BPD involve abandonment, fear of being judged, self-loathing, lack of empathy, loss of control, and emotional dysregulation.  My BPDs is very paranoid.  

What sets them off?  Well, some days, just about anything.  Any kind of conflict, a look something you say or do not say.  The list is endless.

Check out the communication skills here on this site as well as how to put boundaries in place.  I think you will find both very helpful in dealing with a pwBPD and trying to avoid triggers.

As for fear... . I believe they live in constant fear of just about everything and everyone.  It is very difficult to make them actually feel safe and loved.  It is a never-ending process.

Good luck.

In my humble opinion,

I think its being called out on their BS. They hate being wrong and being so called threatened. They also tend to give the other individual plenty of reasons to want to leave. I remember one time, my ex said to me that she tested me to see what would push me away from her and it seemed that no matter what she did, she knew I wouldn't give in so easily.  Its also what the above mentioned about emotional intimacy. Once they feel that they are not getting that from you. They tend to want to find it, and when they do, yes their insecurity will come in. Contrary to what others believe, I do think inside of them that they feel some sort of insecurity of their actions, and try and cover it up as they are the innocent party...

MGL

From my relationship ONLY I can tell you his fears:

Infidelity

Not caring about his feelings

Not "minding" him

Not being there for him all the time

Being alone

Object constancy

Not getting enough attention from me

Not answering his texts, emails or phone calls immediately

Taking money out of the account

Withdrawing from him gradually, he sensed it and became more angry, really stepped up the abuse.

He was afraid of so many things, but really it just came down to the fact that he can't control everything or everyone, and thus people may hurt him by leaving, dying, whatever.

It's a sad way to live, but he just pushes everyone away with his behavior, which is the opposite of what he really wants. He does not want to be alone, EVER.

L

Not having control.

They think if they don't control you, then there's a chance you might leave them, so they want you totally isolated and with no means of escape. If they feel like they're losing control of you, then they leave you first.

Fear of abandonment.

Getting no attention.

Being alone.

Its funny that they are scared of not getting enough attention from you, but yet they are most likely the ones that is rejecting your company. At least that was the case in my situation... .

<MGL