BPDFamily.com

Hello everybody.

It's been awhile for me as I have been trying to support my marriage despite my BPD Mother's behavior. Everything has come to a head though. My Mother has been pushing to come down from her home state to us, which is just six hours away. Like, inviting herself to Christmas and expecting us to visit every other holiday (even non-specific ones! Arbor day! That kind of stuff!)

Also, she's been trying to visit me for random occasions, like berry picking. She does this because that is when my husband won't be around as a safety net/third party. Being alone with her is bad for me. That's when she gets grope-y and even more manipulative.

As she's been pushing harder and harder to be around me I have had to start putting up boundaries. More worrisome is the strain that this is putting on my marriage. My husband is fed up with her and ready to put boundaries down. I am as well and have been taking steps to do so. First, she asked me up to her house on Mother's Day to clean her house. I said no and was rewarded with a week of NC (that was great!  :)) Then I had to shut her down in a phone conversation. She called using my Dad's phone so we could "talk". Then she sent me a message saying how hurt she was by my inability to let her visit. She sent the same message over and over again until I told her that I wanted healthy boundaries and would be turning off my phone for the rest of the day. Her response? She wants to come down and do therapy with me. 

She's siccing my Grandma on me now, too. My Grandma has been more of a mother to me than my BPD mother. Too bad that Grandma is in denial about her daughter or her husband's past behavior. I know that Grandma just wants me to make up as she has done in the past.

So here's where I am right now. I'm an only child who wants to go NC for a year or more for the sake of my marriage and (just as importantly) my well-being.

Maybe you wiser people can help me out here? Like, those of you who have been through something close to this? I'm feeling oddly hollow and strong at the same time.

Hello stranger!     almost sounds like a really cool pickup line in an old Western .

I think you have two remarkable things going for you, well, knowing me it will turn into several more .

1) Your hubby is way ahead of you on this, no thoughts about "but she's your mother" or anything like that that sometimes well-meaning son-in-laws might say.

2) You are totally totally burned out on this woman. Just like mine, if any other human on the planet had done and said the things she was doing to me in my adult years, let's just scratch off the totalitarian abuse she waged against us as children - I'd have shown her the door years and years before, this other human who broke every rule of civility and decency society's ever invented.

3) I knew there'd be more than 2 positive things but this one might be "iffy" and it's from my own corner of this type of thing - I have/had three siblings. One is deceased. When I tried to finally in early 40s break away from this woman, our mother, one sibling let me have it but good. Stood by her and our father. The other sibling respected my wishes but teeter/tottered (who wouldn't after decades of being afraid of breaking HER rules, not living by our own?) about whether to stay in contact as her abuse just escalated once I absconded.

You are on your own as a singlet/only child... . BUT you won't have anyone sabotaging your efforts to be strong - my sibling that stood by parents/abusive mother sent mail, left VMs etc... . really really triangulating crap.

You also sadly won't have a sibling who can completely validate you and say, "My god, it's about time we did this isn't it?"

Well... . my wobbly sibling finally cut her off completely due to her mental illness. But as she lay dying exactly a year ago, he got right back on board. He went back. That was fine, I told him to and to do whatever he needed.

Well once back in the family fold, where my father and this other sibling have never ever considered him worthy, following our mother's road map of family roles and dynamics - exactly one year ago today was the last time I heard from him.

Funny, that.

I wasn't laughing over this past year as i realized the price I paid, but I am better off without him and he must most obviously be better off without me.

It always works out like it should.

Your desire to focus on your marriage and this very astute man you have - it's coming in loud and clear in your thoughts. You already know how much she resents you being loved and supported. She will continue to work against that.

Somewhere on this site is some info on JADE - when we Justify, Account, Defend and Explain and why we just don't have to do that and it doesn't get us anywhere anyway.

Here is the script you might want to use for what might be the last time you speak with her, if No Contact (NC) is how you want to pursue your freedom and find calm -

"I am going to say this only once. So please listen and hear me, I am only going to say this today, right now... . I am no longer in contact with you via email, text or phone or regular mail. I will not respond to any texts, emails, phone calls or letters you send me. I will not respond. I will not allow you on my property. I will call the police if you show up on my property and have you removed."

I'm thinking you only say what YOU will or will not do. Don't even provide explanations. You've done that, over and over, for years, if you're like me. The good thing is you are way way ahead of me on the learning curve - I never had a forum like this when I tried to figure her out, I just knew I was physically ill - throbbing migraines, raised blood pressure, diarrhea - every time I had to be around her.

Say what YOU will or will not do. Be prepared if she shows up to get help in making her leave. That is your right. Do not send letters back (I did for awhile marked Return to Sender and it just got my father all self-righteous about their mailman seeing that ). Do not respond to panicky self-threatening stuff.

DO NOT RESPOND. Once you tell her you are done, then see to it that you are done. Period.

You can water down that idea of completely cutting her off and no JADE... . or however you feel it might work... . but I had to come back to what I wrote above in writing and threaten them with an attorney.

She got that message from me in writing.

And then *I* stuck to it.

It's about what we are going to do or not do. Not just shutting them down.

They don't recognize us once we say, "No more." They don't know where their little softy daughter went. Mine so did not ever believe me that I was done. Finished.

She hounded the sibling that was still in contact with me. Demanding info about my life. This only drove him that much sooner to cut her off.

She's dead now, for whatever reasons he went back I'm not so sure being with her was why because she passed away right after he jumped ship with me.

So your good high ground is your hubby is behind you, you are only too aware how much you need to make this permanent (from the way you describe it) and (in my opinion but it's probably not how you would look at it) you do not have siblings to rock you around.

You don't mention your father... . about your grandmother, you might have to either not communicate with her either if she campaigns for your mother or stick devotedly to, "Grandma, I've told you  I am not discussing that, we need to talk about something else today or I will call you next week - I will not discuss it."

You can do it.

I see you really envisioning your life with him and running after it      Alot of times some of us adult children don't have that kind of prize... . just feels like left with less than nothing and it can hinder the process.

Go for it.   

You sound measured in your approach and understand why you feel the way you do and you have a plan; ure year NC or so (also you and your partner make a good team, bonus). I would do it! I have come to the same conclusion, so know what you have been through with all the decision making. My NC will be permanent but as you know it doesn't have to be, really up to you. Having said that your Mom may not want to reconnect after the NC year... how would you feel if she doesn't?

If you have organically arrived at this point and happy for it, do it! All the very best to you strangerinparadise - great name... . hope when you get to paradise you will not longer be a stranger to it. You deserve a great life - like every single person on here, you haven't had the easiest ride, enjoy your marriage and do what's best for you and the ones you truly care about.

(I should add, I've been VLC for a couple of years... . and I have come on leaps and bounds. VLC worked as mine is the ignoring type! It just happened when I stopped making the effort.)

You need to focus on you and your marriage!  It's not an easy thing to do, and I could see how you are concerned being an only child.  Having a sibling doesn't ensure that you get a supportive family member - mine cut me off the same time I started putting down boundaries with my mom.  I knew that moving towards NC with my mom would cut me off with my whole FOO, and it was scary at first.  But I'm finding my own feet and doing much better now.

You don't have to stay NC forever if you don't want.  It seems like a good idea to take some time, focus on your marriage first, and once you've taken care of that then you can focus on working on your relationship with your mom.

You seem like you've already realized this, but I wouldn't suggest therapy with your mom.  If she isn't willing to go work on her own problems individually with a therapist, chances are she just wants to get you in a room with someone she hopes will back her up once she starts saying everything that's wrong in the relationship is your fault.

It's hard when you have relatives telling you that you should mend the relationship.  I have a well-meaning one who makes comments to me about how it's sad that we can't work things out, and I either just agree that yes it's sad, or I ignore the comment.  She also makes comments to my husband about him and his parent who he's cut out of his life, and he usually tells her that he has no desire to have a relationship with someone who was abusive.  She finally just stopped bringing it up.  You can always tell her that it's your decision and you don't want to hear her talk about it anymore, and if she won't listen, you can go as far as to say that you aren't willing to talk about it and if she keeps bringing it up you are going to end the conversation (set up your own boundaries with gma).

It's not easy, but for me it was really worth it to get some space to work on my issues without distraction.  I don't think I could focus on them as well with her still in my life.  My husband has made comments about how I seem so much happier and relaxed now.

You can do it.

Thank you all so much for your advice! 

I'm going to practice this as I work on my NC. It's a little upsetting to me as I work on this.

Just as a follow up, I blocked her phone and im's. She had been spamming me every morning about how much she loves me. Then she started acting like everything was okay and we were friends again. So I blocked her. Now she emailed me that she dropped her phone in the toilet and won't be texting me for a while. Coincidence? Hmmmm... .

Sorry to double-post, I don't know if I'll get into trouble but... . I read the rest of her email.

":)ropped my phone in the wash water so no more texts from me for awhile. i will always love you no matter how mad and pissed off you get at me.

Mom"

She was the one who was mad at ME. So since she's already flipped it around, should I even bother responding. I think my NC letter (which I'm working on with my T) Is going out soon!

Sorry, guys, I just had to vent!

Well, any attempt at her to act like the bigger person, loving you basically no matter how awful you get, Paradise, is pretty transparent now.

Before you do anything else except working on your letter (which I advise you not to mail, I did and it just ramped up the insanity, but that is an individual choice, as I also knew I'd said my truth and how we lived as babies and children once and for all) - bask in Paradise in the silence and the calm of a submerged cell phone.   :)

The NC letter will certainly float her phone right back up again.

That's when you have to practice your resistance to lures and bait to have you re-engage.  The NC is actually hard work for us as they chisel away at it with letters, calls, blacking us to others, etc.

Think of anything she does from this moment on as propaganda (she is trying to survive, honestly, look at it like that, it's why it can be so mean and desperate).

Just like junk mail - in the mental waste bin without even opening it.

Have a place in your head where this stuff just gets trashed and burned.

You are strong, you have no idea how strong you are.

PS About "double post" worry -

This is your thread. You are its driver so to speak.

I think the only time the admin might worry about double posting is when we actually start multiple multiple threads - we get the best responses when it's sort of streamlined with one thread.

You can post in your own thread as much as you like, from what I gather.

Just wanted you to know how much I encourage you to vent and say anything you need to.

It's so healthy.