BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone. Checking in here. It's been 5 weeks of very limited, controlled contact but mostly no contact only by text and she initiated the few times.  But I slipped up today. She left a message that she was having a horrible day because someone hit her car in the parking lot. I felt bad (I know, I got weak). So I called her back. But you know, I'm really proud of myself. I didn't get sucked in emotionally. I expressed concern, offered thoughts on how to fix her car (from the picture very very very minor damage, like just paint damage the size of an eggplant), and listened, but was just matter of fact and polite. She started crying, that she has no money (she makes more than me by quite a bit) and "why does this happen to me when I just bought a stranger coffee" kind of thing. I kept it short. 5 minutes. And was done and then carried on with the rest of my day. (Saw a movie, visited at my parents house, did a few house projects).  So I have to say, I did well. Hearing her voice usually sucks me in.  She has the most beautiful voice. And when I noticed myself getting drawn into it I caught myself and told myself to stop. I just reminded myself that this woman is no longer my wife. She doesn't know that I know, but she is in a relationship with someone else. (Not sure why she called me with this and not him). But all in all, I'm proud of myself for taking this bump - this moment of weakness - and rolling past it.  I've noticed that her pattern of contacting me - even though she is dating another man - is for when she needs something (gas smell in her apartment, car gets hit in the parking lot, that she was feeling sick). Being on the outside now I am able to see things more clearly. 

For those of you have split from a BPD, do they often still contact you when they have a bad day, aren't feeling well, need something even when they already have a replacement?

Seeking, as far as I can tell, it can be quite common even when they have a replacement.

We put up with the disorder, rages, outbursts and so forth that many others wouldn't. Imagine if she is in the middle of idealisation phase with the replacement but is getting those intense feelings of shame, guilt etc... building up. She can't self soothe so her options are either to drop her mask in front of replacement or seek out the person who used to soothe those feelings before, simply because we put up with it.

I have been NC with my exBPDw for a year now, have no clue about anything she is up to but can tell things aren't going too great. Despite her insistence that I never contact her again (which I have stuck to) I get regular emails, some abusive, some emotional blackmail but all of them pleading for a response. She is struggling in debt right now and as I used to take care of a lot of the financial things (though I did nothing at all in her eyes, it was all her). Everything was tied up in the divorce agreement so we both started with clean slates. Her debt now is her own doing. She may or may not have a replacement but that is not my concern.

Yes, it's very common.  It's an attachment Disorder.   The question is whether you wish to respond.   There are many sides to the correct response.  But my suggestion is to be very careful if you are going to break NC.  Be very mindful of your response.

In the 10 things that can keep us stuck it states:



The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned.

If you do rescue here, do you think it will end here?  And if you are mirrored and idealized, can you resist?  Getting pulled back in could kill either you, your ex or both.

Thanks for posting and good luck.  Others on the board, will have advice.  Use it to help make a decision. 

Seeking,

I think you did really well mate. Returned her call in a moment of weakness, stayed mindful & aware of yourself, and brought the matter to a conclusion with calm. Well done brother!

As for the question about it being common that they reach out? Yeah, from what I read here I say it is.

In the three break ups I've had with my ex, she's had a replacement in two of them & she didn't reach out until those replacement romances failed. So mine doesn't reach out while she's involved. But yes I think many do.

WOW, ... the old, ... . "help me, ... . someone hit my car"... . routine.

Been there, done that (like 27 times).

27 times!

She calling you from the demolition derby?

27 times!

Wow, your ex must be high functioning.  Mine called after car crashes a lot more times. :)

Blurgh.  Yeah... . definitely... .  

Things is someone ALWAYS rescues these people from their messes.  If they are low functioning and have trouble getting/keeping jobs they usually accrue a bunch of debt due to their overspending and entitlement issues. 

She's really just wanting to see if you'll bite.  It's amazing.  I used to take care of TONS of crap for mine but she would forget that I'd done it almost immediately.  Parking tickets, hospital bill, whatever. 

I think a VERY high percentage of BPD's have incredibly bad credit.  They're just not equipped to deal with the real world. 

She'll call you to fix it.  My ex would call her me... . or her Dad.  Always daddy's little girl willing to clean up her messes despite her blowing say $300 on makeup nails, alcohol, and drugs for a single night out.  Her ex friends would try to give her photography jobs and she'd show up wasted. 

Scary part was she'd tell me how she could get more money out of her dad... . and then bhit about not getting paid enough by her friends for the photography jobs. 

It's your life man, but if it were me I wouldn't talk to her again.  If you're a white knight like me you'll eventually go into rescuer mode if it gets bad enough.  Next time she'll need a ride to the hospital over some imagined pain. 

She can survive without you.  She has her whole life.  She might need some poor replacement to deal with this financial irresponsibility and crap but thats not your job anymore. 

FOG - Fear Obligation Guilt.  The obligation and guilt are getting you now.  As soon as mr next comes you'll be a memory.  Not trying to hurt your feelings but its true.     

 

Something about the broken car, damsel in distress routine.  I have been no contact with my stb ex wife and she has pulled the exact same routine.  Car is having problem and I need to take it to the garage.  My response: "do it yourself."  As far as I can tell, she is still looking for "herself."

Thanks for the replies everyone.

The thing is, the stbxwife has a replacement already.  She's been seeing the other man for over two months (she doesn't know that I know about him).  But I think for her I am still her emotional lifeline.  Her emotional lifeboat.  Always have been.

I do have the White Knight in me and have happily played that role over the years.  But I've been working really hard NOT to fall into that routine with her any more.  So far, it's working.  She's contacted me 3 times in the 5 weeks about money.  Specifically how she has none.   And worried about paying her bills.  I got lines like, "I guess I'm going to have to cancel my cable since I cant afford it.  Or, if I don't go grocery shopping for a few weeks I can pay for this.  Or, I'm getting taken to collections for an unpaid doctor bill."   My friends you see, she makes 98k a year!  She should have no trouble financially.  Luckily she is very high functioning, has a great job.  Otherwise who knows what would be.

I'm working very hard at detaching and handled the phone conversation so well. I'm also making sure I reach out to other family and friends for emotional support and not think about her when I need support. 

yep, ... at least. My ex is a very low functioning. She thrives on getting a reaction. The drama of a car accident seems to really appeal to her.

Monnie75, ... . I don't think that you quite understand my situation, ... . whatever case is described here by a member, ... . I can out beat any story here with what went on in my (and my children's) lives.  Did I mention that I have video content... . ? 

Seeking,

I have said before and I will say it again, contact gives us a good gauge at where we are in the detachment process.

You are good - honestly.  The fact you can be kind, validate her without taking it on - you should feel very good about your progress.

Does this mean you want to have lunch with her next week - likely not a great idea. 

It is not unusual she contacted you in her moment of deepest stress, you were her buffer/fixer a lot and you are a coping tool in her toolbelt.

My ex only contacted me about money too in the end - it hurt me deeply actually.  I didn't like being reduced to that role.

How are you doing emotionally?

SB

Hi Seeking Balance,

Emotionally?  I think I'm doing fairly well.  Like so many of you on this site, I have good days and I have hard days.  I'm finding myself less irritable, less depressed.  So that's huge.  I'm missing her less.  But I definitely feel lonely.  I'm trying so hard to keep busy.  The gym has been a great help and I'm trying to do more things with family and friends.  I have a few DIY projects around the house I'm really excited about too.  So all in all, I've improved from about a month ago when I first joined this website.  I definitely feel progress and have learned a lot.  I'm trying to rebuild myself physically, mentally and emotionally.  And although its taking time, I do feel progress.

You are so right, her contact yesterday was a great gauge for me on the detachment process.  It did not consume me like it would have in the past and to me that means good progress :)

Yeah, the now 3 times I've heard from her about her money situation is frustrating.  Or when she needs some kind of emotional support.  She utterly rejected me very rudely and coldly over the past 4 months of the separation when I did try to be there for her and show support.  So when I stopped doing that, I'm seeing that I have been and will continue to be used.  And I'm glad I have that clarity now.  When I was in the thick of things, I didn't have that clarity. 

I really appreciate everyone on this site for their continued comments and sharing their stories.  Knowing I'm not alone is a blessing.

I am right there on being the nice guy / white knight.  Have been separated from my uBPDw for about 2 months now.  She calls on Wednesday (5 days after payday) and complains that she has no money for gas or food. A little digging unearths that she has sent her entire paycheck over to her attorney for fees for the divorce and she basically expected that I would continue to put my entire paycheck the account for her to use as she see fit.  Somehow she managed to spend $1,600 at the grocery store for herself and one child in 35 days - really?

Anyway S16 had to go to her house to get a book and of course after she has bombed me for 5 days with texts and emails complaining of her dire need to put gas in the car, I stop and get her a $25 gas card.  Son goes in to get the book while I wait in the car, and I asked him to give his mother the gas card.  Took her all of about 1 minute to respond graciously - she walked out to front porch shouted "F#$k You!" and flipped me the double bird.

On the bright side it is making it easier for me to detach with each event.

There are many stories here that back this up as a common behavior from pwBPD.

And yes, unequivocally we were once their 'buffer/fixer' in times of stress... . But once they have moved on with a replacement, why is it so common they contact an ex, instead of the current 'buffer/fixer' in their life? Surely they see the replacement as having that role now, just like we had that role when we replaced someone before us?

I'd like to understand this a little more if you can help? it confuses me no end!

Moonie.

The BPD I was with tried to contact me several times last year after a breakup. More or less every two weeks. With health complaints or trying to blame me. It was all about trying to establish contact with me and manipulate me.

She still worried about me not wanting her in my life even after our final breakup and the fact that she was sleeping with another person. This is all about their fear of abandonment.