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I had a dream last night. At the end of it, his good husband routine had worn me down, the guilt for pushing away someone who needed me so, who had been being so kind, got to me. I gave in, collapsed into his arms. We lay on a bed in my childhood bedroom, my head propped on his chest, heavy with the lie of wanting him back. Then I woke up.

I haven't kissed him or touched him intimately since September. I might never again. Thirteen years, and the lifetime that I expected. I felt the guilt following me through the house, into the kitchen. A voice outside of me said, "Won't you lay your life down, to save someone else's?" "Yes." I thought. "I have given up and would give up my life for his." Ashamed.

But then the voice said, "But you've been laying your life down for no purpose. You cannot save him. Only yourself."   :'(

Crucifying myself for him has been pointless, all it created was two miserable people instead of one. That truth finally reached my core. So grieved for both of us.

Seneca, I'm so glad to hear you're open to allowing evolution in your feelings and your decisions.  |iiii It might be helpful to keep a log of these really vivid dreams you have regarding your marriage. They will probably keep your waking mind abreast of the changes taking place over time.

Maybe your husband is having similar dreams and making similar changes in his views. It may be healthy for both of you to let these necessary things happen.

You have a real eloquence. Such a sad dream.

I ended a marriage when I was 32.  I had a 6 year old son, so had tried to stay with it, persisting, until one day, in yet another disagreement, I saw Ben was hiding under the dining room table clutching the cat, a typically irritable creature who was lying complacently in his arms with her eyes closed.

I knew then. It had to be over.