BPDFamily.com

I write this this morning having spent 10 minutes last night with a knife to my throat and 15 minutes this morning with a shotgun to my chest, I been at work as my wife was on the phone berating me, of course I never told her about the shot gun.

She was depressed all weekend and despite what I did to take her out and try nice things, she didnt care.  She told me to take back whatever gifts I got her for Valentine's Day and Christmas and Anniversary which is also this month.  She wants none of it.

Sunday she refused to get out of bed.  Which means, did all the work around house such as trash, dishes, cleaning, cooking, spring cleaning kids room, taking care of kids, shopping for necessities, checking in on her needs, disposing of all carpet in the house because she had decided it was no good and cut it all out, etc.  Then of course, she is in bed because I ruined her life.  She is miserable she claims she it is all my fault.  My fault because she hates the house we live in, claims I am cheap, claims I do not know here, claims I will just hit up the holidays again.  I do what I can, I make decent money, roughtly $95k a last year.  I let her try everything her way last year which drove up our debt $25k.  She has no job besides cleaning part time which she hates, and just graduated with a degree in art, but is too scared to use it.  I am guessing all of this plays a role, she blames me for art degree though cause she was english and wanted to do art and i encouraged it...

All the BPD was there and was rough since the beginning.  Then last year at her final art show, my mother did not show up cause of work and a problem with her granddaughter.  That started a massive slide of hatred for my mother, and hatred for me.  Within 6 weeks it seemed divorce was inevitable.  Of course, she then found out she was pregnant.  I wanted to do whatever she felt best, but when pressed on my opinion i did say, it might be best to not have a child when it looked like we were not going to possibly make it and finances were so tight already with 2 kids. The abortion was a nightmare as the doctor went bezerk midway through and verbally assaulted everyone to the point of causing PTSD for my wife who still cannot sleep from ordeal.  I regret it all and always have apologized and insisted even before the operation I would support and love regardless. 

Now she says she hates me and that she doesnt have love nor friendship with me.  I do feel I know more about her than anyone else, but its not enough apparantly.  She says she wants a divorce now after last night telling me to move out, but of course she wants pretty much everything. 

The whole time I kept trying to validate and say I understand how she feels and that its horrible and that I can understand why she would feel that way.  She got mad at that and said the therapy with DBT was making things worse even though doc said better.  She had no interest in anything but saying how horrible she felt and how I was all fine and felt nothing and had no interest in any pain I felt.

Finally this morning i continued to validate, but finally let her know that while I cannot fathom the depth of her pain that I am truly hurting too.  Its then I am just half assing everything, I do not care, I have no clue what real pain is, etc.  When I tell her the abortion was a mistake and I feel horrible, but I did say I was always supportive of not doing it and that I do love her that I was passing the buck.  That I always do then starting in on how her doc says my mom has issues that that I have issues as a result. 

I am not denying I have issues, we all do I think.  I go to therapy and have for 30 years.  My doc says I am doing well.  I am certainly nothing like either of my parents according to everyone

I tried to get more of my self back.  I started going back to church yesterday again which I havent cause my wife thinks religion is a way for smart people to be made dumb.  She of course brought up how could I show up in church after an abortion.  made tons of low blows, brought up things from 7 years ago. 

I honestly do not want to go on.  I want all to end.  I want more than anything to do what is right.  I know I am not perfect, and I know I need improvement.  I worry I am being punished by  God with this because I am not doing all that is right.  She said she regrets us meeting...

She said to get divorce papers today, and make sure it says she gets house, car, $1300 a month in income, all profits from house, etc... She says she is owed that for all she put in and what I did not.  How I screwed her by not having it all in her name too

btw... the house i bought before her, the car is in my name cause we could not get a loan on anything cause her credit is so poor.  She makes maybe $1000 a month off side jobs and is about to have student loans come due.  She made it clear I have no right to the children I raised with her that are 14 and 11 for the past 11 years because neither is biologically mine...  

Even if we stayed together she made it clear she would never go to any events with my family with her kids.  She was so angry after the show with my mother she had me chew her out then she was angry since I also work part time in family business I did not make more and had my chew her out because she brought her granddaughter to graduation.  My mother found out I had a black eye from wife being physical with me and was furious.  At Christmas after my wife made a joking comment with my sister who told my mom, my mom texted her she would not be disrespected in her home and to please act proper.  Wife asked to speak with her in the garage.  Things were heated but civil when my wife said "what goes on between my husband and i is not your business"  which I agree but mom responded "dont you ever lay a hand on my son again".  that nailed the coffin

I cant stop loving my BPD wife.  I do not feel anger nor rage towards her.  I am extremely hurt.  I worry I am to blame in many ways.  I am sure I am.  I do not know how to seperate what is her false reality from what is reality.  I guess I am moving out tonight.  I really do not know where.

I guess I am going to get divorce papers like she wants.  She got upset because last night I put all my combs, toothbrushes etc in my travel bag in preparation. 

First off, we all get so used to doing what they want.  If you don't want to get the papers right now, don't.  You will be doing it just hoping that if you do all the right things, she will change her mind.  Let her get the papers.  or let her calm down.  But don't go file for divorce.  She just wants to be able to forever blame you for that, too.  You do not want that, not one bit.  You are trying to save your family.

This is a cruel illness.  I spent five years doing all the work only to be told I was lazy, a bad mom, etc. (yes women go through it too)... .  Yet I felt I had to prove that I wasn't a bad mom etc.  It is sometimes just pointless to argue with someone who has a mental illness.  Just pointless.  My mom thinks the fbi is out to get her and I get into arguments trying to prove they aren't.  

You KNOW you are a good person, a good husband, a good dad.  It took 2 people to have the abortion.  it is surely a trying experience that can give anyone PTSD.  You may have it from everything that has happened too.  Having a third kid in this situation would have been rough.

Whatever happens, please do not hurt yourself.  Maybe the thought of it gives some relief for a few minutes, but you won't get to come back and see what might happen, and you won't get to protect your kids, and you won't get to love all the things that are to come.

It's fine to love your wife.  Just know she has an illness.  Just know it is not your fault.  If you two DO spilt up, you will have to think about how much you have the kids, how much custody you want, etc.  :)on't give up anything just to be nice, without thinking.  

Please put your gun out of reach of yourself AND your kids AND your wife.  Kids always find guns.  Maybe somewhere far away and safe.

You and your wife are both hurt by this illness.  You are a hero for getting both of you into therapy and trying so hard.  I know how it feels.  It sucks.  I was crying in my office this morning because I love my husband.  But he is cruel in front of the kids.  

Things can't get worse than they just did for you, so they can only get better, right?

I hope someone else can be more helpful.  But please don't hurt yourself.  You are a good, loving person and the world needs more of those.  All you can do is be honest with your wife and express love and do your best, but don't do things you deeply don't want to do - like go file for divorce.  If she wants it, let her do the dirty work.  Maybe she won't do it.

It will just be like with the abortion, where she can blame you if things ever get bad - hey, you're the one who filed?  If you don't want a divorce, DONT file.

I want the pain to stop.  I want first and foremost to be a good person.  A good husband, a good father.  If things fail and I gave it my best, I think I can live with that, but I just worry that is not the case in all of this.  I have a hard time believing I couldnt have done better.  Alot of self doubt here.  If we were dating and had seperate places, I would just stay there.  It makes it harder because my wife had torn the crap out of our place so its not even like we can sell and move.  Last January, she said she couldnt stay there anymore.  She said she had to move or if she could fix up the baths a little she could feel better for 5 years... . she said about $2500.  Ended up costing $10k and 3 months and that is after SHE and her friend did the work so that was all supplies!

Another $5k later and she has torn out all the carpet and flooring in the house because she got some grout on it and cause the pet dog she insisted on having and got without telling me (the third such dog, but I like him even though he hates me) has pissed on the carpet in so many areas that it is horribly stained and smells.  The carpet is only 4 years old!  Gone now... living on subflooring

She saw under the sink where some water had made one of the inside boards soft, tore out all the cabinets in the kitch and countertop... and removed some of the 4 year old tile floor to do it.  Cant even sell our house now... stuck here.  not to mention she charged it all on cards so my debt to income is killing us now. 

I want this all to stop.  I want the pain to stop.  I do not want to be selfish and run from it because I hurt.  I want her to stop hurting.  I want the kids to feel good.  It makes me feel horrible to think I leave and she kills herself, or she crashes more since isnt that what all BPD fear? abandonement?

I want her to be happy even if thats with another, but that makes me feel pretty hitty that I invested all my blood sweat and tears for 11 years... i came into this marriage with alot and I am leaving not with just less than when I entered, but literally weighing less because I miss meals in order to make sure bills are paid or too scared to eat cause it will upset her, no friends, no hobbies or anything.  She thinks she sacrificed everything to be with me... . when she entered she had a car payment... . and a bankruptcy.  Now she has a car, a house, she eats gourmet food constantly, she gets a new iphone twice a year... I am wearing the same shoes for 3 years... I havent purchased anything for myself in a year and a half.  I do not even care about any of that if I could just get recognized for some of the good I have done.  IT will never happen.  I will have to live with the guilt and shame of failing.  I will have to either be a real ass and desert her or have to suffer my whole life

From what it sounds like, this relationship is a one way street and you are doing the right thing by getting the divorce papers ready. From all of the suicidal thoughts you have experienced, no matter how much you think you love your wife, clearly she has caused you a great deal of misery. And driving you into debt on top of all that is the icing on the crappy cake.

I have only been married for a few years, and have dealt with some crap from my uBPDw, but nothing like you are describing. For your own health and sanity, please do what you can to protect yourself from harm and get out of your marriage as soon as possible. She is clearly out of control and you need to protect yourself from future financial harm. Please know that you are a valuable person and it sounds like you have done absolutely everything you could to make things work. At a certain point, you just have to accept the fact that no matter what you have done, she will not think it's good enough to turn around her behavior.

she claims her therapist says I am part of the problem and she seems to be latching onto alot of that as "i have my problems cause I am like my mother" stuff.  I try not to be like my mother in many ways.  My personality is much different.  Even my wife has said so, but I am concerned that what if I am more of the problem than I realize.  What if I am oblivious to the truth that I am MUCH more at fault than I think?

What if my actions are causing most of this and that others I talk to like my psychiatrist do not see this because I am only giving my version which sounds so much kinder for myself?

How do I even know I am not crazy?

I do not want a medal, I do not care about the past and the horrible things that have happened.  She accuses me of just wanting to move on and do better like its a bad thing.  I do want to move on.  I do want better.  I want us to be equals even though she says I act better than her

It is almost like I want to be told it is my fault and be able to understand it is my fault so that I can then go change things and fix things because I can fix myself to a degree.  I cannot fix her, but things are hopeless.  She is hopeless.  There is nothing I can do left. I used to be the savior to help her and now I am the fault of all her pain.  I cannot seperate and embrace realities because I do not trust myself

It seems like she is majorly projecting her faults onto you. Just the fact that you are so willing to accept the blame and the consequences shows me that she is more likely the one primarily at fault here. That takes maturity to do. What is it about your mother that she doesn't like?

At any rate, it sounds like you guys are both headed for divorce. That may just be the best course of action if you have been this miserable for a while. Are you currently working with an individual therapist? They could really help you sort out these feelings.

dude,  .

you know what? you cannot save this woman, but you are both drowning here. there is no hope for her, will you give up your life in vain?

Sounds like your kids need you.  Who can you talk to in order to get out of this situation?  You just need a break from her verbal abuse.  She is being abusive to you right now.  As to what you could have done better - none of us know what will happen.  I have horrible guilt over things I have done, and yes at least one is abortion related but I have not talked about it here and can't.  We are not perfect.  You are not perfect.  But you DO HAVE THE CHANCE TO do something great which is NOT kill yourself, instead, live and be (someday) a steady person your kids may be able to rely on when your wife is going nuts.

See if your therapist, a lawyer, or someone else can give you some advice for what to do.  Maybe do go to a quiet place where you can rest for a bit.  Don't do anything rash.

Momtara has been making some excellent points here. 

Also, if I can briefly address the abortion/attending church question: awhile back, the wife of the associate pastor at our church stood up in front of the congregation and told everyone that she had an abortion several years prior; that it was a mistake and very traumatic for her; and that now she works to help other women avoid making the mistakes that she made.  Everyone there was very supportive of her and completely non-judgmental.  So your wife is wrong about staying away from church.  Church is not a museum for perfect people - it's a place for sinners in the process of being healed.  If people at your church shun you for being involved in an abortion, I'd advise you to find another church b/c there are some good ones out there.

well she actually hates church long before that.  She did not grow up with anyone taking her to church and has really just the usual misconceptions.  She started getting interested in it when she did AA for a short while, but now even before the abortion she HATES religion.  I mean hates it.  She is total atheist that when you die, you are dirt

She thinks religion is a method that takes smart people and makes them slaves.  It will anger her everytime.

My wife literally called my work 7 times today to remind me how crappy and how much she hates me is.  She got mad at me because it was taking too long to get information on divorce from me.  When I got home tonight

1. she would not let me talk to kids

2. got mad at me for asking where my stuff was as she slept

3. would not let me backup and take with me my accounting software so I could at least manage my business since she said didn't ever want to see me again

4. had the wedding ring and engagement ring both tied up for me which I refused to take. 

5. had another gift for me wrapped and waiting there which scared me...

when I left she came out pissed off cause

a. I didn't take the ring.  She wanted me to take the engagement ring and get her diamond out of it and back to her cause the stone belonged to her father.  I did have her a better ring, but 3 months after I proposed she got drunk, broke into somebody's house, vandalized it and lost the $10k engagement ring

b. I didn't pick up the wrapped gift which was apparently a valentine's day gift.  A book which was cool, but I was not thinking of a gift at a time like this, until the 800 page book was hurled at my head outside

I said thank you and brought in the Valentines day gift for her.  She had asked for this waterproof speaker thing, but I looked around and found out that it was durable but bad sound and found out what was rated the best speaker for her application and got that.  She opened it, threw it to the ground saying it wasn't what she asked for.  I apologized and left, before she chased after me and threw it at me.  I am a bit scared about the flowers that are supposed to be delivered Friday... . and I should probably not mention our dinner reservations.

Anyways, she wouldn't let me go to a friends to stay and she told me if my mother finds out any of this (my only relative in town) she would do some even more horrible things.  So right now I am sitting at an office I sometimes work at with no heat, crying some, not sure what to do because I have nowhere to go.  Last thing she said was how selfish I am. 

I did make the mistake of two things.

a. when she kicked me out and talked how I ruined her life and that I couldn't talk to kids.  I said "for the first time, I am quite angry at you" apparently she said that was the meanest thing I ever said to her and she started crying

b. later now after she told me I wasn't a man, how she wished she never met me, how she thinks my parents are frauds and slumlords and that I am hitty and my job is crap and that she doesn't care if I lose my job from her calling so much... . I did slip and said "go hit yourself".  immediately I said I am sorry, but too late.  apparently she said that killed us for good

I do not want to play myself as a saint here.  I really do want to be honest.  I totally walked into her rage.  I tried really hard to be understanding, empathetic, validating, not say anything, and tried to walk away (She would call on work line then), but ther ewas nothing I could do.

I am just in a cycle of self doubt and trying to get support for myself so that I can believe I am not at fault, but I cannot.  I keep feeling I could have done something better or different.  That I did ruin her life as she says

Hang in there, if not for yourself for your kids. I went through that process, death is not a solution. As hard as things are need to face it and looking back things have a way of straightening out somehow.

Hurthusband

Maybe lets slow down a bit.  Sometimes these situations spiral.

you mentioned seeing a therapist have you shared these feelings with them?  You wouldnt be the first person to come here horribly depressed and feel that drowning feeling.  Talking to the doctor and possibly looking at some meds to take the edge off is something to discuss.

Can you call the doctor and let us know what he/she says?

you cant deal with your wife, the kids and financial stress if you arent taking care of yourself.  You first... . then all the other stuff later.

I am praying for you. There is some very good advice in this thread.  I am in your very same boat and hope to be out soon.  I keep thinking that one day I am gonna look back on this period in my life and say, God, I do not know how I survived that hell but I did and thank goodness I did survive.  Life is gonna be easy in comparison to these last ten years and I will be able to wake up everyday and appreciate everyday that I will have peace in my life.  I will not take my life for granted anymore after this is over.

Hi Hurthusband

So many good things said here.

You and your safety first. I agree with GreenMango about seeing your T and tell him how are you feeling right now would be a great first step you can do for you.

Nobody of us is perfect, we all had conflicts were in hindsight we could do some things better... . this means not being 100% responsible for a shattered marriage. And it means not someone can blame us endlessly for everything - this is ongoing verbal abusive behavior.

Yes, Hurthusband, you first.

Sending you strength!

Yes, I talked with my psychiatrist on all of this.  He does keep trying to talk me down and if I am not going to leave how to not take her pain as being my fault.  I think to a degree he is confused why I stay even.

In any case, last night I left.  I was not allowed to talk to kids even though they called me.  I do not want to argue with that and get them in the middle of it all.

She did not want me *imposing* on anyone even though a person I work with I would consider a friend who I helped and owes me $1k offered to let me stay in his spare bedroom.  She certainly does not want my mother to know any of this.  So, I slept on the floor of the office last night.  Going to get a shower at the gym I suppose.  She is angry and saying I am not a man and I will never be allowed back in the house unless I *man up* and get a hotel like a real man.  Is that normal?  I mean, I would prefer staying in a hotel, but considering money is a factor in all of this and the debt that has be racked up, I would think plenty of people would stay at a friend or family members rather than just a hotel

Am I crazy in thinking that?  Should I just charge up a hotel room?  I mean I can get a fleabag motel I suppose, but when I could stay at a friends which would be safer even why not do that?  I will stay at the office and shower at gym if she doesnt want that, but should I be staying at a motel?

Hurthusband,  while you have a therapist, I am wondering if you have also made contact with  your local domestic violence counselors?

Men do get just as abused as women and it is just as destructive on their self esteem,  physically, their spirit.

The domestic abuse counselors have really practical actions you can take. They listen, advise, direct you to local resources and other people who have experienced these things too. You sound so lonely and hopeless, maybe direct support and some companionship would really benefit and strengthen you.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. My boyfriend was horribly abused by his ex and her family. He has not healed from it in a lot of ways yet.

It's really important to fight for yourself right now. You have a very valuable life you deserve to be living, and immense contributions that your children and your own self deserve.  

ok, your wife is being a donkey's behind. :) There. I said it.

Who cares what she wants or thinks. You? Why should you? Think about this, she drove you out of your home with her abusive, bullying, controlling behavior. And now she is trying to maintain that abuse and control from a distance and I ask you, friend, to examine your thoughts about why you should allow her to do this to you.

You have friends! You have a mom who apparantly would not like what is being done to you. YOU ARE VALUED and WANTED by friends and loved ones.

A real man gets a hotel room? My boyfriend was driven out of his home and slept weeks at his office on the floor. Then he went home to his family. His mom.

Talk to your friends and your mom. Let them know you need support. They care for you. One mean, hateful person does not get to define your reality. One person in a world of over 7 billion? ONE PERSON?

If one person is going to define your reality, then let that person be you.

I just do not know if it is warranted abuse.  I mean no abuse is warranted, but do you get mad at somebody with cancer when they throw up on you from chemo?  I know its not exactly that, but I do not know.

The physical stuff she has only done 3 times and she even says before an argument she is not going to get physical and I can tell she is trying to contain her emotions from even getting too upset.

I am just trying to make it through a day at work now.  I still am worried about her.  I feel horrible for her.  I want to keep calm and cool and sometimes I do, sometimes I raise voice which is not good.  I cry in front of her which isnt good. 

I do not know where to go from here.  I do not think I have the strength to move in any direction at this point.  I do not want to divorce her and destroy her more.  Ultimately, who has it worse?  I am being abused but once the abuse stops I can recover and feel better.  She is stuck with what is almost like being possessed

I just do not trust myself anymore... I would rather hurt and be a good person than be a selfish person and be happy

Only one reason she wants you to get a hotel room... . if you stay at a friends then she thinks you will tell that person about all her bad behavior.  

yea, i am sure that is the case, but she also gets VERY angry if I say I am staying at my office.  She says its not fair to use the resources of the office.  Plus I think she thinks it is not safe because it is not in the best area.  Threatening to call my step father who happens to own the building.

I will admit I HATE staying at the office.  its 26 degrees out and the office during night has heat off so it is usually around 50 degrees in it.  I can bundle up and go into this one room which holds more heat I suppose though

hi hh. you have a wonderful friend to make such an offer. when my marriage blew up last june, two friends of mine, a couple, gave me their spare bedroom and i lived in it on and off for maybe a month during the summer. not only did i have a place to retreat to but i discovered what wonderful people they were and the friendship was cemented in a way i could never have imagined. and they fed me, and it was free! please consider taking him up on the offer. it helps you now and it could help by establishing a deeper friendship which could be invaluable in the coming months.

and i'm not surprised that she doesn't want your mother to know. when i wrote - briefly, an email of a few sentences - to my w's parents and brother and our mutual friends about what had happened she was livid. she also cut all my family off facebook. it's a BPD characteristic. as is this:


she can do/say anything she wants, but you have no right to react. i had the identical dynamic.

you're in turmoil and with good reason. it's really important to reach out to the people you've got - family, friends, this board, your P. have you talked to a lawyer? it's an empowering feeling to hear what your legal rights are, and it could save you grief too.

let me re-state some things:


so she's been physically abusive three times. otoh,


you worry about raising your voice. no it's not good. how does it compare to physical violence?


i feel horrible for you!


right now, you do. ultimately she has to see her patterns and get professional help. you can't do anything about that, she owns the responsibility

i say these things and i (we, the w and i) don't have children, and that makes a world of difference i know. but you're not the one putting them in the middle. it's said many times on the legal board that children will see how a parent deals with being mistreated and that will be a life lesson. you have to keep that in mind too.

IF it would make her happy to have a divorce that is fine with me.  I really do not care so much what my rights are.  Everything is in my name because when we met her credit was shot and since we been together she has only made it worse, unless I knew about it and paid it off like the cars.  She does not seem to understand financial responsibility and claims I am cheap, although early on when I had money I made sure and spent a ton on her before she then had access and drained me.  We still eat better at nice restaurants than anyone we know just about every night cause she does not cook and when I get home we need to feed kids.

As far as divorce,

1. she hates the house.  if she wants it she can live in it, if she doesnt I will.  If she wants to sell it, we can fix the damage to it and sell it.  She can have all the profit, I do not care

2. neither kid is mine biologically, but one has no parent that pays child support.  I will pay child support at the standard rate no problem. 

3. the car is nearly paid off of course she hates it cause its a 2008 and has 110k miles (she drives about 25k a year).  She can have it.  My vehicle is 10 years old with more miles, I dont care

4. she can have everything in the house.  nothing is mine anyways.

5. all the debt is now in my name so I will take it all

I mean I think that is a pretty solid deal.  A better deal than a lawyer could even get her.  Of course, she will probably not take it.  She has no real job.  She has a college degree but she refuses to use it because she hates the thought of failure or of teaching.  Between child support, her side job work, and she could probably get disability she could bring in $4k a month I bet, not to mention qualify for free healthcare and other assistance.  Certainly not the life she is used to, but many have done worse

Everything she says is a result of my decisions.  I do not want to be held responsible for anymore...

When someone has cancer and is going to throw up or is likely to throw up,  then stepping out of range of the likely area of spatter pattern is a wise thing to be doing.

You have empathy for her. And that is ok. You also, first, need to take care of yourself prudently right now because you are in crisis. At best, caretakers get depleted and need to add self care to the situation. It is self care to sleep, eat, take time to refresh your mind and emotions.

In practical terms, does it matter who is at fault?  In practical application, even if some of it IS your fault, doesn't it help you to be in a position to reasonably be address the problems with a rested and clear mind? With your physical self recovered to a sensible degree?

I am not saying ditch the situation. I am say take a BIG step back, avail yourself of support from the people who care for you. Self punishment, debilitation guilt and anxiety, your mind spiraling down... does it help? First, stabilize yourself. Step back, take care of your needs right now. Maybe it feels wrong because you have been so bullied down and cornered. This is FOG. Once you take some steps to move out of this, you will feel stronger, be able to see clearer.

Really, it's ok to do this. 

Yea, I suppose I need to.  I just am beat.  I am tired.  At any moment she might call.  She is probably in bed now crying or sleeping.  I feel horrible about it.

Valentine's Day is friday, anniversary is the 26th of this month.  Just more depressing things.  Work... so much work to do in so many ways.  I dont know what to do.  I dont want to do anything.  I want to just sleep for a bit. 

Sleep. Rest. It's a human right. It's ok to take care of yourself.  |iiii

Yea, just gotta deal with work... 10 hour minimum work days...

Now she is mad i did not text her to check on her this morning after last night she reamed me for contacting her.  I do not know what is going on

she now berating me saying im selfish and her life is ruined cause of me and things would be easier if she was dead...

I am getting beaten up here.  I do not think she is suicidal, but trying to hurt me.  I am telling her thats not true and asking why she thinks im selfish

I lost it and when she called all upset over child being sick and not having insurance which I told her I needed her income information to qualify correctly for affordable healthcare act, she wouldnt get it to me. I been asking for 6 weeks.  She flew off the handle and blamed me for everything.  I am doing all the taxes, paying all the bills, making 90% of income, handling all the insurance, working 60 hours a week, handling all the vehicles and so forth.  I handle all the trash, the dishes, she does most of the laundry and cleaning i will say.  I handle the food 95% of time. 

Demanding even more in a divorce... literally EVERYTHING we have and me to pay the mortgage indefinitely for the house that is in my name for her to live in.  I finally had it and told her she needs to stand on her own two feet and accept responsiblity for her actions and her life.  She cannot just bleed me to death. 


she got angry and said she would bring up something i did which was against the law in order to help us both out while back.  I am ashamed of it, but it happened.  She has me over a barrel.  Even though I paid off people whose house she broke in and vandalized (they didnt know it was her but i volunteered to pay cause it was right), and several other shameful things in her drug days she did.  She said I have no proof of her physical abuse cause I never filed a report so nobody will ever know about her kicking me, hitting me, hitting me with objects or anything else.

hurthusband,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, this is really, really tough.    Have you thought about engaging a lawyer, even if just to get some advice about what the next steps should be to protect you and your kids?

Good for you that you took your power back today. You can do this, hurthusband, little by little.

How are you feeling today?  Where did you sleep last night?

Hang in there.  We're here for you. 

feeling worse today than yesterday. slept on the floor of an office with a binder as a pillow.  Even if I get a lawyer and go after her, it still hurts her and I have no real right to kids cause they are not biologically nor adopted by me.  They have dads.  She is not abusive to them.  Plus she said she will do everything she can to make me miserable by trying to get me sent to jail or people I care about in jail for things I have talked to her about over the years on people I know.

She is out to destroy lives if I do not play by her rules and she could do it.  I trusted her... . she using that against me.  I let her put me into positions I could not get out of... . it was either do things I did not want to or leave her be, and I stayed.  Now I am going to pay for that from her.

I do not care so much what happens to me, I just do not want her hurting others I care about to hurt me

I don't think it's selfish to have a healthy self interest and to take care of yourself first. Safety is the #1 priority, and if you can't feel safe on a regular basis you really can't feel too good about anything. Good for you for taking some steps towards divorce. I agree with heartandwhole, engage a lawyer to see what your options are.  |iiii

She is just trying to get your goat.  You could talk to a lawyer about her threats.  Tape record them.  She's extorting you.  Anyway, maybe you can talk to her therapist about how she's pushing you away?  Doesn't seem like dbt is working right.

It's too bad that you feel you must keep defending yourself.  Clearly you are a good person who is trying your best.  This is the worst time.  Someday, maybe not so far in the future, you'll feel a lot better and know the direction you're headed.

Hurthusband I am in your exact same shoes right now.  While there is no right answer to her situation you can only go with the best answer. Trying to emotionally detach from her is a good start.  You have to show some emotion toward her because she probably demands it, but fake your emotion toward her.  At least faking your emotion toward her will at least feel like you are in control of the situation unlike her.  Mentally withdraw from her as much as possible but do it slowly until your withdrawal becomes the norm and she doesn't notice any different.  Realize she is sucking you down a drain and like water going down a drain, it is going to go faster and faster.  You need some outside help to pull you out.  Start with some phone calls with appointments and you will eventually find the support you need.  I called the national domestic abuse hotline and the local and they did absolutely nothing for me, probably because I am a male.  But keep looking and you will find it sooner than you think despite how hard it is.

If I can throw this out there, that is pretty impressive and I am amazed you can work that many hours a week to support the family, be a single father, have such a heart toward the kids, and then on top of all of that... . babysit and put up with her inconceivable behavior.  Success will come your way after this bull**** is over!

Hi hurthusband

Like others said it before: No matter what room you are choosing to be at your own, the office, a motel, a friends spare room - you are a man. Being a man isn't depending from sleeping rooms. 

I am really worried about your situation. Being threatened is tough and I think this would qualify for a help desk or a lawyer. Or both.

Are you doing some work-outs in gym? This could help to give you some moments of energy.

Please stay tuned, HH!

It's no wonder you are getting so overwhelmed.

You have a right to enforce a boundry here by simply turning off the phone for the day, or putting it on vibrate and only checking periodically.

I used to workout few times a week every week for past 14 years up until about 6 months ago, but things got so bad and I had to be home at certain times that I just started missing more and more work outs. I am trying, but I would say in past year my strength has dropped 15%.  

I do not want it to sound like I am doing everything.  When she wanted to remodel she did and learned how to do alot herself and did amazing work.  She really can be a hard worker.  Its just too much work pisses her off, too much idle time will set in...

It just feels like not living day to day but trying to make it hour to hour.  She telling me constantly you have ruined all our lives.  It takes its toll when its from somebody you love.

Its also hard because turning off phone just means she calls your job putting your job in jeapardy.  It does not matter that that is the sole main income.  That is the hardest thing... you can set boundaries, but she will literally cut her nose to spite her face.  Turn off phone, she calls business line, tell people you not there, she shows up at your work. 

I do alot of work on phone so cannot really turn it off for long anyways.  She knows me quite well.  I wanted us to be a team and one married unit.  I mean she may not like alot of things nor understand alot of things about me, but she knows my buttons

It has all changed over time and been a certain way so long I do not know what is right and wrong from her behavior.  I am not sure she does even.  I know she wants to be fair.  It is like a really long psychotic BPD episode.  I literally think she hates my guys with all her heart and at the same time loves me more than anyone besides kids and its a constant tug of war and she wants it to stop.

Dear HH:

I can't add much to this other than to say that I really feel for you. Don't pay attention to what she says. I'm on the tail end of a 26 year marriage, I'm 56 and contemplating moving into my mom's spare bedroom until everything gets sorted out. The "mommy" comments have actually become amusing. But the rent is right: free! Do what you have to to preserve yourself and your business.

I have slept out few times to detach from the outbursts. Previously it got very ugly, I was expecting the neighbors to call the police in. Confrontation only escalates, but being assertive and calm worked better. The difficult part is doing that in the face of abuse being thrown at you. I had learned the hard way, that we cannot expect them to be aware of the current situation and face reality, but we have to. I went to see a doc (not a therapist), and his advice was give priority to getting sleep and rest, because physically impairment affects the mind, and that may lead to bad decisions and more negative thoughts. Really I wished I had someone telling me that earlier, now I have to try can climb back to functioning as before and it's really tough. Do whatever you can to "normalize" yourself even after what happened, ironically this is something that BPD struggles with and we also have to try to do it.

HH

What you are in is quite typical for many rs here - a lot of blaming, trying to make things better which means, doing less for yourself, giving in to her wishes and demands. The thing is, it will not stop. The deregulated partners will find new things, new demands and so on. Giving up things like workouts will takes it toll to you and makes things easier for her.


I was there too. CCC - You didn't cause it, you can not cure it and you can not control it. One of the first steps is more mentally. Its about your boundaries. Its about your own acceptance. You are like everyone here not perfect. This doesn't mean you are responsible for everything in her life!

So one step could be to restart gym.   Not against her - for yourself! To regain some personal space, even littles steps are counting.

 "I wanted us to be a team and one married unit."

I wanted this so badly too.  Not to work against each other.  But then something had to give.  My husband never wanted us to get divorced, but the disorder pushes away the person they love most.  It is just a cruel disorder. 

I think you should inform her therapist - although he may not be able to convince her either.

The stuff about her calling you at work is hard.  I know you don't want to get a restraining order, so not sure what you can do.  Except, realize you are a good person, this is NOT your fault, and hang in there.

Last night i was finishing work when she called.  sadly saying she cant live like this and that its horrible.  

Talking calmly before blasting me saying I dont know what pain is.  I dont know what its like to be on the edge of killing myself like she is.  Almost taunting me and daring me to kill myself.

I couldnt stop crying and thinking about it.  Finally she called back later because it was 18 degrees out.  I was staying at the office again which has heating problems and she was concerned about me.  She threatened to tell my parents unless I get a hotel room. I told her I couldnt keep giving in to her.  Finally i did though, I guess i rationalized that it was safety.  It was a waste of money i do not have, but at least i got a hot shower and ate something for first time in 2 days.

She called and asked if we could meet for lunch.  something I never take.  I said sure, 1 o clock at this place. Maybe to talk about divorce, maybe just lunch, I did not know. it did not matter...

Then about 20 minutes ago, she calls.  She says "i dont want to wait until 1... how about noon, and I dont like Panera Bread"  I just said it cause i didnt plan on eating but its open and easy to talk in.  So i agreed on noon and another time.  she asked "is noon a problem, is everyone else taking off for lunch"  I let her know because she knows that that does happen but I will still meet her.  he response "well you can take one ing lunch with me over 3 years and they can ing deal with it".  I never disagreed to begin with

She then asks "where is your ing mother at, did you ask her about lunch"  I have no clue, maybe working at home on some tax stuff, maybe meeting an inspector.  I know if i said at home it would piss her off.  i said "yea i texted her but no response.  i think she is meeting with an inspector". wrong answer "your a ing liar she is at home doing nothing while you work and get paid "  yup, she is stalking my mother now.  Why does it even matter i do not know.

I finally explain that she is not being rational and that I am not trying to argue and that it does feel like our lives are ruined right now, but I didnt want to say I blamed her so I said, its my fault because I knew she informed me of issues before we started dating so I said i knew what I was getting into.  She took that as "o, so you regret marrying me"

She is literally studying ways she can possibly get me in trouble because she talked about how she cannot do such and such cause it will get her in trouble too.  I am scared of her.

I am ed.  I regret letting loose and getting angry myself.  She acts like when i told her she needs to look at what she has done and stand on her own two feet, and stop blaming me for the problems in her life.  I cannot stop everyone from hurting her or completely protect her.  I did say " off" once and maybe one other curse word, but she says those to me repeatedly.  I apologized and said it was wrong right after but i just feel sick and lost

I keep wanting to still work things out, but she seems conflicted.  I did tell her after she demanded me letting her have everything and supporting her that she was just bleeding me dry and after she said "i have nothing and no way to support myself and life is over"... she kept saying that and nothing else and that she wanted me to completely support her still that it made me feel like she was only with me for the money.

Now i have cursed at her and said I regret marrying her, I think she is a moneygrubbing whore... this is all that she got from it all.  Whatever she has said doesnt matter.  Its everything I have done.  

Why cannot I not let go?  Why cannot I am not so responsible for all of this?  Why can I not just get angry and want away from her?  She says she doesnt love me anymore even... .

I gain nothing from this relationship but pain.  It is bad for me financially, emotionally, physically, in every way, but for those brief moments of her love... I cannot let go.  I feel as those I ruined her life and now I am going to ruin everyones life cause she is going to crucify me.  I am reflecting now on all I have given up and done.  I sacrificed all I am and I have for her.  I have nothing now... I do not know how to even get off the mat and build a future from this and even more so, I do not want to...

she just said she doesnt think she is ruining my job and its in my head.  I asked her how it would be if she had a job and I called 4 times at elast a day and exchanged about 40 texts at work talking for 20 minutes in an argument.  I explained that I am hurting too and that I am guessing she just is venting and needs somebody to talk to.  That I am talking on a support group board.  That she needs somebody to talk to be it her doctor or a friend even if it is just to say how horrible i am.  That being alone for either of us without expressing will consume us.    She responded "i dont want to be that person you just described, I will just let you go"

I just want to wait and hope she calms down and says she loves me again... .

Again, very sorry to hear about all of this happening. It sounds as if you have some serious codependency issues. You don't allow yourself to be happy until your wife is happy (who seems incapable of being so basically). It seems like she behaves the way she does because she feels she can twist you around every which way and have you do what she wants regardless of how she treats you. And of course because of BPD.

no doubt I have some serious codependency issues.  I wish I knew what BPD and she was diagnosed earlier so could stop this road before it had been traversed this far.  Maybe impliment steps for her and myself long ago it wouldnt get to this point and maybe save things

I hear you there. As a movie said that I was watching the other night, "you can't go back." Unfortunately we have to try to make the best of a bad (or horrible) situation and move forward. Without violence or suicide though.

its literally not living day to day but hour to hour.

seems like days take forever while at same time instantly gone.  Time seems warped and senses numb

I spent past 5 months in constant fear with extreme adrenaline worrying about setting her off.  Now its impossible to escape.  I literally have no adrenaline.  No focus... just sadness and numbness

Something is wrong with me... I should be more angry, I should want to fight back more.  I should want to be over with this and be more ruthless.  I should want my life back.  I know if I do go back the fear of when it will next happen will sink in.

Its like being a ship at sea without a rudder nor sails... you just accept everything is over.  You stop fighting... you think about jumping in and drowning but you cant do it, so you just sit there in the sun baking waiting for death

  :)UDE!

Part of being a good person, IS BEING HAPPY!  

Part of being a good person is making sure your wife doesnt destroy you and your childrens lives!

Part of being a good person is taking care of your own mental state!

Part of being a good person is making sure you're there for your kids!

Brother, Im sorry youre going through this,  I guess no matter how bad some of us on here feel, we can always find someone having it worse... .

From what you've said, it sounds like its not a very stable or nurturing atmosphere in your household for your kids and It sounds as if, at some point something is gonna give, right?  You seem to be doing way more than your share with no help on her end and no end in sight... . I dont remember if you said whether or not she was getting help, but if not, she sure sounds like she needs some.

You sound like youre seriously co-dependent, I can recognize it because I am co-dependent as well.  I can remember walking on egg shells, I remember waking up everyday wondering what kind of mood she would be in, I remember the talks she would have about her wanting to kill herself (she had it planned out in detail) and how it would absolutely crush my heart and I remember her leaving me time and time again.

For your sake and the future of your children, you need to get away from this woman, for a while at least... .

those kids are gonna grow up and have issues and youre already to the point of suicidal thoughts,... . dude!

There was a point in time where I thought the worst thing my BPDexgf ever did to me was to finally just walk out the door and never even say goodbye to me... .  But maybe it was the best thing she could have ever done for me, maybe it was the only thing she had left to give me... .

Please think about yourself and those children, now more than ever, theyre depending on you and if youre not there, do you really think they will be better off with your wife?

 

hard part is if I leave her, they wont have me neither.  It is almost sometimes like I have to stay in order to protect them.

Here is the really weird part... after 3 days of this... suddenly

"I do not want to fight anymore"

I respond "i dont want to neither"

she responds "then lets just let all of this go ok? i am sorry"

... . what is that all about... .

I told her, the past two days have been hell...   yea divorce is a long road that takes months of recovery and this is just two days.  I do not, and I am sure you do not, want to have to start over just two weeks from now.  Those two days of hell even if just the start are not worth it.  I do not want to get back together just for sake of kids cause them watching us miserable isnt healthy neither.  I know I have codependent issues and I am reading on how to be better on that and better with dealing with BPD.  I want us to work, but I do not know if its possible or not.  I know either route is a long VERY hard road.

Part of me is like... ok we have a shot and lets work on this more

Part of me is like... ok we work on this but we have a real escape plan for when it happens next and we get info and means to defend ourselves for this

Part of me is like... 2 days down of months of torment, its inevitable anyways at least two days are done

Part of me is like... Get her stable with a job so that she is secure then at first trouble bolt

I just had a door opened with tons of options and in a way its like giving a drunk a bottle of Patron.  It could be a safe good time that works out or you could end up with a DWI... .

I mean I at least feel not feel like I am some Jewish Russian soldier under seige in Stalingrad by Nazis that want me dead and tortured.  I can function again at work, and get something done to keep my job, but what if I let me guard down and them bam... . bullet to head

My husband's rages would last for three days.  Then they'd be over just like that.  Then we'd have calm for three weeks.  Then a rage would return.  I guess something would trigger him, abandonment or whatever.

Sounds like your wife's latest rage had little to do with you - she just wanted to be angry, wanted to find ways to make you the cause of it, and when you did nothing wrong, it frustrated her even more.  Then it was over.

The way to stay out of it is to keep your mouth shut and give as little info as possible, but it's just IMPOSSIBLE to not get in a person's way, to be tiptoeing all the time.  You end up boxing yourself into a corner, not being able to breathe.  That's no way to live.

During one of my husband's rages, every word that came out of my mouth, he said was a lie.  Like a fool, I'd try to defend myself and get into deeper trouble.

Try not to box yourself in.  It's a shame you have to tiptoe so much.  Just try to remember that one way or another, this won't last forever - either you will solve it with her, or leave, but you can't go on in this kind of pain, worrying about every move you make.

HH above is the link to the staying board lessons.  There are communication tools and videos in there geared to help stop the conflict cycle.

Have you read them?  SET, JADE are in there take a look.

The conflict cycle has you really tuned up with anxiety.   It had me like that too.  That last conversation about lunch had alot of JADE in it and that makes things worse.

Sometimes having a plan or a small step can help not feel so helpless.

yea i read on those.  The problem with my wife is her BPD cycles are literally 2 days good and 3 days bad.  Sunday will always trigger and things will stay bad until wednesday or maybe thursday then ok for 2 days... then neutral one day then start over.  Its just the frequency is so frequent and takes up so much time .  I dread Sundays

The cycling really doesnt matter except for diagnosis and treatmentn if that ever becomes an option. 

With the tools, not Jade-ing and set, you may find yourself having to use them multiple times a day right now.  And starting to set boundaries.   One at time.

One of the priorities it sounds like you may need to practice is to not engage when she gets abusive.  It reinforces the bad behavior. 

What have you read about the disorder and the typical behavior?

Well, that they do not know for sure but they suspect it has its roots being both genetic and learned in childhood.  That it has alot to do with parents invalidating and their feelings so that they are basically stunted in their growth emotionally.  It is similiar to bipolar in some ways but the cycling is more frequent and not brain chemical as much thus drugs not really effective.

Rage, impulse control, poor relationships, drug abuse, suicide all common. 

Fear of losing somebody is intense. 

You gotta be sure and validate their emotions and empathize with them.  They will gaslight ya if not careful.  Boundaries are important.  I know to not argue, but on occassion it just becomes too hard.

Instead of processing emotions properly in case of my wife, she takes everything and instead of feeling sad, she does not process it correctly and it comes out as rage.

Somestimes BPD become psychotic for periods, thus the name.

Normally, in a fight, i try to validate and keep calm which I normally do and why she accuses me of not caring.  After validating and saying i understand how she feels and explain its cause of such and such happening... I mean I use SET, but alot of times SET goes like this for me

1. I ask what I can do to help.  her response is usually "get away from me" or "nothing, you are the problem"

2. When I try and act empathetic, "i am sure you are feel bad after all that work today and people are unthankful".  Her response "you have no clue what feeling bad is.  You have life easy and on a silver plate"

3. Judgement... o this is the worst... if i say "well why dont we get you something to eat cause you havent eaten in past 2 days" or "i am sure you are tired cause you havent gotten much sleep"  or "I know for me somtimes excercise helps me relax".  Usually two responses "you think you are a doctor or something, shut the hit up" or "i know that, I am not retarded"

JADE I do have problems with.  I have a hard time when she says something like "you ruined my life by doing such and such".  I want her to understand the rationale I thought by it, but I know she wont.  I keep falling into it.  Past couple of days when she started using kids against me and then threatening to harm people around me, I just said stuff back.  I try not to cry or be upset or anything, but that sometimes happens just cause it hurts badly

Here's a hug to get through Sunday:  ((hug))

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0

Heres the link to the learning center board on BPD and BPD behavior... . once you get a handke on the overall disorder learning about how it can manifest in different behaviors like splitting, hostility, extinction bursts, etc can help to not feel so caught off guard by it.

There is an order to the disorder- as crazy as that seems.

Have you checked out the workshop on boundaries?

One thing is for sure if the situation has hit critical mass and the person is in melt down mode, getting abusive, saying abusive things, irrationally blaming - basically not hearing anything but the overload of their own intense emotions its not the best time to try and validate or SET.  Until you are practiced at validation you can inadvertently validate the abuse or inappropriate behavior...   These tools are better when things are building up as a salve.  Taking yourself out of an abusive situation is better and revisiting it when you can have a calm conversation will give better results. 

Can you start a thread on one of her reactions above on the staying board and ask how to handle it?  The seasoned stayers have some good perspective.

that is a good point... maybe I am validating some of her behaviors when I am simply meaning to validate her.  She wanted me to come home tonight.  I said no, that probably better to ease into it.  I gotta say, I miss the bed, food, kids, her even...

She always says I treat her like  a child.  I am trying to treat her like an adult, but I guess I kind of have to.  Have to stay away so she learns penalties for actions I suppose.  I dunno.  I have to check out that learning board.  Easier when things at least calm down.  The stuff here is really good even if your SO is not BPD.  just good stuff to communicate with people

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=post;quote=553220;topic=59097.0;sesc=88cbaf375042b4e658ed91918963afad

Hang in there HH.  Many of us didnt walk into this with great skills.  Its a process.  Be kind tp yourself too.

And these skills work great with regular folk too! Try it at work and watch its pretty amazing.

And definitely check out any of the Boundaries books by Cloud amd Townsend.  They help to give some traction when you are trying out these tools.

this is a very good point. i'm a schoolteacher and using these skills with parents works a treat.

Yea a teacher made mistake of calling my SO about her son and had misinformation in an accusation that was innocent enough, but they got a thrashing from wife.  I called back and apologized... tried to smooth things

Hi hurthusband

How are you doing today, my friend?

Well... past few days are awkward

Wednesday the wife calmed down and asked me to come home.  I said should stay away another day to let things calm more and see how things are.

Well next day, Thursday, we get a call from school where my stepson was found cutting himself with some other kids.  He said he was upset and scared we were getting a divorce which just complicates things so much more.

Went home and everyone got along and worked on things.  Friday night was Valentine's day and had a nice time with wife things went smoothly.

Saturday, everything was fine until dinner.  We were going to go out since son was going to stay at grandparents, and was seeing what had spaces to eat at since day after VDay can be rough.  The place we both like showed online reservations every 15 min all night long so just planned on that.

The day was really stressful for my at work, and when wife called to see how I was I let her know I was really feeling overwhelmed and down over it all, but that it was not her fault and I thanked her for being supportive.  Unfortunately, when I got home she was in a bad mood because I was down earlier.  My mood was better now that I was home, but she was down.  We went to eat and when we got there, they said their reservation system was not working right and they didnt have anything for 2 hours and it was 9 o clock already

Wife was PISSED... things went pretty badly from there.  She blasted me and brought up all sorts of stuff.  I never raised voice, I just apologized, and said there was nothing I could do.  I did not argue, I explained I understood she was upset about alot of things.  I then just avoided her and went to bed in another room.  The next morning, she was depressed over it but apologized saying she overreacted, and it turned out being a pretty good day.

So, its Monday, see what it holds.  Feeling ok now.  Bit worried, if things do go south, what to do now that son is hurting himself over stress of worrying about me moving out... .

therapy all around... yay

Hi hurthusband


Good job, validating her and not defending! Keep going like this.  :)

I am sorry to hear about your son. 

Good you can work with your therapist.

Maybe this is a good time to get the son into family therapy.  It may help if it comes to a custody battle or something.  I don't know.  But may help him either way. 

I have read that it's bad to apologize to someone with BPD, then they don't take responsibility.  On the other hand, maybe it's part of validating.  Maybe someone more expert than I am can speak to this.

Hang in there.  Seems like you are being firm and setting boundaries.  She apologized and that's positive too.  So just keep seeing how it goes - don't do anything rash (unlkess you need to!)

Yea, what about apologizing?  I mean we could all communicate better, and I find apologizing with usual works with most people when starting to compromise, but does it work with BPD or is it giving an inch so they can take a mile?

Wife in a bad mood today.  Had a decent day yesterday, I been sick, but then she feels I am not attracted to her anymore and do not want her despite what I say.  I mean sounds like its in her head, but I cannot say that without starting a fight. 

Its all so hard.  I really am near the end of my rope, but now with kid hurting himself, its a new dimension I do not know how to handle.  I really feel backed into a corner.

Trying not to show that I am scared or unsure of myself to her.  To stay strong and constant.  To not show fear of her to her nor neediness.  To not be affected by her mood swings, but its really hard.  I honestly am terrified of what is to come.  I feel the adrenaline pumping when she texts and is so negative. 

I can tell she is trying to pick a fight with me.  She making comments about my mother, about insurance, and trying to bait me.  I do not know why... I am scared though

I suppose I will never have a relationship with my wife that is one where she is caring and supportive.  She will always be one that is undependable and is downright mean sometimes.  I will just have to suck it up and deal with it which hurts.  I am worried about kids though.  I am not sure what to do with the youngest and his handling of us.

I am not sure if I should leave or what to do at this point.  I want to stay, but its hard.  Kids being messed up from this is also hard. 

It's real easy to start hiding normal feelings.  Like being scared for your kids etc.  For fear of the other persons reactions.   Walking on eggshells.

There are ways to communicate your feelings in a safer way not adding to the conflict using SET and validation.   Have you read those staying board techniques? 

Being scared for your son is totally legitimate.  Can you focus on getting things stable for him and getting him into therapy?

It is just the same thing over and over and over again.  My wife finished college, and does not have a job.  I let her remodel our house which was supposed to be just a small bit on the bath for $2500.  Now we are at about $20k and I have no floors in most of my house, and no kitchen counters.  She hates my job because I work alot, but I work two jobs because we need the income.  Most days I am having to argue with her call and harrass me throughout the day and any other job would fire me. 

She keeps saying that she doesnt know what our future holds and that she cannot plan her future or her career as a result.  That she is tired of living in our half finished house (that has us $25k further in debt when last year we had none).  She wants to sell the house now and wants a house that is twice as expensive.  She says our lives are going nowhere.  She does clean houses on the side some.  She does work hard on renovations, but its slow and inefficient, and more keeps getting torn up. 

I get the blame for us being in this situation.  It causes her to constantly yell at me and our child is so scared of us breaking up he cuts himself now.  To me, I do not see what more I can possibly do and that I am doing a good job overall.  I have flaws.  I do not yell back, I do not curse her, I do not even rub her face in the fact we are in this situation because she choose the renovations

I want so badly to make this marriage work.  she told me today that if I think just being calm and going to work and not arguing is going to let things blow over it will not.  That sometimes she doesnt want to be married to me.  I want to save my marriage, I want to be a better person.  I want to prop this family up if I can just on me.  If anyone can offer advice on how I can be better and tell me what I am doing wrong to be better, I want to do it please

I do not feel I can though.  I feel it is over.  She does not see that I sacrificed for her.  That I could have a nice car, a nice home, nicer things.  No debt... I gave those up because I love her.  I put up with so much abuse...

At same time, the child... he is a stepson.  I have no parental rights.  If I leave, its going to hurt him so much.  What do I do?  How can i do that to him?

What can i do?

I didn't realize (or I forgot) that he's not your son.  That's rough.  I feel for people in your situation - it's not just you.

This bothers me:  "she told me today that if I think just being calm and going to work and not arguing is going to let things blow over it will not. " 

So basically, you can't win - if you don't argue, that's a problem.  And if you argue, well... . it just makes things worse.

There was a period in my life when something triggered my (now ex) husband and it was the same way for a 2-week period - every time I opened my mouth, he said I was lying.  And when I said nothing, he accused me of "ignoring" him. 

Did something trigger this latest round?  Maybe stress over the debt?  Deep inside, they feel responsibility and rejigger it in their minds to make you at fault.  She has to yell at you.

The nature of the illness is that she is driving you away, whether she wants to or not.  It is hellish to live in fear of losing your job or your marriage just because you looked at someone the wrong way or said the wrong thing.  In normal situations you should be able to say the wrong thing.  In your case, you say many of the right things and still get blamed.

You could talk to the stepson and say you're always available to him no matter what happens.

Have you let her therapist know what she said to you, and what's going on?  Can you come to one of her sessions?

Hang in there.  You can't really do any more than you're doing.  If it ends up with you splitting up, separating or whatever, you'll know you tried.  And maybe you'll be able to breathe.

Yes, hurt husband, you are doing a good job.

Her blaming and accusing has nothing to do with you. I know this is easier said than done - its important that you know about your values.

Living with debts is difficult too, for you and your wife. Is there anything you can do to got more control about the expenses? This may a topic to put on Staying - some members there managed the financial issues with success.

That is a very difficult situation.  All those things would huge stressor for anyone.

You asked how to be better.  HH i f you are asking if there's a way to make her happy by trying more and doing more i don't think it's about being better.  It sounds like you do a lot as it is and you are in a no win like momtara mentioned.

I'd you want to get some traction in the relationship towards a more functional relationship that is going to take some moves on your part because it sounds like she is making the decisions for the emotional climate of the home.  Things stay the same of nothing changes.

First and foremost is your well being.  Then the well being of others.  Working out a plan can help give a sense of control or a path.

-a support system (therapy, friends, family)

-using the staying board tools (set dear man validation time outs)

-working on boundaries one at at time

-radical acceptance or deciding to leave after you've done the first three helps to allay some of the fears guilt obligation because you know you've tried

HH have you posted on staying for some of the day to day advice for interaction with her?

I just do not know where to begin.  Her ring tone even gives me a panic attack.  I sit at work crying, at home crying, my car crying.  I think I am starting to realize that she is completely unreasonable and I do not think she can be helped because she does not accept full responsiblity for her actions and has this crazy idea that the world owes her something.

I am thinking the only way is divorce... . this means the kids lives are crushed.  She is in deep trouble financially, and she will as a result do whatever she can to hurt me.  She will go after my family members which she has stated on doing.  She will try and get me thrown into jail.  she already has said that I hid all her past discretions and abuse so there is no record if i protect myself.

I cannot quite accept life without her or deal with the guilt of the possible repercussions to everyone in my life because I let her in.  At same time, I do not have the heart to fight her back.  I do not want to fight her.  If i could actually have hate for her maybe... some other emotions beyond love, and pity... .

It's hard with those competing emotions of love and pity.  There's medium ground too... . when you don't have anything left to give. 

I'm very familiar with the panic attacks - i started getting those towards the end.  They are awful. 

With the depression and the anxiety ... . what you are going thru is very hard.  Have you explicit told your doctor about these because if they don't know how bad it is they to not be able to respond accordingly.  One of the first things of taking care of your well being first (putting on your own oxygen mask then putting on someone else's) is attending to your own emotional health. 

It may be really helpful to talk to them about some medications (short term) to take the edge off so you can make some decisions and the overwhelming feelings aren't like freighttrain barreling down.  There's no shame in getting help.

Whathave they said about all this?

Basically my psychiatrist has tried to help me break away.  I can tell that while he would never suggest it ethically, he thinks it.  So he has concentrated on trying to get me to better handle things.  I have meds for depression, and anxiety... I was given Xanax to help, but it does not work anymore.  2 mg of xanax and i will still be wired.  He explained that it sounds like the adrenaline and fear is just overwhelming even the meds.  I mean once things calm down or if they do, i pretty much pass out.  I can feel the adrenaline pumping in me.  It is a total flight or fight response to fear. 

I have no problem taking more medications.  Ultimately, I am told I have some mental issue with just letting go. 

I should have known to stay way from this... an OCD person with a high drive and sense of morality who has never had a relationship until he met this woman and came from a broken home.  It was the worst situation I could have done for both her and i.  I wouldnt even know where to draw the line to create boundaries.  I never saw a healthy relationship.  I knew that and feared I would be too selfish.  I let he run me over.  She on other hand had only been in relationships since she left home and had no real clue how to live on her own.  How can i expect her to understand the real stresses and costs of keeping a home functioning?

That is all hindsight now though.  Patterns and behaviors are set.  Children are involved...

One thing that does make me nervous is if i do take a sedating med for a panic attack and i do start to get tired, she will get pissed and let into me for not being cognicent for her

It is hard enough to keep control and apply tools when you are completely sober, much less sedated.

I suppose I am begging for a miracle.  For a light to finally come on in her heard where she goes "I am sick and these feelings are not fair.  He is doing the best he can.  I will not always be happy with him, but I do not have to demand something or else unleash hell"

Nevermind me asking for an additional miracle of her being loving, or somebody I can lean on, or get advice from like a normal spouse. 

Well... .

   Here we go again... I just feel hopeless.

Friday, might wife starting acting nice and I let her know that what she said earlier really hurt.  She acknowledged her overreacted and we ended up making dinner together then sitting to eat.  she then called her friends to go out and I went out, I was a bit tired and nodded off a bit here and there.  I had been working since 8 am and it was 12:30 am or 1 am... not for sure so I was a bit tired.  Overall even though she was a bit upset with that, it was a nice evening.

Saturday I had taken the day off for our anniversary which is the 26th.  Wanted to spend the day with her.  We  had to go to her aunts which she hadnt been to in about 17 years for her grandmothers bday and was basically mean all the way there cause we were running a little behind (still got there before everyone).  She started yelling at me cause she got a VDay present for my neice and I gave it to my neice.  My sister thanked me but my mom and sister did not contact her about it so she was pissed.  She started in on how horrible they were to the point that my 14 year son started yelling at her to stop it and that she was being mean and hurtful to me.  Honestly, it felt good to know that I wasnt the only person who felt that way.  I asked him to calm down and that regardless she shouldnt talk to his mother that way. 

Everything went okay at party for most part.  She was a bit upset cause my father called needing help with something, but handled it.  Everything was set up for that night were we were supposed to have a nice meal together.  When we got to restaurant she was cold and distant.  She was upset cause she was tired.  I offered to go home or someplace else, but she wanted to stay.  we stayed and meal went well. 

The problems then happened Sunday.  We woke up, and she wanted breakfast.  I skipped church to take her out and we went to this place she wanted to try.  She had a couple of mirmosas, and then started in on how my sister and mother were horrible people again and that her therapist told me i should be quitting work in my family business.  (actually she asked me if it was a possibility to which I said, i would look for another job, but its not that simple to find a $90k a year job that at same time will not require travel at all).  In any case, she started in my family was horrible and that i never defended her nor stood up for her.  That I had no future, and that I should have planned differently.  Never that in order for us to progress in life that she get a job.  I advised her that I am making not great money, but pretty solid money and that no job is certain.  I advised that she could get a job.  She went off and said, i encouraged her to get an art degree that is worthless and that she cannot do anything substantial.  That I ruined her life.  My family ruined her life.  She could have done more with out me.  She knows we cannot work out.  That we need a divorce

I responded, that she is probably right.  That my heart is broken.  On way home, she just kept berating me.  I told her she was killing me.  That she was hurting me with her words.  That I wanted nothing more and that despite what she was saying, I really did try my best.  That I want to do my best.

Did not matter.  I cannot help feeling that I did something wrong.  That she is right.  That I should have been more, that I am not protecting her as I should.  That I could have been a better husband.  That I should have chosen a different career path.  That I could have found a better way to get her better car, and house.  That I am messed up in my head and cannot see things for as they are.

She says that with divorce I am better off and she has nothing now.  Why then would she want divorce? 

Its really hard to deal with this with my OCD.  My OCD is off the charts from this.  That I did something wrong, that I displeased God and he is punishing me by letting me lose my wife and kids.  She says I cannot say anything to the kids.  My son hurt himself last week cause of our problems! 

My entering her life has ruined everything.  She is miserable either cause of me or if its her own head, at least she thinks its cause of me.  The kids lives are ruined cause they losing me to a degree.  My life feels over.  I am going to lose my family, the guilt is killing me, what if there is something wrong with me?  I am going to lose everything I have... She has threatened to hurt everyone around me.  All of them is going to be hurt cause of me...

I do not see any future unless I am completely ruthless and destroy her in court in divorce, but I do not want to.  I love her.  That will not heal my heart.  I just want all emotion and life to stop.  I do not want to feel responsible for everyone's happiness because its impossible to do. 

This is the worst thing I can think happen.  Meeting her ruined my life and my view on life.  Its shattered my faith in people, hurt my faith in God, took my innocence, everything, but if I had to do it again I would cause I love her so much.  she is everything to me... .

I am not emotionally strong enough to deal with this.  I try the tools, but they do not help me long term.  The tools required 24/7.  This is BPD 24/7.  Its being argued with, put down, yelled at, living in fear every single day with her.  Every hour.  I cannot live like this, but without her all i do in think of us.  I am at work now, and I just cant stop looking at a picture of her and the kids.  I let them all down.  If i was just stronger and emotionally more stable to weather the storm as some of you...

Key sentence in my eyes. Yes, it is impossible and yet, we often are caught in this pattern.

We fall into it believing it when someone is telling us: Because of you I feel that way. You ruined my life.

And we fall into when we try to do everything for a person to make him or her happy.

And from my own experience I know how exhausting this is, feeling responsible for everyone's happiness! 

We are only built to handle so much. Personally, if I was in your situation, I would be looking for a divorce (kids or no kids). You don't deserve to have that much abuse heaped on you day after day. Sometimes I feel like I'm at the end of the rope in my marriage, but it is only like that about 10% of the time. Yours sounds like more than 50%. I would research ways to let your son know he's loved and ways to make him not want to cut himself. But it sounds like you'll either totally lose it someday or get divorced. You have to make sure to retain your own sanity and if you can't do that while staying in your marriage, it might be time to look at other options.

*mod*

as any thread this thread is limited to 4 pages.

I've split out the last message of hurthusband and you can continue to support him in the new thread here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=220557.0